Ds’s girlfriend coming for tea all the time

[LostFrog]

Ds1 is 15. His gf is also 15, but only just. They have been seeing each other for a few months. Since July she has been coming round for tea probably 4 times a week, except for when we were on holiday. She is from a v large (7 siblings, 5 of them younger) family who live rurally, about a 20 min drive away. No public transport so relies on parent to give her lifts. When she is not with us she seems to be staying at her friend’s house - she went on holiday with them for a week, and to a music festival with them. Quite often she will sleep round there after she has been at ours. I know her mum vaguely, but she hasn’t once been in touch to say thank you or to return the invitation. One time I texted her and phoned her because my son was late home and I was worried and wondered if they were together - I didn’t get a reply. When they have picked her up from ours they haven’t come to the door, they have texted her and she has gone out to them. I told the gf the other day I would take her home instead, and when she messaged her mum to let her know, half an hour later the dad turned up (parked down the road) and off she went!

AIBU to think they are being cheeky in expecting us, and her friend’s family, to basically feed and care for her? There has been no acknowledgement and no return invitation.

They are back to school next week so I have said to ds no more during the week, but I don’t want that to be taken to mean that we will feed her every weekend either, since it seems unlikely to be reciprocated. I don’t want ds to feel gf is unwelcome, but nor do I really want to have another mouth to feed so regularly when times are so tough. That said, I would probably feel a bit more accommodating if I didn’t feel they were taking the piss. AIBU, and what do I do?

for some context - I was this 16 year old, from an absolutely chaotic, physically abusive home and if I wasn’t with my bf I’d have been absolutely anywhere else to not be at home. Home was a place to sleep and that’s it

This is unfortunate, but it wasn't your bf's parent's fault (or the OP's in this case). She is entitled to not want to have visitors in the house every day (feeding them or not!)

As per pp I think she doesn't have a personal space at home. At 15 she probably doesn't understand she is imposing too much. The parents should though, but I suspect they are overlooking the situation knowing that their DD is safe. With so many children they are likely to be a bit more relaxed on who stays where for dinner . Gf probably feels really comfortable at yours which it is a credit to you.
I agree with this^ And I wouldn’t want my DS to go to their’s for the sake of reciprocation. Someone said that it’s on your DS what time she’s coming and leaving and how much she’s visiting and I absolutely agree with this. I would think in general about his week and when he can have friends over etc but make it a general rule for everyone, or even make exceptions for his GF e.g mates can come only at weekend but she’s allowed one evening during the week. And I would make it about study mostly, which is natural at this age.
The idea of them cooking is probably too much as she’s shy the idea of them washing is better but still a bit too much for some. I wouldn’t ask for this maybe very occasionally if you are naturally tired of busy and there is no other option.

if they're dropping her off at 5:30 it seems to me they are waiting until after dinner time.
dinner for us is about 4-6.
I can't see why they'd wait until after then if not to feed everyone.

also with a large family I bet she's not the youngest, I bet they all eat earlier, at about 4 because of the little ones and tidy up time. that's what it was like in our house. dinner serves 4-5 depending on cooking time and then thats the main job done so parents can finally relax.

I don't think she's being mean, I'd imagine she is being invited by your ds and you're OK with it. i wouldn't expect parents to form a relationship with you at this stage either. they may not even know its a boyfriends house and just a friedms

"Also, you are indirectly teaching his GF how to be a great mum. She doesn’t have that at her own home."

Sorry but how do you grasp from the information that her own mother isn't a great mum? Because they have lots of children and the gf likes going to her bfs the mother is clearly a shit mum? I preferred to go around to my boyfriends house than stay round mine, my boyfriend lived in a 6 bed detached house with his siblings already moved out, he simply had a bigger better house with more space. My parents were/are amazing they just didn't have a big house and weren't overbearing when I was growing up! I married that boyfriend my mil is still an overbearing nosey cow (living in a 6 bed house) she's always judged my family for being less well off, I can put money on that she said something similar to this comment!!

@FiveFiveletters
I totally agree. My house was always inviting, as at least I would know who they were with.

Sounds like the parents are using you as free childcare and free meal provider. They probably park down the road and don’t come to the door because they’re embarrassed and don’t want to speak to you in case they feel obliged to reciprocate or you mention something along those lines.

Perhaps in their minds you’ve ‘agreed’ to this by letting it go on so much? “You clearly don’t mind”, right? Except you do - and rightly so. You’ve done the right thing by setting some boundaries.

At 15 I assume your DS is expected to help with cooking / washing up etc., can you talk to him about her doing these things too if she's staying for meals (if she's not offering, but at 15 she might not realise it's polite - I know I didn't and I still feel bad about not being more helpful)? That way it takes some work off your plate at least and it's not much of a hassle for them to do it together.

Growing up my husband's family had a rota where each person was responsible for dinner on some days, he says it was key to him becoming a good cook so I'm definitely grateful to my MIL for coming up with it!

Of course it is more expensive, food isn’t free. Your privilege is showing.

I was always at my bf's house at 15. His mum used to text me "here for tea? X" - we're talking 2002 ish.

My home life wasn't very calm. And I found my boyfriends family taught me what real family life is like. Sitting around, watching TV together, chatting, joking, laughing. People rarely laughed at my house - there was lots of shouting though.

One of my fave memories was when I came down with the littlest sore throat at his house and his Dad literally ran to the kitchen and made me a hot lemon drink with honey. And his mum found me a blanket. I wasn't even that unwell, but it was the first time "parents" had ever cared that much.

Without my ex boyfriends parents including me for tea time (maybe 3 times a week?) - I wouldn't be the mum I am today.

I get that it's annoying but there must be reason she doesn't want to be home. I don't have a solution though!

