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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Very limited guest list for wedding and mum wants to invite all her friends

308 replies

bells2810 · 30/08/2022 13:45

My fiancé and I are planning on getting married in a small venue with 50 guests at an absolute maximum. With our immediate families and then grandparents, aunts and uncles, as well as my fiancé’s best man, and two bridesmaids for me, this comes to 47 which we were happy with.

My parents have very kindly offered to help us to pay for the wedding. My mum is now saying that she wants to invite her friends to our wedding. We aren’t having a separate day/night do with extra guests arriving later etc, our only friends who are coming are in our bridal party because we wanted to keep it small and intimate. When I said this to my mum, she said I was being ungrateful and said I should remember that she is helping to pay for it.

My fiancé and I aren’t even inviting all the friends we would have invited in an ideal world because we want to keep numbers and costs down, and we had also wanted to keep it intimate. I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and she keeps bringing up the money. She wants to invite her three best friends and their partners, as well as at least four other friends and their husbands too. This would take us over the 50 guest list limit and the only way we’d be able to accommodate it is if my fiancé and I cut down our list of family or don’t have anyone in our bridal party!!

I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to upset my mum and she is helping us financially but I can’t help thinking she has had her wedding, my fiancé and I don’t want to invite loads of people who aren’t our own close friends. I don’t know how to broach this with my mum without her getting defensive, angry or upset with us. Does anyone have any tips or had a similar experience?

OP posts:
Octomore · 30/08/2022 14:28

If she won't take no for an answer, then your only option is to turn down the money. This won't be the only thing she tries to overrule you on - she'll bring it the money every time you make a decision she disagrees with.

Have the wedding that you can afford yourselves, even if it is tiny.

Derbee · 30/08/2022 14:29

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 30/08/2022 14:04

Have to say also, I am quite shocked to see quite a few people still pay for their adult childrens wedding. This seems very outdated and weird these days. Surely people who are old enough to get married, are old enough to fund the wedding themselves? Confused

I mean maybe the parents may buy the bride's dress, or pay for the flowers etc, but the whole wedding being paid for by the bride's parents is extremely odd these days IMO. I do find it a bit cringe that working adults (often with their own home) let their parents pay for their wedding. Do people actually really do this still?

Are you of an age where you could easily buy a house/save etc as an adult?

Alot of young adults nowadays are not in that position. Their parents have easy access to healthy savings etc and it’s an easy way to take some financial pressure off the next generation.

Weird that you find generosity ‘cringe’ but many don’t

cptartapp · 30/08/2022 14:29

Why can't you speak honestly to her? Odd.
Set a precedent here and get your own way, even if that means declining her money. Otherwise where will it end as the years roll by.
She's kind of blackmailing you. That's unpleasant and not something you do to family.

Festoonlights · 30/08/2022 14:32

The money clearly comes with conditions, very poor form it’s your wedding, not hers!

Tiani4 · 30/08/2022 14:32

It's very easy for PPs on here to say return the money and so your own thing, but you will have booked the wedding you sis and paid deposits based on what your mum promised.

I hope you have the money in your bank already so your mum can't be difficult, and she IS being difficult is she's trying to add in 10+ guests of her own at a later stage, to a 50 person limited wedding.

If after you've explained she threatens not to pay (& hasn't already) then she is blackmailing you and that is not kind . No good nor nice parent does that. It's your &Dfiance's day not hers. Remind her that it will become known if she goes ahead with blackmailing you as you will cut her side of the family to accommodate explaining why & that it isn't your choice.

caringcarer · 30/08/2022 14:33

Take back control and keep limit at 50. Tell your Mum you will pay yourself. I bought my dd wedding dress, shoes and paid for her hair and did not ask for any of my friends to attend. It is your day, you Mum has had her day.

Fe345fleur · 30/08/2022 14:33

Adding to the majority vote that this her money is not a gift, it's an obligation. Politely explain this to her and give her the money back, invite who you want.

Tiani4 · 30/08/2022 14:33

Assuming you are paying for most of it and she is just donating she isn't paying for your wedding she's paying for the flowers or the bridesmaid outfits ..

Festoonlights · 30/08/2022 14:34

I would die on this hill op because if you don’t the same is going to play out with your future dc, schooling, christenings, raising your dc in s certain way and everything else!

