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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Close friend uninvited me from 30th because of my ex

321 replies

AlenaMacc · 01/09/2022 05:56

It’s a long story so please bear with me.

One of my closest friends is celebrating her 30th birthday this Saturday and has invited me to the party (I live abroad so it was amazing luck that I happened to be here for it). I told her I’ll come at 7pm after I BF my 10-month old before his bedtime, after which I’ll leave him with my parents and join the celebration.

However, yesterday she rang me and told me that she completely forgot about it, but before knowing I was going to be here for her celebration, she invited my ex boyfriend. She asked me if I had any issues with this, and I told her I have none whatsoever - the whole thing seems like a lifetime ago to me and I have long since moved on with my life. She told me that she’ll ask my ex as well as she doesn’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable.

She then called me back and said that he apparently has an issue with me being there and asked me to come earlier and leave before he arrives. However this is not an option for me as the birthday location is out of town, and this coincides with my baby’s dinner/bath/BF/bedtime routine. She’s not close to my ex at all whilst me and her are very very close so I expected her to say “okay then, just come as we discussed originally and your ex can grow up and sort himself out” or something of the sort.

However, she then told me “that’s okay, we can meet on Monday instead”. I then told her that I really want to be there and that it’s really shitty that we have to allow his behaviour and let it get in the way of us celebrating together. She essentially told me that she feels really bad that she invited him and had she known that he’ll be like that, she wouldn’t have and that some people don’t grow up. I made it a point that I really want to be there and his behaviour is infuriating but she ended the conversation by saying “don’t be angry, I really wanted you to be here as well but what can you do”.

A bit of backstory - me and my ex dated in high school for 2.5years (this was 10 years ago). The breakup was very messy and he took it very badly. Fast forward to 10yrs later, I have long forgotten about this, have dated many men since, gotten married, had children etc. He however apparently has only just started dating somebody, his first gf since our break up.

My friend isn’t at all close with my ex - her fiancé used to be in the same friend circle with my ex in high school, but haven’t kept in touch since. Recently they went out once with him and his new GF and my friend decided to invite them to her birthday on the spur of the moment. However, my friend is one of my closest ones, she was my bridesmaid, we are in a very close friend circle, we’ve been through a lot together, etc.

I can’t stop thinking about this since it happened yesterday - I feel betrayed, I feel like she chose my ex instead of me, I can’t believe that she essentially uninvited me from her 30th because of someone whom she only saw once recently. I felt very hurt yesterday and came to the conclusion that her friendship with me is not a priority to her anymore and that I should accept it and move on. My other friends think that I should give her a chance and speak to her about it, however I don’t want to ruin her 30th and I also don’t know if there’s anything that she can say that will fix this for me. At the same time I am wondering if I am just overreacting. AIBU?

OP posts:

billy1966 · 01/09/2022 09:42

Actions not words are what count a lot of the time.

You clearly are not an important person to this woman so I would leave her to her party and definitely stop going out of your way to meet up.

Time to move on.

Rosehugger · 01/09/2022 09:42

YANBU, she seems to have picked him over you.

babyjellyfish · 01/09/2022 09:42

I'd be really hurt by this.

You have no issue with attending her birthday celebration if he is there. He is the one who has a problem with you being there.

Since he's the one with the problem, he's the one who should not go.

I would absolutely feel that she was prioritising him in this situation.

Taxanimal · 01/09/2022 09:47

Your friend is being very immature, she’s still in the playground picking teams for netball! I’d be hurt too but if you think you can get over it, try to save the friendship, otherwise cut her & move on.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 01/09/2022 09:49

Tbh, the fact that he won't be in the same room as you for the sake of your friend shows that he doesn't care that much about the friend anyways.

At my wedding my sister and her ex husband managed to be courteous with each other and they'd only officially divorced 15 months before hand after a very messy breakup (cheating, pregnancies etc). They even had a short catch up chat and parted on good terms.

Both of them are obviously close to DH and I and wouldn't have dreamed of forcing us to choose.

Hibye23289 · 01/09/2022 09:54

Very unusual! Could there be something going on between them? A secret affair or crush

zingally · 01/09/2022 09:55

Like others have said, there's more to this on her side than she's letting on. It's pretty clear that she's more friendly with him than she's let on to you, or that she sees something more "in it for her" if she picks him over you.

Either way, she's prioritised him over you. Like others have said, she's made the decision to chose a "local friend" over a "long distance friend". You said yourself, you only see her 1 or 2 times a year, and therefore you're just not part of her everyday life any more.

