Dh went to raise hand to 4 year old

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Dd, 4 has been V v challenging lately, biting us, hitting and kicking us and the dog etc, screaming and shouting…it’s been horrendous, she wasn’t like this until the last few months.
Today she was spinning her toy camera around fast, I told her to stop or she’d hot someone or hit herself. It ended up whacking her in the head. She started screaming and crying hysterically, I was trying to console her but she’d scream at me or hit me. We were both calm, trying to get her to calm down, she was shouting at us and hitting me. I went to move away and she got me really hard, Dh lost it and stood up as if to hit her-arms in the motion, hr didn’t hit her but was really cross, Dd cried more and I carried her upstairs out of the situation.
Feeling so upset by it all, Dh also really upset and saying to me he didn’t mean to do it, he also cried.
Dh loves Dd to pieces, he’s a good person, we both do and are both naturally calm people. I feel so ashamed of us and don’t know how to handle her anymore.

*Hit me really hard

But he didn’t touch her. It’s ok to lose your rag every now and again. You are both usually calm which is great but nobody is perfect.

He stopped himself. He feels terrible.

You’ll have a bad parenting moment too, and I’m sure you would prefer if her supports you, rather than judges you.

Let this go.

Don’t overthink please. He stopped himself and it was an instinctive reaction clearly that he managed to get in check.

Speak to nursery/school is my advice and see what they think… if it’s very bad then I would go for the GP and ask for a referral.

Very upsetting but he didn’t and feels awful.
in future I would restrain her before it gets to the point where’s she’s hitting and hurting herself. It’s ok to take things away or hold her physically if she’s out of control.

There are plenty of threads on here from people who has been in similar situations and followed through.

He nearly lost control and feels awful - so put that to oneside

And focus on trying to figure out ways of managing it - when can she be left to sort it out

Just to say I know exactly how you feel. My 3 year old has similar behaviour problems...I keep thinking about ASD but maybe I've just been too soft. He hits, refuses to eat at the table, takes ages to get dressed, doesn't listen, throws stuff when he's frustrated.

My DH mutters "fuck sake" in frustration when he walks away and my DS repeated it last week and honestly felt like we were doing such an awful job. Like we are ruining him.

Its so hard when it feels like DC isn't on side. Sometimes I feel like DS makes every little thing so hard. I'm meant to take him to a birthday party at the weekend and already dreading it.

So no solutions but plz don't feel bad. You love her. You're calm. And honestly it takes the patience of a Saint to not lose your cool occasionally. Sometimes I hear myself literally beg my son to stop and I want to give myself a slap!

Not the point of the post, but if your daughter is attacking the dog and you can't control her, you need to re-home the dog before something tragic happens.

Kids can push your every last button. He stopped himself.

He stopped himself and he feels awful. I think that shows he understands how wrong it would have been to hit her, and also that he’s not going to turn into someone who hits his child.

If he’d gone ahead and done it, and then tried to defend or justify himself, then you’d have a problem.

Well he restrained himself so I’d not think twice about that! But why is she biting you at four?? I’d be losing my shit too if I was being hit and bit by a four year old!

He didn't hit her; he was probably instinctively trying to defend you. You don't have to worry about DH in my opinion. DD lashing out like that is another issue though; you should get her assessed. Kicking and biting at 4 years old is not acceptable, particularly attacking the dog. What if you had a younger child?

Agree. Sorry, OP but maybe you need some proper help with her behaviour. I mean that in a kind way not a judgey way.

Wise words, @MolliciousIntent
If the dog bites in self-defence, the dog will pay the ultimate price for DD's attack. Or keep the dog, and er, 👋🏻

kicking us and the dog

Please please separate them, before the dog snaps. Rehome the dog if you can't, it's not fair on it, and could end disastrously.

As others have said he stopped himself. It sounds like dd is going through a very difficult ult time, is it new behaviour?
Please keep the dog and her apart for both of their safety.

Yes sorry, your poor dog needs to be protected here.

The issue here isn’t your DP

Erm your 4yo behaviour sounds worse than your dh. That's not normal behaviour. I'm with pp, separate the dog or rehome it.
Perhaps involve someone to help you with your dd behaviour as well as it sounds like you haven't come up with any working plans of action.

She doesn’t attack the dog, she adores it, we all do. She seems to be angry these days, it’s a very recent thing, wasn’t like this before. If she gets angry, she goes to kick her, obviously I stop her and separate them. It’s when she loses her temper, she wasn’t like this, I’ve no idea what to do. She’s been ill with tummy problems which she’s under the hospital to investigate as she gets bad tummy ache, I put it down to this but I honestly don’t know, it’s awful. We’ve gone from a calm, happy home, to one with shouting and screaming

@foofington We're trying our very best whilst trying to sort her physician pains, it’s very recent, no idea who to even go to

OP sounds like you’re all having a tough time. My friend went through similar and found a parenting course at the local children’s Centre really helped them with challenging behaviour (sounds like a dire thing to go to but she’s a lovely healthcare professional and rated it highly)

Also have a look at RIE parenting and Janet Lansbury’s blog

If this is sudden new behaviour and associated with a physical illness then please have a look at PANS / PANDAS - I’m not any sort of expert but it seems to be a post viral response which triggers extreme behaviours.

@Potatomashed I can’t believe I have to go to a parenting course..we’ve never had major problems, she’s a bright, happy girl…well, was. I’m an Early years teacher & specialist myself, have no idea what we’re doing wrong 😔