To ask how you feel as the OW

[Hurt1987]

I’ve name changed as I’ve got friends who know my regular username but I’m not ready to discuss this in real life as my DH cheated on me earlier this year and I’m really struggling to come to terms with it. I’ve done the opposite of what everyone on here suggests and have stayed. Mainly for the kids. It’s hard to just walk away. Anyway that aside, I want to know how the other woman feels. Unfortunately, without going into detail, I have to see her every bloody day!! It’s hard! I’m embarrassed! I know I shouldn’t be but I feel like a mug for still being married to him and her knowing that I’ve chosen to stay. I just want to know if she’s embarrassed too? Is she mortified for being caught? Is she embarrassed that I know what she has done. Is she worried I’ll tell her DH? Is she annoyed that he’s chosen his wife? It’s driving me crazy and I suppose I just want to know that she’s feeling crap too or if you’re the OW are you not bothered about these things? My profession means I have to be dignified and say nothing but my god I want to out her behaviour to the world! Please help me make sense of this. Hopefully some OW are on here and can give me an insight into how your brain is wired because I really don’t understand it.😡

Following as I am also dealing with the fallout of my husband’s affair. DM me if you want to talk, I could do with some support

I think every “OW” is going to be different. OP.

Some will be mortified. Deeply embarrassed. Ashamed. Others will have a bit of guilt, but in time will let it go. And some others just won’t give a shit. There will be a lot of narcissist OW that won’t shed an inch of empathy for the wife. They only care about themselves, their feelings and their needs.

Tbh OP. You’ll never truly know how this OW in relation to you feels. Even if you talk to her. Ask her questions. It’s very unlikely you’ll ever understand why she did it or how she feels. And if you do know, will it make you feel any better? Because I don’t think it will.

You’ll never make sense of it.

My personal opinion is once a cheat always a cheat. If my DH had an affair, there would be no going back. No second chances. The trust has been broke. More anger should be towards him. Not her. He broke your trust. He broke your vows.

Been on both sides of this.

I was never bothered about the OW, only my dh for cheating. She had her reasons but I wasn't interested in them

As the OW though, he is mine emotionally and their marriage is a sham. If he chose her if found out I would just think he was stupid. More likely though we would just wait a few months then start back up again. He was serially unfaithful so if it wasn't me he would look for someone else once things quietened down. They are mostly a marriage of convenience these days.

Are you sure it's over?

I didn’t care about his wife. After DTD he would say oh I shouldn’t have done that! But he always came back. He’d be out with me and call his wife and tell her he was working late and he was sleeping at work. She believed him. A lot of people knew about us.
I got pregnant, terminated because he kept on at me about how it would kill him having to tell her. For weeks none stop.

when it ended I set her a message on
SM and told her everything. I wouldn’t have said a word but I was so messed up I wanted him to hurt as much as I did

I've realised after a few years distance, that I was being recruited as an OW by a man when I was stupider younger. I didn't bite but it did give me perspective.

He had the whole script. She was [insert bullshit] and I was [the opposite]. He was by turns warm and twinkly, then dark and cold. He liked all the same things as me. And on and on.

If I had bitten, it would have been about 1% my fault and 99% his. I probably would have felt used and embarrassed but not because I was the OW. More because he was a tool, looking back. BTW I was half his age and he was my supervisor. Yuk. He had kids, I didn't.

It depends on the affair. If it’s just sex then the other woman doesn’t really care about the wife or that he loves her or has chosen her, she’s just part and parcel of it and the OW doesn’t really think much about her from what I know.

if it’s an affair where they have fallen in love then I imagine the ow still wouldn’t care much either to be honest, but I’m not talking from experience so don’t know, only what OW who I know said.

Op if I can give you some advice, don’t think twice about the OW. She may have known he was still with you or she may not. It doesn’t matter.
I took my DH back and he did it again. I beat myself up wondering what was wrong with how I looked/acted/was and spent hours trying to track down the OW to compare myself to her.
in the end I asked him to leave. I could never trust him again and shock after a few years, he’s back with the OW and still begging for sex from me.
Concentrate on yourself and your marriage (if that’s why you want).
i always say, ‘ the best revenge is a life well lived’ and I live by that motto daily. Good luck.

With kindness OP, would it really help if you did know? It wouldn’t change what happened, and we could only speculate as the only person who truly knows how she feels is her. I know it’s so hard to think about anything else, but you’re just torturing yourself.

I'm going to get flames for this but I was the OW for a few years while I was single myself. We met every 3 or 4 months in a hotel. I never once saw a long term relationship, neither did he. We were both a bit of fun and excitement for each other but it was only sex. His wife was more fun, more successful, more beautiful and overall he was punching above his weight. He made no secret of the fact that he would always choose her and I think that's why I felt safe in the affair. It's been several years since we met up like that and we're just friends now.

I was utterly infatuated with him, and it started when I was taking drugs and being generally self-destructive. I spent 3 years feeling guilty for loving someone I shouldn’t be with. But I did love him, deeply. He was married to a functional alcoholic, and he talked about her a little - not much - I felt like it would be prying to ask questions, which probably sounds a bit odd considering we were having an affair. I don’t think I really understood what things were like for him at home: she died suddenly you see. She just collapsed one day and was gone. For months he was a shell of himself, and I was there for him as much as I could be, while the guilt started eating me alive. I loved him, and I know he loved me: it wasn’t enough - too much pain and guilt wrecked what we had eventually.

