Very limited guest list for wedding and mum wants to invite all her friends

[bells2810]

My fiancé and I are planning on getting married in a small venue with 50 guests at an absolute maximum. With our immediate families and then grandparents, aunts and uncles, as well as my fiancé’s best man, and two bridesmaids for me, this comes to 47 which we were happy with.

My parents have very kindly offered to help us to pay for the wedding. My mum is now saying that she wants to invite her friends to our wedding. We aren’t having a separate day/night do with extra guests arriving later etc, our only friends who are coming are in our bridal party because we wanted to keep it small and intimate. When I said this to my mum, she said I was being ungrateful and said I should remember that she is helping to pay for it.

My fiancé and I aren’t even inviting all the friends we would have invited in an ideal world because we want to keep numbers and costs down, and we had also wanted to keep it intimate. I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and she keeps bringing up the money. She wants to invite her three best friends and their partners, as well as at least four other friends and their husbands too. This would take us over the 50 guest list limit and the only way we’d be able to accommodate it is if my fiancé and I cut down our list of family or don’t have anyone in our bridal party!!

I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to upset my mum and she is helping us financially but I can’t help thinking she has had her wedding, my fiancé and I don’t want to invite loads of people who aren’t our own close friends. I don’t know how to broach this with my mum without her getting defensive, angry or upset with us. Does anyone have any tips or had a similar experience?

[rnsaslkih]

I got married 21 years ago in a registry office with 8 guests. I have never regretted it, neither has my dh. Weddings cause no end of expense, problems etc. Ours was straightforward. I think it was about £37. Plus notice of about £30 each or something.

[rnsaslkih]

Meant to add: I recommend you do similar. Reg offices have varying guest packages. You then don't have to do anything you don't want to.

[rnsaslkih]

In fact, my db thought it was great and when he got married a few years later, he did the same. Again, never regretted it.

[MrsWobble3]

What’s your dad’s opinion on this? You say your parents have offered to pay not just your mum. If you are not being unreasonable (and based on what you’ve written you don’t sound it) would he be able to help explain to your mum? It seems a shame to fall out over this if you have an otherwise good relationship with your parents.

[Dinoteeth]

I'd say we have 47 and 3 spaces left you can have those 3. Which probably means her inviting 3 singletons or one couple.

Does she have friends whom you know and have seen you grow up?

I wouldn't get involved in daft ideas of Auntie Mary can't come so we'll invite Doris.

[economicervix]

Has anyone suggested declining the money yet? 😄

[Blahburst]

I was in your position 20 years ago and gave in. Most of our wedding guests were friends of my parents. It was a nice wedding but weird. We are still happily married, but have no relationship with my parents. If you can afford to refuse the gift, do it now.

[Flatfish123]

I had this when I got married. The problem my mum had was that when she got married it was the parents of the bride who were the hosts (hence the tradition that they pay) and so the parents of the bride decided who was invited. My mum didn’t get her friends there, it was mainly her parents friends.

Flicking on to now, your getting married and times have changed and she doesn’t get to have her friends as this wedding either. Your mum is probably thinking it’s not fair on her. It’s not, but times have changed and she has to live with it.

[bcc89]

@neverbeenskiing

Tell her that you're grateful, but you didn't realise when you accepted her offer that it came with strings attached and you'd rather pay for your own wedding than have a wedding you're not going to enjoy.

Exactly this.

[Wetblanket78]

It's your wedding have you explained there's a maximum of 50 guests. If you invite her friends you wouldn't be able to have it at your chosen venue. Which isn't really fair when it's not what you want. Tell her you don't want the money if that's the the conditions she's laying out. It's your wedding you plan what makes you both happy nobody else.

[LadyMonicaBaddingham]

No way, pay for your wedding yourselves even if it means eloping or a much slimmed-down affair. After all, it's the MARRIAGE that matters, rather than the wedding itself.

See that this so-called 'gift' or 'help' is anything but! Otherwise, what's next? She buys a pram as a gift so she gets to take YOUR baby out whenever she wants? She gives a 'gift' towards a house deposit so she obviously HAS to have her own key?

[Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov]

I'd do a list- moms family, dads family, dp's mom, dp's dad, our friends. Do them in columns. Hand it to her and ask her which 14 people she'd like to cross off to invite her friends.

Is the 50 set by you or the venue?

