Does anyone else feel like they are just waiting to die?

[Mooshamoo]

I'm 38. Im not suicidal in anyway, but I also don't feel really any interest in life. I feel like I am just waiting to die.

Like, I am just counting down the years. I often think "Im 38, only another 52 years to go (thereabouts)". Which is quite sad.

I had a hard life, with no love at all. So that is where a lot of this feeling comes from. I had no father at all. I saw him once and he told me he didnt want to see me again. I had a mother but she hated being a mother, and showed no love at all. She just screamed at us and insulted us all the time. Ive forgiven her for this, as I dont think i would be a good mother either, but she wasnt a parent to me in any way.

I had no grandparents at all. I had uncles and aunts who werent in anyway uncles and aunts. For example I have one uncle on my fathers side, who is a horrible man, Ive only seen him about twice, and each time i saw him he told me i was ugly and nasty. So i havent seen him again.

So I was very unloved. I had no family really.

Anyway Im 38 now, I live alone. I dont want to get into a relationship, because as I was so unloved as a child, it has made me feel i am of very little worth subconciously, and then i always seem to attract abusive men. Do you know when you are weak, you kind of attract unhealthy relationships. So I feel i am better off single. I dont want children, as I am very weak, and i dont think i would be a good mum.

Anyway I go to meetup groups, I go travelling, but I always feel like life is such a struggle and no joy, because I had no family. Its just very lonely. And because i had no family love, or support i am quite a weak person, and people tend to walk all over me in groups.

I just feel: is this it for the next fifty years? What can I do to enjoy the time? Has anyone had no family and enjoyed their life?

@Mooshamoo

I'm really sorry to hear your past and what you've been through sounds horrendous.

I can't say I can relate to everything you're saying but have you tried any of these?
-volunteering for something worthwhile. Like age UK, a dogs trust, foodback, even a governor at a school. Schools are desperate for governors and you'd make such a difference improving the lives of others .

• a decent counsellor , maybe someone online so it's easily accessible
• have you tried attending weekly church services, or even a temple? Weekly church for us keeps us grounded
• what about a dog? A lifelong companion, someone to get up with in the morning?
• what about finding a lodger on spareroom? Someone for evening company?
• a 2nd job or studying part time to keep busy?

Good luck with everything. Keep reaching out to mumsnet when you feel down xxx

reply to me by *pm

This probably won't be much help to anyone but I've never seen a point to life and have felt that it's just a case of waiting to die for as long as I can remember. I'm not regularly suicidal these days but certainly was throughout my 20s. I had counselling and saw a therapist and it helped in that it made me recognise that my thoughts of commiting suicide were not necessarily the most appropriate or helpful way to deal with things, but I've certainly never felt there was a purpose to life.

It's always been like this for me, since my earliest memories. I don't know if I was truly "suicidal" when I was five but certainly was wavering between actively wishing I was dead and being fed up at the pointlessness of life most of the time, even then.

What I've learned to understand is that nobody's life has a real, valid purpose. Some people think their life has meaning, which is fine for them if it helps them muddle through, but really, nobody has a life that is actually worthwhile. Life is just existence. Some people con themselves that their own life has meaning but really they're just making themselves as comfortable as possible at the expense of others.

I've heard it said that no truly intelligent person can have a happy life, and certainly believe that's true. Anyone who really analyses the human condition will inevitably realise that life has no purpose or permanence. (That's not to say an "unintelligent" person will have a happy life of course, just that a lack of self-awareness and the inability to self-analyse are prerequisites.)

Agree with you op

Its a process. Right now you are sharing which is a big thing. Processing is important then action when you’re ready.

About the volunteering you tried; may I suggest you look into volunteering face to face rather than virtually if possible? I’ve done crisis help lines before and gave to face welfare. It’s a different experience face to face.

OP, I have no contact with any member of my family. I did this to protect my mental and physical health. Like you I was never loved as a kid and had no grandparents or any other extended family, all I had were my toxic parents. It also poisoned my ability to have relationships when I became an adult.

Last year I reached rock bottom after a man I thought was a friend assaulted me.

I finally said enough is enough and I told myself that I would never another abusive, narcissistic take advantage of me.

I managed to get counselling from a therapist who specialises in trauma and PTSD through the NHS.

It helped me change some of my perspective on life and finally realise I had been sabotaging myself my entire life for example by letting men in who were abusive, friends who were not really friends and by going for jobs that I was not suited for and that did not offer me security or match my abilities.

I have made a lot of changes in my life now, I completed the therapy sessions and I am about to start a new really interesting job, I am off on a little holiday before I start work and in the next few months I will move to a different, quieter location.

I don't think I will ever be able to have a good romantic relationship and I still have to remind myself daily that I am worth something (because my parents destroyed any kind of self-esteem I had when I was a child) but at least I have some friends and some interests and hobbies that bring me joy in life and I am again making plans to keep improving my life.

I have had to come to term that I wasted a lot of my life because of what was done to me. Don't hesitate to ask for help from your GP and get some mental health support. Sometimes we really need to reach out.

You are younger than I am so please don't loose hope and don't let what happened to you as a child define your life as an adult.

So sorry to hear how you feel. I think there is a lot to be said for practical ways to feel a bit better, such as people have mentioned on this thread. One thing I find helpful is a daily meditation, about 20 mins. I neglect it for months, but come back to it when feeling frazzled or low. Usually just concentrating on the breath and really feeling emotions that come up. So, sitting with sadness, anger and boredom, not fighting them, until they release. There's a lot of info online or books on Buddhist mindfulness of breath meditation. It's probably not for everyone, but it has helped me sometimes. It's sort of changing your inner state and not just your outer circumstances - though that's important too.

