Does anyone else feel like they are just waiting to die?

[Mooshamoo]

I'm 38. Im not suicidal in anyway, but I also don't feel really any interest in life. I feel like I am just waiting to die.

Like, I am just counting down the years. I often think "Im 38, only another 52 years to go (thereabouts)". Which is quite sad.

I had a hard life, with no love at all. So that is where a lot of this feeling comes from. I had no father at all. I saw him once and he told me he didnt want to see me again. I had a mother but she hated being a mother, and showed no love at all. She just screamed at us and insulted us all the time. Ive forgiven her for this, as I dont think i would be a good mother either, but she wasnt a parent to me in any way.

I had no grandparents at all. I had uncles and aunts who werent in anyway uncles and aunts. For example I have one uncle on my fathers side, who is a horrible man, Ive only seen him about twice, and each time i saw him he told me i was ugly and nasty. So i havent seen him again.

So I was very unloved. I had no family really.

Anyway Im 38 now, I live alone. I dont want to get into a relationship, because as I was so unloved as a child, it has made me feel i am of very little worth subconciously, and then i always seem to attract abusive men. Do you know when you are weak, you kind of attract unhealthy relationships. So I feel i am better off single. I dont want children, as I am very weak, and i dont think i would be a good mum.

Anyway I go to meetup groups, I go travelling, but I always feel like life is such a struggle and no joy, because I had no family. Its just very lonely. And because i had no family love, or support i am quite a weak person, and people tend to walk all over me in groups.

I just feel: is this it for the next fifty years? What can I do to enjoy the time? Has anyone had no family and enjoyed their life?

Wow! You are an inspiration. You're so strong. That's amazing, all that you have overcome - to go on and have a good life. That's great to hear. I hope I can be as strong as that

Could you volunteer for your local Age UK? They are always looking for “befriending” volunteers, to spend an hour or 2 a week with a local elderly person who is lonely and isolated. You’ll certainly help boost their morale, and probably yours too x

Thanks for sharing that. Yes life can often feel boring at best, and awful at worst.

What I find hardest to accept is: I feel that life is kind of like a story, and I wanted the story where I had a nice family.

But I have the sad story of really bad parents, and I just feel like I cant accept the hand that I was dealt.
I wanted the nicer story!

I look at people who were loved and who had better lives, and think why couldnt i have had that. And the feeling that i will never have it.

You say that you had a traumatic childhood too. It is tough. I honestly feel like im not really interested in anything. The only thing i can think of that i want to really do in my life is read more books, and maybe go to more groups.

thanks for the suggestion.

To quote Robbie Williams
" I don't wanna die
But I ain't keen on living either"
That's how I feel.

I was reading some inspirational books. I was reading about this woman in New York. Her mother beat her up all the time, and hated her. She had no dad in her life. She went to find him and he told her he didnt want to know her, (same as mine). She went into foster care.
She had a brutal life. She overcame it all and went on to be a solicitor, and started some organisation that helped foster children all over new york. I really admire people who overcame it all and went on to achieve a lot, I often feel so weak that I just frag myself through the day.

"drag myself through the day"

Wow! You are an inspiration. You're so strong. That's amazing, all that you have overcome - to go on and have a good life. That's great to hear. I hope I can be as strong as that

I'm almost 50 and have been happily married for the last 20 years so it took me till I was 30. As per others, it's impossible not to have suffered from depression but that's mostly behind me nowadays.

But the parenting did take longer. Having a violent childhood takes its toll when you have your own and try to suppress all the shit bubbling away in the background.

But it can be done and IME it's the belief that is key. Hoping that you can be strong is one thing. You have to know you can and believe it.

As per the advice you've received, talking this through with a specialist will help.

OP I like the post you made where you said you plan on improving your feelings about yourself. It took me five decades to realise that we are stuck with ourselves all our lives, so may as well learn to be our own best friends.

Look up self-compassion online. There are some worksheets and videos and blogs on how to start practising it.

The same with self-care. Just start to practise it - healthy eating, a form of fitness you enjoy, starting to take an interest in what clothes you wear and how they express your personality.

You could also sign up for free online CBT self referral via NHS if you are in UK, and ask them to specifically help you focus on self compassion and finding joy in life.

I also enjoyed exploring attitudes to friendship and developing different kinds of friendship: from better relationship with work colleagues and neighbours, building familiarity with people I might see once or twice a week at a fitness class by making small talk at start of class, to a closer friendship with people at a more specific interest group (could be art, theatre, book club, creative writing, hiking etc.)

Another thing that can help bring joy is to set yourself a project of doing something you've never done before every day for a year and record what you thought of it. From tiny things like trying a new scent of bath gel to bigger things like learning a new skill or language. It can be silly things like singing in the shower or dancing alone in the kitchen - just start to notice which things you do make you feel happy - even for a moment.

You can also stitch together tiny happy moments so they start to build up - e.g. start the day with lively or peaceful music in the background, make a really delicious cup of coffee for breakfast and drink it in the garden or looking out of the window at the dawn, stroke a cat on the way into work, listen to an upbeat podcast or meditation or affirmation set on the commute etc (If you work from home, do this before starting work.) The trick I learned was, they don't have to make you feel happy long term, just a tiny flicker of happiness in the moment is worthwhile. Just keep adding up the moments.

yes exactly.

Thank you so much for the advice. Every bit of that was helpful. At the moment I tend to isolate myself, I am going to work on developing better friendships.

I can do more self care.

I really like the ideas of trying things that Ive never done before. Even a small thing like that will give me something to live for every year.

I dont think I could do something ive never done before every day, but I could every month. I think this month, Im going to read a new book, and watch a new movie online. Start small. then build up.

