Ds’s girlfriend coming for tea all the time

[LostFrog]

Ds1 is 15. His gf is also 15, but only just. They have been seeing each other for a few months. Since July she has been coming round for tea probably 4 times a week, except for when we were on holiday. She is from a v large (7 siblings, 5 of them younger) family who live rurally, about a 20 min drive away. No public transport so relies on parent to give her lifts. When she is not with us she seems to be staying at her friend’s house - she went on holiday with them for a week, and to a music festival with them. Quite often she will sleep round there after she has been at ours. I know her mum vaguely, but she hasn’t once been in touch to say thank you or to return the invitation. One time I texted her and phoned her because my son was late home and I was worried and wondered if they were together - I didn’t get a reply. When they have picked her up from ours they haven’t come to the door, they have texted her and she has gone out to them. I told the gf the other day I would take her home instead, and when she messaged her mum to let her know, half an hour later the dad turned up (parked down the road) and off she went!

AIBU to think they are being cheeky in expecting us, and her friend’s family, to basically feed and care for her? There has been no acknowledgement and no return invitation.

They are back to school next week so I have said to ds no more during the week, but I don’t want that to be taken to mean that we will feed her every weekend either, since it seems unlikely to be reciprocated. I don’t want ds to feel gf is unwelcome, but nor do I really want to have another mouth to feed so regularly when times are so tough. That said, I would probably feel a bit more accommodating if I didn’t feel they were taking the piss. AIBU, and what do I do?

You are completely right to be annoyed by this but I don’t know the answer! I hope someone else has a suggestion what to say- it seems neither she nor her parents have much thought or social skills to avoid this feeling like you’re doing too much . Whatever happens I would explain to your DS that it’s not fair it’s feeling too much .

I imagine being a teenager in a house full of younger children, she is trying to get away from having to help out with the younger ones.

During term time, she might be looking for some peace to do her homework. I doubt the parents are expecting her to eat elsewhere, she probably just does. And would your son want to go where there are 5 younger dcs?

Your ds needs to understand that you want some guest-free days, and that feeding extra mouths can be expensive. He needs to understand when he can invite her.

It rings alarm bells a little that she doesn’t want to be at home and her parents are happy for her to be out so much.
Part of me completely agrees with you that it’s cheeky and too much to expect you to feed her so much but the other part of me would do some gentle digging with your DS to find out more about her home life

I'm guessing that things are loud and crowded at home and she looks to anywhere to escape to. I wouldn't fancy hosting anyone for dinner four times a week though! Nah.

Yes it rings alarm bells for me too. I get the sense that it’s chaotic at home - although how could it not be with so many kids?! Mum seems nice enough, bit ditsy. Gf herself is very shy and quiet. Doesn’t tend to join in much with conversation although I really try to include her without drawing attention to her. I feel mean saying this, but I actually do think that they are intentionally letting others feed her - giving her a lift into town at 5:30 pretty much guarantees that someone else will have to!

At 15 I don’t think things will necessarilly be reciprocal in the same way as they are when kids are going on play dates when younger. Presumably DS and his GF are arranging this between themselves and not with parental involvement, the GF needs to invite DS over not her parents. If she’s coming over too much that’s because DS is inviting her over all the time, you need to be clearer with him about how often is too much or ask him to ask GF if he can go to hers sometimes. I wouldn’t think it’s up to her parents to initiate any of it.

This was me at 15…anywhere but home and for good reason.

Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors but I’m so grateful that bfs mother didn’t send me out. We didn’t expect to be fed 4 nights a week though, we would usually eat out (money dependant!) She’s now been my MIL for 15 years!

Maybe it’s just a huge family and she’s fed up of having so many siblings but there must be a reason.

YANBU, it sounds suffocating. Tell DS that he needs to ask before inviting anyone for tea, including his girlfriend, even on weekends.

I would be a bit miffed about it but would just feed her, largely because I would be worried that it might not be ok at home and I would rather not send my son into it if it wasn't. Or for them to be walking the streets or something.

Maybe just have some super cheap dinners when she is there?

Definitely stick to no weeknights. Does that include Friday? Just set rules early on
If she is quiet and she that's better than loud and obnoxious.
I would even get them to do cooking and cleaning one night each weekend then so she(they) help out that way.

