Friend will only pay me back if I allow her to live with me

[losca]

Two years ago I gave my friend a loan of £4k as she was in a precarious financial situation having not been able to break her lease when her MSc came to an end as she had anticipated (she was screwed over by landlord so I was very sympathetic as I experienced similar).

In contrast, I was living at home (moved back in during Covid) and was able to save so more than happy to help. My dad basically convinced me to give up a few years of my life in order to get on the property ladder in London.

My friend has known my plan has always been to buy a house and use rent from housemates to cover the rent (wish I had never shared my bloody life plan with her now). My friend also knows roughly what the mortgage will be -- foolishly shared Rightmove link with her.

I've lost a lot of respect for her as she has far exceeded the date we agreed that she would pay me back by. Anyway, I'm really shocked that she has essentially said she will only be able to afford to pay be back if she moves into my new house (rent is far below market rate).

There's no way I want to live with her due to the way she has conducted herself but I really feel like she is blackmailing me. She has slagged me off to anyone who will listen and shared my every detail of finances - savings, salary etc. to mutual friends.

I drafted a contract (independent witness also signed) but I'm worried it's meaningless. I cannot afford to walk away from the money as I need to set up home with it.

And please please listen to the advice about charging a little more rent to save up a pot of money for gaps between tenants / a tenant losing their job and not being able to pay / redecorating the bedrooms between tenants / the boiler breaking and while you might be prepared to live with slightly uncomfortable situation, but your tenants expecting it to be fixed quickly.

if you charge a bit more than you need, you can give a discount if one of them starts struggling financially once you’ve got some savings built up.

as you have found, the most lovely people can turn nightmarish about money.

Honestly, this entire situation makes me regret listening to my parents. I would never have saved that money to lend had I not moved back home and my mental state would be far better!

You're in this situation because you have poor boundaries and don't appear to value yourself enough to say no and protect yourself. Not because you had savings or your parents supported you. Your choices are your responsibility, why are you blaming your parents?

Assertiveness is important and not the same as aggression. If you can't even be assertive with "friends" that's a massive problem.

The fair distribution of wealth has fuck all to do with this situation.

Er, I know you say that you only want to charge rent plus bills, but the reason that you should charge market rent is because as a property owner you will be on the hook for all of the property maintenance too. I doubt your lodgers will chip in on the £2k+ bill for a new boiler or the costs of replacing the washing machine or sofa.

Anyhow, on the main topic....Your friends are really not your friends if they support you being ripped off to the tune of £4k. The borrower is definitely not your friend and you are very unlikely to get it that money back without court action.

Parents never win. They left her stay for free to save, they advised, sensibly, she buy a home, and it’s their fault her own choice of friend led her on a merry dance. Which is continuing. Mad story.

I wish I could have met mugs in my renting days were so socialise they’d let me rent for below market rate and would hand me out thousands never to be repaid.

Now you know why banks tie you up in a binding contract before loaning money.

She is no friend of yours.

Er, I know you say that you only want to charge rent plus bills, but the reason that you should charge market rent is because as a property owner you will be on the hook for all of the property maintenance too. I doubt your lodgers will chip in on the £2k+ bill for a new boiler or the costs of replacing the washing machine or sofa.

This!! You need to account for wear and tear and maintenance. That isn't exploitation, it's perfectly reasonable and simply not making yourself financially vulnerable.

Loan aside, how would you manage living with someone who

a) has shared your private information willy nilly amongst your social group
b) has been clear that she thinks you're far better off than her and therefore should subsidise her
c) has been hostile and evasive when asked, perfectly reasonably, to commit to any sort of repayment plan

I would feel so uncomfortable sharing my safe space with someone who has demonstrably trampled over so many boundaries.

As others have said, she'll be a terrible flatmate. Irrespective of whether she actually pays rent on time without you having to chase her, she will want to share all your things, food, utilities, without providing anything of her own to share, will use your house as she sees fit - inviting others to stay for extended periods without discussing with you first, and heaven help you if she had a partner.

