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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you feel as the OW

108 replies

Hurt1987 · 30/08/2022 20:37

I’ve name changed as I’ve got friends who know my regular username but I’m not ready to discuss this in real life as my DH cheated on me earlier this year and I’m really struggling to come to terms with it. I’ve done the opposite of what everyone on here suggests and have stayed. Mainly for the kids. It’s hard to just walk away. Anyway that aside, I want to know how the other woman feels. Unfortunately, without going into detail, I have to see her every bloody day!! It’s hard! I’m embarrassed! I know I shouldn’t be but I feel like a mug for still being married to him and her knowing that I’ve chosen to stay. I just want to know if she’s embarrassed too? Is she mortified for being caught? Is she embarrassed that I know what she has done. Is she worried I’ll tell her DH? Is she annoyed that he’s chosen his wife? It’s driving me crazy and I suppose I just want to know that she’s feeling crap too or if you’re the OW are you not bothered about these things? My profession means I have to be dignified and say nothing but my god I want to out her behaviour to the world! Please help me make sense of this. Hopefully some OW are on here and can give me an insight into how your brain is wired because I really don’t understand it.😡

OP posts:
orangeisthenewpuce · 31/08/2022 16:02

Don't feel like a mug OP. She's probably embarrassed because he's chosen to stay with you.

Cabsnotlint · 31/08/2022 16:11

LongtimeOW · 31/08/2022 15:32

I've name changed for this. I have been the OW for 8 years now, yes 8 years!! In this time i have tried to have other relationships but of course that's a non starter when your head is turned in the other direction.

I don't feel bad for his wife. I used to in the early days but not for a long time now. We have been caught out and she has forgiven him 8 times so I just think she is a mug to be honest who has no self respect. I'm not embarrassed at all, and I wasn't mortified when we were caught. He has chosen to stay with her, has even moved house as she wanted a fresh start but of course he's not really getting a fresh start because he's still in touch with me. It's more of an EA now to be honest although we do meet up very occasionally, but we speak pretty much every day and despite what others think we do love each other. I'm under no illusions as to why he stays with her, and to be honest that's up to him. I have told him that the next relationship I get into will be one I can see a future with and that means no more contact with him. If that happens and I sail off into the sunset with someone else then that will be his loss and that terrifies him. Yet he can't leave. So really, I think they are both a pair of prats for staying in a shitty toxic marriage, and they are both weak. In the early days I struggled a lot emotionally, but now 8 years on i am strong and just think what will be will be. Would I like to end up with him....yes of course, I adore him and despite this situation he is a good man. Will I end up with him.....I very much doubt it and I don't live for that day anymore. But no, I don't feel bad for her, I don't feel embarrassed that we were caught and I don't really care what she or her friends think of me.I think she's a big a fool as I am.

The wife is foolish yes but that is not your business. I've been OW for 6 months and it was enough.
I'm hoping you read this and give it thought. You too are foolish do you have children? Who does he spend Christmas with? Who does he introduce as his wife? It's not bloody you! Wake up and fast you are kidding yourself 8 years and you have not found a single man to date?

Facts are you love this man, he's consumed you and you have no interest in another man do you? No judgement I've been tangled up before also. But FFS 8 years?

The man is having his cake and eating it which man doesn't want to have sex with 2 woman given the chance? What about your family? How can they meet him?

I'm sorry but you are the biggest fool of all. I hope if you want children you hurry about it and leave this man!!

feckoffbrian · 31/08/2022 16:14

The OW I knew felt that it should have been her. Although it was never going to be, which was clear for everyone to see except her. (She was the babysitter)

specialsauce101 · 31/08/2022 16:17

Brist0l · 31/08/2022 15:16

'As the OW though, he is mine emotionally and their marriage is a sham'

Grin

Do OW really believe this? Surely they must know he's still having sex with his wife and just using the OW, or are they all deluded?!

I was the OW for seven years and I honestly think I was delusional. I was incredibly young and coming out of a marriage and didn't realise there was a script.
I believed we were this magical connection and we just couldn't help ourselves. Seven years I waited for him to leave his wife. During that time they raised a young family (children already born before we met) and I honestly couldn't have cared less about his wife. I was perfectly happy to tear a family apart to get what I wanted.
I am much older now and do not recognise that person that I was. I would never ever get involved with a married man again. I can't believe I did it.

