To ask how you feel as the OW

[Hurt1987]

I’ve name changed as I’ve got friends who know my regular username but I’m not ready to discuss this in real life as my DH cheated on me earlier this year and I’m really struggling to come to terms with it. I’ve done the opposite of what everyone on here suggests and have stayed. Mainly for the kids. It’s hard to just walk away. Anyway that aside, I want to know how the other woman feels. Unfortunately, without going into detail, I have to see her every bloody day!! It’s hard! I’m embarrassed! I know I shouldn’t be but I feel like a mug for still being married to him and her knowing that I’ve chosen to stay. I just want to know if she’s embarrassed too? Is she mortified for being caught? Is she embarrassed that I know what she has done. Is she worried I’ll tell her DH? Is she annoyed that he’s chosen his wife? It’s driving me crazy and I suppose I just want to know that she’s feeling crap too or if you’re the OW are you not bothered about these things? My profession means I have to be dignified and say nothing but my god I want to out her behaviour to the world! Please help me make sense of this. Hopefully some OW are on here and can give me an insight into how your brain is wired because I really don’t understand it.😡

I had an emotional affair with a married man at a low point in my life - stopped it before it became physical. I actually knew the wife and disliked her before the EA started - she was part of a social circle who I felt were quite bullying towards me. Also I believed all the shit he fed me about how their relationship was sexless and she treated him with contempt etc etc. So my feelings towards her were a mixture of anger, dislike, and also mad jealousy because even at the height of my delusions it was still clear to me that he loved her and would never leave her - he always made that clear despite feeding me a load of lies about her.

I didn't feel guilty at the time and to be honest still don't - he was the one who had made promises to her not me - and this was a woman who wasn't very nice to me so I didn't feel like I owed her very much.

My mom was also an OW - I am the product of an affair. From what I can tell she had and has contempt for my dad's first wife because of the way she treated him.

I suppose the point of me posting all this is to say you can't generalise. As she knows you, her feelings towards you are probably much more about what she thinks about you as a person. If she likes you or thinks you are a good woman she may well feel horribly guilty. If she has reason to dislike you or think you treat your husband badly (and I am not saying that is true AT ALL but she may think it for whatever reason) she may well dislike you and feel jealous.

All affairs are different - you can't generalise.

In the end, the only way for you to get beyond it is to not give a flying fuck what she thinks! Otherwise you will torment yourself.

Good luck and I am sorry this has happened to you.

I was the OW although I wasn’t aware of her until afterwards so not exactly the same.

I felt a bit sorry for her when I found out about her but when I heard she stayed I thought she was an idiot and had no sympathy.

Obviously every situation is different but I’d assume most OW wouldn’t feel guilty as technically they’re not the ones doing anything wrong and the man has usually spun some story about how they live together but aren’t together or he’s only there because of the children etc

OP,
I think you need to reframe your thinking here.

You need to stop worrying about the OW's motivation etc. and making her more important than she is/was.

The OW isn't/wasn't special, she was just available.

Your husband wanted to cheat and she was low hanging fruit.

So your beef is with your 'D'H not with her.

What has he done to help repair the marriage and help you trust him again? Has he agreed to go to therapy to understand why he cheated and what factors triggered it? Is he getting professional help to develop better coping strategies, and address his entitlement issues?

Only you can answer these questions.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. x

My exh had an affair and left.
Secretly I was thrilled. He was an aggressive selfish coercive man who was an absent dad and husband on all levels.

I never blamed her. She knew his situation.

I would never consider it an embarrasssment to take cheating husband back if that's what wife wanted , however it wasn't for me.

For some women, they have decided that the years of emotional and other investment into their marriage , is worth a hell of a lot more than their husband's itchy mickey with some woman who is so desperate to bag a man that she'll take a cheater over a decent human.

My husband had now cheated on his affair partner for another desperate woman.
These men need to come with a warning in their heads .
It's pathetic

I’m afraid this is probably true. It’s the same with men who visit a sex worker, or view indecent images of children, or groom an underage girl, or hit their partner. If they can do it once, they can (and probably will) do it again, no matter how much they cry and swear it was a mistake.

Same. Women like to blame each other but she has never committed to you, asked you to trust her, promised you anything. Your husband has done all of these things and not delivered.

Wow that's brutal.

Surely only her teacher for one year though?

But still, having to see her and be polite to her - awful.

Your DH has a LOT to answer for.

I was the ow when I was younger. I didn't care about her. She is and was far more beautiful than me, a better person and someone I would have loved to be like. I was an absolutely horrible hurt miserable person back then. I truly regret it. The fact her dh was even remotely interested in me made me feel better about my ugly little self. Quite shocking to actually think back. What an absolute horrid human I was. Anyway it finished quicker than it started.

@pieceofpies
"The OW will have created an image of you in her head. It may well involve you being deficient in some way. Not having enough sex with him, not devoting enough time to him, not being a good enough housewife or cook, not caring for him when he is ill, or any other number of similar scenarios.
Sometimes this image is formed based on how the OW interprets what the MM says about his wife. E.g. 'she's out again tonight', the OW will interpret the wife as being a selfish party girl who leaves him alone in the evening.
Sometimes the OW won't need any encouragement to form a negative image of the wife; her sub-conscious guilt reflex will create an imaginary harridan."

This nails it ^^ so true !

