Does anyone else feel like they are just waiting to die?

[Mooshamoo]

I'm 38. Im not suicidal in anyway, but I also don't feel really any interest in life. I feel like I am just waiting to die.

Like, I am just counting down the years. I often think "Im 38, only another 52 years to go (thereabouts)". Which is quite sad.

I had a hard life, with no love at all. So that is where a lot of this feeling comes from. I had no father at all. I saw him once and he told me he didnt want to see me again. I had a mother but she hated being a mother, and showed no love at all. She just screamed at us and insulted us all the time. Ive forgiven her for this, as I dont think i would be a good mother either, but she wasnt a parent to me in any way.

I had no grandparents at all. I had uncles and aunts who werent in anyway uncles and aunts. For example I have one uncle on my fathers side, who is a horrible man, Ive only seen him about twice, and each time i saw him he told me i was ugly and nasty. So i havent seen him again.

So I was very unloved. I had no family really.

Anyway Im 38 now, I live alone. I dont want to get into a relationship, because as I was so unloved as a child, it has made me feel i am of very little worth subconciously, and then i always seem to attract abusive men. Do you know when you are weak, you kind of attract unhealthy relationships. So I feel i am better off single. I dont want children, as I am very weak, and i dont think i would be a good mum.

Anyway I go to meetup groups, I go travelling, but I always feel like life is such a struggle and no joy, because I had no family. Its just very lonely. And because i had no family love, or support i am quite a weak person, and people tend to walk all over me in groups.

I just feel: is this it for the next fifty years? What can I do to enjoy the time? Has anyone had no family and enjoyed their life?

@Mooshamoo one thing which you may want to consider is how DO you want to feel? Then work out what would/might make you feel like that - doesn't have to be anything big, maybe having your morning coffee/tea in an outside space rather than the kitchen.

I too feel very similar to you and many other posters but, unlike many of you, have no reason to. I had a loving family upbringing, siblings, still live close to all my family, parents still alive and very supportive, 3 wonderful children, divorced but not bitterly, well paid job - there's no logical reason for me to feel like I do.

But at 53 I still don't know what I want! And that's the hardest bit to work out - I've never been able to do it.

I would advise doing something else to start with as a volunteer. I have done all manner of voluntary work and though I do ascribe to the wounded healer school of thought it may be good to do something less traumatic to start with.

I would advise counselling, you do need to click with the therapist. You actually need to talk about your experiences and I don’t think CBT would be appropriate for you. I am not a professional but have had counselling to deal with trauma. They tried me on CBT first but it really wasn’t for me.

I currently work in a communal garden, that is actually lovely but I have worked for a DV charity and helped set up a big food project so have worked with many trauma survivors.

OP, maybe look at ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). Russ Harris and Steven Hayes have great books and resources.

ACT looks at acceptance, unhooking from unhelpful thoughts (looking at the workability of them, not trying to fight or change them), mindfulness, committed action, and living a life that is meaningful, based on our values.

That is a very brief overview of course, but I'd be happy to point you to some books and resources if you are interested. It has helped me and many people I work with.

I find life hard. I had a difficult childhood and it has left me with a lot of self-esteem issues and all sorts of unhelpful thoughts and feelings. I do have a lot of love in my life, and I have worked hard to make a better life for myself. I still struggle and those feelings that come from a difficult childhood show up often, and I struggle with feelings of low- worth and just feeling like life is really unsafe. ACT does help me though.

OP - I think I understand your perspective.

I am most definitely waiting to die. I am mid 40s and one of life's great failures - I was lucky enough to have the benefit of a supportive family and a good education.
I have achieved nothing in my career, I have failed completely and entirely as a parent and now I have a chronic illness - the only benefit of which is I am hoping it will kill me of quicker.

I tried looking for new jobs (not possible with chronic illness - nobody will hire you), tried new hobbies with the children I have left (failed again on this).
Nothing left for me to do.

This isn't normal

Please seek some help, you have one life, let someone help enable you to live it

I always had that experience but my current therapist (trauma based) suggested that one reason it isn’t always doing well is that practitioners are focused on the Cognitive part at the expense of the Behavioural part. So you need to know what your brain does, obviously, but the key part is changing your behaviour and therefore setting new neural pathways so that your brain starts to think differently. I really appreciated that approach and find I’m doing less of the circular navel gazing and more of the productive work.

This is why I like ACT. It is very focused on behaviours.

It helps me a lot, however, I know that having therapy with someone who specialises in trauma would be very beneficial and something I am in the process of looking into.

I'm sorry if I've missed it OP, but would you consider therapy?

Me, I didn't have a bad upbringing or anything, but every day is a mindless trudge of going through the motions, if someone offered me a pill to take to stop it all today I would take it.

I know this might sound bonkers but are you still living near where you grew up? If you have no connections could you maybe move to a completely different part of the country or even get a job abroad? That’s what I would do if I were in that situation (although I realise it’s not practical for some).

That was in reply to painsandaches who said "This isn't normal"

I've been lucky then, because I've only had two very short sets of CBT but on both occasions the therapist was very focused on what I shoudl do to try and overcome unhelpful thought and behaviour patterns, and it was very productive.

Hello OP, it seems really like you need to be in community with people.

