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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Ex naming his Baby the same name as our DS

154 replies

Lovelyflower · 03/09/2022 16:32

My DS Barnaby (11) is from my previous marriage (my DS was 1 at the time of our divorce). His bio father has never had much input in Barnaby’s life and only sees him averagely once every few months. Although my ex’s Mother and father have a very close relationship with Barnaby and he often spends the night with them and they help with childcare occasionally.

I met my current DP when Barnaby was 5 so he has been in Barnaby’s life for most of what he can remember (he calls my DP dad and calls his bio dad by his first name as he doesn’t have a very fatherly relationship to my DS).

My ex has been in a relationship for around 2 years I gather with a women I have only ever spoken a few words to as when I drop Barnaby at his house she never seems to be in.

I had just came to find out through my DS that my ex’s partner was pregnant (around 8 months).
So when I next called my ex to discuss when Barnaby was going to next come around to his house there was a short pause before he said that his partner had just given birth about 2 days prior to a baby boy that they named BARNEY???
I was speechless I asked him why he called his DS basically the same name as our DS Barnaby and he said that he hadn’t realised that but was not going to change it because his DP had fallen in love with the name.

Am I the only one who thinks this is wrong on many levels practically calling your son the same name as your other son and what can I actually do about this (do I just have to leave it and tell my DS that he has basically been “replaced”???!!)

OP posts:
Mumspair1 · 03/09/2022 21:16

I don't think they sound anything alike? Maybe similar but nothing to be confused about. No different than so many siblings who have rhyming names?

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 03/09/2022 21:21

You don't think Barnaby and Barney sound 'anything alike'?

Confused Confused Confused

Sunnyqueen · 03/09/2022 21:22

Except Barnaby and Barney are two different names.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 03/09/2022 21:22

I suppose Robert and Robbie are completely different and unconnected names too...

FeedMeSantiago · 03/09/2022 21:33

Not a nice thing to do. Barney is a nickname for Barnaby, it's like having a Charles and a Charlie or a Henry and a Harry. Or a Kate and a Katie. Even a Jacob and a James which are two versions of the same name.

It's odd. Not kind to either child either.

My mum has a name with a very similar male equivalent - when her little brother was born my grandparents intended to give him the male version of Mum's name. Think Alexandra and Alexander. Fortunately the family told my grandparents not to be ridiculous and my uncle was named something else. Hopefully enough people will comment and OP's ex and partner will come to their senses!

ChatterCot · 03/09/2022 23:47

Henry and a Harry

Even a Jacob and a James

In what way would either of these be an issue? I would think absolutely nothing wrong with someone having one child called Henry and one called Harry. They are completely different names, they literally just start with the same letter. Same with Jacob and James!

A better comparison would have been Jake and Jacob although even that I think isn't completely terrible.

Anyway OP, sorry no you can't march round and demand they change the name like PPs have suggested although you can certainly speak to your ex about it if your son is unhappy.

DappledThings · 03/09/2022 23:52

In what way would either of these be an issue? I would think absolutely nothing wrong with someone having one child called Henry and one called Harry. They are completely different names, they literally just start with the same letter. Same with Jacob and James!
Harry is a traditional nickname for Henry. Hence Prince Harry who is really Henry. Jacob is an older form of James. The Jacobeans being called that because they were supporters of James.

Same as Barney and Barnaby, they have the same root and I would find a bit odd and silly brothers being named that way but not offensive.

BabyDreamers · 03/09/2022 23:57

How ridiculous of them. Is it Danny/Daniel, Tai/Tyler, jason/jay kind of thing?

BeardieWeirdie · 04/09/2022 00:00

My husband and his half sister (shared dead-beat dad) have pretty much the same names - think Carla and Carlos. It’s ridiculous. Poor Barnaby, and Barney - I can’t imagine your ex is going to be Dad Of The Year second time around either.

Arbesque · 04/09/2022 00:14

Sunnyqueen · 03/09/2022 21:22

Except Barnaby and Barney are two different names.

No they're not. Barney is short for Barnaby. YANBU OP. Very bizarre behaviour from your ex. I can't believe the voting on here.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 04/09/2022 00:25

A better comparison would have been Jake and Jacob although even that I think isn't completely terrible.

Are you a half-wit? Brother called Jacob and Jake?

