AIBU?
To lose respect over video games?
IdiotMom · 03/09/2022 07:51
DH is reasonably helpful. I wouldn't say its 5050 but he does make an effort most of the time and more lately because he's seen how stressed I am at work. He took our 2 young DC away for 2 days to leave me home alone for 2 nights. He takes them out without me. But he's never cleaned a loo in his life. Swings and roundabouts I guess
Anyway every Friday night he plays computer games with his mates. He also plays games at various points...like if the kids have a nap he'll jump on the computer
But on Friday night he plays until 3am or later. He does try to help the next day but he's obviously a bit dazed. Both our kids are waking in the night at the mo so I'm dealing with that while he games on Friday.
I just have the ick. Listening to him talking about shooting this or that over his headset at 2am. Bleugh. He's 44.
He says it's his one thing. He doesn't go out drinking anymore. It doesn't stop him doing any childcare or anything. I just find it really unattractive.
AIBU?
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
Swg · 03/09/2022 09:42
I hate mumsnet talk of the ick and this is why. Think about what you're saying. You're saying "everything you do, no matter whether or not it has anything to do with me, must appeal to me. There is no space in your life you are allowed to keep entirely for you."
If he's not pulling his weight that's a seperate problem but "I don't like his hobby because it makes him unsexy to me" is a terrible relationship goal and we'd all judge it horribly if a man were holding a woman to that standard.
ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/09/2022 09:50
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Anyone who thinks this is a massive bore......and pathetic.
glamourousindierockandroll · 03/09/2022 09:54
YABU. He is entitled to do a hobby. This one is cheap, legal, safe, he's in the house so therefore freeing you up to go out if you like, it's keeping him in touch with friends.
The only thing I agree with you on is the 3am every week. As an occasional thing, fine, but knowingly making himself tired when the children are around the next day is annoying for everyone. Maybe 12-1am would be a bit more reasonable.
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/09/2022 10:14
I think a lot of mens hobbies are a bit icky inducing...the golf outfits...the lycra...the football chants etc, none of it is attractive. However I think if your relationship is otherwise good, women generally just laugh at it as a quirk.
If its bothering you, then its likely there is something else going on that's bothering you. If he is a teacher, does he not pick up more in the holidays so you get a bit more down time?
It reads to me like he is not pulling his weight but because he is not completely awful then you put up with it. So maybe when you split all the house chores including mental load, shopping / cooking, house work, laundry, all child related things like pick up drop offs bed times and just child care, you do 70 and he does 30....but when you've got kids and work and you're effectively doing double what the other does, that leads to exhaustion and resentment.
You sound a lot more tired than him. Maybe you're annoyed that youd struggle to stay awake til 3am. Maybe you're annoyed that you dont have 6 hours to do a hobby. Maybe you're annoyed that if you left him on his own for a few days he would spend all his time gaming and yet you did chores because they needed doing and he wouldn't do them
.
TulipCat · 03/09/2022 10:17
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OMG my DS turns 15 next week. I will pass this on to him so he can change his pathetic ways before the deadline 😂🤣😂
Swg · 03/09/2022 10:18
So the more I read of this the more it sounds like you aren't ok, OP. Nothing to do with video games. You're at the point where you're exhausted, on your knees and generally too miserable to focus on him and you're feeling jealous and resentful that he has time and energy to focus on a hobby when you can't. Is that about right?
It's okay to not be okay but take care about where you put the blame. What you need to do is acknowledge - to him and to yourself - that you don't feel like you have anything that gives you joy right now and you don't feel like you have the energy to start anything, rather than setting out to take away the thing that gives him joy.
And that might mean that you get a lie in on Sunday if he gets one on Saturday. Or it might mean if you have any holiday days left you take a couple when the kids are at nursery and use them to do very little. Or it might mean you go to the doctor to talk about the possibility of depression.
WandaWomblesaurus · 03/09/2022 10:19
If it's the thing he's doing instead of drinking and it's a way of him being social I would drop the judgment on it tbh. The most I would do is maybe say could he not play so late - but they might have special raids planned that can last a few hours.
ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/09/2022 10:19
TulipCat · 03/09/2022 10:17
OMG my DS turns 15 next week. I will pass this on to him so he can change his pathetic ways before the deadline 😂🤣😂
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Please do or one day your future DIL may be on here screaming that her MIL did not teach her son the error of his ways at an appropriate age.
bruffin · 03/09/2022 10:22
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Oh the irony!
