Ds’s girlfriend coming for tea all the time

[LostFrog]

Ds1 is 15. His gf is also 15, but only just. They have been seeing each other for a few months. Since July she has been coming round for tea probably 4 times a week, except for when we were on holiday. She is from a v large (7 siblings, 5 of them younger) family who live rurally, about a 20 min drive away. No public transport so relies on parent to give her lifts. When she is not with us she seems to be staying at her friend’s house - she went on holiday with them for a week, and to a music festival with them. Quite often she will sleep round there after she has been at ours. I know her mum vaguely, but she hasn’t once been in touch to say thank you or to return the invitation. One time I texted her and phoned her because my son was late home and I was worried and wondered if they were together - I didn’t get a reply. When they have picked her up from ours they haven’t come to the door, they have texted her and she has gone out to them. I told the gf the other day I would take her home instead, and when she messaged her mum to let her know, half an hour later the dad turned up (parked down the road) and off she went!

AIBU to think they are being cheeky in expecting us, and her friend’s family, to basically feed and care for her? There has been no acknowledgement and no return invitation.

They are back to school next week so I have said to ds no more during the week, but I don’t want that to be taken to mean that we will feed her every weekend either, since it seems unlikely to be reciprocated. I don’t want ds to feel gf is unwelcome, but nor do I really want to have another mouth to feed so regularly when times are so tough. That said, I would probably feel a bit more accommodating if I didn’t feel they were taking the piss. AIBU, and what do I do?

I’d do the same about no weeknights because if nothing else it sounds too intense for 15, and what if your son loses interest but feels he can’t break it off as they are so intertwined in each other’s lives.

OP, my youngest is 18 so I'm a bit further on from you, age-wise. I've just had one of my youngest child's friends staying here for 2 weeks. I have known her since she was 5, if that makes a difference - but I don't analyse it. I know and love her parents, and there's nothing weird going on. It's just that they have been away with their younger children, and she didn't want to go with them.

I have very definitely noticed the additional expense of an extra young person in the house, but I've just made super-cheap suppers and have told them all to be even quicker than normal in the shower. I absolutely wouldn't over-think any of this.

No, as I just said I offer them an alternative that they declined 90% of the time. They also always had free rein to all the snacks and drinks they want. The majority of the week the kids sorted their own dinner out as I was at work and when I did cook more often than not I would have enough to feed everyone as I always over do the portions, just on the occasion I didn’t have enough.

it sounds very familiar, parituclarly the not coming to the door to collect.
presumably she and your dc have privacy she doesnt get at home
at least the parents are picking her up!

ds gf at the same age was vegetarian but during their relationshp decided she would eat chicken after all!
she is a lovely girl and it was sad when they split up

It has to be cheaper to feed her an evening meal than drive her 20/40 minutes each evening with fuel prices as they are. If they are feeding 9 she won't make much difference to cost.
Have you spoken to her friends mum? She may be able to tell you why she doesn't like being at home. It sounds like the girl will stay at hers more if she can't go to yours and she may know why she doesn't like being at home. Hopefully it is just overwhelmingly chaotic.

I wouldn't not feed her due to lack of reciprocation. But it would depend if I could afford it. I'd speak to ds and say she's welcome round but not at meal times so either comes in day and leaves before tea or cones after tea. Family do sound strange though.

@LostFrog You are doing fantastic and its lovely that your son has such a great relationship with you that he feels he can bring his GF round.

Appreciate its tough on you BUT think of this, imagine if your son was never round, didn’t want to spend anytime with you. You would be devastated.

Later in life he may be in circumstances where he can’t visit you as much as he wants. So, I would say, suck it up, be that great sharing caring generous mum you are. Also, you are indirectly teaching his GF how to be a great mum. She doesn’t have that at her own home.

Forget how her parents act, they are not you and its outside your control how they should behave, and you can’t change it. When you text to say you would drop her off, they probably took that as a message that they should collect her. Just forget it.

Yes they probably are taking the p@ss but you know what, it probably just doesn't even occur to them. Not everyone will think the same way you do or share your values and moral compass, its just how it is but you are doing the right thing and the right thing by your son and that's all that counts here.

Enjoy this time, they are safe with you, and you are clearly a great mum. Go girl…

Me teenage daughter spends a lot of time at her boyfriend’s despite me continually telling her to bring him over/not spend so much time together. Reasons are because I’m usually at home so they wouldn’t get much privacy here, he lives close to common friends and in town so they can more easily hang out with them. A few years ago, my eldest’s girlfriend stayed with us all the time. So it is swings and roundabouts.

This. Parents don’t ‘reciprocate play dates’ at 15. I would be happy my son wants his gf over. I suggest if food costs are getting harder say how about she comes round Wednesdays during the week IF you two do an hours study before dinner that day? And have a filling meal on Wednesdays and call them out to lay the table.

May be the girlfriend hasn't told her mum that she is having tea at your home, so the parents are clueless, and that's why there is no thank you.

Why don't you just say to your son and girlriend...she can have tea every friday night if you like but let me speak to your mum to make sure it is OK.