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 04/09/2022 00:29

The collective MN IQ has really taken a major dip.

It's now just lots of huns saying 'you do you, babes'

Original poster
Lovelyflower · 04/09/2022 11:02

I told my DS about his new half brothers name today and he was quite confused and stated “isn’t that my name”
i brought some baby clothes for the new baby (gift from my DS) and am going to take them over to theirs today - should I bring it up and quite possibly talk to ex alone that our son feels pushed out when he comes over to theirs??

OP posts:
FeedMeSantiago · 04/09/2022 11:25

Poor DS, he must be feeling bewildered. I wouldn't say anything to your ex, you've told him already and I suspect the more you push this, the more he will dig in.

NorthernLights5 · 04/09/2022 12:01

of course I wouldn’t word it like that to him but what else to you suggest he is doing having two sons named the same thing basically if your son comments put a positive spin on it. Something like they love the name Barnaby so decided Barney would be a nice name to go with it or something.

Original poster
Lovelyflower · 04/09/2022 12:05

@NorthernLights5 that’s the approach I tried to go with but Barnaby is 11 so understands quite well what happened

OP posts:
MistressIggi · 04/09/2022 12:30

Won't the parents feel stupid when they have to tell anyone what their dc names are? Said together it sounds ridiculous. I doubt they'll change anything for the OP or the original B, but they might be affected by the eye rolling of their friends and colleagues!

SapphireEyes88 · 04/09/2022 12:50

I can absolutely believe that he really didn't think about it. My advice is to find a cute nickname for your DS to differentiate between the two.
My mum did this with me and my sister and when I asked her why she said that as I was in care at the time (in and out for "respite") she hadn't thought about it. My sister actually went by her middle name until she found out what her real name was and the solution was nicknames (think Sophia and Sophie, one is known as Soph and the other as Fie)

Original poster
Lovelyflower · 04/09/2022 13:25

@SapphireEyes88 Barnaby has always been Barnaby occasionally Bee but that’s it and I don’t want to really take his identity away for the sake of his step mum and his bio dad

OP posts:
NorthernLights5 · 04/09/2022 13:34

Barnaby is 11 so understands quite well what happened what does he think happened? He'll be picking up on your attitude towards the whole thing. What has actually happened is his half brother has a similar name to him. Whether or not it is to "replace" your son, well only his father can know that.

Decorhate · 04/09/2022 13:39

Even if it is a genuine mistake, not realising the two names are the same, any decent person would decide to change the new baby’s name (or use their middle name) once it had been pointed out to them. But I’ve known families where for example they have two sons, one John, one Sean (Sean is the Irish for John). Or even call one child SeanJohn.

Original poster
Lovelyflower · 04/09/2022 14:13

@NorthernLights5 this is the first he’s heard of it today he was at a friends house last night so me and DP were discussing it without him even being in the house
i never speak badly about my ex to my son but of course he picks up on that me and his bio dad are not friends
it’s also not a “similar name” it’s our 11 year old DS’s name
Barnabus and Barney are variants of my sons name just like Sam and Samuel and Greg and Gregory

OP posts:
CathyTre · 04/09/2022 14:21

There’s an actress, or former actress, called Alice Evans who was married to Ioan Gruffudd (sp?) and they have daughters called Ella and Elsie which I find really weird like if I had a son called Samuel and a daughter called Samantha who were Sam and Sammy!

Literally none of my business but I do find that a bit (a lot) odd.

NorthernLights5 · 04/09/2022 14:28

There is a difference between the names though which is what I'd say if your son talks about it. It's not uncommon for full siblings to have names like this (although I don't agree with doing so for a variety of reasons.

Obviously his dad is a terrible parent for doing this. It sounds like he was a terrible parent prior to this. I'd continue to be positive when speaking about his dad and my guess is that your son will want to see less and less of him and he'll be phased out of your son's life.

Original poster
Lovelyflower · 04/09/2022 14:33

I’m completely outraged right now after dropping off the clothes at ex’s house they introduced the baby as Barney Jay (last name) BARNABY’S FIRST MIDDLE NAME IS JAMES so I did raise my eyebrows a bit and he tried to start a argument saying “if you don’t like the name we chose that’s weird as it’s so similar to Barnaby’s name” HE BLOODY KNOWS THAT THEY ARE BOTH BASICALLY THE SAME NAME

OP posts: