Ds’s girlfriend coming for tea all the time

[LostFrog]

Ds1 is 15. His gf is also 15, but only just. They have been seeing each other for a few months. Since July she has been coming round for tea probably 4 times a week, except for when we were on holiday. She is from a v large (7 siblings, 5 of them younger) family who live rurally, about a 20 min drive away. No public transport so relies on parent to give her lifts. When she is not with us she seems to be staying at her friend’s house - she went on holiday with them for a week, and to a music festival with them. Quite often she will sleep round there after she has been at ours. I know her mum vaguely, but she hasn’t once been in touch to say thank you or to return the invitation. One time I texted her and phoned her because my son was late home and I was worried and wondered if they were together - I didn’t get a reply. When they have picked her up from ours they haven’t come to the door, they have texted her and she has gone out to them. I told the gf the other day I would take her home instead, and when she messaged her mum to let her know, half an hour later the dad turned up (parked down the road) and off she went!

AIBU to think they are being cheeky in expecting us, and her friend’s family, to basically feed and care for her? There has been no acknowledgement and no return invitation.

They are back to school next week so I have said to ds no more during the week, but I don’t want that to be taken to mean that we will feed her every weekend either, since it seems unlikely to be reciprocated. I don’t want ds to feel gf is unwelcome, but nor do I really want to have another mouth to feed so regularly when times are so tough. That said, I would probably feel a bit more accommodating if I didn’t feel they were taking the piss. AIBU, and what do I do?

OP,

I have 4 teens/20's and this is not normal.

Your sons assumption that his friend can eat with you 4 times a week is not normal.

Your son is very disrespectful and presumptuous.

You need to start boundaries or you will be one of those parents on MN whose son has moved a girlfriend into his bedroom without so much as asking.

I have fed friends, but I invite them, or I text my child to invite.

This is a huge imposition in your home.

His anger is not on either.

Use this opportunity of returning to school to lay down firm new boundaries.

If you want to say one night a week and no more and if he has a tantrum, tell him none then.

He is 15.
He is presumptuous and disrespectful.

Deal with it or deal with way worse down the line.

My children have far too much respect for me and our home to do this, they also know I wouldn't dream of putting up with it.

I might add, none of my friends would either.

I understand why you are annoyed at the parents. However I imagine the GF is very grateful you are welcoming her into your home. Maybe have a word with your son and limit the days she has tea

Aw this is lovely what a nice way to see this. This is how my MIL makes me feel at 36... she shows me so much care and consideration, my OH has also taken this from his mum which has made me the mum I am today xx

when my dh came round when we were kids we had to eat down stairs and talk to my parents. we could go upstairs sometimes but the door was open and basically we weren't allowed to have sex. I didn't realise at the time but my parents wouldn't give us privacy for that.

Eh, I'm on your parents side with this one. I certainly wouldn't give my 15 year old privacy to have sex in my house either. What a cruel parent I must be!

@avamiah well obviously you are on a different income/budget level than a lot of people - not everyone can afford to just let kids pick takeaway food whenever they feel like it! Some people have to budget to the penny. This shouldn't be a shock to you.

4 times a week is a lot at 15 and not good he’s ignoring /not seeing his friends

msybe as summer hols seen more of each other and back to school they may see each other less

is it a money thing ? Obv feeding an extra mouth costs but can do cheap basic filling meals the nights she is there

does seem weird parent park up the street

msybe she just wants some peace and quiet and not be a mother to younger siblings ?

You can't really hold this against her parents. 15 year olds sort out their own arrangements. My DD hates hosting people and would rather go to her mates' house so they probably think we are awful, although I don't expect them to feed her. And we did take friend on holiday for a week. DD's boyfriend likes being here more, although he doesn't really eat meals at normal person meal times so, although I do offer food, he very rarely accepts. DD has recently started going to his more and told me they sorted their own meal from stuff in the freezer, although his mum offered to order them a takeaway. My point is, teenagers are a separate breed and seem to very much do their own thing. If you want DS to change stuff, you need to set the ground rules for them to work within.

I find it sad the number of people on this thread who have more or less said 'at 15 I fended for myself and my parents wouldn't question where I'd been or if I'd had dinner'.

So many shit parents.

I find it sad that so many people have drawn the conclusion that this 15 year old is underprivileged because she has a big family without knowing any other information about her.
Many 15 year olds are underprivileged regardless of the size of their family. Many are not. For all we know, her quiet demeanor is a behaviour to avoid conversation with the adults. She may be quite precocious and manipulative. The “but they’re only CHILDREN!” crowd forget that the adult in charge of providing meals and covering for it financially has had this situation thrust upon her whether she can afford the time or the inconvenience, and should be entitled to make up her own mind based on actual facts. If this young woman IS underprivileged, why is it the OP’s responsibility to automatically take on the burden herself? (Yes, she should help the young woman access help, but the people saying that they would love to adopt her are really stretching.)

That poor poor child.

Did you call social services?

Oh everyone has called everyone. Parents are utterly lovely, just inept. Super sad

I think you sound a bit mean to be honest. Just make cheap meals and welcome your sons friends/gf into your home without expecting any pay back

ok mother Teresa, you might be able to afford that but many others can't.

If you don’t want her at your house 4 nights a week then that’s your call but it’s really non of your business how much she’s at her friends house, particularly when you aren’t coming at this from a place of concern.

What a ridiculous post you feel the OP is mean for not wanting to feed another mouth 4 times a week or every weekend!

You say poor girl but you don't even know the circumstances just because she is part of a large family doesn't necessarily mean she's hard up.

What is mean is the parents not having the respect to thank them or even bother coming to the door.

Yes there should be a bit of give and take otherwise its called being taking advantage of.

How cold

So how much would the extra four meals cost? I think it would be about £4, if that. Driving her son to the GF house a couple of times a week would be more than that if it's a 20 minute plus a lot more hassle.

I agree.

How judgemental

@ThisIsNotTheNews yes, very. So what?The poster firmly stated she told the kid to leave knowing he hated being home and for good reason based on his current predicament. I couldn't have done it 🤷‍♀️

My son had a girlfriend for three years from 15 upwards. They new that they were welcome to stay at ours and they would cook their own food and sometimes for my other two,
I really didn’t mind and enjoyed their company. I never thought about the cost because they cooked typical student food which was mainly pasta ,veg,cheese .

Few alarm bells ringing for me too, seems she's got a lot of freedom for her age and her parents aren't really taking much to do with where she is or who she's with. On one hand I'd be wanting to limit it a bit so it doesn't become super intense for your son and he can still focus on friends/ hobbies/ schoolwork so maybe agreeing certain nights if the week or weekends that she can come round is a good balance? In a way I think it's nice that she's coming and sharing that time with you so you can get to know her as well I think I'd prefer that than my son rushing out all the time to hang out at someone else's house etc.

I know who does that? You’ve got to have a heart of stone

I think you’re talking out of your arse. You cannot know the situation. But hey ho, plenty of nonsense spotted in here.

@ThisIsNotTheNews I do know the situation. The kid hated being home, for good reason from the sound of it, and the poster kicked them out. The kid then wandered around going to any other kids houses he could rather than go home. I could not have allowed that to happen. I'm not talking out my arse I'm telling you how I would have dealt with the situation as described by the poster who clearly stated they simply didn't want the responsibility. But heh.. she can do her.. and you do you.