To ask how you feel as the OW

[Hurt1987]

I’ve name changed as I’ve got friends who know my regular username but I’m not ready to discuss this in real life as my DH cheated on me earlier this year and I’m really struggling to come to terms with it. I’ve done the opposite of what everyone on here suggests and have stayed. Mainly for the kids. It’s hard to just walk away. Anyway that aside, I want to know how the other woman feels. Unfortunately, without going into detail, I have to see her every bloody day!! It’s hard! I’m embarrassed! I know I shouldn’t be but I feel like a mug for still being married to him and her knowing that I’ve chosen to stay. I just want to know if she’s embarrassed too? Is she mortified for being caught? Is she embarrassed that I know what she has done. Is she worried I’ll tell her DH? Is she annoyed that he’s chosen his wife? It’s driving me crazy and I suppose I just want to know that she’s feeling crap too or if you’re the OW are you not bothered about these things? My profession means I have to be dignified and say nothing but my god I want to out her behaviour to the world! Please help me make sense of this. Hopefully some OW are on here and can give me an insight into how your brain is wired because I really don’t understand it.😡

I said YABU to use your DC as an excuse to stay with a cheat. You need to own your decision to stay with him and not hide behind your DC.

Are you really happy with this man? Has he actually shown you an remorse for his actions and is he making you feel loved every day. Or are you expected to get over it and keep seeing this lady every day. I would stop focussing on her- it was your DH who destroyed your relationship

I hope you’re teaching her not to be a bitch like her mother.

I’ve been in the same position recently (discovered DH had an affair with a coworker) but “lucky” in the sense that the OW has relocated to another country so is well and truly out of our lives. I find myself obsessing over her though, but I know how unhelpful it is. Like you, DH and I have decided to stay together (I’d really recommend Shirley Glass’s book “Not Just Friends” by the way, if you need help navigating this process) and I know I need to be focused on us and our relationship - she has no bearing on whether we stay together and what our relationship looks like moving forward. It must be so hard having to see her every day at work though - I’m so sorry.

I was the OW, while married, with my friend's husband. I felt hideously guilty about it while it was going on, then when it all came out I was physically sickened by what I had done. I felt far more guilty about my friend than my then husband - she had done nothing to deserve it, whereas he was an emotionally abusive serial cheater (who still didn't deserve it, nobody does, I should have just left). Somehow, she forgave me (saying that if it had been anyone else but her husband she would have been glad I was out of my marriage) and she's still with her husband. It was over a decade ago. I still feel guilty and hate what I did.

Why should you be embarrassed, it's her who should be. I doubt someone with such little morals and scant integrity as an OW gives a shit though OP.

The OW feels shame and low self esteem. They might not be aware of these but it will be there deep down. They might not realised that they were the OW but still stayed in a relationship where they were not a priority for his time.

What an awful predicament @Hurt1987

Have you just started teaching the child? Is it just for this academic year?
How will you manage Parents Evening? I do think you need to raise this with your SLT as its not fair on you.

If you are happy to answer some wider questions - how do you feel about the child? and how did the OW and your DH meet? How did you find out?

You have absolutely nothing to feel bad or guilty or ashamed about. If this woman ever dares to mention you being pathetic staying with your DH then you look her in the eye and tell her she should be licking your boots as you decided not to make your knowledge public to her husband !!!

However the ultimate issue is your DH as it's his betrayal that has put you in this awkward and uncomfortable situation. You have decided to work on your marriage, which is your choice but I hope he is moving Heaven and Earth to try and rebuild your trust in him.

Just to add I've never been the OW. I was "double dated" when I was in my early 20's. I had a few dates with a guy who turned out to have a GF (away at Uni).... he got told to fuck right off.

The ow in my case doesn't give a shiny shit. She got what she wanted. She got my ex husband

I think she will still be open to carrying on the affair, so watch out. After divorcing my husband, I would get panic attacks if I saw the OW around, this was 4 years later, so I resolved that I would make a point of acknowledging her and speaking politely when I came across her in the neighbourhood (she was the mother of one of my sons school friends) I did this and we had a pleasant chat, I asked how she and her family were doing, and told her I was getting married to my second husband the next month, and also that my exhusband was engaged and seemed happy.
The next weekend my son visited his dad, and returned to tell me his dad and the OW were moving in together, along with her 3 year old daughter, her other children stayed with their dad. It seemed they had never stopped their affair, but she didn't know about his engagement.

If anyone reading this has been the OW who was also married with children, but has stayed with the AP, do you trust your partner not to do the same and cheat on you? Honest question but do you trust eachother?

My ex cheated with a co worker and they're now together. Minus their respective eldest children who have distanced themselves, and see their younger DC's with their ex's once a fortnight. Can you ever truly be happy? Does a leopard ever change its spots? Do you miss your children?

Only time will tell but these are the questions I occasionally think about. Especially because ex H had a GF when we got together (not that I was aware of at the time).

Never been the OW but I have friends/acquaintances that have.

Really depends on the woman. Some DGAF and even enjoy the 'excitement' (🤢) of being the OW. Others had been totally hoodwinked by the man, who told them their marriage was all but over and sold them all sorts of false promises about a future together.

Just as not all relationships are the same, not all affairs are either. Other than the partner conducting the affair being a grade a wanker.

OP I had similar, I don't want to give details but for a time I had to see OW. Not school related but I worked in a HP surgery and she and her kids came in often. It struck me though, one day when I was try to be calm, dignified, that this feeling would never leave me as long as I had her in my orbit. So she had to go. The quickest, most immediately effective route for me was telling her husband or telling her I would tell him if she didn't remove herself. I know him and he'd have been mortified. So I told her I would tell him, she made arrangements to not be in my space , changed to a neighbouring practice and I didn't have to see her. I could relax at work after tat. I told him anyway.

