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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To judge gender disappointment?

228 replies

illstayinthepoolanddrown · 30/08/2022 19:02

When that person has a baby gender reveal party?

I’ve seen (from both parents) where after the reveal and everyone is cheering they are stood there miserable, or they’ve started crying and even seen some where they walk off.

The worst one I’ve just seen was twins and it was blue confetti first and the mum just shrugged and everyone looked awkward, second confetti was pink and she’s screaming and jumping with joy. How horrible for that little boy to maybe one day see that video.

I do think gender disappointment is valid and I’m sure most who feel it wish they didn’t. I just don’t get why you’d put yourself in that situation to be the centre of attention when it could turn out pretty bad.

OP posts:
DdraigGoch · 30/08/2022 22:40

MrsJBaptiste · 30/08/2022 21:20

@FarmerRefuted
There a million reasons why someone might feel disappointed when they find out the sex of their baby

Like what? I can't think of any, let alone a million.

Emotions aren't always rational.

Recording your disappointment for posterity is awful though. Imagine if the child came across it by accident.

TinyLittleBug · 30/08/2022 22:41

DC1 was a boy and I definitely had a preference for DC2 to be a girl (which she was). But we found this out at a private scan, because I knew I didn’t want my nearest and dearest to see my reaction if it had been another boy. I knew those feelings would have been temporary, and that afterwards I would’ve been very embarrassed and ashamed of myself, and I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to witness that very temporary, emotional reaction.

So yes, if you feel very strongly that you want a specific gender, I don’t know why you would risk finding out in such a public way.

However, some people are caught unaware by feelings they didn’t realise they had up until that point. You don’t always know how you will react.

A good friend of mine struggled after giving birth and not finding out the gender during pregnancy, and was surprised to find she was disappointed at first. It was a much longer for baby, and they struggled to conceive, which further compounded her feeling like a piece of shit for having those thoughts. I didn’t judge her.

Original poster
illstayinthepoolanddrown · 30/08/2022 22:53

StClare101 · 30/08/2022 22:32

Do you live under a rock? Do a little reading on Stonewall and TRA’s if you don’t understand why sex and gender should not be confused. Language matters, particularly when women’s sex-based rights are in question. Continuing to misuse gender instead of sex is problematic.

Gender reveal parties are also problematic as children shouldn’t be pushed towards a gender stereotype before they are even born! Just let them be who they are, in their own bodies.

Show quote history

Gender reveal parties are not an all encompassing issue for the reason you stated. Some people will have them purely based on the fact they want to be centre of attention and probably don’t even care for the gender.

If a person wants a certain sex for a particular stereotypical reason then they will be like that regardless of whether they throw a party or not.

OP posts:
doingitalllagain · 30/08/2022 22:53

I’m currently pregnant with my third boy. One healthy toddler, one sadly miscarried at 17 weeks and now another on the way. I was just relieved to discover they were alive on this scan, and overjoyed my son would have a brother.

I had a bit of a wobble after telling my mum and she started with the whole “a daughters for life and a sons until he gets a wife” and told me to appreciate them whilst I have them. Thankfully I have the common sense to see that you get out of relationships what you put in, and I will always love and support my boys and although we might have a different relationship in some aspects to a mother/daughter relationship it doesn’t mean the relationship we will share will be lesser, and if I can treat not only them but their life partners with respect and love then perhaps I can have that side of things with them.

DdraigGoch · 30/08/2022 23:02

and told me to appreciate them whilst I have them

@doingitalllagain that was an appallingly insensitive thing to say to someone who had previously miscarried.

TheCatWithGreenEyes · 30/08/2022 23:55

I judge anyone having a ‘look at me aren’t I so important’ party. Can’t stand social media either.

I had 3 boys and when pregnant with baby number 4 I wanted another boy so when I found out on the nifty test I was having a girl I was a little disappointed as I think I mourned the boy I expected to have but unfortunately my daughter died at 21 weeks. I spent a long time believing she died because I wanted a boy. Baby 5 I didn’t find out till she was born as i only cared about having a healthy baby to take home as that’s all that really matters

StClare101 · 31/08/2022 00:26

illstayinthepoolanddrown · 30/08/2022 22:53

Gender reveal parties are not an all encompassing issue for the reason you stated. Some people will have them purely based on the fact they want to be centre of attention and probably don’t even care for the gender.

If a person wants a certain sex for a particular stereotypical reason then they will be like that regardless of whether they throw a party or not.

Show quote history

Agreed that gender reveal parties are a symptom rather than the problem. The problem is having expectations of a child behaving a certain way because those expectations are based on outdated gender stereotypes.

I see one poster has trotted out the “a son is yours until he finds a wife” bollocks as the basis for her sex selection. 🤮

Luredbyapomegranate · 31/08/2022 00:30

Gender reveal is just. so. weird.

SammyScrounge · 31/08/2022 00:32

JurrasicCazza · 30/08/2022 19:10

Frankly, I just judge people who hold gender reveal parties full stop.

Me too. It's such a silly idea.