I'm really sorry that you had a difficult childhood.

Life is worth living, you've another 52% left to find joy.

There needs to be more centres and groups to help loneliness, it is a huge problem for many people.

Agree with this! Looking on the meet up app, even trying to join a walking/social group will incur charges! Where did we go so wrong that people have ended up so lonely and isolated.

@Dotjones I agree with what you say regarding intelligence and lack of meaning. The more we think about these philosophical questions, and ponder the point to it all, the greater the chance it can lead us down an unhappy path. Perhaps in these cases, ignorance is bliss…
I feel I’ve done quite a lot of my soul searching and the hard stuff of uncovering who I truly am, but after it all, I find myself at almost 40 separated from the husband I married at 22, with my two daughters. The loneliness and isolation is hard. It’s not the life I wanted, but we have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Not sure if I understand?

@Mooshamoo, if you are anywhere near the Berkshire/Buckinghamshire/Oxfordshire border, you are so, so welcome to come to our lovely little swimming group. We've all been a bit damaged by life and take great solace in the river. Feel free to pm me. Xx

Hello Mooshamoo

I can relate to a lot of what you have said, the yearning for a different family history. You just can't seem to accept that is how it was. There is a dark shadow over my soul and I need to remember everyday to seek out the light. I am in my 50's now and there were no resources in the 70's and 80's but now there are ways to find help.

I have accepted that it will never go away. I do think that the positive is that maybe you can help others - I know it is a cliche - but you maybe have a depth to your experience (not wanted or chosen) that can be turned to some good.

I am an atheist so there is no help in that direction for me so I need to make the best out of my life for the time I have.

I enjoy a lot of hobbies, nothing earth shattering but it helps me to be interested in things.

It is hard work, it is a lifelong process but I try always to seek out the light.

I would like to pm SignOnTheWindow if I may as I was going to say that finding other people who might understand how you feel is something that I now feel I need to do.

I wish you well.

Hello again

Sorry, I wanted to keep my comments brief but reading them, they probably don't sound very inspiring...

I also meant to say that people have come up with some good ideas on this thread.

I have read some DBT and found it useful - the idea of radical acceptance and change.

Give yourself the chance to try new things, go into new situations.

Your history will always be part of you and you are where you are now - that is the radical acceptance, but the way you feel can change. Give yourself that chance.

I could have written this post a few months ago. I felt exactly like you although I did have a loving childhood and do have adult children so not coming from the same place. I was drifting along as a 57 year old fat lady who worked from home and had no friends, my parents who were also my best friends had died, my sister moved miles away and my adult children are all in loving relationships and have either got married, or moved out etc, (they are kind loving children towards me but I dont want to burden them, an example is new years eve, my daughter felt guilty because she spent it with my son and his girlfriend and my other son was with his wife and friends while I was at home with a bottle of red.

Anyway....I discovered on 1st July I have diabetes, fatty liver, fatty pancreas and extreemly high cholesterol, I now realise I very much want to live and what I have to live for, I have given up smoking, lost 2 stone and exercise everyday. I dont want a relationship with another man as like you the men in my life have all been abusive. I am planning to go abroad by myself and go back to playing bridge, I am also working towards promotion and have added my diabetes journey on social media and have over 100,000 followers, life has suddenly become challenging and rewarding again.

Please seek help and dont wait for a health shock like mine to come along before you make a change, you only get one life, make it a good one xx

@blbluemonkey101 for some reason I can't access my messages on my mobile, but as soon as I'm home I'll reply. X

Me.
I'm 48 and have heart failure and lung disease and a shitload of other health issues and I'm just counting down the days. I'll be glad when it's over.
Most days I wake up disappointed that I didn't die in my sleep.

In a way, yes. It's been a pretty rubbish life all in all. My teens and twenties were a wash out thanks to mental illness (social anxiety, avoidant personality disorder, toxic shame, depression, blah, blah). I'm a lot better now, but the change has come too late. I'm well into my 40s. Every day my looks fade a bit more. And time goes so fast it's terrifying. I literally haven't packed away the Christmas decorations from last year, and now it's nearly Christmas again.

Like a lot of people I'm also trapped. I have an ageing/depressed mother who depends on me, which massively restricts what I can do. I see nothing good ahead. Everything will just get worse and worse until I die, lonely, isolated and poor. Reaching your 40s is like getting to the top of a hill. I'm now sliding down the other side, desperately gripping at branches and roots to slow my descent.

If I was in your position OP, still only in my 30s and free of all ties, I would definitely move away. Go somewhere bright and warm. Why not move to Spain? There are loads of British ex-pats out there. Moving away might be like a re-birth. If you decide to act differently, you'll feel differently. Try throwing yourself into everything. Strike up conversations with people on the bus, etc. It will be hard at first, and sometimes you'll be knocked back, but gradually a new you will emerge.

I have a small quinta (farm) in Portugal! Will PM you the link.

Brilliant thank you SignOnTheWindow.

Sorry, haven't rtft. But I just wanted to say OP that you're not alone, I feel like this every day too. I've just turned 50 and while I'm married with an adult DD I have no other family and no friends, neither does DH. I have a chronic, disabling health condition and can't work so am a burden on DH. My health condition will disable me further eventually and my life expectancy is 10-20 years lower than average because of it and I sort of think, what's the point in anything? I have no life outside my home, I don't socialise, I'm in pain all the time, I can't work, I useless. I'm just waiting to die.

Turning 50 has really crystallised that I don't have much of a future anyway, maybe 10 or 15 years and all of them will be painful.

It's shit OP and I completely empathise 💐