How you describe how you feel, you ascribe to factors outside your control. For example, I have no interest in life because of my family. I wonder whether CBT even online would be good - because it is a way of disentangling your thoughts - the ‘X happened so now I must feel Y forever’. It could help you to feel more in control of your life, and help your mind not go down negative spirals.

If it helps, my life has been very hard. But my mother’s was horrific. So in one way I grew up not having a real childhood, and had a lot of loss and trauma, but in a way seeing my mother able to turn around (to some extent) her life which was really the stuff of a sad movie, gave me some kind of drive.

So yes I get it. I’m fortunate in that I have been given enough love, and enough skills, to master resilience. Yet even then I do sometimes think - what is the point of me? And yet I do come around and see even on low days, I can do tiny things that which may not make my life better, but do make someone else’s life better. And these tiny small things, done day after day reverse that awful feeling.

And so to you OP. Despite feeling so low. You have picked up the computer, and typed how you feel, and shared. That is no small thing. Your mind is fighting, trust it! We have within us an amazingly strong survival instinct that I believe does eventually find purpose. We just need to give it time, give it a chance, grit our teeth through the low days because if we keep going, there is ALWAYS light at the end of that tunnel.

You sound like a strong person. Stronger than you might think or realise.

it’s not easy going it alone. But it’s a sign of true strength.

“Those who fly solo have the strongest wings”

As for ‘waiting to die’, maybe put it into the context that 52 years or so isn’t that long. Have you made a bucket list? Places you’d like to explore? Books you’d like to read?

Those 1001 Things to Do Before you die books might help open up your enthusiasm for something you hadn’t considered before.

💐

Yes I do. I constantly think that living is just a waste of time.

Those are great ones to start with.

The new things can be very small. I started really simple as I was in a bad way when I began - new shower gel scent, new coffee flavour etc. Then built up to the kind of thing you are talking about - read a new book, watch a new film.

After a few months I was going to gigs of bands I'd never heard of in music genres I didn't know existed. (If you have no money you can sign up to be carer for someone who needs assistance at a gig and you get in free in return. Or you can volunteer at festivals. You learn ways of doing stuff that don;t cost a fortune.) I ended up doing work I had no clue about a few months earlier. Mainly because I started saying yes to things I'd have avoided before, just to get my 'new thing of the day' in. So I am not pushing you, but I bet if you start really small you can do something new each day. Even watching a different TV channel or radio station from normal is a good one.

Perhaps the voice that spoke to you to say you have things to do in this life was more than just visiting the USA.

Even this thread has been something that you had to create. Just by having other humans open up has been part of that creation.

There is a power within everyone. It just needs to be revealed.

It may lead to other things!!

Honestly I second getting a pet cat ( hence my username) they give you unconditional love that you don’t get from humans. There is a joke where a man goes to the shop to get some anti depressants and is given a cat instead they really are the best therapy.

What I find hardest to accept is: I feel that life is kind of like a story, and I wanted the story where I had a nice family.

But I have the sad story of really bad parents, and I just feel like I cant accept the hand that I was dealt.
I wanted the nicer story!

I look at people who were loved and who had better lives, and think why couldnt i have had that. And the feeling that i will never have it.

I used to feel like that. I used to be jealous of people whose parents cared about them physically and emotionally. Imo, you can get over that by creating the nice family you always longed to have. Either by having a family of your own and treating your DC the way you wished you'd been treated (I did that and it is therapeutic to see how well they thrive if they are properly loved. It's very healing.)

Or if you don't or can't have children or don't want them, you do the same with friends. Make them your family. That takes time, and probably a few false starts but it's worth making an effort. You need to meet people who are also ready to make their friendships their family, and don't have family of their own, and you need to make sure these are true friends not users. But over the years cultivate people who are reliable and kind; who maybe come from similar family circumstances where they don't have the love of family to rely on and choose friends instead. People who want to meet up at Christmas or go on holiday with you in the summer or celebrate birthdays together.

Yeah I need to go and volunteer in more places. That is one thing that I am going to try to do.

Also for people suggesting CBT I tried it but found it rubbish but maybe others have had better experiences with it. Ditto counselling unless you find a good one which is quite hard.

I had a very strange childhood, and i often feel like that too, but I guess I try to find enjoyment in minor details. Films I can be absorbed in, books, running, I got absolutely obsessed with crochet once when life was really bad. Having kids did make it easier for a while because it gave purpose, but now I feel like I've fucked that up for them too. I spend a lot of my time biting my fingers and trying to forget terrible nightmares which is something. Weirdly I've recently been convinced I'm seriously ill, but that's just because it would be the only way to a quicker exit.

Totally agree with others about volunteering. Giving and feeling needed are really undervalued. We value success based upon material items and what relationships we have and what we’ve achieved in our jobs. But really it’s all pretty pointless and meaningless if no one needs us to exist in order for them to flourish and survive. I think that’s why so many people have children.

I completely understand where you’re coming from because I feel the same. I’ve had some really tragic things happen to me that I just feel forever broken and damaged. I have multiple health issues that I just feel constantly unwell. Right now, my daughter is still a child and needs me, but I often count down the days until she is an adult and doesn’t need me as much so I can just wither away. I’ve been just surviving and existing rather than actually living for nearly 10 years and I’m just exhausted.

I'm always intrigued when people say this and wonder if they just got a shit counsellor. I found it so helpful in getting me to identify when I was running a really critical monologue against myself in my head, and to know what kind it was so I could challenge it, such as Forecasting, Black and White Thinking, Mindreading etc. Now I spot myself doing these, I do them less often and it really helps reduce social anxiety.