The situation’s aren’t alike, I never met her, and I wasn’t with anyone when I started seeing him. That’s all … you asked.

Thanks for your messages. I suppose you’re right. I’ll never really know. I guess I was hoping you would all say you felt guilty, ashamed etc and that clearly isn’t the case as she knew exactly what she was doing so why would she care. She swans about as if nothing has happened and I just want to punch her in the face! Unhelpful I know. This is completely outing but I might as well tell you for context, I’m her daughter’s teacher!!!!!

Also, I know my DH is very much to blame and how I feel about him requires another thread 🙄

The mother of one of your students?! By god, an affair is bad but he's literally took a steaming watery cholera shit on your feet and left you to clean it up. That is absolutely unforgivable.

Six years ago, my exH got close to a woman at his work (I had met her on a few occasions) before he announced he was leaving and I found out the affair and all the horrible details and lies. He's still with her so I can only assume they really did fall in love and they feel the same way now.

I went through the whole wanting to punch her in the face thing at the time but I didn't do anything other than phone her (once). My exH was always a bit shady - it wouldn't surprise me if he had told her lots of horrid stuff about me in order to gain her sympathy. When I spoke to her on the phone (after I'd found all the text messages) I got very upset - she was a bit sheepish and even sympathetic(!) - but it still didn't stop them! I asked my exH how could she live with herself knowing that he was married with a two year old and he said 'well obviously, it doesn't sit well'!

The whole experience was deeply humiliating.

It’s about excitement, novelty and variety. It’s not necessarily a reflection on you. Some people really crave novelty, I am one of them.

My personal opinion is once a cheat always a cheat.

Absolutely. Mine waited 18 years to do it again. Wish I never stayed. My advice to anyone newly in that situation is not to. Because you'll just waste more time... Or he'll never get caught again either way it will happen.

🌸

Oh my god, you have to teach her daughter, what a bitch. Urgh.

You should speak to your Head & tell her about the affair in confidence.

In those circumstances we would absolutely move the child to a different class in at all possible.

I suspect most do not care, its as simple as that.

I hope you told your headteacher what happening here, surely the child should be moved classes or you?

If they know he's married with kids then hopefully they feel like the pieces of shit they are.

@Hurt1987 agree with earlier poster, you really must speak to the head in confidence and explain the situation. It is a conflict of interest for you to teach her child and intolerable for you. They will need to find the best way to manage the situation discreetly and sensitively.

I was in a similar situation professionally in terms of crossing paths with one of the OW ex had affairs with. I had to disclose what happened due to company policy... she was moved on which made my ex husband utterly livid. In her case I also didn't have the opportunity to escape how she felt about it all.. she was so brazen, self righteous, made it clear to whomever would listen that she was entirely entitled to my husband & indeed how awful / pathetic she thought I was. I wanted to dig a hole and climb into it. Thankfully she was the last one I had to endure as our relationship ended. I kicked myself for having stayed before but at the time it was the right decision.

Very different in my circumstance because I had no idea he was still married; he was a very good liar to both me and his wife. But no, I didn't feel any guilt when I found out. I do know that in the last 2 years since we broke up, he has had several other affairs. I was going to say he learnt nothing, but actually he got cleverer about hiding it, so he did learn something.

I have NC for this post specifically as I don't want to out myself as a regular user.
I am currently an OW and at the moment, I feel emotionally wrought.
I go through peaks and troughs where there is overwhelming guilt and then elations when we are together and nothing else matters.
I don't see MM v often, around once a month.
The circumstances in which led us to becoming what we are (an affair) are that he went on a dating app whilst he was separated and met me, we dated for a few months and his wife found out and has basically told him what he stands to lose so he went back to the marriage.
We both agreed to cut ties but we were not able to keep away from each other.
I love him and I know that he loves me.
I have believed everything he has told me in that his marriage is not happy and it is sexless (she is 15 years older than him)
I know it's wrong and he knows it' wrong, but we haven't managed to stop yet.
We're so happy when we're together and know it's cruel and selfish and could stand to hurt many people.
I am single and have a small child but I am not married or in a relationship so I don't stand to lose anything...
We talk on his way to work, at lunch, he face times me every day before he leaves and we speak all the way up to him going home and he deletes everything.
He sends me a good night message every evening which I never reply to as I don't want to get him in trouble.
His wife has had suspicions and when he told her about me he said he loved me and wanted to be with me but also didn't want to walk away from his child having both parents at home.
As the OW, I do feel very guilty and I do know it is wrong, I am not under any illusions - it would be far easier if it was just a physical affair, but it is deeply emotional.
I also do not want him to leave his home and family life for me and I am happy with the logistics of being the OW but it is the emotional side that gets me the most.
Anyway, I haven't posted this for a flaming - it's just to give you a perspective also of how an OW may feel.

NC for this I was the OW to be honest when he used to prattle on about how his wife didn't understand him I'd switch off. He had cheated numerous times I was not the only one. She was quite a lot older than him and I was quite a bit younger than him . We had chemistry and a laugh but I didn't want to steal him away. I was terribly selfish but yes I don't understand why she stayed she has a good job. If she confronted me I would just block her it was years ago and he's probably cheating now with someone else.

She tracks his phone and all sorts it's not a way to live. I feel desperately sorry for her that I was selfish partaking but he will never be faithful.