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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh went to raise hand to 4 year old

107 replies

Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 19:45

Dd, 4 has been V v challenging lately, biting us, hitting and kicking us and the dog etc, screaming and shouting…it’s been horrendous, she wasn’t like this until the last few months.
Today she was spinning her toy camera around fast, I told her to stop or she’d hot someone or hit herself. It ended up whacking her in the head. She started screaming and crying hysterically, I was trying to console her but she’d scream at me or hit me. We were both calm, trying to get her to calm down, she was shouting at us and hitting me. I went to move away and she got me really hard, Dh lost it and stood up as if to hit her-arms in the motion, hr didn’t hit her but was really cross, Dd cried more and I carried her upstairs out of the situation.
Feeling so upset by it all, Dh also really upset and saying to me he didn’t mean to do it, he also cried.
Dh loves Dd to pieces, he’s a good person, we both do and are both naturally calm people. I feel so ashamed of us and don’t know how to handle her anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 23:04

@HappyChloé2 Go away please

OP posts:
tiggergoesbounce · 01/09/2022 23:14

Im sure you have already tried this but maybe talking to her, when she is happy and calm about how her tummy ache makes her feel, see if anger comes into it.

Then if she mentions anger try to work on something she can do instead of lashing out, as after all, this is all about teaching her how to manage her emotions. Maybe when shes in pain she comes to you for cuddles, or she gets on the sofa with her teddy or she throws water balloons (not very good ideas of hand sorry) or let her choose something to start with maybe that she can do to help her not lash out.

Over time She will then learn to notice that feeling of anger bubbling and how she wants to display it healthily.

I know its probably not the same but our DS had a stammer, it got him so frustrated as we talked about it but not to him, we thought him too young, he was 3, but once we sat and talked to him about it, asked him how it made him feel, what he was scared of and how we could manage it together, he was less frustrated.

junebirthdaygirl · 01/09/2022 23:14

Just to say there is no shame in going to a parenting course. I am a teacher with lots of experience of all age children and did a parenting course when my dc were young. It's a great place to get support and listen to other parents and pick up tips. In my opinion all parents at a course are good parents who want to do better.
Check one out.

Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 23:16

@tiggergoesbounce Thanks so much, yes we’ve talked lots, she often says when she has a tummy ache and will come for cuddles, alternatively, she’ll jump around/be hyper or it will change to destructive behaviour. I’m convinced once we get the health issue sorted out, it will be better…it’s so hard

OP posts:
HappyChloé2 · 01/09/2022 23:18

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This post has been deleted as it breaks our Talk guidelines.

Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 23:18

@junebirthdaygirl There's more to it though with her physical health issues, so the methods likely would not apply. There definitely is no shame in it at all though.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 01/09/2022 23:20

Many children have health issues. It doesn’t mean we don’t need to give them strategies to cope with their anger or frustration or whatever. Her behaviour isn’t acceptable. You need to work to change this. Not pin it on the physical issues.

Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 23:20

@HappyChloé2 Reported. Just ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 23:21

@Wolfiefan Yes agree, we’re trying to work hard on her behaviour at present, it’s a new thing so has been tricky. Her pain does play a role in her behaviour though and that’s a factor

OP posts:
HappyChloé2 · 01/09/2022 23:22

Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 23:20

@HappyChloé2 Reported. Just ridiculous.

🙄

Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 23:23

@TheodoreMortlock Do you know anyone who specialises in this? We’re in the North west

OP posts:
PanPans · 01/09/2022 23:24

This reply has been deleted

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tiggergoesbounce · 01/09/2022 23:24

While i do understand its difficult when a child is going through medical things, i really do, you cant allow that as a get out clause for bad behaviour.

You need to put some things in place to attempt to stop these outbursts. You are doing her no favours if when her tummy aches are solved, she has really bad learnt behaviours and a disrespect for you and her DH.

Wolfiefan · 01/09/2022 23:27

I had a toddler on high dose steroids for a kidney condition. His behaviour nose dived. It didn’t matter how much the steroids etc were the cause. What mattered were the boundaries and consequences we set out.

Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 23:29

I really worried it’s something extra possibly..Adhd, Asd, she’s been getting so angry and unable to control herself, she then cries and wants cuddles

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 01/09/2022 23:30

Don’t look for excuses. Just strategies.

Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 23:30

@PanPans Nice. Thank you.

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Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 23:33

@Wolfiefan But would her having adhd or ASD be excuses…that seems odd to me. We’re doing everything we can, afterwards she’s sad and when we talk about it, she says she doesn’t mean to and can’t help it. Nothing we do seems to be helping, we’re trying to keep calm, but it’s so hard. What strategies would you use? I feel we’re exhausting them again and again

OP posts:
tiggergoesbounce · 01/09/2022 23:33

What makes you think ASD now when she has not had any signs beforehand?

Do you have consequences in place now for bad behaviour?

Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 23:34

@tiggergoesbounce She has shown some things in the past and has been wilful at times, but since her stomach issues, it’s completely blown up

OP posts:
Original poster
Alljustfeelsabitsad · 01/09/2022 23:36

@tiggergoesbounce She’s not allowed fo play with her neighbour friend, watch tv, have an ice lolly etc, she gets very hysterical about this but we stick to it obviously and it helps a little. It just seems in the moment, she can’t calm down at all

OP posts:
Tomorrowisalatterday · 01/09/2022 23:36

I think you should talk to your health visitor or children's centre about it - it really sounds like you need professional support.

Also - I really do mean this kindly - I am worried about your DD and the dog. I don't know if you mistyped in your OP or not but either way you have an unpredictable child who is sometimes violent and a dog, it's a difficult situation that might result in real harm to your daughter. I am not trying to troll you or score points but it is concerning. I think you should consider having the dog fostered for a while.

Wolfiefan · 01/09/2022 23:38

She can’t have a lolly or play with a friend or watch any TV? At all?

RobertaFirmino · 01/09/2022 23:43

If you just want attention then why not just go to the arndale centre and take your trousers off?

@HappyChloé2 I read that as if Evelyn from Coronation Street was saying it to someone in the Rovers 😁

Tigofigo · 01/09/2022 23:43

I came on to say consider PANDAS also. It can be treated, but it's not that straightforward.

Impaction and illness can also cause mood changes too however.

Have they done a scope for coeliac?

I would definitely forgive your DH. In terms of managing behaviour I have 3 suggestions:

  1. Work on your own regulation first. I.e. you and DH staying truly calm, inside and out, when your DD is crying / wanting to hit etc. You say you were both calm but the fact your DH shortly after felt so enraged he raised his hand tells another story. Perhaps only calm on the surface? Being screamed at and lashed out at can feel very triggering. This has been a game changer for us, and has stopped hitting, along with...
  1. Don't try to "fix" her emotions or tell her to calm down. You doing no.1 and staying calm in her presence is the best way to do this. You don't need to do or say much (of course you need to keep her and yourself safe and not hit). Allow her to express her emotions, albeit not with hitting. Which brings me to...
  1. When she's NOT dysregulated and is calm, practise and model ways of handling big emotions. What could she hit instead of you - a pillow? Instead of calling names, how can she say how she feels? Also practise breathing or self regulating techniques daily when calm and it will be easier for her to do them when she is not calm.

I hope you get some answers on the medical side soon. Both my DC have quite complex medical "mysteries" and it's tough not knowing what's going on and why. Sometimes we won't have the answers and we just have to accept that.