Very limited guest list for wedding and mum wants to invite all her friends

[bells2810]

My fiancé and I are planning on getting married in a small venue with 50 guests at an absolute maximum. With our immediate families and then grandparents, aunts and uncles, as well as my fiancé’s best man, and two bridesmaids for me, this comes to 47 which we were happy with.

My parents have very kindly offered to help us to pay for the wedding. My mum is now saying that she wants to invite her friends to our wedding. We aren’t having a separate day/night do with extra guests arriving later etc, our only friends who are coming are in our bridal party because we wanted to keep it small and intimate. When I said this to my mum, she said I was being ungrateful and said I should remember that she is helping to pay for it.

My fiancé and I aren’t even inviting all the friends we would have invited in an ideal world because we want to keep numbers and costs down, and we had also wanted to keep it intimate. I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and she keeps bringing up the money. She wants to invite her three best friends and their partners, as well as at least four other friends and their husbands too. This would take us over the 50 guest list limit and the only way we’d be able to accommodate it is if my fiancé and I cut down our list of family or don’t have anyone in our bridal party!!

I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to upset my mum and she is helping us financially but I can’t help thinking she has had her wedding, my fiancé and I don’t want to invite loads of people who aren’t our own close friends. I don’t know how to broach this with my mum without her getting defensive, angry or upset with us. Does anyone have any tips or had a similar experience?

My mum tried this and at that point wasn’t even paying. So I told her if she paid she could invite who she wanted so she did. 😆. But yes I agree give the money back

I think the suggestion of giving the guest list to your mum with clear instructions on who cannot be taken off the list, (wedding party, DP family and your dad's family members) and telling her to decide who to take off from her family members is the right one.

The three best friends plus husbands is probably doable as it's only 3 over the 50 limit and you are bound to have someone drop out or say they can't come anyway. But the wider circle of friends can't be accommodated.

You're virtually being blackmailed. I'd turn the money down and sort your own wedding out. Your wedding. If she wants to celebrate with her friends, let her, before or after the wedding.

@FratersDadIsABeeGee

Just because op didn't plan to have evening guests, it doesn't mean she couldn't change the plan now these extra guests are potentially in the mix. As op hasn't returned we have no idea where in the planning stage she is not if the venue could accommodate 6 extra evening guests. It's certainly what I would do in this situation, I certainly wouldn't give up the "all day" slots if 50 is the max for the sit down meal.

To those saying don't take the money, this may not be an option, we don't know how much the mother is paying. To those saying it's not normal for parents to pay tens of thousands for a wedding - no it's not because not many people spend that much, just because wedding magazines claim that the average wedding costs £££ don't believe it- many couples marry on very tight budgets, as their weddings aren't at fancy venues these low budget affairs won't be in the average (we charge £1500 inclusive of the wedding, buffet for 80 and hall hire at work!)

Your guest limit is set but you must understand why she'd want her friends there, they've seen you grow up. Weddings are about more than a party for your friends, it's about two families coming together to support the young couple..

We split the guest list in three, a third for us and a third for each of our sets of parents. I've been married over 20 years and looking back we still see my parents friends who were at the wedding but see very few of our friends because we moved across the country a couple of years after we married. I'd certainly not invite all those friends to celebrate our silver wedding anniversary, just a select few.

‘Mum, we are really grateful for the money but if it’s got strings attached then we don’t want it anymore. We just want to get married with those closest to us and that doesn’t include your best mates. We’ll have to cancel this wedding and go with something a bit cheaper.’

Money with strings is not a gift: it is manipulation.
Give the money back and have the wedding you want.

Its 6 extra people to have your DM’s best friends. Why is 50 the magic number?
You won’t even notice 6 more on the day.

There's always someone with the perfect answer to an AIBU...

But it's never me🤦‍♀️ I'm always too late.

@bells2810 Tell your mum to keep shove her money and that your guest list has already been finalised. No more additions or you'll CANCEL THE WEDDING AND ELOPE!!

🤯😁
If I could turn back time, I would...

Give the money back and have the wedding day you and your fiancé want. It is your marriage being forged and witnessed, not a social event for your mother to peacock all over. She can throw her own party anytime.