Ringmaster27 · 31/08/2022 16:19

I didn’t know that I was the OW. Not a scooby.
I only found out when his wife went through his phone and found evidence that he was having an affair and contacted me. I was mortified. I felt dirty. Disgusted with both myself and him. I felt guilty, even though I’d been oblivious to the fact that he had a wife and kids. Turns out, it’s not the first time he’d played the exact same game - his job meant that he lived away from his family mon-fri, and used that time to live a double life, stringing women along with the story that he was a single man!
His wife handled the situation with way more grace than I would have done. She was actually really kind to me, and made it clear that she placed all blame on him because he’d been lying to me as well as her the entire time. Last I heard, she’s left him, met someone else and has moved on with her life.

oapp · 31/08/2022 16:21

Brist0l · 31/08/2022 15:16

'As the OW though, he is mine emotionally and their marriage is a sham'

Grin

Do OW really believe this? Surely they must know he's still having sex with his wife and just using the OW, or are they all deluded?!

emotionally I said ... who knows ...and who cares ...about physically.

There's a big misconception here about how much the affair partner cares about that kind of thing.

Anyway, mine's from an arranged marriage, I can easily believe it's all just for show, it's hard in some cultures to be divorced (mainly that applies to the women, of course. Men get a free pass). Not that it matters. He's staying married, I knew that from the start. I'm busy and have kids at home so it suits me.

It is a love relationship though, between us. I feel a bit sorry for them both because they never got to choose each other that way

Brist0l · 31/08/2022 16:27

'She's probably embarrassed because he's chosen to stay with you.'

Yes and they do usually stay. Or leave and then find another OW! I'd be embarrassed to be an OW knowing the person I was having sex with lived with and had a full life with someone else, sharing everyday life and family occasions.

OW are just novelties. Real relationships count, most MM know that and that is why they stay.

smooththecat · 31/08/2022 16:32

Normally there will be some convenient narrative, ‘the relationship/marriage was over’ etc.

ReneBumsWombats · 31/08/2022 16:42

She's irrelevant. The only reason it's an issue is because your husband couldn't be trusted.

WasTheOW · 31/08/2022 16:53

I fell in love. Was a real mess. Heading out of an awful marriage, together while we sold the house. He assured me once I'd got my own place he'd leave too. He didn't. He mentally and emotionally abused me to the extent I knew he was doing the same to his wife. She knew about me. We met and talked and she said I was welcome to him, he still didn't leave.
I ended it. He came back 6 months later and begged me again, I'd broke his heart etc. told me marriage over. Still didn't leave.

3 years later it's just ended again as he still didn't leave and was lying as much to us both as he always did.

She saw us together and laid into him big style, she said she recognised I had a part to play but that I'd tried to walk away and wasn't strong enough when pursued by him - narcissistic men are like crack cocaine until you break the addiction. She blamed him completely as he was the married one.

But she's still living that life and finally I'm so relieved I'm no longer part of that circus.

I did care about his wife - much as most won't believe it. I asked him repeatedly how she was, had he told her etc etc. he lied and lied I now know. I apologised to her when I ended it last year and I meant it. But as I said, I was weak and addicted to that vile man. He's broken me, I'm doing a lot of work on myself still.

I will never ever cheat or be part of cheating ever again in my life. Fortunately my ex husband has been happily with another woman for a long time now but will never forgive me, nor will my (grown up) children. I've paid a big price for my foolishness.

WasTheOW · 31/08/2022 16:55

Must add I had NO idea he was married when we met, only as a pp said when she contacted me after seeing emails from him delivering his love etc.

CornishGem1975 · 31/08/2022 18:56

@Brist0l You're assuming OW are these feeble creatures hanging off every word MM has said. Most are married themselves, also living full lives.

Brist0l · 31/08/2022 18:57

CornishGem1975 · 31/08/2022 18:56

@Brist0l You're assuming OW are these feeble creatures hanging off every word MM has said. Most are married themselves, also living full lives.

Oh yes very full lives if they're having to shag MM for a bit of excitement.

ReneBumsWombats · 31/08/2022 19:02

Brist0l · 31/08/2022 18:57

Oh yes very full lives if they're having to shag MM for a bit of excitement.

Show quote history

Why would a woman with hobbies and interests be incapable of sleeping with a married man? What's one got to do with the other?

Cabsnotlint · 31/08/2022 19:03

Brist0l · 31/08/2022 18:57

Oh yes very full lives if they're having to shag MM for a bit of excitement.

Show quote history

The full lives works both ways surely?

Sorry but that theory is irrelevant completely. A lot of wives know what's going on but would rather turn a blind eye to the perfume scent that's not hers and DH being late home for years on end. OW doesn't really know MM but would she tolerate what the wife does? Probs why it usually never lasts!

CornishGem1975 · 31/08/2022 19:32

@Brist0l So the married man can have a "full life" but the other woman can't? He can have a job, hobbies, family and have a bit on the side but she can't?

That's bullshit.

Nice double standards there and you also obviously have no clue what you're talking about.

