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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend invited other people on holiday

123 replies

Sundaycoffee · 31/08/2022 10:23

I'm off on holiday with a friend I have known for a few years for a 5 night trip.
She has a family home abroad that she has invited me to, so I just had to book flights. I am an introvert and have been going through a bit lately with work and was really looking forward to getting away and recharging with just her.
She has just sprung it upon me a week before we leave that now her sister and her sisters boyfriend and their newborn baby will now also be joining us and "the baby is so perfect, you will love him and its going to be so much fun altogether!"
I feel like I have no say in the matter as I am staying in her accommodation but if I knew this had been the situation I probably wouldn't have agreed to the holiday and spent money on flights.
AIBU? Can I say anything or is this something I just need to suck up and say "oh how wonderful, I cant wait!"
I'm sure we will be doing stuff "just us" but it's just a total change of vibe of holiday that I wasn't expecting and it's making me feel a bit anxious.
The way I'm just told that it's happening rather than "is it ok if...?" has rubbed me up the wrong way.
Or am I being an ungrateful bitch who should just be appreciative of free holiday accommodation?

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 31/08/2022 12:06

That is shit. I'd tell her that the change didn't suit me.

IrishladyNE · 31/08/2022 12:08

I wouldn’t go but the reason Is because when my neighbours had a baby my sleep was disturbed constantly . I have my own child but she is older and now But I know the hell it is having a strangers baby wake me up if would never. I wouldn’t see that as a holiday I would definitely cancel.

Theendofnature · 31/08/2022 12:09

Could you use the flights but stay somewhere else on your own? I. E the nicest big city? Totally not what you're going for but I couldn't stand being lumped unexpectedly with a bunch of randoms either

LookItsMeAgain · 31/08/2022 12:10

I'd want to back out of the trip.

While the other people being invited are family of your friend, they are nothing to you and your friend has basically changed the holiday without running it by you.

I'd be very upset about that and would try to back out if at all possible. Can you go somewhere else?

Rounddog · 31/08/2022 12:13

I think that was shit of your friend and thoughtless to expect you to be happy with this significant change in plans. It is a difficult one though because it is her holiday too and she is entitled to do as she pleases with her own property. I would still go, ideally I would book a separate hotel and meet up with your friend once or twice but otherwise I would spend a lot of time alone in the room or out and about rather than going along with group plans. A baby completely changes the dynamic of an adult holiday.

TheOriginalClownfish · 31/08/2022 12:18

Not that it matters, but the baby lives in the destination country.
So it's just OP and her friend who are flying there - the sister and her family are meeting them there as they live a short distance away...

Brigante9 · 31/08/2022 12:27

Will you be expected to coo over the baby? I just couldn’t feign interest in a stranger’s baby.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 31/08/2022 12:30

Totally thoughtless of your friend such a tricky situation for you. I think it's really important not to say "Oh how wonderful!" when you really don't feel like that. Nobody benefits from that; she won't learn and you'll probably be resentful.
I'd say that you can see how important it is for her to spend time with the new baby, but you're not sure if you'll be able to do that much people-time so you're looking into alternative places to stay; can she suggest anywhere?

StaunchMomma · 31/08/2022 12:31

It's an unfortunate situation as I'm sure you don't really want to lie by making us an excuse for not going but if you're honest she's likely to take it the wrong way.

I certainly wouldn't be happy with this arrangement either. It's difficult for people to understand if they themselves aren't introverted or socially anxious. This would literally ruin a holiday for me and at the end of the day, this is supposed to be something to look forward to, not dread!

I think I'd probably 'get Covid', cancel the flight and then later when she makes noises about 'what a shame it is' comment on how you would have found it awkward being there with people you don't know anyway.

Your friend has been out of order changing the goal posts, OP.

If you don't want to go, don't go.

Book yourself a lovely little airbnb somewhere and go chill for a few days.

JacquelineCarlyle · 31/08/2022 12:36

I agree @10HailMarys - it's totally unfair to spring that on the Op at this stage. I wouldn't like that at all.

Have you also contributed to the car hire Op?

Sounds like your friend wants a companion for the holiday and to share costs with (car hire / taxis etc) but the real purpose is to see her sister and her new nephew.

Have you checked your insurance? Is there any way you can get a refund or defer the flights?

StaunchMomma · 31/08/2022 12:37

@jeaux90

Point is as introverts we spend a lot of our time performing, you don't want to spend downtime doing that.

This.

So utterly this!!!

Goosygandy · 31/08/2022 12:41

jeaux90 · 31/08/2022 11:13

Not unreasonable at all.

I'm going away this weekend to a friend that lives on the coast.

I'm a single mum, work full time, DD13 has ADHD and ASD and she will stay with my sister while I go for a much needed break.

Friend told me she has volunteered me to work behind a charity event bar for two hours on Saturday morning.

I feel like cancelling.

Point is as introverts we spend a lot of our time performing, you don't want to spend downtime doing that.

I'd be tempted to not go or book into a hotel.

