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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh went to raise hand to 4 year old

107 replies

Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 19:45

Dd, 4 has been V v challenging lately, biting us, hitting and kicking us and the dog etc, screaming and shouting…it’s been horrendous, she wasn’t like this until the last few months.
Today she was spinning her toy camera around fast, I told her to stop or she’d hot someone or hit herself. It ended up whacking her in the head. She started screaming and crying hysterically, I was trying to console her but she’d scream at me or hit me. We were both calm, trying to get her to calm down, she was shouting at us and hitting me. I went to move away and she got me really hard, Dh lost it and stood up as if to hit her-arms in the motion, hr didn’t hit her but was really cross, Dd cried more and I carried her upstairs out of the situation.
Feeling so upset by it all, Dh also really upset and saying to me he didn’t mean to do it, he also cried.
Dh loves Dd to pieces, he’s a good person, we both do and are both naturally calm people. I feel so ashamed of us and don’t know how to handle her anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 23:46

@Tomorrowisalatterday Thank you, maybe we do need to do that, everything used to be fine, now it’s not. Do you know who we can go to in the North west? Never done anything like this before,
I didn’t mis type, but am also not back tracking/changing my *Story as a previous poster said.
She gets angry and tries to kick out at her sometimes, but we obviously don’t allow it and they are separated. I understand your concern but it isn’t a situation that worrying, she hasn’t hurt her and they have an otherwise very loving relationship. If I thought otherwise, I would definitely be taking action, we’ve had her for 9 years and she’s a wonderful dog,
I just feel so upset she’s being like this

OP posts:
Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 23:47

@Wolfiefan For that day

OP posts:
tiggergoesbounce · 01/09/2022 23:48

It could also just be a coincident and she has hit 4 years old, which can be tough anyway and she just needs to be guided through it with consistent consequences and boundaries.

I hope you get the advice and help you all need.

kirinm · 01/09/2022 23:48

Norriscolesbag · 01/09/2022 19:51

Don’t overthink please. He stopped himself and it was an instinctive reaction clearly that he managed to get in check.

Speak to nursery/school is my advice and see what they think… if it’s very bad then I would go for the GP and ask for a referral.

A referral to what? 4 year olds are hard work.

Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 23:51

@Tigofigo Thank you, we’ve done similar to as you say, when she’s calm she’s sorry and understands completely. She’s v upset during her meltdowns and alternates between the hitting and crying/cuddling 😢it’s so awful. I’ve also talked to her about thinking of colours and her feelings etc. She’s also better when we breathe deeply etc. It’s hard as my Dh just automatically gets angry and outraged at her behaviour, she’s also become so impatient. I just want my girl back

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 01/09/2022 23:51

He didn't hit her though? No need to beat yourselves up but I'd talk to your GP as this does need investigating ASAP.

And possibly get the dog re-homed, it sounds like you have quite enough on your plate. It's not fair on the dog but also any dog will bite it feels threatened enough so it isn't safe for your daughter either.

kirinm · 01/09/2022 23:52

Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 22:13

She doesn’t attack the dog, she adores it, we all do. She seems to be angry these days, it’s a very recent thing, wasn’t like this before. If she gets angry, she goes to kick her, obviously I stop her and separate them. It’s when she loses her temper, she wasn’t like this, I’ve no idea what to do. She’s been ill with tummy problems which she’s under the hospital to investigate as she gets bad tummy ache, I put it down to this but I honestly don’t know, it’s awful. We’ve gone from a calm, happy home, to one with shouting and screaming

OP I have a 4 year old - turned 4 a couple of days ago and I know quite a few others with kids the same age who are all experiencing major meltdowns. My DD isn't quite as angry but she has lost it a few times over nothing much at all and she's been like a different child.

Is she off to school soon?

Tigofigo · 01/09/2022 23:52

Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 23:36

@tiggergoesbounce She’s not allowed fo play with her neighbour friend, watch tv, have an ice lolly etc, she gets very hysterical about this but we stick to it obviously and it helps a little. It just seems in the moment, she can’t calm down at all

Why these things? I wonder if it would help to choose logical consequences instead? I thought that would be best practice in early years if I'm honest.

These feel like random punishments that don't make sense or have any relation to what she is doing (unless she's biting her friend / hit you with the ice lollies / smashed the TV).

Mostly though, I'm reading about a child who is really really struggling and needs love and support and help to stop her hitting, not more punishments.

Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 23:54

@Tigofigo Shes been tested for coeliac-all clear

OP posts:
Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 23:55

@tiggergoesbounce Thank you 🙏

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 01/09/2022 23:58

You need a clear and consistent approach you agree with DH. Not excuses about possible physical issues and breathing deeply/getting angry or random bans like she can’t watch any TV.

Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 23:58

@Tigofigo She has so much love and affection, but nothing is working, nothing. They’re not random, she was biting and hitting when she had to leave her friends house, so can’t go again this week. She has a lolly a day but doesn’t if she hits, kicks etc
What else can we do, patience, love and understanding isn’t working. One minute people think I’m too soft, the next not loving her enough,

OP posts:
Tigofigo · 01/09/2022 23:58

Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 23:51

@Tigofigo Thank you, we’ve done similar to as you say, when she’s calm she’s sorry and understands completely. She’s v upset during her meltdowns and alternates between the hitting and crying/cuddling 😢it’s so awful. I’ve also talked to her about thinking of colours and her feelings etc. She’s also better when we breathe deeply etc. It’s hard as my Dh just automatically gets angry and outraged at her behaviour, she’s also become so impatient. I just want my girl back

I do empathise, it sounds a lot like my DC - except he's older, and has displayed this behaviour from age 1. We have not found any cause (yet), he's a highly emotional, explosive child, but while the meltdowns and violence are still every day they're generally getting shorter, his tolerance is growing and he has more self control.

If your DH can work on his own regulation it will help your family, him most of all.

Wolfiefan · 02/09/2022 00:00

there is no link between a lolly and hitting. Sounds like a parenting course with DH would be a good thing.

Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 02/09/2022 00:00

@kirinm I was hoping it was this as it was definitely worse around a week after her birthday onwards…a month or so ago now
She starts school in September, which I’m dreading tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 02/09/2022 00:01

@Wolfiefan Ok. What do you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 02/09/2022 00:02

@Wolfiefan They're not excuses and not *Possible health issues though? She’s being treated by the hospital and reacts badly when her stomach hurts…this is very clear.

OP posts:
kirinm · 02/09/2022 00:04

Alljustfeelsabitsad · 02/09/2022 00:00

@kirinm I was hoping it was this as it was definitely worse around a week after her birthday onwards…a month or so ago now
She starts school in September, which I’m dreading tbh

Purely anecdotal but I think the changes coming up for them at this age are having an impact. Given how many people I know experiencing these mad tantrums with kids all about to move to school I can't believe it is just coincidence.

Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 02/09/2022 00:04

@Tigofigo What logical consequences would you give?

How old is your son now? How did you calm him down?

OP posts:
Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 02/09/2022 00:07

@kirinm I've looked up also if there is a development leap around this age, but can’t find much info. I’ve also wondered if it could be something like this, coupled with the tummy pain, it’s making her behaviour so challenging.
Then I’m torn between understanding and feeling awful for her but also obviously not being able to let her carry out this behaviour, it’s so hard

OP posts:
Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 02/09/2022 00:10

She keeps on saying she wants to hide too, sort of squashing behind me or going under the table. I ask if her tummy hurts (can explain the pulling herself, scrunched up) sometimes she says yes, sometimes no. When she does this she says she’s scared and then turns it into a joke and says she’s scared of the washing machine or an aeroplane etc. I just wish the hospital could help us sort this out

OP posts:
Rainraindontgoaway · 02/09/2022 00:16

Your post says she is hitting and kicking the dog, you do know that is also known as attacking? Disgusting behaviour and the fact that you are back tracking makes me think that you have lost control. Your poor dog, at least you and your husband can do something about it, your poor dog can’t. Definitely think you need parenting classes.

HailAdrian · 02/09/2022 00:20

Sge995 · 01/09/2022 22:31

If someone raised their hand to my son. Family member or not. I’d be In jail.

Sure you would.

HailAdrian · 02/09/2022 00:21

Coping with a violent child is really hard work and fyi parenting courses can be really helpful, if only to chat to other parents in the same boat.

Greenwichresident · 02/09/2022 00:38

@Alljustfeelsabitsad ah I totally empathise, and just wanted to offer a virtual handhold- it sounds really tough. But it sounds like you're doing all the right things. I would also definitely speak to a GP to rule out PANDAS. My DS (age 3) struggles to manage his emotions, and I remember my nephew being pretty similar to your DD. Biting, hitting etc. School was a complete game changer for him- he'd been to nursery, but I think the structure of the school day alongside watching his peers more closely helped him to learn to manage feelings and emotions. He made a complete 180.

Also just want to say how well you've handled some of the comments on here. I think you've had a pretty hard time on this thread- a couple of the comments have been really judgemental and clearly haven't read your responses properly. And I say that as someone with a much loved dog.

Good luck! :-)