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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend invited other people on holiday

123 replies

Sundaycoffee · 31/08/2022 10:23

I'm off on holiday with a friend I have known for a few years for a 5 night trip.
She has a family home abroad that she has invited me to, so I just had to book flights. I am an introvert and have been going through a bit lately with work and was really looking forward to getting away and recharging with just her.
She has just sprung it upon me a week before we leave that now her sister and her sisters boyfriend and their newborn baby will now also be joining us and "the baby is so perfect, you will love him and its going to be so much fun altogether!"
I feel like I have no say in the matter as I am staying in her accommodation but if I knew this had been the situation I probably wouldn't have agreed to the holiday and spent money on flights.
AIBU? Can I say anything or is this something I just need to suck up and say "oh how wonderful, I cant wait!"
I'm sure we will be doing stuff "just us" but it's just a total change of vibe of holiday that I wasn't expecting and it's making me feel a bit anxious.
The way I'm just told that it's happening rather than "is it ok if...?" has rubbed me up the wrong way.
Or am I being an ungrateful bitch who should just be appreciative of free holiday accommodation?

OP posts:
Calphurnia88 · 31/08/2022 13:30

It's a bit thoughtless of your friend OP but I can see exactly how this scenario happened... Friend's family own a villa, sister lives in destination country, sister's just had a newborn. Perhaps your friend's sister sprung it on your friend too, and she doesn't feel she can say no (especially if it means saying no to seeing her new niece or nephew).

How much time would you be spending at the villa OP? When my baby was tiny we struggled to get out of the house between feeds, naps, etc. So depending on whether your friend is anticipating you spend all of your time together, you might find that you and your friend end up doing your own thing a lot of the time anyway.

That said, it does massively change the vibe of the holiday and will not be the relaxing break you envisaged.

If you no longer want to go (and I can see why you wouldn't) I would just be honest and say that you were looking forward to switching off for a few days, so since there'll be other people coming you'll give it a miss and you and your friend can arrange another trip together.

You might have to accept losing the cost of the flights, but presumably you would be spending much more on food, drinks, transport, etc whilst you were there.

ShahRukhKhan · 31/08/2022 13:37

Lawks why do non-introverts always do this! I've had it so many times-- once I was helpfully told 'you could just try and not feel stressed by social things'.

YANBU

Calphurnia88 · 31/08/2022 13:51

ShahRukhKhan · 31/08/2022 13:37

Lawks why do non-introverts always do this! I've had it so many times-- once I was helpfully told 'you could just try and not feel stressed by social things'.

YANBU

I don't think OP is being unreasonable, but I don't think this is an introvert vs. extrovert thing.

I think this is a shortcoming of holidaying in someone else's family villa thing.

Dacquoise · 31/08/2022 14:11

I had this with a birthday trip to New York for someone I knew. A trip for six people turned into a group of thirteen with random people being invited by her. Birthday person's husband paid for the hotel so it felt awkward to back out. Said trip was a nightmare with some bossy so-and-so telling everyone what to do, which turned into bullying and one of the group being scapegoated. £2k of my money not experiencing New York the way I would have liked. 😣

Years later my biggest regret is not backing out as soon as it changed from the original six. So my advice is to stand up for yourself and say no thanks, it's not what you agreed to. If she kicks off (which is probably your fear) she's not your friend and what have you lost?

Hadjab · 31/08/2022 14:15

Haahaha · 31/08/2022 11:13

It's ridiculous now to ask for people to go abroad for a wedding. 2k, that could pay for winter heat. Unless very wealthy, it's inappropriate. Cancel today.

It's not a wedding...

formulatingAresponse · 31/08/2022 14:29

YANBU I would just cancel

thing47 · 31/08/2022 14:37

'Oh I was really looking forward to some peace and quiet, and some quality time with you. I'm not really up for a big family type holiday, so if that's the deal I think I'll pass, and cancel on this occasion.'

Something like that, which gets your point across without being needlessly confrontational about it?

Slopey · 31/08/2022 14:43

Are you actually going on holiday together now, or just happening to be in the same house at the same time? It's possible it'll be fine if you are just essentially sharing the main living area and kitchen.

I would say she WBU if she specifically invited her sister and family along with you, but don't assume that is what happened. Sound your friend out on how she sees it working before you decide.

motherofcatsandbears · 31/08/2022 14:57

Ah, the old switch and bait babysitter trick. Sudden Covid diagnosis I think ❤️

pippinsleftleg · 31/08/2022 14:58

jeaux90 · 31/08/2022 11:13

Not unreasonable at all.

I'm going away this weekend to a friend that lives on the coast.

I'm a single mum, work full time, DD13 has ADHD and ASD and she will stay with my sister while I go for a much needed break.

Friend told me she has volunteered me to work behind a charity event bar for two hours on Saturday morning.

I feel like cancelling.

Point is as introverts we spend a lot of our time performing, you don't want to spend downtime doing that.

I'd be tempted to not go or book into a hotel.

You should stay at home!

MyNameIsNotMichele · 31/08/2022 14:58

It sounds as though your friend has no experience of newborns if she thinks it’s going to be a cosy doddle 😂

Lovely for her perhaps, having her favourite people around, but c’mon, no one wants to holiday with someone else’s new family.

I would cancel. I would just be frank and say oh that’s a lovely thought but it isn’t going to work for me because I am feeling quite exhausted and not up to holidaying with a group.