You are an adult, this is your call

Mindymomo · 30/08/2022 14:34

Our wedding 30 years ago had a maximum number of 80, my parents paid for the wedding, although I didn’t expect them to, but offered after we choose our reception venue. We quickly got to 80, inviting close friends, family and their children. The only time we argued was when my Dad wanted some cousins invited that none of us had seen for over 20 years. I asked him who did he think I shouldn’t invite, because we already had a few friends that we wanted to invite. Luckily for us some family came without their children so we could have more friends. We never got to the stage of saying stick your money, but came close.

Justcallmebebes · 30/08/2022 14:35

Give the money back. I loathe, loathe, loathe people who do you a favour but then insist on conditions attached. It's shitty behaviour and I'd tell her if she didn't wind her neck in, she wouldn't be coming either.

Phew, feel better now! Thanks for the vent

phishy · 30/08/2022 14:35

YANBU, your mum sounds like a piece of work.

I did invite my some of my mum's friends, but only the ones I liked, and dh and i paid for everything ourselves.

My sister did try to invite her friends (and neighbours Hmm) but I gave her short shrift. She wanted to be lady bountiful hostess at MY expense. Fuck that.

Festoonlights · 30/08/2022 14:36

I would be furious as well, and would tell her why.

WavePlant · 30/08/2022 14:37

The trouble with this generation of parents is that their weddings were controlled by their parents, they only had family and parents friends and likely no day in where it was etc and were expecting to have full control of their kids weddings so they feel hard done by not having their wedding and not controlling yours. Not that this excuses her behaviour.
most her down once more with your list and ask her which 10 people she wants you to unicité? Make it clear then give the money back

Shinyandnew1 · 30/08/2022 14:38

Give her the money back and pay for your wedding yourself.

I’m kind of guessing by your lack of replies to all the posters suggesting this, that you don’t want to do this. Am I right in thinking you want the cash but but want your own way?

Tiani4 · 30/08/2022 14:38

I would play mum at her game and say look why don't you organise a separate wedding evening after we get back from honeymoon, for your 14 friends to celebrate with us, as we can't fit them into our small intimate wedding and we don't really know them like we do close aunts uncles grandparents and the very few friends we are inviting. It's not your wedding mum, it's ours.

"I'll even put my wedding dress on again! "

JenniferBarkley · 30/08/2022 14:40

I think if she's paying, then inviting her three best friends plus partners seems fair enough. 47+6=53, and it's extremely unlikely that you would have full attendance.

HappyHamsters · 30/08/2022 14:40

You say your parents are helping out, what does your dad say.

lemonsorbetinthesun · 30/08/2022 14:40

So it’s a bribe rather than a gift. If you can, then give her the money back. If you’re not in a position to pay for it all now (which wouldn’t be a big surprise if you had counted on their help) .. I would push the wedding back to when you are able too. Would you be able to change dates without loosing too much money?

HereIGoAgainAndAgainAndAgain · 30/08/2022 14:41

If you don’t want / can’t afford to give her the money back, then offer her the remaining 2 (3 at a push) places. I’d also tell her that due to numbers, if she invites more then they as well as she will be turned away at the door.

Sparklybanana · 30/08/2022 14:43

Ask her what she'd do. Would she prefer her friends to be invited at the expense of your own?
"Mum - it's NOT YOUR WEDDING".
Would she have wanted friends of her parents to be at her own wedding instead of her friends?

If all fails. Threaten to elope. Or actually elope.

Our wedding was the only time we've fallen out with pils. They wanted to invite the son and gf of their best friends (who interesting I don't hear much about even now, years later). Our position was that dh knew their ds when they were kids but have never once met up in recent years even though we lived in the same city and thus never met the gf. They aren't our friends and they aren't pils friends so why are we having these people instead of people we actually spend time with?

People go crazy with weddings.

SomethingFast · 30/08/2022 14:45

PuttingDownRoots · 30/08/2022 14:08

Elope, maybe with your best friends.

This.

If I could go back in time I’d 100% have done this too.

WavePlant · 30/08/2022 14:45

JenniferBarkley · 30/08/2022 14:40

I think if she's paying, then inviting her three best friends plus partners seems fair enough. 47+6=53, and it's extremely unlikely that you would have full attendance.

We had full attendance in a wedding this small and the venue would only legally sit 50 so you can’t magic some in. If you’re adding your parents friends how is that not fair to let your partners parents also have 6 people you don’t know? And you tell your friends they can’t come either?

Lalliella · 30/08/2022 14:45

Absolutely give her the money back. Pay for it yourself and invite who you want. It’s your wedding, not hers.

gogohmm · 30/08/2022 14:50

I would explain that you have 50 people already with family and your close friends- you aren't against her friends attending but you can't afford to pay for any more than 50 even with your parents help. See what she says - could they come for the evening only?