WandaWomblesaurus · 03/09/2022 10:23
IdiotMom · 03/09/2022 09:12
@Andromachehadabadday sorry I should have been clearer. He's started taking them out without me at the weekend for the odd morning and he took them away for 2 days when he was on holiday over the summer (he's a teacher) because I was so frazzled. Those two days were spent at work during the day and catching up with laundry etc in the evenings. I know I know that's on me. But honestly I don't know where to find the time. The kids are awake at 6. Takes an hour to get them to bed. Dinner at 8. And then I'm just lying on the sofa.
Anyway this isn't about my lack of time. It's literally just whether it's fair of me to find my DH shouting at a computer at 2am unattractive and irritating. I think it probably is.
It just sounds like you need to both manage your time a bit better.
Some ideas -
- you could get a cleaner for a couple of hours every other week.
- save time on cooking quick meals and zapping leftovers
- draw up a schedule of what needs doing
- get a hobby of your own!
-
Bestcatmum · 03/09/2022 10:24
I think computer games are the bane of modern life. i wish I had never bought one for DS when he still lived at home.
People just sit in front of them living in a fantasy world achieving nothing and getting fat.Fucking waste of a life.
When my grandfather was your husbands age he was always busy fixing up the house, growing vegetables for the family, keeping bees, chopping wood and being 100% involved in raising his family, not sitting in front of a screen.
SweepItUnderTheCarpet · 03/09/2022 10:24
Boring pointless 'womens' hobbies (I don't think that but trying to understand why some pastimes are ok but not others)
Doing nails, hair and make up
Shopping for clothes handbags etc
Watching soaps or reality shows
Chatting with their friends
Having coffees out with friends
Reading books and magazines
Social media
ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/09/2022 10:28
Bestcatmum · 03/09/2022 10:24
I think computer games are the bane of modern life. i wish I had never bought one for DS when he still lived at home.
People just sit in front of them living in a fantasy world achieving nothing and getting fat.Fucking waste of a life.
When my grandfather was your husbands age he was always busy fixing up the house, growing vegetables for the family, keeping bees, chopping wood and being 100% involved in raising his family, not sitting in front of a screen.
Sounds like a Mum problem rather than a gaming problem, what parent allows their child living at home with them to sit in front of a screen all day living in a fantasy world achieving nothing and getting fat as fuck.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
BadNomad · 03/09/2022 10:29
Bestcatmum · 03/09/2022 10:24
I think computer games are the bane of modern life. i wish I had never bought one for DS when he still lived at home.
People just sit in front of them living in a fantasy world achieving nothing and getting fat.Fucking waste of a life.
When my grandfather was your husbands age he was always busy fixing up the house, growing vegetables for the family, keeping bees, chopping wood and being 100% involved in raising his family, not sitting in front of a screen.
Yes! Children should be up chimneys and men should be down coalmines! Not sitting at home entertaining themselves in their spare time.
I get fat sitting watching Netflix.
Agrudge · 03/09/2022 10:30
@Bestcatmum how many of these jobs do you do?
When my grandfather was your husbands age he was always busy fixing up the house, growing vegetables for the family, keeping bees, chopping wood and being 100% involved in raising his family, not sitting in front of a screen.
Rockshore · 03/09/2022 10:32
I’m not sure this is about the games per se, it sounds like you’re really down and this is just adding to it.
That said I’d find it a massive turnoff as well if my partner played video games, it just seems really childish. But I’d also find golf or cycling a turnoff too, I think it’s the way men get engrossed in them to the exclusion of everything else (and the sad clothes - at least your DH doesn’t have to dress up to play games!)
I think if everything else is OK you can accept a hobby as part of your relationship but if things aren’t so good it’s one of the first things that will wind you up.
Agrudge · 03/09/2022 10:38
Rockshore · 03/09/2022 10:32
I’m not sure this is about the games per se, it sounds like you’re really down and this is just adding to it.
That said I’d find it a massive turnoff as well if my partner played video games, it just seems really childish. But I’d also find golf or cycling a turnoff too, I think it’s the way men get engrossed in them to the exclusion of everything else (and the sad clothes - at least your DH doesn’t have to dress up to play games!)
I think if everything else is OK you can accept a hobby as part of your relationship but if things aren’t so good it’s one of the first things that will wind you up.
So are men in your life not aloud or is there an approved list
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