Does anyone else feel like they are just waiting to die?

[Mooshamoo]

I'm 38. Im not suicidal in anyway, but I also don't feel really any interest in life. I feel like I am just waiting to die.

Like, I am just counting down the years. I often think "Im 38, only another 52 years to go (thereabouts)". Which is quite sad.

I had a hard life, with no love at all. So that is where a lot of this feeling comes from. I had no father at all. I saw him once and he told me he didnt want to see me again. I had a mother but she hated being a mother, and showed no love at all. She just screamed at us and insulted us all the time. Ive forgiven her for this, as I dont think i would be a good mother either, but she wasnt a parent to me in any way.

I had no grandparents at all. I had uncles and aunts who werent in anyway uncles and aunts. For example I have one uncle on my fathers side, who is a horrible man, Ive only seen him about twice, and each time i saw him he told me i was ugly and nasty. So i havent seen him again.

So I was very unloved. I had no family really.

Anyway Im 38 now, I live alone. I dont want to get into a relationship, because as I was so unloved as a child, it has made me feel i am of very little worth subconciously, and then i always seem to attract abusive men. Do you know when you are weak, you kind of attract unhealthy relationships. So I feel i am better off single. I dont want children, as I am very weak, and i dont think i would be a good mum.

Anyway I go to meetup groups, I go travelling, but I always feel like life is such a struggle and no joy, because I had no family. Its just very lonely. And because i had no family love, or support i am quite a weak person, and people tend to walk all over me in groups.

I just feel: is this it for the next fifty years? What can I do to enjoy the time? Has anyone had no family and enjoyed their life?

I feel for you op, you’ve had a very similar upbringing to me and similar age, mine had the delight of domestic violence from parents though. I get the feeling, no matter what I achieve I feel quite empty at having no family to share any of my victories or woes with etc. I have family but all very toxic and damaged due to a similar story as yours. I feel dead to them.

I feel very empty a lot and don’t think I can ever really get attached to anyone which obviously knocks on me at work and potential new friendships.

It’s hard but I just keep going but I know what you mean. I’ve not had kids as I don’t know how to show love etc so the less damage I do the better.

Anyway I sound very dreary there which is probably not helping! The only advice I can give is reading up about attachment styles and things like that, there’s a great book about this, I’ll find the author. It’s not solved the above but I understand my empty feeling and I’m trying my best to be my own parent etc and fix some of the damage. Hope I don’t sound patronising, I’m not saying it’s an easy fix or a fix at all.

A manual for being human - Sophie Mort

No you dont sound dreary. Im so happy that you shared that with me. Its actually really nice to talk to people who have been through the same thing, and also to talk to women who are tired of life for other reasons. Its great to have a conversation about it. All women go through a lot in life. We can get tired.

If your circumstances allow a pet cat, do consider it, perhaps rescuing a couple of kittens from a shelter. Cats are selfish little tossers who don’t care about much, but if you feed them they’ll adore you and they can be fantastic to snuggle with on winter nights.

Maybe volunteering at an animal shelter? Often people who’ve been hurt by humans are very good at communicating with animals, particularly rescued animals.

Anyway just an idea.

I’m not in your situation, had good childhood and have family etc but life does seem an empty grind sometimes and when for a moment I thought I was going to die in a traffic incident, I have to admit to feeling relieved and happy, it was weird. I remember thinking “I won’t have to try anymore.”

If you’re spiritual maybe get involved in local religious community, they can be very welcoming?

@SandysMam whereas i understand the message, please don’t assume, I also have a lifelong condition which limits my lifespan.

Mooshamoo

What are you hoping to get from this thread? I am bit concerned that you are saying it is good to hear from other women who are tired of life etc. Yes people do struggle and yes some women do go through a lot but they also come out the other side. Do you want to find a way forward or are you looking for something else?

First thing you must know - your terrible childhood was 100% due to your parents (and their behaviour was due to their own bad or negligent parents). You are not responsible for one moment for the damage that was done to you by the very people who were responsible for your happiness and security. They failed you totally and utterly.

It is possible to overcome this and find the joy you are looking for. What are you interested in? When you travel what are you most looking forward to seeing? Where would you like to go next?

I’m leaving this thread now as I can see the ‘don’t moan until you’ve had cancer, stage 5 kidney disease, limb amputated’ which is not really what op was talking about and as well as the above I have my own pretty shitty health condition.

Feel free to message me any time @Mooshamoo x

You can change your life. The past dosent have to define your future.
Family are operated anyway.

Why are you concerned that I said it's good to hear from other women that are tired of life?

I said that for the simple reason that it is good to share problems. And it is good to share problems with people who feel similar.

As this gives a sense of empathy and sharing and understanding of each other, and it might help other women to talk about it in here too. A problem shared is a problem halved,and all that

I don’t know why my post was deleted. I was just trying to say that there are other ways, outside the box, to find meaning in your life, particularly by saving someone else’s. Didn’t mean to offend anyone! Wishing you all the best Op xx

Thanks for that Dottypotter

I am concerned because there have been quite a few posts offering positive suggestions from people who have been through similar but you have ignored them. You have focussed on those posts that reflect how you feel. I was concerned that you are reinforcing your current feeling of emptiness and sense that there is nothing you can do about it. You may quite legitimately disagree with me on this. Hence my question of why you started this thread. A tough start in life doesn't mean that your life will be lived in muted tones watching time tick away.