If you think even a tenth of what I've written above rings true, then she is no friend and you need to be clear. Email or text her explicitly to say that she will not be considered as a potential flatmate and that she needs to find other accommodation. Take her to small claims court but it's unlikely to end with anything but a pyrrhic victory.

If mutual "friends" start slagging you off or saying you're being unfair, just clearly state the case.

x borrowed £4k off me on x date. She signed an agreement to repay it within x time. She has, to date, not paid me anything and refuses to agree any kind of payment reschedule. Given that she also appears to have shared private information of mine widely, I am sure you understand that I cannot share my home with her. I don't wish for others to get involved, but as X shared private information on the whatsapp group, I felt it was only fair on me to give my perspective. However, I don't want to discuss it any further. I am really disappointed that someone I trusted and supported financially and emotionally has repaid me in such a fashion and will not be making the same mistake again.

People who are robbed like this should also make public, with names, the situation to protect others from such thieves. Please don't ramble about her having 'issues' yawn yawn, we all have things going on in our lives but we choose not to scam our friends.

In 10 years time OP I'd guess you'll be back asking for help with the coercive control relationship you've got yourself involved in.
Stand back - LOOK at what she's demanding. Ask yourself how her demands can in any way be fair and equitable? She's bullying you and abusing your friendship while shaming you in public. You've no doubt lost the money but you don't have to lose your personal skills.

See this for what it is. A shakedown. A rip off. Financial abuse.

Do not let anyone treat you like this. I suspect you're young - and most of us understand how easy it is to get caught up in toxic / abusive situations before we develop the experience to spot a chancer. Get back what you can, there's been some great advice about what to do and going forward, be more sceptical and assertive with all your friendships / relationships.

none of this is your parents fault they were right for yu to save for property-do they know what shes done

shes not a friend and if the others agree then theyre not friends either

small claims court is the only way

how was her landlord trying to breach a contract

Who knows if she would even pay me rent?

A tenner says there'd be no chance, and then you'd be on the hook for lost rent as well as the missing loan repayment

Quite frankly you'd have to be mad to allow her another chance to leech off you again

So you think that progressive people with socialist leanings support theft? She is relying on this, take her to court, put everything on social media with her name and if it comes to it say Ciao, Hasta la vista, Tschuess, au revoir, whatever to her.

I can't believe you are blaming your parents for your decision to give £4k to a comrade from the local socialist party. Do you all sing The Red Flag at the end of your What's App meetings?

Oh god @Pheasantplucker2 is right - she’d be a fucking nightmare to live with ! Bet she’d be the sort to walk out having used the last sheet of loo roll without thinking to replace it or pick up more. She would view anything you or other tenant bought as communal food/drink / consumables, but wow betide anyone who took one of her cotton wool pads to take their eye make up off when they’d run out…

As you're learning, OP, business is business. I've learned over time that business must be kept completely separate from friendships. That's why I don't do business with friends if I can help it. But say I'm offering a service or buying a service or goods etc within a friendship, I'll say at the start - this is business, we are not friends in this transaction. No mates rates, no messing about because of misguided conscience issues, blurring boundaries. Nah - business is money and time and I will not be ripped off by strangers nor friends. They are all clients or suppliers at that point, it's the only way to operate in this society. One of my best mates helped with this, came into some money and offered a loan to me, but with a solicitor's contract to be drawn up, that is how you do it. We were on the same page on the business footing being completely separate from our friendship, it protects both things. You'd be completely mad to let this piss taking CF anywhere near you or your financial information ever again. Tell her to fuck off.

I personally believe it is immoral to exploit the human need for shelter so am happy to set rent at mortgage + bills

It's immoral to rip-off and blackmail your friend, yet you're considering letting this piece of shit move into your home? FFS, you're not running a charity. You have to be the biggest mug alive to allow this. This woman is a con and a theif.

Not really, I still fundamentally believe in the equitable distribution of wealth. Billionaires should not exist.

OP we're not talking about billionaires though. I mean, sure, if your surname is Bezos then this conversation is different. But I'm guessing it's not.