ObvsNCdforthis · 31/08/2022 19:44

I was the OW. I was young, a bit isolated and vulnerable, delusional and very attracted to him. The usual story - we worked together, socialised together after work, and one thing led to another. I had no desire to end his relationship. I didn’t want his girlfriend to be hurt. I did worry about her - but I was SO DELUDED that I thought he was going to cheat anyway, whether it was with me or someone else, and better that it was me because I didn’t sleep around and had no intention to ask him to leave her. I believed that they led very separate lives and that she was possibly playing away as well. I told myself how common infidelity was to justify my behaviour. I was just so drawn to him. I was really sexually inexperienced. I loved the attention. He wasn’t that good to me and didn’t fulfill my emotional needs in any way. I wanted to find a real relationship and end it… but we kept coming back together. Until we didn’t.

As a former OW - I don’t think the affair reflects on you in any way. You have no reason to be embarrassed and it’s none of her business whether you stay in your marriage or not. She’s a real piece of work to sleep with her child’s teacher’s husband though.

Separately, I do think it’s possible to love more than one person at a time. Not everyone feels possessive over their partners. Maybe she’s like me, and had no intention of asking him to leave, but just needed the validation and took it even though she knows it was wrong?

Brist0l · 31/08/2022 19:53

'So the married man can have a "full life" but the other woman can't? He can have a job, hobbies, family and have a bit on the side but she can't?'

They can both do wtf they like, my point is no one is living full happy lives if they're lying and sneaking around to fuck others on the side. That goes for a MM/MW and OW/OM. Just be open about it and give your OH the chance to cheat too if that's your thing.

x2boys · 31/08/2022 19:54

Many years ago I had a bit if a fling with a married man we had met as student nurses and had a one night stans when we both single and remained friends but it didn't go anywhere, a few years later we started working together he was married by then and there was still an attraction, I'm not justifying it but he was a terrible flirt and I'm sure I wasn't his only fling ,it was just sex ,I never expected him to leave his wife I wasn't that important to him ,he was the cheat and I was very young and it gave me a bit of an ego boost .

CornishGem1975 · 31/08/2022 20:04

Yes and they do usually stay. Or leave and then find another OW! I'd be embarrassed to be an OW knowing the person I was having sex with lived with and had a full life with someone else, sharing everyday life and family occasions.

But you literally said this @Brist0l - that the OW is having sex with someone who had a full life with someone else, insinuating she wasn't. And when I questioned that, you said she couldn't have a full life if she was having sex with a MM.

OW can quite early be doing all that too.

ReneBumsWombats · 31/08/2022 20:13

Brist0l · 31/08/2022 19:53

'So the married man can have a "full life" but the other woman can't? He can have a job, hobbies, family and have a bit on the side but she can't?'

They can both do wtf they like, my point is no one is living full happy lives if they're lying and sneaking around to fuck others on the side. That goes for a MM/MW and OW/OM. Just be open about it and give your OH the chance to cheat too if that's your thing.

But why? Why can't a person with a family, career, social life and hobbies not have an affair?What's the relevance?

Loads of people with happy lives enjoy affairs as an added bonus. Doesn't make it ok, but it's ridiculous to say it doesn't happen.

ReneBumsWombats · 31/08/2022 20:21

I'd be embarrassed to be an OW knowing the person I was having sex with lived with and had a full life with someone else, sharing everyday life and family occasions.

Fair enough, but plenty of women don't want those things with their AP.

Why do you think everyone else would feel the same way as you? If that were the case, there wouldn't be any OW.

Fifiver · 31/08/2022 21:03

The wife thinks the ow must always want to "steal" the husband and her life. I didn't I fancied him we had a connection , good sex , he was very giving I was younger . I never wanted to steal him I knew I wouldn't be able to trust him and he's a serial cheat. I knew I wouldn't be the first or the last. His wife also knows that keeps threatening to throw him out but never does. Some blame the ow but they might want to look at their husband , it's their choice to cheat. The ow doesn't have a magic fanny.

Nugg · 31/08/2022 21:52

Fifiver · 31/08/2022 21:03

The wife thinks the ow must always want to "steal" the husband and her life. I didn't I fancied him we had a connection , good sex , he was very giving I was younger . I never wanted to steal him I knew I wouldn't be able to trust him and he's a serial cheat. I knew I wouldn't be the first or the last. His wife also knows that keeps threatening to throw him out but never does. Some blame the ow but they might want to look at their husband , it's their choice to cheat. The ow doesn't have a magic fanny.

OMG that made me laugh so much. Magic fanny 😆🤣 I had a fling with a guy I didn't know was married. Did fall for him until I knew he was married and then no way. Get with your mistress and create a vacancy...!

Minimalme · 31/08/2022 22:00

I agree - the ow is irrelevant.

My perspective comes from having a Father and a sibling who were/are relentlessly unfaithful. Both pompous arses with strong narcissist tendencies.

Growing up I always felt doomed to have an affair. As it stands, I have never cheated.

I also thought I would struggle to leave a cheating spouse but with age came the understanding that people who cheat are not my people.

Nothing good can come of a relationship with a cheater imo.