Thanks for posting this. I can really relate to what you, and some others, are saying. I also had a traumatic childhood and developed depression later on. Although I have achieved some things (and had therapy), I increasingly feel disconnected and uninterested in life as time goes on. I have no answers but thanks for sharing your story.

I disagree with you. I don't think you should say to someone - you should take all the positive suggestions and stop talking about the pain and just be positive now.

There is a lot of value in talking about shared pain, shared experiences. There is value in that alone. As talking to people who have been through similar, is so helpful and worthwhile.

And it's not realistic. Like if someone came to me and said that they had a horrendous family, I wouldn't say to them "Ive given you good advice why are you not moving forward and being happy now". People need to talk about what they went through.

I also disagree with you that I've ignored positive suggestions. Ive written down the name of every book that was suggested to me on this thread, and I am going to read them.

Ps OP, I also think you sound like an interesting and very decent person, and I'm sure people would like to be your friend.

Thanks for sharing too!

You have completely misrepresented what I have said to you - at no point have I told you to stop talking about the pain - I've also shared my own experiences of a traumatic childhood. Nobody on this thread has told you to move on as if nothing has happened so perhaps you need to consider why you have leapt to the reading of my posts that you have. Perhaps some of our realism is based on the painful reality of having pull ourselves out of the pit that a poor childhood has put us in and is based on a recognition that you only get one life so hard as it is you eventually have to try to find a way to stop the people who stole your childhood stealing your adult life as well.

I wish you all the best on your journey OP - I offered my experience in good faith but if it is upsetting you then I will step away.

Yes, me. Similar story in many ways - hideous parents (now estranged), no partner or kids, been disinterested in life for a long time and absolutely waiting to die. I also did nearly die four years ago, faced possible cancer etc. and it did not give me a new lease of life or change the way I feel at all sadly.

Therapy does help (especially with black and white thinking and inner critic, both of which I sense you may have!) and I live in hope that it’ll get better. I hope for that for you too.

You may also enjoy the book “I want to die but I want to eat tteokbboki - it’s translated but it really nails the low level feelings you refer to.

@Mooshamoo
About 18 years ago I could have related to a lot of what you said about how you feel..
I regularly used to call my best friend while I was driving home to my lovely children and tell her I might as well drive into a tree and get it over and done with. She always made me feel better.. I wouldn't have driven into the tree but the feeling of not wanting to be here was very present. I even have lovely parents and a couple of lovely friends too so I can't 'blame' (for want of a better word) the feeling on my childhood.
Looking back I think my marriage was quite difficult and I am quite an hormonal kind of gal which didn't help my negative feelings
Fast forward 18 years and my kids are adults and I'm divorced and I've been single and quite happy. And then I met someone who was even 'weirder' than I was... and he just accepted me as I am. And seemed to help me accept me too - and I am so much happier nowadays.

All I wanted to say was : Time can improve a lot of things. I think it's good you started this thread. Take care and you do sound intelligent and caring. Don't be too harsh on yourself. Xx

I feel so sorry that your family were so unloving. That must be very hard. 🙁

You sound depressed to me, not surprisingly. I felt like that for years, that life was a struggle. I've now been on antidepressants for about 14 years, and my life is transformed.

Please consider getting some support or therapy. It's not the easiest on the NHS with long waits, it may be better to go private. Or even get a life coach.

I promise you there is a better life than this for you. ❤️❤️

I'm really sorry OP

I'm not saying this to be smug but genuinely to say that it's entirely possible for you to turn things round. It's never too late.

I grew up in a single parent family and never knew my dad. My mum made it clear she never wanted kids and was horrifically violent for as long as I can remember. She kicked me out at 17 when I was jobless and still at college. It was bloody miserable and whilst I don't know exactly how you feel can empathise with your situation.

You can't change how you've been raised and you're not responsible for it either. But you are responsible for how your life goes now and it's 100% possible to turn things things around. Perhaps slowly but you do need to start liking yourself and then loving who you are. It's cliché but you're not going to have a working relationship otherwise.

I've completely made peace with my upbringing and am now happily married with two great kids, who I've never lifted a finger towards. Probably sounds odd but I didn't need to ape my mother's parenting style.

IMO you don't need to have been loved to be able to give it and I show my family regularly. I'm far from being a remarkable individual so anything is possible. You just need to make peace with your past and keep looking forward. All the best.

yeah but you said that I ignored positve suggestions, which I didnt. I actually wrote all of them down. Ok, thanks, bye.

I can relate to how you feel. (Traumatic childhood, bullied as a teen, nearly died several times due to health conditions, divorced twice, blah blah). I actually don’t know if there’s an “answer” as such. I genuinely think life is pointless. And I don’t even mean that in a depressive way. It just is. I try to be positive for my two children because I want them to try and live their best lives the best way they can but I’m middle aged now and have complex health issues that are only likely to get worse. That’s the reality of my situation and I’ve got to the point in life that I know there’s no sort of magic cure or miracle solution for stuff.

I have moments of enjoyment - a nice chocolate bar or cake, or reading something funny on here, or something on Instagram etc. But it’s all very “small”. I guess that’s enough isn’t it? Maybe we’re all taught that life should be this wonderful, amazing “big” experience and it actually isn’t.

I really resent the idea that people who feel like me are depressed because actually I feel quite calm and content about how I feel. I’ve had severe pnd when I had my dd 19 years ago and that was very different- almost like I felt angry and sad that I felt the way I did. But now I just accept it.