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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend invited other people on holiday

123 replies

Sundaycoffee · 31/08/2022 10:23

I'm off on holiday with a friend I have known for a few years for a 5 night trip.
She has a family home abroad that she has invited me to, so I just had to book flights. I am an introvert and have been going through a bit lately with work and was really looking forward to getting away and recharging with just her.
She has just sprung it upon me a week before we leave that now her sister and her sisters boyfriend and their newborn baby will now also be joining us and "the baby is so perfect, you will love him and its going to be so much fun altogether!"
I feel like I have no say in the matter as I am staying in her accommodation but if I knew this had been the situation I probably wouldn't have agreed to the holiday and spent money on flights.
AIBU? Can I say anything or is this something I just need to suck up and say "oh how wonderful, I cant wait!"
I'm sure we will be doing stuff "just us" but it's just a total change of vibe of holiday that I wasn't expecting and it's making me feel a bit anxious.
The way I'm just told that it's happening rather than "is it ok if...?" has rubbed me up the wrong way.
Or am I being an ungrateful bitch who should just be appreciative of free holiday accommodation?

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 01/09/2022 06:19

I'd be unhappy too. Rather than a relaxing break with someone who knows me I'd have to be in nicey nicey social mode. And that's without a crying baby in the mix.

I'd probably firstly find out how many nights sister and baby are staying. It might not be for the whole holiday.

I'd then consider cancelling if the flights weren't too expensive.

The problem is the potential fall out with your friendship either way. Cancelling could cause offence, but so could 'going for a lie down" to escape too often. Tricky.

supersop60 · 01/09/2022 06:32

thing47 · 31/08/2022 14:37

'Oh I was really looking forward to some peace and quiet, and some quality time with you. I'm not really up for a big family type holiday, so if that's the deal I think I'll pass, and cancel on this occasion.'

Something like that, which gets your point across without being needlessly confrontational about it?

This is very good. Its honest, but gentle, which is often the best way.

Meraas · 01/09/2022 06:43

supersop60 · 01/09/2022 06:32

This is very good. Its honest, but gentle, which is often the best way.

Show quote history

But why should OP cancel? She will lose flight money.

As friend has been thoughtless, Op should be a bit selfish and use this friend’s home as a base for her holiday. She should let her friend know she was looking forward to spending time with her but otherwise go on the holiday, and just have clear boundaries so she’s not having to coo over the baby all day.

She should use the hire car to get out and about (with or without friend).

Alaimo · 01/09/2022 06:51

I sympathise, my friend does stuff like this all the time. When we arrange to go for dinner or drinks I'll usually I'll often get a message half an hour before we meet saying "I've also invited so and so, hope that's okay". She's also invited me to go on a holiday with her and another friend once where it became clear the other friend had just wanted it to be the two of them and wasn't too happy about a 3rd person being invited. I don't think it's malice, my friend is just a very sociable person and a the more the merrier type, and struggles to understand not everyone is like that.

Y7drama · 01/09/2022 06:52

I can see how it happened, friend presumably won’t see much of her sister and nephew if they live in another country, so two birds one stone but it is really unfair on you. It’s a completely different holiday from what you signed up for. Could you change the flights and do something else? I know it’s more cost but may be worth it.

Babyboomtastic · 01/09/2022 06:53

Revolvingwhore · 31/08/2022 11:51

I wouldn't have inflicted either of my newborns on a plane full of people.

Show quote history

I went abroad with my 6wo. She didn't even wake on the way out and was awake but content on the way back

There's no reason for parents to be stuck close to home. If baby cries, it cries, but curves are it went, at least for a lot of the journey.

It's far easier to travel when they are newborns than older babies or toddlers.

I wouldn't be happy with the change in plan, but more because of the other adults than the baby.

Footbal · 01/09/2022 06:54

YANBU

I would hate this. I'm an introvert too and would not enjoy this holiday situation. You could just cancel and see if you can get a refund on the flight.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 01/09/2022 06:57

Pebble55 · 31/08/2022 13:17

YABU. It's her place, she can invite who she wants. Why do self-proclaimed 'introverts' always expect everyone else to dance to their tune?

It’s not about the OP expecting anyone to ‘dance to her tune’. It’s about having made arrangements and expecting the other person to stick to them.

If OP’s friend had said ‘Sis and BIL are coming to the villa with the new baby - do you fancy joining us for a few days?’, then fine - the OP had a clear choice to accept or decline the offer. To just be told it’s happening whether she likes it or not is a bit shit, frankly.

FabFitFifties · 01/09/2022 07:04

I think your friend may have had no choice,if the villa is a free for all, for the whole family. FWIW I would feel exactly the same. I have cancelled/declined meet ups for same reasons. Those focusing on travel with a baby - the baby lives in the same country.

lemmein · 01/09/2022 07:33

Eurgh, I've got a friend like this who adds people on to trips last minute, it's very annoying! She's never added a newborn baby though, that would be too far, even for her.

YANBU - I'd cancel.