GP surgery

The OW will have created an image of you in her head. It may well involve you being deficient in some way. Not having enough sex with him, not devoting enough time to him, not being a good enough housewife or cook, not caring for him when he is ill, or any other number of similar scenarios.

Sometimes this image is formed based on how the OW interprets what the MM says about his wife. E.g. 'she's out again tonight', the OW will interpret the wife as being a selfish party girl who leaves him alone in the evening.

Sometimes the OW won't need any encouragement to form a negative image of the wife; her sub-conscious guilt reflex will create an imaginary harridan.

The OW will be thinking these types of things until the MM breaks up with her then, depending upon the circumstances of the break-up, she will either continue to believe in the image she has created, or, she might start to revise her image of you. You might actually become human in her eyes, she might start to confront her guilt, she might start to feel ashamed at what she has done, or sorry for you.

If OW knew you would be teaching her own daughter I would suggest this raises her level of selfishness to a whole new level. I am not saying any teacher would let this influence his or her professionalism, but if I was a OW parent I would not want to risk anything that could affect my child's education. That would include steering clear of shagging the husband of any member of staff at the school of my child.

I'm sorry you got hurt;these men often have a bundle of stereotypical excuses.we're together for the kids;I love her but I'm not in love with her;we sleep separately,she doesn't understand me,I'm unhappy....................

It was right to tell her not because you wanted him to hurt but because she needed to know;if I was the wife I'd want to know.

The irony is these men desperately don't want their partners to find out but cheat anyway.

I was the OW about 5 years ago, his wife found out and put it all over social media. He told he he was in love with me (I wasn’t in love with him, it was just sex) she started threatening me and I had to get the police involved so she would leave me alone.
Looking back, it was an incredibly stupid thing to do and I would never do it again but I’m not ashamed - I see it as a life lesson learned. They got back together and act like the perfect family on SM again, I’m more embarrassed for her that she got back with him after the whole SM post, I totally understand why she wrote it but to get back with him after that I found bizarre.

I just want to know if she’s embarrassed too? Is she mortified for being caught? Is she embarrassed that I know what she has done. Is she worried I’ll tell her DH? Is she annoyed that he’s chosen his wife? It’s driving me crazy and I suppose I just want to know that she’s feeling crap too or if you’re the OW are you not bothered about these things?

I'll bite. I have been the OW. I ended up admitting it to my DH. Was I embarrassed, mortified, worried, annoyed...no. I was none of those things. And in all honesty, I never thought about his wife. As harsh as that sounds. We weren't friends, I never had to see her, she really had no bearing on my day to day life but your situation is a bit different. There's every chance you DH's OW has just moved on and doesn't really think about it at all.

The OW will have created an image of you in her head. It may well involve you being deficient in some way. Not having enough sex with him, not devoting enough time to him, not being a good enough housewife or cook, not caring for him when he is ill, or any other number of similar scenarios.

As someone who has been an OW, I don't agree. I didn't create any image of his wife. I just didn't think about her at all. What was going on in their life really didn't make any difference to me, I didn't need to feel like his wife depriving him of something just to justify it to myself. It's not always that deep!

Why are you embarrassed for her?!

People and situations change all the time. When people are betrayed they have to allow their bodies to process that betrayal. That may well show in angry rants in SM posts as well as face-to-face threats and confrontations.

A betrayal is like a type of death so it is natural to experience the stages of grief.

She's obviously reached the acceptance stage so, rather than feel embarrassed for her, feel happy that this woman has been able to process the injustice done to her, and that she is strong enough to come out the other side.

I don't believe that a OW never thinks about the wife. That would make OW a psychopath. They are incredibly rare in society.

I'm sorry OP. I have always said if my DH cheats, he can bugger off.

The reason for this, I have self-respect and if he cheats then he clearly has zero respect for me.

I'm not judging you for staying but I think it's sad. Children are not silly. They will pick up on your unhappiness.

I'm assuming she's another Mum at school (just a guess but that or work). What happens when it goes around the playground and your children hear? You're not protecting them by staying.

I don't see why you haven't told her DH about it. Why protect her?

I didn't, maybe I am a psychopath @pieceofpies who knows, but why would I say I didn't if I did?

We spoke about her, it wasn't like I pretended she didn't exist but outside of that I didn't spend time thinking about her at all - why would I? I admit I wasn't empathetic towards her, I was selfishly caught up in my own wants.

Why does her husband not know? 😳

This happened to me and although I stayed it's so fucking hard to forget but unlike you I offered the OW (family member) multiple times to meet and talk to me and she refused we have had no contact 6 years and regular meet at family occasions. I wanted to let her know that I didn't want her to think I was blaming her cos if I forgive my DH I also had to forgive her to me ir wasn't fair forgiving him and blaming her it's a 2 way thing affairs but she never give me the opportunity but I know many family members have told her that

When a OW - or ex OW - says she didn't think at all about the wife she is still twisting the knife. Not only does the wife have to process the betrayal, she also has to contend with a person involved in the act of having hurt her not even acknowledging her very existence! Only someone very cold-hearted would never give a thought to another person suffering when that person has done nothing to hurt them.

That is hard to bear for a wife grieving the loss of the relationship she thought she had. Until, that is, the wife comes to understand that this is one part of the OW arsenal (and I'm not saying this is always deliberate on the part of OW).

It is, of course, human nature to compare ourselves to others.

I wonder what difference it makes to an OW when the wife is more beautiful than she.