YANBU I would be fed up of feeding her that often and her being round that often but I would also be glad they felt comfortable being at yours rather than roaming the streets etc.

As a lot of posters have said she may be from a chaotic household or they may struggle to make ends meet but it may not be the case whatsoever. When I was 16/17 I used to spend all my time between my friends house and my boyfriends house and I came from a fairly wealthy household but my parents were more strict than my boyfriends and wouldn’t have let him be round all the time/share a bed and wouldn’t of made him feel as welcome as his mum did with me so we used to go to his. Looking back now my boyfriends (at the time) mum must of been really fed up of me constantly being round eating her food etc because she was a single mum probably struggling herself but my parents had no idea I was round there a lot of the time, I’d tell them I was at my friends house or we were in town etc. My friends mum didn’t mind me being round there so often as they were well off and I think they enjoyed our company. My mum did used to always thank them for having me so often though and offer to buy food and always said to please tell her if it was too much.

I also lived far out from town like your sons girlfriend so me and my friends also never really wanted to go to mine as it was too out the way.

If it was me, I’d dig a little deeper to find out the reasons she’s round yours so often, it could be innocent. I’d limit it to however many times a week you can comfortably afford and so you get a bit of a break. I’d make her feel welcome so they don’t feel the need to go elsewhere which may worry you x

another things to consider is the possibility that your son would rather her be at your house than him be at hers.
I shared a room and have a very open family. when my dh came round when we were kids we had to eat down stairs and talk to my parents. we could go upstairs sometimes but the door was open and basically we weren't allowed to have sex. I didn't realise at the time but my parents wouldn't give us privacy for that.

we could eat upstairs at his, have the door shut and nobody came in and bothered us. so obviously he wanted to be at his more. also he was 2 years older than me and paying his mum rent so he had more privileges.

when we first started going round I used to say no thank you to dinner (both low income buy them more so than us so I didn't want to be a burden and my parents told me so anyway) and then it turned out this offended his mum so i started saying yes but then this was too much and she was moaning about feeding me. when the whole time I'd rather be at home but dh didn't want to come to mine!

this thread is really upsetting me. they are both children and if anything it's on your son for inviting her round!

I agree with this the most. No way should a 15 year old be having such an intense relationship. Doe your DS not have friends or hobbies?

At 15 my friends and I made our own arrangements - parents didn't necessarily know whose house I was at or what plans I had. Some of my friends invited people over constantly, for example if they lived in a central location, and some didn't. And if these parents have 7 kids they're probably too busy to manage the older ones' schedule.

Talk to DS if she's not allowed over for dinner so much.

Erm.....?

This, this, 1000 this. They are children.

Agog at the poster who in the same breath describes herself and her then-boyfriend as 'kids' and complains that her parents wouldn't let the close the bedroom door and have sex . . .

You shouldn't have to feed her four nights a week, and her mother should have the courtesy to reply to your texts.

Mental.

A teenage pregnancy could blight both their lives.

Thank you everyone. It’s helpful to listen to those who have been on the other end of this. I do get that it’s not like play dates that parents organise but if any of my kids were not at home for main meal times more often than not, I would want to know who was feeding them and I would feel obliged to at least offer to return the favour. I also still can’t believe that they aren’t aware - she has a part time job and on occasion they must have literally picked her up from work at 5 and brought her into town. Do they think she doesn’t eat at all?! I absolutely do not want to make anyone feel unwelcome though.

I think that’s worth a try about getting ds involved in the cooking. He does wash up, dry etc but I haven’t asked him to when she has been round. I might start doing that and maybe get him to pick up the shopping as well. We are noticing the cost though, how could anyone not? Completely baffled by those saying get a takeaway pizza etc - that would be over half our weekly budget right there!

@HikingforScenery I can’t work out whether he has ditched his friends or the other way round - he says they don’t have anything in common any more. I have encouraged him to meet up with people over the summer and he says he has tried but everyone was busy. He has been out with friends maybe twice all summer. I wish it wasn’t that way, but there’s not much I can do about it - he’s 15!

You could say that she can only come over one weeknight and one weekend night each week as he should be focusing a bit more on schoolwork and not neglecting any hobbies/sports/friendship groups.

I'm now reaching the end of having teenage dcs and I would say however frustrated you feel this really is a good problem to have as a parent. Things could be a lot worse! Your ds is at home a lot and happy to sit at the table with you and his gf. He's at an age when it's normal to want to push dps away yet he's still leaning on you. (Getting stroppy I'm sure but that's par for the course.) He's not hanging out elsewhere afraid to come home.

I suggest just being consistently there for him (and gf). If your home is a safe haven for him and his friends take it. You will still have some influence and things do come back round again.

But yes, in my experience teenage years aren't easy.

Reminiscent of another thread on here
today I can’t figure out whether her family is UC, large, rambling, bohemian or very Non-U and only the opposite end of the class spectrum. If the latter, you’ll want to ensure DS is using protection.

So if the GF's family is UC no need to ensure he's using protection then? Why is that? Because you think teenagers from rich families don't have sex, or because a teenage pregnancy is only a disaster if ones DS lowers himself to breed with a peasant?

They may have suggested to her that she invites your DS over though. The parents aren't going to speak to you directly. If the GF and/your DS don't want to do that you're not going to hear about it.

There's not much a parent can do to prevent their 15 year old having an “intense” relationship.

I suppose them being at yours all the time means you could spot something like control more easily.

I just remembered a post a while ago, where someone’s 16 year old DC had stopped seeing all friends due to a controlling bf/gf.

Hopefully, being back at school will help him resume his friendships and hobbies and get a healthy balance.

I don’t have any answers, OP, just trying to be helpful.

I know I’d hate having another child in my home so often because it would affect the dynamics of the home for my other DC too.

At least not much isn’t ‘nothing’ …