Does anyone else feel like they are just waiting to die?

[Mooshamoo]

I'm 38. Im not suicidal in anyway, but I also don't feel really any interest in life. I feel like I am just waiting to die.

Like, I am just counting down the years. I often think "Im 38, only another 52 years to go (thereabouts)". Which is quite sad.

I had a hard life, with no love at all. So that is where a lot of this feeling comes from. I had no father at all. I saw him once and he told me he didnt want to see me again. I had a mother but she hated being a mother, and showed no love at all. She just screamed at us and insulted us all the time. Ive forgiven her for this, as I dont think i would be a good mother either, but she wasnt a parent to me in any way.

I had no grandparents at all. I had uncles and aunts who werent in anyway uncles and aunts. For example I have one uncle on my fathers side, who is a horrible man, Ive only seen him about twice, and each time i saw him he told me i was ugly and nasty. So i havent seen him again.

So I was very unloved. I had no family really.

Anyway Im 38 now, I live alone. I dont want to get into a relationship, because as I was so unloved as a child, it has made me feel i am of very little worth subconciously, and then i always seem to attract abusive men. Do you know when you are weak, you kind of attract unhealthy relationships. So I feel i am better off single. I dont want children, as I am very weak, and i dont think i would be a good mum.

Anyway I go to meetup groups, I go travelling, but I always feel like life is such a struggle and no joy, because I had no family. Its just very lonely. And because i had no family love, or support i am quite a weak person, and people tend to walk all over me in groups.

I just feel: is this it for the next fifty years? What can I do to enjoy the time? Has anyone had no family and enjoyed their life?

OP, you sound very depressed and traumatised. This doesn't have to be 'it' at all. I really hope you can get some therapy or some help to process what has happened to you - it has happened TO you, it isn't YOU. Even an online CPTSD group. Look up the symptoms.

I felt the same as you but am in a completely different place now. The idea that there is nothing for you and nothing you can do is a trauma response, it's not reality.

Sending lots of love

Sorry you have had such a bad time OP😔Empty words I know.

I do know what you mean but I think my feelings stem from the pure monotony of life and the fact that life seems to be going so unbelievably quickly how I'm in my 30s.

Please have a great big virtual hug.

You sound like a lovely person despite what you have had to overcome. I hope you know that the way your family treated you was not your fault.

Do you like animals? Could you enjoy caring for a dog or cat?

You are free from them all now and that is in itself something to celebrate.

And you dont have to have the exact same thing as me - have a family that didnt love you - to contribute to this thread

Life is hard for us all, we all have different problems, money, trauma etc,I think a lot of us sometimes think that we are just waiting for it to be over.

Lifes not easy.

I really want to find some joy in life. Something I can do to make my life worthwhile

Sorry to hear this. Not the same but I have little family. I have joined groups and clubs and I feel like I have a value and purpose. Do you volunteer and feel needed and responsible for something? What about a pet to look after also, and cuddle? You are not wrong to feel the way you do x

If you could have anything what would you change about how your life is @Mooshamoo ?

I really want to find some joy in life. Something I can do to make my life worthwhile

Could you volunteer? Adopt an animal?

Good question. I feel because I wasnt loved, It made me not love myself. So then I often feel like I am not worth much, and I stop myself from going to some groups because I think people wont like me.

Or I dont go for better jobs because i think im not worthy. So im going to work on seeing myself as worthy and valuable. Try to make a better life for myself.

Hello

It sounds as if you’ve been everyone’s trashcan as it were, offloading their hurts, pains and disappointments onto you. You were innocent. But you were and are worthy of love.
Life can be very different from your upbringing. You are one decision or action away from a different life.
I felt like you at times. In a very dark place until I got really good treatment, therapy, a good partner. I never ever thought it possible. And yes, you CAN get to a place where you can like yourself.
My mother used to scream and shout at me, physical violence, emotional and psychological abuse was the norm. I believed it was my fault. I didn’t see relatives, aunts, uncles and cousins. But it was because of my ‘family’ and their behaviour. I felt very alone. I was alone. No help from family, teachers or neighbours.

Your reality can be very very different OP. And yes, there is joy to be had. 💐

I can't possibly vote , you're not being unreasonable at all but I wish you could find something that would give you purpose, what sort of things are you interested in OP?

Yeah, I call it “low key suicidal” or “ever so slightly careless with my life”.

I have DCs, but no contact with my own abusive parents since I was a teen, my siblings are chaotic addicts, I’m single and have been since I was 29 (late 30s now). My Grandparents are elderly and live far away.

I have a few, very good friends. Who are always busy with their DHs, their families or in laws, but have made space for me.

The women in my family live till they’re in their late 90s and the thought of another 60 years of… Gestures.. Is pretty horrific.

I have a career that I somewhat enjoy and worked hard for - I used University in my 30s as a distraction from the constant pounding urge to throw myself under a bus. I work now but it’s not the same, so I’m doing a PhD next year.

Since I was a teen I’ve had to find ways to distract myself to I can just quietly wait out my time without offing myself and traumatising my children.

I actually applied to volunteer for a crisis text line two months ago. Its not so easy to volunteer! It was really hard! It was like two months of really full on online training, and you had to pass tests and chat simulations.

I passed a good bit of it. I passed the child protection test. And Ive tried to do the last test three times now, and the mentor keeps saying ive failed because of typos , and forgetting to say things, and that im not ready for the text line. I got discouraged. Im like, should it be this hard to volunteer? I need to find somewhere else to volunteer

Definitely possible to I've without family. Actually having a family can be very hard work it's not always joyful.