If she is hanging around your house, it is not a bad thing. They are IN your house, and not elsewhere.

I have a friend who made her home open house to her teenage son's friends on fridays. They would come round, eat, hang out, watch tv, play video games. There was an area with alcohol so sometimes they would try some. But because it was there, the alcohol became no big deal, and they didn't care for it. My friend got to know the kids, their personalities, the responsible ones, and when her son was not at home, she could always locate them through the others.

We had this with DS’s GF, but she did only live 10 minute walk away. She had 2 siblings and her DM had split with her DF. Money was tight at home for their family and her DM was quite strict with them. She was always here. I did tell my DS that it would be better for their relationship to not spend so much time together, but he knew best and wanted her round all the time. Good for you sticking to your guns about visiting.

At 15 parents don't 'reciprocate' nor do they pick up at the front door - a text message is very typical. If they can afford to run her into town everyday from a rural location then it's very unlikely they can't afford to feed her. She probably likes the more space more peace at your house OP.
I'd be more worried about the intensity of the relationship than the extra portion of food. If you don't want her round then fine, but if she is around then don't 'punish' her as others have suggested by not offering food and certainly don't engineer an 'emergency' so that you can have a nosey at her parents.

This

Id be worried that she is being neglected at home, which is a form of abuse

😂😂😂😂 I suppose it takes all sorts to make the world go round but if Id ever tried to do it I’d have been disappointed in my kids if they’d appeared at the table with their spectator friend/left them upstairs. In fact I hope they’d have been ashamed of me for even suggesting it.

Honestly. if you can afford to feed her, I'd just welcome her. That way you know where your son is, and that he is getting fed and home in time for a good night's sleep on a school day.

If you impose sanctions on them just because she has shitty parents (not her fault) you might just drive them away. If her home is unwelcoming, they'll be spending chilly autumn nights in bus shelters and play parks just so they can see each other.

I'd just model good parenting and encourage them to eat their tea and do their homework. Feel good about yourself that you are being kind and showing her how family life can be.

Ask DS if he knows why he doesn’t get invited to hers and explain gently that you can’t really keep providing for another person so much of the time.

It sounds like you have a lovely home environment and family and she enjoys spending time with her bf and you as a family. Her own home environment could be toxic, or there's not enough food, and she may have no way of being able to say that (or too embarrassed). I would keep feeding her if you can afford to do so. You might be really helping someone in real need. She'll remember it.

At least you know what he is, push her out and he might end up staying out with her. My eldest brothers girl friend moved in when she was about 16 and stayed for about 5 years, was given her own bedroom when they split up, her home life wasn’t good. We wouldn’t have chosen it but sometimes you just need to do it. At least she isn’t moving in!

Big red flags all over this that they didn’t want you near the house, and that she chooses to spend so much time away from home.

I’d ask her privately if everything is ok at home.

YANBU not to want to have her round so much, but it does sound like something is your at home.

If she sleeps over at your house I wouldn’t let her share with DS - they’re underage. They’re both children.

I’d be pleased of not having to be the parent doing all the lifts every evening personally. Feeding an extra person at diner is cheaper than running around doing all the lifts with fuel prices as they currently are. Also you get to keep an eye on them in your own home. l think saying no more mid weeks is a bit harsh, but maybe reduce particularly in term time to focus on studies. I have a 17 year old and a 15 year old, I haven’t met either of their boyfriends/girlfriends parents, don’t really feel a need to to be honest. If there was an issue I would but I don’t need to befriend their parents at this stage in their lives. Also at 15 I was much the same I spent nearly all my free time at my boyfriends house, my home life at the time was a bit chaotic and it was good to escape it. As mentioned I’d be more concerned about the intensity of the relationship and effects on studies etc.

Yes something is off here. Just set your boundaries and let it run its course. The parents may not want anyone going to the house for multiple reasons.
There are cheap meals to be made She’s probably grateful for the peace -

@Lasagnainmyhair eurgh those poor kids not being offered any food.

They are 15 though so I wouldn't expect a handover chat at the door or the playdate to be reciprocated like you do in primary school. Her not replying for 30min, well she isn't glued to her phone clearly. You can say no to feeding her or allowing her round so often but expecting the parent to come to the door and thank you for having their 15 year old would seem odd. They have lots of children so she probably likes the peace and quiet of other people's houses. It's up to you if you don't want her over, your son might see it as you stopping him seeing her though.

18 years ago this was my DH. He used to get his mum to drop him off down the road because he was embarrassed of his mums car. If his mum had been in touch with mine he'd have never forgiven her. I never ever went to his house.

My mum has always called him her extra son.

He was not neglected but his family didn't have a lot of money. He thought that mattered (it doesn't).

For what its worth I now have an amazing relationship with my in laws and so do my kids. They are awesome, but god knows what would have happened if my mum had turned him away or expected his mum to take equal turns.

Does it really hurt to have 1 extra for tea if it makes your DS happy and keeps him safe in your house. So many worse things a 15 year old could be doing.