FinallyHere · 31/08/2022 15:11

Adding a baby, however well behaved, would not work for me. I'd rather not go than share my holiday space with a baby and new parents.

For me, it's an argument in favour of not staying with friends snd their family on holiday.

billy1966 · 31/08/2022 15:13

Very rude and disrespectful.

She clearly believes providing accommodation absolves her of very basic courtesies.

I would be pissed off and if there was any way of cancelling I would.

She's really rude.

Dozycuntlaters · 31/08/2022 15:13

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable to be honest, your friend probably just wants to see her sister whilst she is there. If you really don't want to go now because of this just be honest. Do not blame Covid like many posters have suggested, just say something like you desperately need some quiet down time and you would rather go when it can just be you and her. If you have a good friendship then you should feel you can be honest with her. If I were you I would still go, make sure you get some down time when you need it and just see how it goes.

Frazzled2207 · 31/08/2022 15:17

I’d probably cancel. Whereas you can’t get your money back from the airline you might be able to change the flight to a difference time/place
I think it’s a really shitty thing to do it it was previously suggested it would just be the two of you. I think you need to be honest with your friend. She might understand and suggest a different time.

billy1966 · 31/08/2022 15:18

jeaux90 · 31/08/2022 11:13

Not unreasonable at all.

I'm going away this weekend to a friend that lives on the coast.

I'm a single mum, work full time, DD13 has ADHD and ASD and she will stay with my sister while I go for a much needed break.

Friend told me she has volunteered me to work behind a charity event bar for two hours on Saturday morning.

I feel like cancelling.

Point is as introverts we spend a lot of our time performing, you don't want to spend downtime doing that.

I'd be tempted to not go or book into a hotel.

Your friend is also a rude CF.
I would be so furious at this.

I would also cancel, last minute, and drop her in it.

The cheek.

Friends do NOT do this.

Stay home and enjoy the peace.

Mosso · 31/08/2022 15:29

I would just be honest. You've had a shit time at work and don't feel up to spending 5 days with strangers.

Book a hotel and go on your own or cancel.

saraclara · 31/08/2022 15:49

"I really appreciate that you've offered me free accommodation, and I'm sure your sister is lovely, but I'm so stressed out by the work stuff, I'm not going to be any company in a group setting, and probably a bit of a fifth wheel. I really just need to wind down, so I should probably bail/book myself some different accommodation"

MissingNashville · 31/08/2022 16:01

Unless she explicitly said it was just going to be the two of you, you’ve probably been a bit naive to think that she wouldn’t want her sister, who has a new baby, to be there too as the villa is in the country she lives in. Your friend would obviously want to take the opportunity to see her sister and family.

I can see that you’d feel disappointed as it’s likely to be a different holiday to what you were expecting. Hopefully you’ll still get time with your friend and time to relax.

billy1966 · 31/08/2022 21:00

MissingNashville · 31/08/2022 16:01

Unless she explicitly said it was just going to be the two of you, you’ve probably been a bit naive to think that she wouldn’t want her sister, who has a new baby, to be there too as the villa is in the country she lives in. Your friend would obviously want to take the opportunity to see her sister and family.

I can see that you’d feel disappointed as it’s likely to be a different holiday to what you were expecting. Hopefully you’ll still get time with your friend and time to relax.

Perhaps this is true but still very rude to allow someone to book tickets and then tell them afterwards.

The OP is still paying her own money and going to be forced to spend time with someone she doesn't know.

Very rude and disrespectful of her and the OP has every right to be pissed off.

If she had offered her free accommodation and told her that her sister will probably be there too, the OP would likely have declined.

She gave her half the information and took away the OP'S choice in the matter and only chose to fill her in after she was committed flight wise.

Rude, disrespectful behaviour.

An attitude of I have no need to offer you basic courtesies because you are staying at mine.

I would try and get out of it if I was the OP and leave her to her family get together 🙄.

whynotwhatknot · 31/08/2022 21:49

oh wow a quiet few days changed into baby led trip and crying i would pull out

knockyknees · 01/09/2022 04:29

I don't think this is an introvert vs. extrovert thing

I agree. I'm not an introvert, and I do like babies, but I'd be very pissed off if my holiday plans were changed like this. It'sa completely different holiday from the original one that the friend organised. I'd use one of the polite phrasings suggested here and cancel.

2ndrockinthepond · 01/09/2022 06:00

It could be a simple as your friend being an extrovert and finding one on one as stressful as you find more people? Generally the world is geared to extroverts rather than introverts so that it might not even have crossed her mind you’d be bothered?

oopsfellover · 01/09/2022 06:17

I wouldn’t like this either, particularly the not checking first. She perhaps has a ‘more the merrier’ mentality which not everyone would share. You’ve paid for the flights tho so I’d probably go and, as PP have said, take lots of time alone. I suppose there’s also a chance you’ll enjoy it, so try to be open to that possibility too!

Forgotthebins · 01/09/2022 06:17

It is her holiday as well - did you check that what she really wanted was to spend it quietly while you recharge? I don’t think either of you are BU, it just sounds like you have different expectations/needs. I think you are catastrophising a bit. If it is a big enough villa, like everyone has their own room, the newborn probably won’t bother you that much and your friend will probably enjoy getting out and about with you. But if you really don’t think you will enjoy it, see if your friend can rearrange her sister’s family, or you can change your flights to do something else.