I wouldn't make a fuss around her birthday itself - that would be cruel - but once the dust had settled, I'd be inclined to contact her once, say that your feelings were hurt, and then leave it at that. But I'd also be distancing myself from her. The 2 visits a year - I think - could very easily become 1, or even zero, without having to discuss a reason why. You will both know the reason for your withdrawal.

babynamequestion · 01/09/2022 09:55

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 01/09/2022 09:49

Tbh, the fact that he won't be in the same room as you for the sake of your friend shows that he doesn't care that much about the friend anyways.

Both of them are obviously close to DH and I and wouldn't have dreamed of forcing us to choose.

Yes, exactly this.

This happens all the time with divorced parents who need to put their differences aside for the sake of attending their children's important life events such as weddings and graduations. How they behave says a lot about whether they are prioritising their children or their own ego.

Your ex boyfriend is prioritising his own ego over the feelings of your friend, for the sake of a teenage relationship that ended over a decade ago.

At least you know you're well rid of him.

But it's awful that your friend is prioritising him.

Emotionalsupportviper · 01/09/2022 09:57

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 01/09/2022 06:17

I'd be very hurt and tbh I'd distance myself from her. She obviously doesn't care about your friendship as much as you do. She could easily tell your ex to deal with it and if he can't, not to go. I think she's behaving quite shitty tbh.

This.

If she never previously socialised with him, and rarely sees him as you have implied, she would have just said to him "I'm sorry you feel like that. I hope you come but if you don't I entirely understand why." and left the ball in his court whether to act like an adult or to throw a tantrum and stay away.

However she has chosen to restrict you, and effectively uninvited you - that says she doesn't value your friendship, and/or that there is something more going on than she is telling you. Others have suggested that she may be attracted to him, and I think they're right. In that case she might not want you around in case seeing you again takes his attention off her,

Personally I'd let the friendship drop - but I'd probably send her a card wishing her a wonderful birthday (no gift) and say how sorry I was that I wouldn't be able to catch up. And never bother with her again.

Meraas · 01/09/2022 09:58

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 01/09/2022 09:49

Tbh, the fact that he won't be in the same room as you for the sake of your friend shows that he doesn't care that much about the friend anyways.

Both of them are obviously close to DH and I and wouldn't have dreamed of forcing us to choose.

Did your ex-BIL cheat on your sister and make the OW pregnant?

Or did your sister cheat on ex-BIL and get pregnant by the OM?

Or did they both cheat?

I think I would have prioritised the non-cheating spouse.

LateAF · 01/09/2022 09:59

She’s no friend and she’s also proved herself to be as immature as your ex by letting him decide whether you can come to her party - at least now you know and can focus your energies elsewhere. You don’t need to go out of your way to meet up with her whenever you travel home. Your efforts won’t be reciprocated. See it as her doing you a favour.

KyaClark · 01/09/2022 10:00

He probably isn't even that fussed about seeing you, he just sees this as an opportunity to get to you.

After 10 years, he's not grown up, and your friend is pandering to him.

Time to step away from her. Sorry, OP.

WhenPushComesToShove · 01/09/2022 10:01

I know how hurtful this can be but to coin a cliché, when people show you who they are, believe them. She's no friend at all and it sounds like you had a very lucky escape from the ghastly ex. Look forward, live well and in the words of my dear departed loved one - fuck 'em! 😊💕

gatehouseoffleet · 01/09/2022 10:03

Your ex boyfriend is prioritising his own ego over the feelings of your friend, for the sake of a teenage relationship that ended over a decade ago

and your friend is a twit because she doesn't even realise he doesn't actually care enough about her to put his feelings about you aside but is prepared to put him first over you

A plague on both their houses, quite honestly. Carry on building your life overseas and find/maintain new friends who are worthy of the name "friend".

oopsfellover · 01/09/2022 10:04

I think she’s panicked a bit and doesn’t want awkwardness at her bday do (understandable) but is handling it the wrong way. It should be up to your ex whether he goes or not, knowing that you’ll be there. Not a friendship breaker probably, but talk to her about how you feel after the do has happened.

SleeplessInEngland · 01/09/2022 10:04

As others have said, your 'close friend' just isn't that into you. Not a nice way to learn that fact, admittedly.

Summerfun54321 · 01/09/2022 10:16

Unfortunately it’s part and parcel with moving abroad - finding your old close friendships aren’t as strong as they used to be and that others have taken your place. The whole ex-boyfriend thing is weird but I wouldn’t focus on that, the hurt comes from your friendship not being as strong as it used to be. Be the bigger person and don’t make a fuss, see her another time or don’t, it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things but it’s not really her fault, it’s the result of you moving abroad.

Jamaisy82 · 01/09/2022 10:18

I think she is closer than she says to him to let this happen. Its incredibly childish of him it was so long ago people move on, he clearly hasn't to be affected by your presence.