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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend invited other people on holiday

123 replies

Sundaycoffee · 31/08/2022 10:23

I'm off on holiday with a friend I have known for a few years for a 5 night trip.
She has a family home abroad that she has invited me to, so I just had to book flights. I am an introvert and have been going through a bit lately with work and was really looking forward to getting away and recharging with just her.
She has just sprung it upon me a week before we leave that now her sister and her sisters boyfriend and their newborn baby will now also be joining us and "the baby is so perfect, you will love him and its going to be so much fun altogether!"
I feel like I have no say in the matter as I am staying in her accommodation but if I knew this had been the situation I probably wouldn't have agreed to the holiday and spent money on flights.
AIBU? Can I say anything or is this something I just need to suck up and say "oh how wonderful, I cant wait!"
I'm sure we will be doing stuff "just us" but it's just a total change of vibe of holiday that I wasn't expecting and it's making me feel a bit anxious.
The way I'm just told that it's happening rather than "is it ok if...?" has rubbed me up the wrong way.
Or am I being an ungrateful bitch who should just be appreciative of free holiday accommodation?

OP posts:
Peashoots · 31/08/2022 10:29

No you’re not, she offered one thing and changed it last minute. I agree you can’t say anything though. I wouldn’t be happy either.
any chance of a refund on your flights?

MzHz · 31/08/2022 10:31

You should be able to rebook flights, can’t you tell the airline that you have covid?

i wouldn’t want to go anywhere with someone’s newborn

SleeplessInEngland · 31/08/2022 10:32

That's a bit shit of her. She can't know you very well to think you'd relish the prospect. Can you reschedule?

Homewardbound2022 · 31/08/2022 10:32

Had a similar experience years ago. Agreed to join a friend within a larger group who all played a sport together. Friend later decided to bring her young adult daughter who was a bit of a pain. Hadn't met her before. Changed the whole dynamic for me. Wish I'd listened to my gut and cancelled.

Revolvingwhore · 31/08/2022 10:34

On another note, why do people take newborns on long journeys?

SleepingStandingUp · 31/08/2022 10:36

Is it HERS or family as in her parents or shared between siblings? If its not hers alone, sister may well have sprung it on her that they've got the same dates too and no she shouldn't y be asking Your permission for her sister to use their family home

Greenpolkadot · 31/08/2022 10:37

No your no being ungrateful at all.
She might thinks it's going to be fun doing things together but despite what you say..there will be days out all five of you..restrictions with a baby..etc
Maybe you are great with kids but it wouldn't be for me

MolkosTeenageAngst · 31/08/2022 10:38

Whose family home is it? Is it hers or a family members? If it’s, for example, her parent’s home and it’s got room for several adults it may be that her sister asked the parents if she could stay in it and they said, ‘Oh yes, of course, your sister and her friend are there at the same time but there’ll be plenty of room.’ Unless it’s your friends house that she has sole ownership shes not necessarilly in control of who is able to stay there.

That said, you’re not necessarilly being unreasonable to feel upset that the vibe of the holiday has changed, but unfortunately I think that is often the case when you’re staying in someone else home. My friend went to stay in PILs second home abroad with her family, first holiday since covid, and on the second day in the PILs turned up unannounced. They could hardly tell them to leave as it’s their house but it was obviously not the holiday they had originally planned!

Next time I would suggest booking a hotel or apartment etc where extra family members are less likely to suddenly be added on to the holiday!

Brefugee · 31/08/2022 10:40

oh that sounds sucky. Can you afford a cheap hotel near the house? then say something like "it will be quite crowded, i'll stay in the hotel"?

TBH in your shoes, i really don't like other people's babies, I'd just say "sorry, too many people" and not go. You've already spent the money on the plane ticket so that's gone.

rookiemere · 31/08/2022 10:41

YANBU at all.

Adding a baby to the dynamic is a big deal, and usually something that a person would check before springing on your holiday. The generous interpretation is that your friend is an extrovert and genuinely didn't think it would be any issue for you.

Can you just suck up the loss of the flights or afford to rent your own apartment or hotel somewhere?

Arbesque · 31/08/2022 10:43

YANBU. Even if it's a family house the sister should have the common sense to realise she shouldn't be crashing in like that. Some people just lack awareness.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/08/2022 10:46

Arbesque · 31/08/2022 10:43

YANBU. Even if it's a family house the sister should have the common sense to realise she shouldn't be crashing in like that. Some people just lack awareness.

