FIL expects me to serve his son

[Daisypowers]

Because I don't wait around on DP hand and foot like a 1950s housewife, FIL (69) thinks I'm lazy and a bad girlfriend. Whenever I'm there (this weekend for example) he will make little comments now and then. This weekend DP wanted to clean his walking boots in the garden, and FIL said 'oh maybe Daisypowers can do that for you' and gestured to me. Another time DP said he was going to make himself a sandwich after playing tennis and FIL said 'Daisypowers can do that for you, have a rest.' At the time I'd just sat down in the garden with a cup of tea to read my book after doing the food shop for everyone and deheading MIL's rose bushes because she's got a bad shoulder.

Me and DP are 35, both working full time, no kids, and do an equal share of everything domestically at home. DP perfectly capable of making a sandwich for himself. Both MIL and FIL quite old fashioned and MIL does absolutely everything for FIL - all the cooking, cleaning, puts out clothes for him to wear every morning, packs his suitcase for him when he goes on holiday etc. Should I say something? Really annoys me.

OP hasn't told him to stop though has she? I don't see why it would cause a huge row if she politely and firmly tells him that she is not her DP’s slave and that he's quite capable of doing things himself.

It's really not a generational thing. Not only is his sexist attitude not the norm even for his age (I'm in my 50s and my father in his 80s), but he is also being very rude to tell OP what to do.

It is not a generational thing. My Father would always help and was still washing up when he stayed with we and was well into his 80’s. My Dh would never behave like that. We share jobs

It's not a generation thing. Most men a generation older than him would not have been as bad as that. Most men of his age don't have that attitude.

@Pinkpeony2 It very much is a generational thing. Fact.

It isn't . Fact .

I have never come across the idea that we all stop learning at the age of 20. What a depressing thought! People are surely not so set in their ways at that age that they do not gradually evolve their views as society evolves and changes around them.

Yes, there was still a lot of sexism in society in the 1970s. Frankly, there is still a lot of sexism even now. But the concept of women's lib really took off in the 1960s, and my parents were certainly very conscious of bringing up my dsis and me without those sexist stereotypes in the early 1970s. And they are considerably older than this individual.

The world has moved on quite a lot since I was 20. I wouldn't be on here now if my own thinking hadn't moved along with the times.

EXACTLY!!
My father would have been in his 90s by now and he would NEVER have made such remarks.

In fact, tea-making, washing up/dishwasher duties, hoovering and heavy housework were all his jobs.

It is really incredibly ageist when people try to ascribe bigoted views to a consequence of being above a certain age.

I was taught way back in the 1970s that sexism and racism etc were wrong. I'm not surprised that there are still sexists and racists out there - sadly, I think there will always be some - but I'm astonished at how many people try to make excuses for them.

I'd just stare at him and say 'what is he 5? I'm sure a grown man can handle making a sandwich, why are you treating him like a child?'

I would say something but I can’t hold my water 😂 something along the lines of ‘oh FIL aren’t you old fashioned’ or ‘DP is a grown man who can wipe his own arse’

My MIL had DH in early 70s. She worked for a well known retail store. They didn't have maternity uniforms, so couldn't be on the shop floor once she began to show. She was expected to give up work once she had DH and look after the DC and the home. She didn't go back to work until DH was in teens.

When we went to my parents for the first time after DS was born, DH took him to the bathroom to change his nappy (long drive to their house). My parents and nan looked very surprised as he left the room and my nan asked if I was ill, otherwise why wasn't I changing the nappy! My DF and my grandad had never changed nappies. They soon got used to the fact that DH was perfectly capable of doing such things.

However, DM now lives in a retirement flat, since DF died. She still comments if she sees a husband of a couple living there, doing the laundry or cooking meals, as again DF never did those sort of things. They were very much a 1950s household. So I think she can cope with my generation sharing the household chores, but not her generation

Don’t rise to it, just say he’s perfectly capable of cleaning his own boots, or whatever, being confrontational only causes rifts. Dont let him wind you up he probably doing it deliberately.

It is a weird generation thing. My husband's gran once said to me that I should be doing all the cooking and his washing for him as he was the "bread winner". I just laughed and said he's quite capable of doing those things himself. For what it's worth we both work full time and I earn more than my husband (I obviously didnt tell her that). I said to my husband afterwards you should be doing EVERYTHING as I earn more 🤣.

I'd call him out whenever he says it, make him realise how ridiculous he sounds.

Definitely not an age thing! My ILs are in their 60s and my FIL would never say something like this, but if he did my MiL would have him out on his arse 😂

He is obviously trying to wind her up but that doesn’t mean he won’t back down if OP puts him in his place. He obviously doesn't expect her to. Men like him are often shocked when people stand up to them.

"It is a weird generation thing. My husband's gran once said to me that I should be doing all the cooking and his washing for him as he was the "bread winner"."

Again, it is NOT a generation thing; it's a your husband's gran thing.

It's not an age thing. My FIL is much older and does all the cooking and most of the food shopping.

It's an arsehole thing.

Where is your DP when these comments occur?
I would 100% expect mine to tell FIL that he neither required nor wants a slave and that he perfectly capable of doing his own boots and food and more than happy that you both share household chores.

I've got a Fil like this too. He actually said to me that a woman's place was in the home! He's also racist but I won't go into that now. I vote with my feet - I very rarely see him, the bellend.

Your partner should be dealing with this. Is he just sitting there quietly? Hi

My mum was the same as your FIL. Used to pull me up on my wifely failings, including how I wouldn't keep dh if I didn't have his dinner ready for him coming home after a hard days work.

A lack of wordly experience, having a small life and her own mum/sisters around he being similar simply meant she knew nothing that different. It is quite sad when you think about it.

You are in the privileged position, you do know better, and also know enough to understand why others, often older, might not. Just ignore/or joke about it and move on, it is not worth getting upset about.

"Does he need me to wipe his ar$e as well?"

I'd not be able to stay quiet on that but I'd also expect DH to say something. It's definitely an age thing but that's not an excuse, you're never too old to learn new ways (and to not be a dick...)

@getoff disagree, he needs to be challenged as it will just create an unpleasant atmosphere if he’s completely ignored especially if people he targets feel hurt or offended. It’s fine/appropriate to take that approach with a work colleague but with family you have to somewhat stand your ground without “ruining dinner”. If @Daisypowers says something to put him in his place and get a laugh from the room he may even think twice before saying it again. We need to make misogyny socially risky, it’s tit for tat and it can work quite well with bullies- so long as you don’t look like you’re taking yourself too seriously.

Ask him “why?” Then explain.

My exFIL used to do this constantly. After about 3 years of his shit I finally snapped and gave him a dressing down. MiL at the time laughed and applauded me and said it was about time.

ExH however never said anything despite me constantly complaining to him. He's an ex for many reasons, and this is just one of them.