Sounds like gf is trying to get some peace with 5 younger siblings plus older. I imagine she doesnt have any personal space at home.

I think yabu. Let your ds enjoy his time with his gf and be thankful he wants to bring her home

Tbh, extra dinner guest aside, I don't think I'd want my 15 year old having such an intense relationship where they were spending so many evenings together. Just seems too young to me.

I think you're being harsh. Her family may be really struggling which isn't gf's fault. If they are struggling she will be struggling too. I think you need to work out what's really offending you - lack of communication and gratitude from parents, the extra cost of food or just wanting more time with your son without company.

If it's lack of gratitude from parents you should let that go. You have no idea what's going on in gf's family but by being kind to her at least you are supporting someone who is important to your ds. Don't embarrass gf by having a problem with her parents.

If you're worried about food prices make cheaper meals when gf is round and just absorb her.

If you'd like more time alone with ds or are worried about homework etc tell him. He may come up with solutions. But don't pretend that's what you feel if you're masking something else. He will know.

I would be concerned that they don’t have enough food for their large family. Even beans on toast and fruit is better than nothing for the poor girl.

I think you sound a bit mean to be honest. Just make cheap meals and welcome your sons friends/gf into your home without expecting any pay back.

Poor girl.

It is concerning but you cannot keep absorbing the cost especially as things go up in price and there is no reciprocating. Her parents will know she having dinner with you or her friend.

I was always at my boyfriends as a teen, he was almost never at mine. He had a big house, his own room, more space in general, his parents had a lot more money/food as well. I shared a room with two younger siblings and my Nan lived with us and was always in the living room watching her TV. Reciprocating just wasn’t really an option, I didn’t have an equal environment to welcome him into, so we were at his or we were out. Thankfully his parents were lovely and welcoming, though with hindsight and maturity I’m sure I was there too much. It sounds like this might be a similar situation for your sons GF. That’s not to say you should just have her there all the time, it’s fine to have your boundaries and your space, but I don’t think it’s fair to suggest she/her parents are taking the piss or that it should be equal both ways.

@impossible yes that’s true, it’s a bit of everything really. But we also have younger children, and it doesn’t feel fair on them to have to ‘absorb’ the cost. We have said no to weeknights from now on and see how that goes.
yes I am also worried about the intensity but he refuses to discuss the relationship in any detail with us, he gets extremely defensive about it, I think he is just embarrassed which is understandable- I wish he felt he could talk to us but we just don’t have that kind of relationship, sadly. He stomped off this evening because dh tried to talk to him about ‘boundaries’.
god, teenagers! I have YEARS of this to come!

At that age I was left to sort my own dinner out, if I went out she didn’t ask what I was going about dinner so she had no idea if I’d eaten at home, at someone else’s house, got food in town, or not eaten at all. It may be the same with her, especially if she has 7 siblings at home.

I can understand your concern about the intensity of the relationship and spending so much time together but that’s fairly normal at that age, if he wasn’t with his girlfriend would he be hanging out with friends instead? Would you worry about them spending a lot of time together?

It’s fine for you to put boundaries in place and you absolutely do not have to feed this girl just because your son invited her over, but you can’t blame the parents for something that might not know about, especially as it seems you don’t have much idea about her home life. It’s also not really up to a 15 year olds parents to be inviting their boyfriend over, that’s down to his girlfriend, they may have invited him and gf never said anything or your son didn’t want to go over there (not sure Id blame him with that many kids in the house haha)

The obvious reasoning would surely be that they both presumably have homework and need to have study time. They can have social time for an hour or two after school and then tell him he has to be home for his dinner and homework?

Sounds like me at that age.. chaotic home life and I used to love going to my boyfriends house, I was fascinated by how ‘normal’ his family were and I couldn’t get enough. Poor girl, you are not a substitute mother though so you do need some boundaries.

I was one of six kids, pretty neglected. I had a long term boyfriend at 15 and would only go to his never to mine because I was embarrassed about the state of my house. His parents weren't very kind to me, meant we ended up just meeting in sometimes dangerous situations. Don't be like my ex bfs parents.

This would be my biggest worry!