But we don't know who booked tickets when, maybe they've only just cross referenced and realised and DSIS has her own MN post saying her sis is crashing THEIR holiday with some random woman she's never met, it's their first holiday with the baby etc

Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 31/08/2022 10:57

My friends sister lives in the country so it would have been a case of my friend inviting them while she is there (its a family villa). I imagine my friend has invited them to stay so I can meet the baby. She's a first time auntie so very excited about her new nephew and probably thinks I would share the same sentiment!
I've not met her sister or partner either and as far as I can gather the villa is rather remote (we have had to oay for car hire to get around) so I don't think staying elsewhere is an option unless I want to be miles away

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 31/08/2022 11:00

It would be annoying enough if it was just other friends at the same life stage but family with a baby? That changes the whole vibe of the trip and it's shitty to just spring that on you.

dudsville · 31/08/2022 11:07

I wouldn't like it either, but I understand that some people like this way of doing stuff. Get a hotel and either tell her you need to cancel the trip (and then just go and have some quiet space to yourself in the hotel) or just visit with her on your own timetable.

jeaux90 · 31/08/2022 11:13

Not unreasonable at all.

I'm going away this weekend to a friend that lives on the coast.

I'm a single mum, work full time, DD13 has ADHD and ASD and she will stay with my sister while I go for a much needed break.

Friend told me she has volunteered me to work behind a charity event bar for two hours on Saturday morning.

I feel like cancelling.

Point is as introverts we spend a lot of our time performing, you don't want to spend downtime doing that.

I'd be tempted to not go or book into a hotel.

Haahaha · 31/08/2022 11:13

It's ridiculous now to ask for people to go abroad for a wedding. 2k, that could pay for winter heat. Unless very wealthy, it's inappropriate. Cancel today.

NewYorkLassie · 31/08/2022 11:22

Revolvingwhore · 31/08/2022 10:34

On another note, why do people take newborns on long journeys?

Why have you assumed it’s a long journey? And why not? Getting on a flight for a couple of hours is a lot easier than a long car journey in the Uk.

MugginsOverEre · 31/08/2022 11:23

Is there any way you can cancel your flights for a refund or even partial refund? There is no way I'd want to spend a holiday with strangers and a newborn and I LOVE babies. I had to cancel my hen do because a friends started inviting her workmates, friends and sisters. Extra people (strangers particularly) change the dynamics completely, especially to an introvert.

Blaengwnfi · 31/08/2022 11:25

The Sunk Cost Fallacy applies here. Check your airline/insurance policy but I suspect your money is gone.

I have severe social anxiety and a friend who often invites other people to our meet-ups without telling me. It’s really annoying and genuinely upsetting.

I’d message her and say “Hi X, I am sorry but I am really struggling with my social anxiety lately and as lovely as I’m sure your family are I just don’t think I could cope. I hope you understand”

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 31/08/2022 11:27

Christ I would go bonkers having someone else's dc landed on my holiday.
Once agreed a meal out with another couple.. Babysitter had our dc. And theirs were with dgps.
We followed them to their chosen place.
Family place with soft play attached.
I refused to get out of the car!!
😆

burnoutbabe · 31/08/2022 11:30

does this change the sleeping arrangements at all? or do you still get your own room to retreat to?

SalviaOfficinalis · 31/08/2022 11:31

Are they staying the whole time you’re there?

Very annoying situation, I think she’s been quite thoughtless. I’m not sure what you can say though… you can’t really ask her to uninvite them - would make for a very awkward holiday.

WhatNoRaisins · 31/08/2022 11:32

Jeaux90, that's ridiculous, I'd refuse to do it

ThisIsNotAFlyingToy · 31/08/2022 11:33

Sundaycoffee · 31/08/2022 10:57

My friends sister lives in the country so it would have been a case of my friend inviting them while she is there (its a family villa). I imagine my friend has invited them to stay so I can meet the baby. She's a first time auntie so very excited about her new nephew and probably thinks I would share the same sentiment!
I've not met her sister or partner either and as far as I can gather the villa is rather remote (we have had to oay for car hire to get around) so I don't think staying elsewhere is an option unless I want to be miles away

I can kind of see why she'd want to see her sister and niece in those circumstances but why not just for a few nights?

You say you're introverted. It doesn't sound like your friend is though. Do you think she's worried about that from her point of view?