If you feel so much guilt about wanting to be paid your own money back then just write it off and don't bother saving up any more in the future. What's your actual problem with writing it off anyway? I don't understand. You think you shouldn't have saved it in the first place, you think you're a mean, rich person for asking for it back. You think essentially that she continues to have more need of it than you do (it's apparently what's stopping her leaving the country, where as you are a home owner). So why on Earth are you bothered that she won't give it back to you? Surely your apparently socialist morals are aligned with her greater need of it than yours?

So the most logical course of action is to gift her the money in a form of wealth redistribution. You save face in front of friends, she isn't thrown out of the country from a money-grabbing GC capitalist and you also can feel the moral superiority of not having gone to the small claims court like most of us would.

In future, if you save money by mistake (don't amount wealth deliberately, it's clearly causing multiple moral issues for you, so just not worth it) then give it to a food bank or homeless shelter. They'd be worthier recipients than a manipulative thief.

Haven't read the full thread so others may have already suggested this. Take her to the Small Claims Court and get your money back. I have known a couple of friends do this and they've won. You'll get your money back and you'll never hear from her again. Win-win.

You can do it all on line. You'll need to have proof that this was a loan (texts or emails in which she asks for a loan and you agree to the loan are fine, it doesn't have to be a contract.) Gather evidence that you've attempted to get the money back and she's refused — again texts/ messages and emails are fine. If there's a lack of evidence contact her now via WA or text and engineer a conversation in which she agrees that she owes you £4k and her plan to pay it back. That plan — living with you on a subsidised rent in order to save money to pay you back — is patently ridiculous. Gather your evidence, spend an hour filling in the court forms online and then lodge your case.

But I would stake my life on it that you were born to wealthy parents (or at the least to very comfortable ones)

private education?

multiple holidays a year?

Sigh. Welcome to growing up. A vast majority of people believe billionaires shouldn’t exist. We’re not all stealing the money our friends who aren’t even on the property ladder yet have saved for a deposit, like your friend did to you. What’s her justification? That it should be hers anyway? Nice. Her brand of socialism isn’t working out for you. Your friend (and your social group agrees?!?!?) has apparently decided there’s no difference between your £4K and billionaires, and you’re the rich and she’s eating you. Please be smarter than that. Of COURSE a vast majority of people don’t love it that 10 richest men (not people) doubled their incomes during the pandemic, that if you took away 99% of that pandemic wealth, they’d still have more than 99% of all people on Earth, and that a one-time 99% windfall tax of that pandemic gain could pay for universal healthcare and social protection, climate adaptation and a reduction in gender-based violence in over 80 countries, and still leave the ten of them $8 billion better off than they were before the pandemic.

Thinking this doesn’t make you a bloody socialist. It makes you a realist. But we don’t borrow off our friends, not pay back our debts, and use socialism as some kind of excuse?!? What the fuck has her disgusting behavior got to do with anything?

You’re allowed to save money. You’re allowed to buy a property. You’re allowed to have safety and security and improve your life AND still think billionaires are dicks. “Eat the rich.” Sigh. Think for yourself, OP. And ditch this whole fucked up group.

@losca
I sincerely hope you have proof of this loan
I lent a partner a lump of money and never got it back .
I’d lent it against my better judgement-
Couldn’t do anything legally as no “ Proof”.

Do NOT let this cheeky F&cker live in your house!!

I’d bet your £4k on it.

shes bullshitting and manipulating you. Take her to court, where she lives is totally within her power to do something about .

She is NOT your friend, please stop being such a drip.

Sending up thanks to my parents for not raising me to be a socialist...

I rented out two rooms in my house when husband left- at waay below market rates-
But my lodgers were very good at paying the low rent.

Your “Friend” sounds like she’d take gross advantage.

Never, ever lend money-
I learned that the hard way.

Shockingly, a well paid professional borrowed £70k from a relative- this professional wanted to set up a “ Business” in her home country.
It was incredibly hard to get the money back.

Always people who have dire credit scores who are on the scrounge.
Makes me very angry at the cheek of these blaggers.