I wonder if you like singing? I find it really therapeutic to sing with others, it feels like we are one.

If you feel spiritual, Rupert Spira has an excellent YouTube channel where you can listen to his talks about how to find inner peace. Sending you my love from here!

Oh and I also wondered if you are have found a good psychologist to talk through the past with, in case that could really help too.

@Lunar270 there is a large degree of chance and circumstances that would have lead to your outcome which also needs to be acknowledged

And OP I can’t recommend getting a dog highly enough

What was? Your post was removed

I think we are sold this myth that life is meant to be joyful and wonderful, but for a lot of us, it’s a struggle! I’m pleased for those who love every minute, but a lot of us don’t. We all bring to the table different life experiences, traumas, relationship blueprints etc. which make things easier or harder for us.
There seems to be a tendency on some posts for people to diagnose (‘you sound depressed’) and then tell someone what to do (‘get some therapy’). Personally I find these approaches quite condescending and unhelpful, when a poster has been very vulnerable sharing something that isn’t easy to admit.
I think it’s normal to feel like you do given your background. We live quite isolated lives these days and so it’s really hard to reach out and build community. Just wanted to send a virtual hug really OP and others who’ve shared similar.

Not sure if there’s any Bo Burnham fans on here, but his Netflix special is great..
He is very honest about his struggles and feeling fed up with life at times. I guess it’s about trying to find reasons to keep on going when it all feels kind of joyless, pointless and hopeless. Understanding life is a struggle a lot of the time, but one we have to do our best to endure, and if we are lucky, discover some joy/love on the way. Ultimately, we are all just making it up!

Bo Burnham
“I Don’t Wanna Kill Myself”
Okay. Check that one. We’ll do one more.

I just wanna say for the record, um, that I do not want to kill myself, okay? I don’t wanna kill myself, and I’m not going to kill myself. Um, and if you’re out there and you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts and you want to kill yourself, I just want to tell you don’t. Okay? Can you not, please? Just don’t. All right? F**king quit it with the–

But really, don’t kill yourself. You don’t want to, because… There are people that love you… That’s not true necessarily, but there could be people that love you in the future, and just don’t. I’ve had peoplе close to me kill themsеlves, and I’ll be honest with you, didn’t love it. Didn’t love that. So just don’t.

But if I could kill myself for a year… If I can– I’d do it today. If I could kill myself today and be dead until like 18 months from now, um, I would do it, but alas… when you kill yourself, you’re dead forever, and we shouldn’t be dead forever yet.

So let’s not. Right? Come on, guys.

Some one said about maybe moving abroad. I did solo travel in the past and I didnt like it, because I was so lonely.

Ive been thinking of doing something. I want to go and do workaway for a year in different places in Spain. Its where you volunteer abroad in different places in exchange for accomodation. I would never be alone if I travelled that way. Id like to volunteer in hostels because i would get to talk to a lot of people. I know its a bit unusual maybe to do it at my age (38) but I would really like to get out of the mundane life that im in, and to talk to people from all over the world. I think that would make me happy.

I am sorry that you are feeling so low. In a way we are all waiting to die but tend not to focus on that.
While we are waiting we may as well make things as pleasant as possible for ourselves.
Be gentle with yourself, the volunteering that you applied for sounds quite demanding, there are a lot of lower key more enjoyable volunteering opportunities.
Start by thinking about anything that you mildly enjoy and do more of that.
It takes time to feel part of a new community.
You say that you are quite spiritual. Perhaps explore which church or spiritual community best matches your beliefs and start to attend. Expect it to take a bit of time before you feel part of it. Volunteer for a small task (e.g. collecting subs for a club, making tea and coffee).
Do you enjoy getting out in the fresh air? If you like reading read the books you enjoy. Perhaps consider joining a book club.
You don't need to do anything outstanding and dramatic to be a success. You can help other people in minor ways and feel that you are contributing. It might help not to put too high expectations on yourself.
Buy little luxuries for yourself and spend time doing anything you like.
Imagine life like a boring waiting room in a hospital or solicitors office, you can either sit looking at the clock or read a good book, listen to music and smile at other people.
It's sad that you had such a loveless start in life. Imagine that little girl inside yourself and really spoil her.
You will get knock backs, we all experience someone being rude or off hand when we try new things but remember that's mor to do with them than you.
At times many of us feel that we are making the best of a bad job.
Remember that you don't have to do anything, you can please yourself (one of the benefits of being single).
If you feel that you really can't find the energy and motivation to try any suggestions it might help to see your GP. Depression can present as flat mood sometimes.

Im always terribly afraid before I go anywhere, that I will be making the wrong decision, or that there might be nasty people there who will be horrible to me. but if i dont go and try things ill never know.

Sometimes having too much choice or freedom is even harder than a restricted life! The travelling sounds great, but it’s a big thing to do and a leap of faith; as you say, there’s no way of knowing how it would go.

I've hosted Workaways for 12 years now, around 200 at the last count; the youngest was 17, the oldest 67. I much prefer volunteers in their 30's/40's!

Oh that's great to hear! Yeah I think that workaway is a really good website. I volunteered on it once a couple of years ago. You really get to talk to people that you never would get to see otherwise. Do you have a hostel or cafe or something in the UK? You can reply to me by pl if you want, if thats too personal