Have you heard of the organisation ageing without children. Maybe you could start a group or something.

This breaks my heart as if you’d been in my family you’d have been loved to bits and you would have a healthy sense of relationships. It’s not surprising you don’t and that you lack self esteem and it’s so sad to think of the lack of love you’ve had and not deserved.
I would try and find people who do have a lot of love to give - try a good local church if you have one. You only need one friend even who can start helping you see there’s a lot to enjoy in life but I think you need love and support to get there.
I wish you were my neighbour and that I could help make you realise you are worth so much !
also try listening to The Power of Postive thinking as an audio book on you tube as it’s very uplifting

That's exactly how I feel! Thanks for sharing. Another fifty years of this feels so hard. Thanks for sharing. And its like if you didnt have good parents, you are never ever going to have them.

And then we are stuck in a life where we had bad parents, we cant ever change that. I wouldnt choose to have a life where I had bad parents, but I did, and I cant ever change it. That is always going to be the case for me, with no way out.

Maybe I need to try and work on accepting it more. I didnt have parents so get on with it.

I'm sorry for your childhood experiences op. I can't say I have had a similar experience but I'm nearly 40 and feeling tired and done with life, I've been to uni, got married and had kids and now I'm just like what now? I'm tired of the fight of living everyday. Not sure of this normal for our age.

I really think that some sort of therapy would be helpful - your past doesn't need to be your future.

In the meantime can you allow yourself to recognise your strengths. You survived, you made it through and you haven't hidden away from the world giving it the big fuck you that you may well feel it deserves. You may not see it but you have a core of steel to get through what you did and still be able to put one foot in front of the other.

I grew up in a violent household with a parent who died when I was still in school. I carry scars but I also have a huge reserve of resilience which has made me very good at my job.

Let me ask you a simple question - you recognise that your DM and Uncle were damaged / inadequate people - why do you think their opinions have any weight or value at all? I would hardly trust them to tell me the time accurately let alone trust their opinion of me as a person.

When you've lived in a household where you have to adapt to very strong and difficult personalities it can take time to discover who you are. What do you want? What makes you smile? These are tough questions when you have had to moderate your behaviour to placate others. Can you think of one thing that sparks a bit of joy for you?

Ahh thanks so much. That is really kind of you. I really appreciate that.

If you were suddenly told tomorrow you had an incurable disease you would panick and you would not want to die.

Live is for living and we are a long time dead.

Thanks for sharing. Yeah I think that life is tiring for a lot of people. Me and you are similiar ages. I think that when we get to around 40, we are tired! We've put forty years of work into life! Life can be tiring.

OP you are worthwhile and lovable.

In similar shoes I had therapy and adopted a dog. Made a huge difference to me, though it was a journey.

I'm so sorry for the experiences you have had op, it's hardlysurprising you feel this way. One thing I really enjoyed when I was single in my early twenties was solo travel, i dont know if that appeals to you at all?

I feel like this. Single. No kids. I have family but we’re not really that close. I can go days without talking to anybody if I’m off work. I don’t think I would be missed if I ended things and wish I could do it but I know my family would feel guilt even if they didn’t really miss me and I don’t want to put that on them. Sometimes I think I could move to the other side of the world, naturally drop contact with everyone and then just ‘disappear’ but I suppose at some point my body would be found. I feel frustrated that ending things is not seen as a valid choice if you’re fit and healthy, I feel like I am a burden on people and on the environment, I don’t bring anybody joy and have very little nice things in my life but I’m stuck because even though nobody in my family really reaches out to me to end things would still effect them and they’d no doubt feel guilty even though they put no effort in to want to see or talk to me whilst I’m here.

Radical acceptance really helped me. It took a while (in my early 20s) but I got there eventually.

I also know people with really toxic families who they spend every Christmas etc with and counting my fucking blessings that I was able to walk the fuck away from them and not have to deal with their shit any more.

I mean, I’d rather not have CPTSD that I need Psychiatrist prescribed medications for, but it is what it is. I focused on breaking the cycle with my own DC, which I have.

I’d rather have gone to Uni as a teen vs being too mentally unwell to get out of bed for days on end whilst living in a dangerous house share, barely able to afford food.

But I can “I’d rather” all day, won’t change anything or get me anywhere.

I had a Great Grandmother who had a profound influence on me with her “Nobody is owed anything. Nobody deserves anything. We are born into what we are born into and all we can do about that is play the hand we were dealt as well as we can.”

Harsh, maybe, but she wasn’t wrong.

It's interesting. I just remembered something. I am quite spiritual.

I remember five years ago, I was really crying one night. I was thinking my life is too hard, and I was crying over and over and thinking I dont want to do this anymore. I wasnt thinking of committing suicide, but I was kind of saying in my mind "I dont want to go on'".
I read a lot of spirit books, and I think spirits exist on the other side. Anyway the night I was really crying, I was saying in my mind over and ove "Please let me die in my sleep, i dont want to be here anymore, I really dont want to go on, please let me go".

And I really distinctly heard a voice say back to me:

"there are things that you want to do in this life, that you havent done yet, that you can only do in the physical realm, there is a reason you are still here, there are more things that you want to do".

So that was kind of interesting. Though my life hasnt been any easier since then. I guess I saw the USA once since that time, so if i had died earlier i wouldnt have seen the USA - that is one thing I achieved.

Still, if could slip away painlessly now, I would. I just find life really hard.

But it is good to share it on here. And talk to other women who find life hard. If we talk about it, it becomes a bit easier.