MRex · 01/09/2022 07:58

The villa belongs to her family, it's a bit strange that you think you get priority over her sister in staying there. She's just happy to see her sister too. Being somewhere remote might get a bit claustrophobic with just one other person, that's the type of intimacy that usually only works in very good relationships. If you really can't bear other people then you'll have to delicately pull out. It's only 5 days though, and you might find you actually enjoy it.

Notfancyfree · 01/09/2022 09:24

I've stayed at my friends Villa many times and have always accepted that other people might be invited and I have no say. The power balance shifts when the property isn't yours! The only time I politely excused myself was when my friend suggested, soon before we left, I could spend chunks of the day with her toddler daughter so she could have quality time with her husband. No thanks!
in this case either enjoy it or explain honestly and politely. you will give it a miss this time as you arent up to socialising. But definitely don't say anything that suggests you are annoyed the sister is coming!

MRex · 01/09/2022 09:32

@Notfancyfree - your friend has offered you multiple free holidays but you weren't willing to offer up one babysitting session?!?! You get a holiday and she gets to... watch you have it! Within your rights obviously, but that does come across as a bit selfish to be honest. When I took my sister and her kids away, I babysat so she could have time off, and that was when I was paying. I really can't imagine not having offered to let a parent have one lunch or night out in your situation, where you're literally sharing their holiday.

Meraas · 01/09/2022 09:33

MRex · 01/09/2022 07:58

The villa belongs to her family, it's a bit strange that you think you get priority over her sister in staying there. She's just happy to see her sister too. Being somewhere remote might get a bit claustrophobic with just one other person, that's the type of intimacy that usually only works in very good relationships. If you really can't bear other people then you'll have to delicately pull out. It's only 5 days though, and you might find you actually enjoy it.

OP has not asked to be prioritised. It’s clear that dsis and BIL attending is a new development as OP says the friend has announced a week before that they are ‘now joining’.

It’s very thoughtless to invite OP on a holiday for just 2 of them and then to change it, with no apology.

WhatNoRaisins · 01/09/2022 10:13

It's all in the phrasing, "I'm inviting some people to my villa in x, would you like to join?" means you expect that there will be other people. "Would you like to come with me and hang out at my villa" means you wouldn't. It's not unreasonable to want to make an informed choice before you commit to something.

TootsAtOwls · 02/09/2022 08:25

motherofcatsandbears · 31/08/2022 14:57

Ah, the old switch and bait babysitter trick. Sudden Covid diagnosis I think ❤️

This! I'd be worried they'll expect you to babysit. Because you're so grateful for a "free holiday"

JudgeJ · 02/09/2022 19:41

Revolvingwhore · 31/08/2022 10:34

On another note, why do people take newborns on long journeys?

It's easier to take a very small baby on a long trip than a wriggly toddler! I know that the MN view is that anything more than 15 miniutes is a long journey but it's really not hard travelling with a baby, just needs organisation.

FangsForTheMemory · 02/09/2022 20:05

Ugh, don't go. I had a friend do this and the extra person she invited was a bloke! Three of us in a hotel room on a Mediterranean island for two weeks. By the end of the second day, he wasn't speaking to me (he got drunk and slapped my arse) and by the end of the first week, my friend wasn't speaking to him either.

2bazookas · 02/09/2022 20:28

Just say "Oh. sorry, that's not what I had in mind at all. " then either, cancel your flight. Or, keep the flight but arrange your own accommodation for a solo hol,iday.

Xandersun · 04/09/2022 17:26

Yes. This is the perfect plan to not lose your money and still recover a portion of your vacation. I think it would only be unreasonable to not try to find a creative solution to the problem. Because even though what the friend did was not considerate, it is unreasonable to assume that when you are being given a "free lunch", that there might not be some strings attached (like giving up some control).

On the flipside, the friend is getting the "freebie" of companionship and entertainment she doesn't have to pay for. She may also not get what she was expecting (a friend who ditches the group for vast stretches of time to get needed "me" time). But that is not only the risk she took, but also the universe balancing out the friend's own inconsiderate actions.

Notfancyfree · 05/09/2022 07:57

MRex · 01/09/2022 09:32

@Notfancyfree - your friend has offered you multiple free holidays but you weren't willing to offer up one babysitting session?!?! You get a holiday and she gets to... watch you have it! Within your rights obviously, but that does come across as a bit selfish to be honest. When I took my sister and her kids away, I babysat so she could have time off, and that was when I was paying. I really can't imagine not having offered to let a parent have one lunch or night out in your situation, where you're literally sharing their holiday.

There's a difference between helping and being asked along as as an unofficial babysitter.

SiobhanSharpe · 11/01/2023 16:27

I would be very unhappy at this, two parents with their newborn changes the entire dynamic of the holiday -- it will mostly revolve around the baby now and is completely different from the OP's expected break for just her and her friend.

Given the info, I would not be at all surprised if OP's friend also volunteers the two of them for babysitting duties a couple of times to give the new parents some time off.😒

SiobhanSharpe · 11/01/2023 16:42

Shit. Just seen how old this thread is. Gah.

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