Sounds like you need to develop a bit more resistance to emotional manipulation. Especially your mother's - you'll need it if children are part of your plan.

Pay for it yourself.... if you don't want any extras...easy...whats hard about this?

My DB and SIL - her parents were paying for the wedding and both sets of parents invited family friends (from both sides).

This worked really well for both of them but equally DB and SIL had equal numbers of their own friends invited a few of whom who didn't turn up and last minute too which pissed off SIL a bit, which is how it should be.

Your DM has had her own wedding, you really don't want lots of her friends who just really want a day/night out at a wedding and a lot of them probably rarely see you anyway. A bit different if they make an effort to see you/know you both well.

As a compromise to your DM you could say you could increase the guest list by e.g. 5-10 people whom you know well and have seen a bit (e.g. more family friends than her friends) but only if she pays/helps pay for most of them. SIL had met some of my DP's friends and vice versa with my DB having met some of her DP's friends but both were happy to have them there if they were more family friends/had a connection. It also helped that a few were interesting/arty (e.g. all got on well, had interesting jobs, gave nice gifts, not necessarily wedding list ones) so all of them got on.

I thought exactly the same @JenniferBarkley your mum just wants to share your special day with a couple of friends. What about a compromise of one couple out of the three OP? Or a subs bench, if someone drops out or can’t attend her friends get their spot?

I think sometimes if it's DM's best friends who aren't really bothered about the B&G they can sit around gossiping and dancing/getting drunk and not contribute much. Couples are much better generally (family friends) at mixing/making a wedding party more fun, ime/imo anyway.

Tell your mum no.
if it’s an issue, say ok mum then I won’t be able to accept they money, as we are doing our wedding our way.
tell her your disappointed and she has let you down.

love the line “gifts should come with ribbons not strings attached” using!!!

I'd have a chat with her, and explain your really grateful for the offer to help pay, but in a difficult situation as a small wedding suits you better and you'd feel awkward cutting out all your friends in case they find out her friends have been invited and they think that's your preference.

The only thing my parents could afford to pay towards our wedding was my wedding dress. PIL paid for cake. Some things we cut back on, bridesmaids - I wasn't fussed about anyway and asked someone we know to drive me to wedding location which I'm so glad I did - he came to house, and we had a good chat on way to wedding. We could only afford to pay for 40 guests. Although, both families would have wanted a few extras, they really couldn't make complain as we were paying. Like you, we had to cut quite a lot of friends off the list, but those friends came to see us get married and congratulate us there.

See, I can see where the OP's Mum is coming from. DS is getting married next year, I have a huge family (most of them not invited) but I have some very close friends that have been around and known my DC's since they were babies (as I have known their DC's)I have been to their DC's weddings and I would like to invite them to DS's. We are talking 8 people, four couples,and as I am contibuting towards the cost of the wedding I don't see a problem and am quite happy to pay extra for those 8 guests should they wish to come. Also there is no limit on the number of guests at the venue.

Have your own wedding and let your son invite who HE wants to his 🤨

That's fine if your son and his bride are happy with it and there's enough space. Completely different situation to OP's.

This. Or she will take over your whole day. Happened to me, wouldn’t want it happening to you.

How many does she want to invite? if its 2 I would let her, if 30+ go with the elope option.

I will say though I recently attended a very small, intimate wedding of 50 guests & there wasn't a separate evening disco. It was boring, the bridal couple just invited their immediate family & no friends at all. There wasn't any energy or liveliness from a mixed group of people as everyone knew each other. It was a bit flat to be honest but I would return the money to your mum and pay for it yourself.

Years ago my friend had the exact same issue as you and said to her mum “if the Queen can allow William and Kate to invite who they want even though she is paying for it then so can you!”.

I know she wasn’t paying but it still made me laugh when she told me

Her mum still didn’t budge so they declined the offer of help and got married a few years later when they had saved up (the mum was still a nightmare then)

Who would even want to go to a mates kids wedding anyway (apart from @HazelBite)😂 it’s rude to accept obligation invites for anything.

Give the money back and have the wedding you want and can afford. Just do a village hall if things are tight. At least it’ll be your day!