I did read somewhere that the reason women stay with cheating partners was because they didn’t want the embarrassment of having to tell their friends and family what he did.

So they stay in an unhappy relationship with someone they don’t trust.

For some reason that really hit a nerve with me and I’d never intentionally become an OW for that reason alone.

Well you are slightly like one. Limited empathy, strong sexual desires, a liar etc. Not someone I would trust honestly, people like that just aren't trustworthy. They think they are, but they aren't. You didn't even feel bad towards your husband on what you did. That is cold.

Could you not tell her husband op, or make your husband do it? Then it's not you doing it. I'd want her family ripped apart too, her husband and you deserve better than a pair of cheats.

'As the OW though, he is mine emotionally and their marriage is a sham'

Do OW really believe this? Surely they must know he's still having sex with his wife and just using the OW, or are they all deluded?!

I don't think it matters what she feels or thinks, she's trash. But you shouldn't have to see her at your place of work. Speak to the head, starting every day feeling like this isn't good for your mental health. Bottom feeders like this don't care about the harm they're inflicting, but again that's not your concern. If nothing else you'll have a supporting ear at work even if she insists on showing up each day.

The day I witnessed my sibling see her AP with his wife from afar really struck me how deluded OW can be (or, be made to be). We were walking/jogging and she saw him some distance away with a woman who was also in sports gear. It literally stopped her dead in her tracks. When she realised it must be his wife, she carried on walking, but then stopped dead again to have another look. She literally turned her head and was transfixed. Then she cried. She could not believe that was what his wife looked like, and from that moment she always said he must be lying about not sleeping with his wife.

I've name changed for this. I have been the OW for 8 years now, yes 8 years!! In this time i have tried to have other relationships but of course that's a non starter when your head is turned in the other direction.

I don't feel bad for his wife. I used to in the early days but not for a long time now. We have been caught out and she has forgiven him 8 times so I just think she is a mug to be honest who has no self respect. I'm not embarrassed at all, and I wasn't mortified when we were caught. He has chosen to stay with her, has even moved house as she wanted a fresh start but of course he's not really getting a fresh start because he's still in touch with me. It's more of an EA now to be honest although we do meet up very occasionally, but we speak pretty much every day and despite what others think we do love each other. I'm under no illusions as to why he stays with her, and to be honest that's up to him. I have told him that the next relationship I get into will be one I can see a future with and that means no more contact with him. If that happens and I sail off into the sunset with someone else then that will be his loss and that terrifies him. Yet he can't leave. So really, I think they are both a pair of prats for staying in a shitty toxic marriage, and they are both weak. In the early days I struggled a lot emotionally, but now 8 years on i am strong and just think what will be will be. Would I like to end up with him....yes of course, I adore him and despite this situation he is a good man. Will I end up with him.....I very much doubt it and I don't live for that day anymore. But no, I don't feel bad for her, I don't feel embarrassed that we were caught and I don't really care what she or her friends think of me.I think she's a big a fool as I am.

This is very interesting to me. You know what he is, a lying cheating coward, essentially- so why would you want that?

I might just as easily say....Do people really believe that all married couples continue to have sex, that there is no such thing as a sexless marriage, that people who are married can never really develop real feelings for someone else? Your assertions may be true in many cases, maybe even most. But they are not some immutable Truth.

I don’t say this to be mean but I would have said you were the “mug with no self respect” to be honest. The wife might have had this situation thrust upon her but you have chosen it and seem to have found an unhealthy way to cope with it. And for almost a decade.

Please work on your self worth and find a man you can have entirely for yourself. No man is worth sharing. You deserve to treat yourself better.

@TheMinuteYouWalkedInTheJoint because the lying cheating part is just what both of us (mainly him though as I am single) have to do to still see each other or stay in touch. It is not fundamentally who he is. I know that's difficult to understand and it's hard to explain but he is a good man despite all this. I have known him a very long time, so I know exactly who he is.

From what I know sometimes it depends on how the affair happened to begin with, e.g. Current relationship not going well, etc, or weather it's just lust and weakness, or weather they fell for each other over time etc.

all can have varied responses on how someone can be part of an affair.

@wafflesandeggs don’t say this to be mean but I would have said you were the “mug with no self respect” to be honest. The wife might have had this situation thrust upon her but you have chosen it and seem to have found an unhealthy way to cope with it. And for almost a decade

it's ok, you're not being mean and I do agree with you.

Did the OW know your DH was married right from the start? I don't think it has to be a slanging match but clearly you have got questions so I would ask her seen as you see her daily what is there to loose OP?

I think "wife" will always look to cast down OW but the harsh reality is you don't know her from Adam and people who have affairs are normal very normal people.

People could judge you about why you have stayed... its complicated right? So are affairs. No judgement from me OP but.... that OW highly likely won't be the last. So who's really at fault??.

I have 0 experience with the OW but I would definitely report the situation to your management. Its a conflict of interest and she could put your teaching registration at risk by saying anything. Say if she says you haven't given her child star pupil because she slept with your DH and makes a complaint you don't really have a leg to stand on because you did know and didn't report. She could make up any old nonsense and as you have seen from this thread the OW is not always guilty, feeling awful for what she is putting you through...seems there is sometimes a more vindictive side.

You wanted him to hurt so to do that you made sure she was hurt. You sound horrible.