Just say it's a lovely idea but you need a break and can't do the volunteering, sorry. It's not a favour for someone to put you up but then volunteer you for something. If they don't have kids with special needs they might not get it but a bit of empathy would go a long way here.

I remember having a film night organised that I was really looking forward to as I had young children at the time. Without asking me my friend invited her sister and her son, which changed the vibe completely and became all about him and his needs/wants. I was gutted!

Would your friend get huffy if you said something?

StaunchMomma · 31/08/2022 12:42

Lolojojonesi · 31/08/2022 11:49

Wow, all these replies seem so misanthropic and just plain ungrateful. If you're staying for free at a friend's home, you fit in with what they want to do, surely? Her sister and family may well be lovely. You can coo over the baby then give it back, it's not like you're babysitting for the week. I stayed at a friend's house this summer and, unbeknownst to us, his niece and her boyfriend were there. It was lovely.

Did you miss the part where the Op said she was an introvert?

You don't get to throw labels around because you don't suffer with social anxiety.

BeesKnee · 31/08/2022 12:45

A friend did this to me once.

I was going through a tough time after a bad break up so the idea of a holiday with her extended family was hell to me.

I told her I didn’t feel up to a big group holiday as I thought it would just be the two of us relaxing.
And said I would book something for myself separately, I couldn’t afford it, which she knew, I had to take out a credit card to pay for it.
but it was worth it not to have to stay with the extended family she invited.

VictoriaConcordiaCrescit · 31/08/2022 12:49

I wouldn't go

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 31/08/2022 12:50

I wouldn't go, I don't like babies so that would totally ruin it for me, especially as you say your friend is so excited to be a auntie and would probably offer to babysitting.

Fuck that shit, I'd be having a word and telling her what you've said in your OP - that you were looking it forward to it being just her and you were wanting to relax after your tough time at work.

Sharrowgirl · 31/08/2022 12:50

Difficult one. She’s been a bit thoughtless but not nasty. I don’t think you can say anything though as you’re there at her invitation.

will you have your own room? If so, and you can reasonably go off on your own when you want, I’d go and make the best of it.

if not, time to be honest with your friend and cancel, and see what you can get back from the airline.

Frizzzmonster · 31/08/2022 12:51

If I was you I would do my research on the area and work out as many activities you can do on your own and stick to your boundaries. Maybe do like alternate days of being with them and then a day on your own thing.

You might want to pre warn her about this. Like oh I've seen that they do X there so I'm going to book that so I can give you some family time and I can recharge on my own.

Darkness22 · 31/08/2022 12:54

If you think you can eke out any sort of holiday, then go. If not, then cancel. I didn't even want to go away with my own babies, let aline someone else's.

You could be frank and say, look it's not what I had in mind, is there any compromise to be had? Can sis come for 2 nights?

saraclara · 31/08/2022 12:55

The sister lives in the same country. Of course she wants to visit OP's friend in their family villa. Presumably they don't get to see each other often.

Yes, I'd be really disappointed in your position, OP. But I don't think there's anything you can day or do that won't sound unreasonable.

I'd see how much car hire is, if the villa is very rural. If you have your own transport then at least you can escape them.

RiverSkater · 31/08/2022 13:12

@jeaux90 that count you made about introverts,

'Point is as introverts we spend a lot of our time performing, you don't want to spend downtime doing that.'

That is so spot on, thank you, sums up how many people feel. I love asking people but it's a performance every time.

OP YANBU. I would hate that, getting to know new people on holiday? A new born. Just no. No no no.

I hope you can use the air tickets for something else. 🙏

RiverSkater · 31/08/2022 13:12

Point, not count!!

Pebble55 · 31/08/2022 13:17

YABU. It's her place, she can invite who she wants. Why do self-proclaimed 'introverts' always expect everyone else to dance to their tune?

Dahlia444 · 31/08/2022 13:21

StaunchMomma · 31/08/2022 12:42

Did you miss the part where the Op said she was an introvert?

You don't get to throw labels around because you don't suffer with social anxiety.

Show quote history

There's a big difference between being an introvert (I very much am one) and having social anxiety (I live with someone with this). The OP hasn't said she has social anxiety, just that she's an introvert and now she's feeling a bit anxious about the trip.

In your position OP I would go, enjoy the sun, enjoy your friends company, take books. Unless you've heard bad things about her sister she is probably lovely and they may well add pleasure and interest to your life rather than the doom and gloom prophecy of ruining your holiday. Lying to a friend to get out of it as so many posters are recommending will likely be found out and ruin the friendship. Probably not worth it unless you don't value her as a friend. You can always decline (or book an apartment for 2) another time.

Whataretheodds · 31/08/2022 13:30

Suggest you
say to your friend gosh! That's quite different from the trip i had anticipated. Do you think it will still be possible to get time alone and for us to do things just the two of us? Ive been under it a fair bit recently and not sure how good I'll be at company.
(do you still get your own room?)
(still possible to go off on your own for walks? Cycling? Could you hire a car?)
(investigate possibility of moving /changing your flights.

It's a family villa so slightly different protocols but that doesn't have to mean your holiday is screwed. Talk to her.