[Interestinghmm]

You need to give your mum all her money back and pay for it yourselves. If it means slimming it down even more that's what you'll have to do. She's going to think she gets a say for as long as she's paying towards it, so don't let her pay towards it.

[AntiHop]

Offer to give her money back
cancel the cheque

[bringbackveronicamars]

Ask her for her bank details and tell her you're going to start paying her back now as you didn't realise it came with strings and that you just thought she was helping you to celebrate your wedding with your friends and loved ones, not hers.

[Campervangirl]

Your mum is making it about her, she needs to understand its your day not hers.
My only DD got married this summer, I paid 2/3 of her wedding costs and gave her a lump sum towards extras and I didn't invite or ask to invite any of my friends.
It wasn't my wedding, it was her and her fiancé's day to enjoy with their friends.
I'd have another word with her and if she doesn't like it I'd scale back the wedding or postpone it for another year until you can afford to pay for it all yourself.
If she doesn't back down she's not a very nice person, it seems as though she wants to show off to her friends to the detriment of your feelings

[babyjellyfish]

Assuming your venue has a hard limit on numbers, show your mum your guest list, tell her how many people you'd need to cut from it to accommodate her friends, then ask her who you think should be uninvited.

If she doesn't come round, you'll have you pay for it without her help.

[MolkosTeenageAngst]

Pay for it yourself and invite who you want.

[ChateauMargaux]

Mum, it's lovely that you want to pay and we are extremely grateful, however, if your friends outnumber ours, then it's not really our party is it?

Who did you have at your wedding? Did your family pay?

If the answer is - friends of her parents and family and few of her own friends .... then maybe she feels her point of view is valid.. in which case you might have to suggest that you are at an impasse and you will have to re think the whole thing or pay for it yourself...

[bringbackveronicamars]

I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to upset my mum and she is helping us financially but I can’t help thinking she has had her wedding, my fiancé and I don’t want to invite loads of people who aren’t our own close friends. I don’t know how to broach this with my mum without her getting defensive, angry or upset with us.

Do you plan on tiptoeing around your mum for the rest of your life at your and your future husband's expense? Have you warned him that that's how it will be, that you can't say no or upset your mum? That your mum's wishes about your life will trump yours and his? Give him a chance to pull out if that's the case.

Alternatively, stand up straight, remember you're a grown up, and find your boundaries. You'll be doing yourself and your husband and any future children a serious favour if you start now (albeit, a bit late in the game!).

[ThirteenLuckyForSome]

Put your foot down now. My in laws pulled this stunt and I ended up with around 15 people at my wedding who I had never even heard of nevermind met!! Completely ridiculous. We were laughing our heads off when opening cards after the wedding as there were so many people we had still never met, they were obviously there as they put a card in the box at the venue and also signed the guest book 😆. My in laws also said to me after the wedding we couldn't have afforded our wedding without their input (lies it cost us a bloody fortune), their input just covered the people they wanted there that we had never heard of. Still makes me mad 7 years on that I wasn't more firm at saying, sorry I have no idea who any of these people are, maybe invite them to your next bbq instead?

[babyjellyfish]

If the answer is - friends of her parents and family and few of her own friends .... then maybe she feels her point of view is valid..

But they are only inviting three friends anyway - the best man and bridesmaids.

So even if they had no best man and no bridesmaids, accommodating her mum's friends means uninviting aunts and uncles. Or changing venue.

[Fupoffyagrasshole]

only thing to do it not accept the money! my now MIL tried the same crap and we just said no thanks and paid ourselves.

[Milkand2sugarsplease]

She's not paying for your wedding, she's paying for her party. Give the money back, tell her you didn't realise it came with conditions and that you'd rather have the wedding you want than have her pay for you to get married in front of her guest list.

If you accept the money, you're gonna have to accept her conditions really cos she doesn't sound like she's budging on it.

[MzHz]

@Tiani4

I would play mum at her game and say look why don't you organise a separate wedding evening after we get back from honeymoon, for your 14 friends to celebrate with us, as we can't fit them into our small intimate wedding and we don't really know them like we do close aunts uncles grandparents and the very few friends we are inviting. It's not your wedding mum, it's ours.

"I'll even put my wedding dress on again! "

This is a good idea. And then as a back up if she doesn't want to throw a reception for her friends then she can tell you which of her family she needs to uninvite so that her friends can come.