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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not say hello to mum's friend when she visits

140 replies

pieami · 01/09/2022 14:55

I'm an adult currently living with my mum in order to save and buy a house. My mum's friend is currently downstairs and I've told my mum (respectfully) I won't say hi. I'm working from home and honestly could spare the time.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Laiste · 01/09/2022 18:40

Why would all the adults in a house be expected to always come and speak to people visiting one of the rest of them?

There are 6 adults (and a child) living in our house. All of us have visitors sometimes. None of us are expected to seek out the other's visitors to talk to.

I wouldn't want my elderly mum ''popping her head'' into our living room every time i had one of my mates in for a coffee.
Same goes for my adult DCs. I don't go looking for their friends to say hi to and i don't need them to stop what they're doing to come and see mine.
Same goes when inlaws are around.
And i don't get involved in my mother's coffee mornings with her oldies. If we pass in the hall or kitchen i'll say hello obvs. But it's rare.

You're an adult OP, so is your mother and her visitors. The days of ''you must come and say hello to Auntie x y z or Flora from next door'' are over once you're past 16/17 in our house.

GrasssInPocket · 01/09/2022 18:44

I'm a bit confused - did you mean to say you could spare the time, or you couldn't? 🤷

Superbabe64 · 01/09/2022 18:48

You sound a tad immature 🙄

MaryHoldTheCandleSteadyWhileIShaveTheChickensLeg · 01/09/2022 18:48

GrasssInPocket · 01/09/2022 18:44

I'm a bit confused - did you mean to say you could spare the time, or you couldn't? 🤷

I think she meant couldn't but it's irrelevant anyway as she could spare the time to chat on Mumsnet.

LimpBiskit · 01/09/2022 18:49

What an utterly banal question.

Calphurnia88 · 01/09/2022 18:50

Hurrrrah · 01/09/2022 16:33

It sounds like the sort of thing that would happen when you are a teen "come down and say hi to Sandra, she's not seen you in ages". As an adult I wouldn't, not unless you consider them a personal friend too.

This.

Tiani4 · 01/09/2022 18:52

My DCs don't come down to say hi to my visiting friends unless they are visiting to see us all or I call them down. Two of them are adults now. They're not interested in interrupting friends and don't like it if I appear when their friends pop round unless I'm going to kitchen anyway (which I often am Grin)

Really you weee working so that's your excuse, you "were working"

Also you're allowed to stay in your pjs in your bedroom and not want to have visitors , friend was visiting your mum not you

CambsAlways · 01/09/2022 18:54

Very rude 5 secs to say Hi, I think it’s also bit unkind towards your mum.

Laiste · 01/09/2022 19:00

I'm really surprised at the number of posters who think it's rude.

Once your kids are adults it's subtly a different kettle of fish to when they were young and knocking round the house. Adults should be afforded complete agency over their own time in their own home.

Bellaboo01 · 01/09/2022 19:04

I understand what you are saying but, i'm old school and any 'guest' in my house - i expect whoever lives in my house (husband/children) to come out of the room they are in to come and just say hi.
I find it very odd and rude if i'm in someones house and i end up staying later/chatting and one of their kids appears.
I'm not sure why, i think it was just what was expected of me.
If i have someone pop in or come round i would expect everyone that was living in the house to just say hi.

clpsmum · 01/09/2022 19:04

pieami · 01/09/2022 14:58

It's not an issue about having time. I also have no problem with the person

So you're just choosing to be rude then

Bellaboo01 · 01/09/2022 19:09

Laiste · 01/09/2022 19:00

I'm really surprised at the number of posters who think it's rude.

Once your kids are adults it's subtly a different kettle of fish to when they were young and knocking round the house. Adults should be afforded complete agency over their own time in their own home.

Why should adults be afforded this and not children then?

Bellaboo01 · 01/09/2022 19:14

Also - if you are an adult and living with your parents and they asked this of you, to just come down and say hi, maybe you should respect their wishes in their house?
It probably embarrassed your Mum to have to make excuses for you/her!

TabithaTittlemouse · 01/09/2022 19:15

I think it’s very rude of you. Not just to the friend but also to your mum. You are behaving like a spoiled teenager (although mine have much better manners).

Your mum is letting you live with her while you save and you don’t even have the courtesy to say hello to her guest when asked.

tillytown · 01/09/2022 19:17

Why would you go and say hi to someone who is there to talk to their friend, not their friends child?
If the conversation is so dead that they need someone else to liven things up then maybe it's time for the guest to leave

BellatrixBlackLives · 01/09/2022 19:18

I can see where you're coming from. I would do the same to be honest.

Zonder · 01/09/2022 19:19

You are behaving like a spoiled teenager (although mine have much better manners).

Do you make your teens come down and say hello if your friend comes for a coffee? I don't. If they appear in the vicinity I expect them to say hello and be polite but I don't expect them to come down especially. It's my friend not theirs.

Likewise if they had a friend round and I was upstairs or somewhere I wouldn't make a point of coming to say hello but I would make conversation if I came down while they were still there.

Frankly I want time with my friend on my own!

AuntMargo · 01/09/2022 19:19

You're completely rude !

CoolerThanIceCream · 01/09/2022 19:23

The quality of thread on here has really gone down hill.

Riapia · 01/09/2022 19:24

If your DM’s friend knows you well she won’t be at all surprised at your lack of manners.

MimosaSunrise · 01/09/2022 19:30

I wouldn’t find it at all rude if I were visiting a friend and a family member didn’t say hello because they were working (yes, even if working involved breaks) - seems a bit disrespectful of her work to expect op to make herself available for family socialising during hours she’s formally on duty. As others have said, she’s not a child knocking around, but an adult in their own home office environment during working hours.

knackeredagain · 01/09/2022 19:33

Me and my friends are all open door policy so if you come in my house, don’t be surprised to find any kind of mess, people in their PJs, breakfast dishes in the sink…. but you’ll always be offered a brew within 5 minutes of crossing the threshold.

No-one would expect you to abandon a meeting, but if you were knocking around you’d say hi and wouldn’t hide. Likewise, the visitor might ask ‘is knackered in?’ and be told ‘yes, she’s working’ and the visitor would say they’ll catch you next time.

I suppose it depends on context. Friend was passing and popped in - take us as you find us. Pre-planned visit with long lost aunt - get dressed and go and say hi.

Stangerthings · 01/09/2022 19:38

"The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention." - Oscar Wilde.

Oddbobbyboo · 01/09/2022 19:39

Rude….

katepilar · 01/09/2022 19:41

I understand that you dont feel like going downstairs to see her and I think you shouldnt feel like you have to. She came to see your mum and is her friend. Breaks like this from work seriously effect my concentration and work ethic so would want to avoid them. Even more so if I wasnt dressed etc to meet people.