Floomobal · 31/08/2022 00:32

100% judge them. It’s a tacky thing to do anyway, and absolutely disgusting to be disappointed with a healthy baby because it’s a boy (gender disappointment ALWAYS seems to be about boys).

I wouldn’t swap my little baby boy for the world. I don’t understand people having a preference, never mind being disappointed

lotsofthem · 31/08/2022 00:36

I also feel a bit sorry for the child who is the ‘right’ desired gender in these situations. Often if there is that much emphasis and desire to have a particular sex then there is going to be A LOT of expectations for that child to live up to. It’s not just about having a daughter but having everything the mum expects to come with having a daughter. I’d imagine a lot of those women will be disappointed if their girl doesn’t live up to being a best friend forever, princess, mini-me

bluefrog11 · 31/08/2022 00:41

YANBU. Absolutely hate gender reveals - so tacky!! And you can bet it’s always a boy they’re dissapointed about. I hate how boy babies are so devalued. Is it because mums see girl babies as something they can dress up like a doll or is it deeper?

Carlycat · 31/08/2022 00:52

JurrasicCazza · 30/08/2022 19:10

Frankly, I just judge people who hold gender reveal parties full stop.

This. It's self absorbed cringe

Carlycat · 31/08/2022 00:52

It's sex not gender. You're welcome 😉

tillytown · 31/08/2022 01:03

I don't get why people are claiming sex disappointment is always about having boys, the videos I've seen contain dad's walking off/kicking things/sulking because they are having a daughter, I have never seen one where anyone is sad about having a boy. Ever.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 31/08/2022 01:22

I have 5 boys, I've never felt disappointment about not having girls. Also that stupid saying 🙄

Strokethefurrywall · 31/08/2022 01:30

So I think what we've learned here, is that TikTok is shit?

Sex reveal parties, crack on. Sex reveal parties that are supposed to be funny because the mum has 7 boys already and was hoping for a girl? Desperately unfunny.

As is all of TikTok.

Sex disappointment is as hormonally driven as the desire to have kids. I found out I was pregnant with DS2 at 22 weeks. Did I cry in a secret hormonal puddle because I was having a boy? No, I cried in a secret hormonal puddle because I knew I wasn't going to experience having a daughter in my life. Not to dress her up, or "have a best friend", or buy pink shite (I hate pink, does not complement my skin tone at all!), but because I have a beautiful relationship with my mum and my sister and I wanted to replicate that.

Was I disappointed when DS2 arrived? Not in a million years. I was more fiercely protective over him than I ever was over DS1.

And bizarrely enough, whenever I picture having a 3rd baby, I always imagine a mythical 3rd son.

So yes, sex disappointment is real but inexplicable and anecdotally always related to the relationships we have with our parents/siblings, and it takes a beat to adjust or accept the picture in our heads of what we thought we'd experience.

I always thought of it this way. I've always wanted to go back to Australia, I love it, had the best time of my life there.
I've also always desperately wanted to go to Norway to see the aurora. Sex disappointment for me, was like being offered the chance of a lifetime to go back to Australia or to Norway, and being told that Norway was off the itinerary.
Disappointed that I wouldn't get to go, but overjoyed that I'd get to go back to Australia!

Boxowine · 31/08/2022 01:38

I really hope this gender reveal trend goes away. I like to go to baby showers, and I always bring a nice present but I could not care at all for the baby's sex and I find it hard to believe that anyone really cares what the baby is going to be. Maybe the grand parents and sometimes other family members but the randoms who get invited to these things? They don't care

SD1978 · 31/08/2022 01:43

Gender disappointment- it's a thing, fair enough. Publicly showing your level of distress, usually online social media for your child to find later? You're a dick. If you think that this may be you, being disappointed, do it privately. Even if you think you'll be excited do it privately. It's crass and ridiculous in general the need to plaster the sex of your child online.....

Marvellousmadness · 31/08/2022 01:59

I hope her ds grows up wanting to be a boy

What a gross mum.

CJsGoldfish · 31/08/2022 05:19

Frankly, I just judge people who hold gender reveal parties full stop

Was going to say, that's where my judgement begins. 😂

allow · 31/08/2022 05:27

I find something very unpleasant about the whole 'public spectacle' of the thing. I don't see how it benefits the children involved in any way whatsoever.

Whataretheodds · 31/08/2022 05:33

PeekAtYou · 30/08/2022 19:33

It's only acceptable in limited circumstances like a certain sex possibly carrying a specific gene that the other sex wouldn't have inherited.

I don't think many people in that situation arrange to find out the sex at a gender reveal party.

HillyBillyBob · 31/08/2022 05:39

Too many karans on here so what if people have gender reveal parties also gender disappointment is a real thing doesn't mean u love the baby any less.

Whataretheodds · 31/08/2022 05:43

Currently having a miscarriage. I can't understand how anyone could have got themself so worked up about the sex of their unborn baby that they suffer disappointment (chromosomal diseases aside).

I think OP's point was, if you are that invested then don't have a gender reveal and display your disappointment to yoir child on video.