Ds’s girlfriend coming for tea all the time

[LostFrog]

Ds1 is 15. His gf is also 15, but only just. They have been seeing each other for a few months. Since July she has been coming round for tea probably 4 times a week, except for when we were on holiday. She is from a v large (7 siblings, 5 of them younger) family who live rurally, about a 20 min drive away. No public transport so relies on parent to give her lifts. When she is not with us she seems to be staying at her friend’s house - she went on holiday with them for a week, and to a music festival with them. Quite often she will sleep round there after she has been at ours. I know her mum vaguely, but she hasn’t once been in touch to say thank you or to return the invitation. One time I texted her and phoned her because my son was late home and I was worried and wondered if they were together - I didn’t get a reply. When they have picked her up from ours they haven’t come to the door, they have texted her and she has gone out to them. I told the gf the other day I would take her home instead, and when she messaged her mum to let her know, half an hour later the dad turned up (parked down the road) and off she went!

AIBU to think they are being cheeky in expecting us, and her friend’s family, to basically feed and care for her? There has been no acknowledgement and no return invitation.

They are back to school next week so I have said to ds no more during the week, but I don’t want that to be taken to mean that we will feed her every weekend either, since it seems unlikely to be reciprocated. I don’t want ds to feel gf is unwelcome, but nor do I really want to have another mouth to feed so regularly when times are so tough. That said, I would probably feel a bit more accommodating if I didn’t feel they were taking the piss. AIBU, and what do I do?

Christ the privilege on this thread is absolutely astounding.

for some context - I was this 16 year old, from an absolutely chaotic, physically abusive home and if I wasn’t with my bf I’d have been absolutely anywhere else to not be at home. Home was a place to sleep and that’s it.

it was me who allowed no friend/bf parents near my home, if any of them had tried to contact my parents I’d have been in more of a dangerous situation. They dropped me off and picked me up from places but could not have cared less who I was with or what I was doing.

oh and reference a PP - very working class background but guess what - managed to not get pregnant until I was 29 with my husband, how fucking judgemental can you get.

please don’t force yourself onto her parents - if she hasn’t facilitated this already there’s a reason for it.

We had this with one of my son’s friends. I had to be very straight with him that it was time to go home. I did feel sad for him that he so clearly hated being at home but ultimately I could not accept responsibility for him to the extent that was being expected. If he wasn’t with us he was with other kids. He has since been kicked out of school and now roams the streets, drinks, drugs etc.

I think yabu. Feeding her would be the kind and decent thing to do.
I think it's sad how many people don't look out for others.

YABU is the cost of another portion of food really that much? Presumably you aren’t buying her an extra steak every time.

Ultimately how often she comes over if up to you. You can't make her reciprocate.

It's ok to want to have guest-free days. YANBU OP

If the OP finds it too costly who are we to suggest it isn’t? Everyone’s budgets are different.

OP is feeding the girl, she just doesn’t want to do it every night.

I think it’s sad how judgmental people are.

I think in this situation you need to give DS a bit of slack, at 15 he could be doing all sorts without your knowledge. He’s comfortable at bringing his GF home which is a safe environment for them. She doesn’t sound as if she has a particularly nice home life as she wouldn’t be away from home so much.
We have an open door policy any friends are always welcome at any time of the day if needed. If cost is a worry maybe bulk it out with cheaper meals, bread, beans, eggs etc.
I know I’d feel easier knowing the GF has eaten rather than going hungry. I also think you need to accept her parents are not interested in meeting you etc don’t take this so personally probably have a lot going on with the other kids, work etc.
You need to be careful not to alienate your DS and push him away enjoy the moment they grow up so fast.

Money no object then
Please have some self awareness!

This was me, albeit at 17, horrific home life and controlling father. Please be kind to her. I'm still eternally grateful to the mother of my then boyfriend who probably saved me from ending my life.

What’s the most important thing for you OP?

• the extra cost of feeding her
• her parents
• the intensity of the relationship
• knowing where they are
• having a guest in the house too often

Keep adding to the list and then step back and figure out what’s most important to you, and it will be clear what to do.

As per pp I think she doesn't have a personal space at home. At 15 she probably doesn't understand she is imposing too much. The parents should though, but I suspect they are overlooking the situation knowing that their DD is safe. With so many children they are likely to be a bit more relaxed on who stays where for dinner . Gf probably feels really comfortable at yours which it is a credit to you.
It is a tough one bc you don't want to make her feel unwelcome but at the same time you need your own space. Speak to your son , be open and explain the situation. Maybe you could agree to have them if they cook the meal and clear the dishes so it gives you a break ( and they learn).

I agree. Probe DS about it (gently).

The issues are can you afford to feed someone so often, is the relationship too intense and is your DS still concentrating on his schoolwork?

I had a bit of an open house policy, our house was the closet to DS High school. I think it was partly because both DH and I had parents that did not like us having friends over. MIL was and is just piss poor at organisation so anything out of the norm was too much for her and my huge family, there were six kids really did not want an extra mouth to feed.

Good advice. 👍

I think I would want to adopt her! Sounds sad. Who knows what it going on at home.
Difficulty being when they break up I suppose, so maybe more boundaries would be better. I just hope someone is looking out for her.

I’m not too sure the cost of feeding her is the issue here if they’re giving her lifts. Fuel isn’t particularly cheap right now.

This is the good advice I agreed with. And the poster who advised OP to ask DS about it before making any decisions.

Surely no one would do this? If you are genuinely financially struggling with her being at yours food wise then decline her coming over but to charge the family for heating when she is with you…….that’s insane.

Honestly? I would pick your battles.

She's nice? She's good for him? He likes her? Let her come around.

Do you give him money a week? I would say to him, I'll be docking a £10 if she comes round for tea multiple times but otherwise fill your boots.

She's running from something at home, they may break up, they may not, but it's better for them to be safely under your roof than to be roaming the streets now winter is on its way.

Given they are 15 years I wouldn't expect the parents to contact you and invite your DS over. It's up to the GF to invite your DS and she obviously doesn't want to. The parents may have suggested it so you don't know that they are being cheeky. If they did reciprocate, then you would end up picking your DS from their house which would probably cost as much and would be a lot more hassle.

You leave out BOTTLES of water in a house full of taps and glasses?

no wonder our world is on fire.

I can understand that she doesn't want to but it's not really any more expensive/hassle than providing lifts to and from the GF house which is probably the alternative.

Decide how much she is allowed over. It's up to you. Buy your son condoms, you don't want an extra mouth to feed in 9 months.