FIL expects me to serve his son

[Daisypowers]

Because I don't wait around on DP hand and foot like a 1950s housewife, FIL (69) thinks I'm lazy and a bad girlfriend. Whenever I'm there (this weekend for example) he will make little comments now and then. This weekend DP wanted to clean his walking boots in the garden, and FIL said 'oh maybe Daisypowers can do that for you' and gestured to me. Another time DP said he was going to make himself a sandwich after playing tennis and FIL said 'Daisypowers can do that for you, have a rest.' At the time I'd just sat down in the garden with a cup of tea to read my book after doing the food shop for everyone and deheading MIL's rose bushes because she's got a bad shoulder.

Me and DP are 35, both working full time, no kids, and do an equal share of everything domestically at home. DP perfectly capable of making a sandwich for himself. Both MIL and FIL quite old fashioned and MIL does absolutely everything for FIL - all the cooking, cleaning, puts out clothes for him to wear every morning, packs his suitcase for him when he goes on holiday etc. Should I say something? Really annoys me.

Who cares if it "doesn't go down well". Don't make a joke. Just firmly explain that you are not your DHs slave and he can do things for himself. Ask them why they think it is your job? Do they realise that you are working and contributing equally financially? I wonder if I think you've got your feet up all day.

Thank god they never had girls
Think you hit the nail on the head there 😬

Why does it matter if it "causes trouble"?I wouldn't want to visit anyway if they continue to make those sort of comments.It is disrespectful.

Does he react when you ignore him @Daisypowers

I hate that type of attitude, stand up for yourself and don't "obey" those dinosaurs

Honestly making any kind of joke of it wouldn't go down well. The last thing he wants is to be shown up by/mocked by a woman. Probably just going to have to grit my teeth and ignore it aren't I?

Then let it not go down well. Their misogyny doesn't go down well, does it?

The thing is it is quite narcissistic behaviour and it is the old story about fighting with a pig. You both get dirty but the pig enjoys it. Grey rock, ignore, and don’t give him the response he wants definitely works better than having the row.

You don't know that he's going to enjoy OP pushing back. He might be enjoying saying what he likes and OP gritting her teeth more. The fact that the mother-in-law is saying the same kind of thing suggests they might genuinely think OP should be looking after their son for some reason and they need to be corrected.

You don't know that he's going to enjoy OP pushing back. He might be enjoying saying what he likes and OP gritting her teeth more. The fact that the mother-in-law is saying the same kind of thing suggests they might genuinely think OP should be looking after their son for some reason and they need to be corrected.

It a generation thing.

no it's a knob thing. My dad wouldn't dream of saying such knobbish things. Blimey, my Grandad wouldn't have said anything like that and he was born in 1913.

Another one saying it isn't a generational thing. OP's FiL would have been a teenager in the Sixties and a young man in the Seventies. Yes, as late as the Fifties and early Sixties women had to give up jobs in the civil service and teaching if they got married. Yes, as late as the early Seventies you couldn't get a mortgage without your father or husband signing up as guarantor. HOWEVER those rules and attitudes were being made or formed by people born in the Twenties and Thirties.

I feel slightly sorry for people trapped in sexist roles. Women who don't know how to manage finances at an utter loss when their partner dies or men who don't know how to cook or clean when their wife dies. Vice versa as well (my GM ran the finances).

I would find it so funny, I would encourage it "oh Fil you are hilarious, do another one go on!"

Oh ffs, it is not. The FIL is only 69. He was BORN in bloody 1953. He was age 27 in 1980!!!! This is absolutely ridiculous. He wasn’t raising a family in the 1950s! If he married very young, age 20, that would still be 1973 - a lot of women were working, it was past the feminism tipping point, bra-burning, years past Woodstock, free love, and all that. My gran had a job since the 1940s! You know, because of WW2, which OP’s FIL was born AFTER. My 93-year-old granddad raised me with her; he died two years ago now, but he sure as hell didn’t raise me to clean my DH’s boots. So how the hell is it a generational thing?! Your ageism is showing, and it’s not a better look than sexism. There is no excuse for being a twat like OP’s FIL, and the fact that there are plenty of 69-year-old MNers who aren’t cleaning boots nor making sandwiches nor packing anyone’s suitcase but their own, should show you that. “Generation thing.” Fucking honestly.

Don’t get me started about fucking ITV3 again.

MIL is early 70s she was bought up in a 1950s house and was very much the housewife in her relationship with FIL. She left school at 15 with no qualifications and went into retail. She had a job as she had no need to have a career as she was just going to get married and have children (as dictated by her parents and exactly the same as her peers) She was not encouraged to do well in the 11+ as it was not for the likes of them (her family). Once pregnant and showing she couldn't be on the shop floor and had to work behind the scenes, and then discouraged to coming back to work after having DC.

Although she brought her boys up to be independent, once they were living with prospective DILS she assumed the women would take on the household chores and look after any DC. She has now accepted that is not how it is in our household but it took some time to get her head round it and I am sure she thought I was lazy to start with!

Considering all the people telling OP to keep quiet are incredibly ageist, I suspect that they are also quite sexist and that's the real reason they think OP should keep quiet rather than challenge and upset the poor little man. The fact that people know an older person with his attitude doesn't mean it's a “generational thing”. There are sexist knobs in every generation and last thing people should do is not challenge them.

I too was brought up in a 1950's house. I left school at almost 18 where I gained two 'A' levels and then did a year's course in college of Advanced Business and Secretarial Studies .

When I later married , I had two children , in my twenties . I couldn't work as my DH did shifts of Earlies , Lates , and Nights [Policeman] and there was nobody who could look after them at the time .

So I waited till my youngest was four and took an evening job . My DH used to look after them both on Earlies and Nights , and my next door neighbour when he was on Lates.

My DH never expected meals on the table as soon as he came home, or his slippers warmed etc., he was an ordinary family man , as were all the husbands of our friends .

My df or dgfs weren't like this either

@butterpuffed but you were obviously encouraged/allowed to go further in education. MIL had to leave school at 15 and go to work to contribute to household expenses. If you didn’t go to grammar school you didn’t get qualifications. She was told 11+ and grammar school was not for her (by her family) Her peers were told the same. MIL was offered a trainee manager type role but her parents refused to let her take it up (needed dad’s permission). It was made very clear her role in life was to get married, have children and run a home.

I had a boyfriend in my early 20s whose parents were like this. I told them that "if he wanted a woman who would do things like that for him he was very welcome to go out and find one." He didn't end up with me by accident he liked an independent woman...

I'm not very convinced by her story and if it is true it was certainly not the norm. Everyone did the 11 plus exam at primary school. Her not doing it would be like her not sitting SATs at primary school today. She obviously didn't do well enough to go to grammar school. Not letting her train in a more senior role is odd too given that it would have paid more (they presumably wanted the money) and it would have meant she had more contact with senior/higher earning men (i.e. better man to marry).

My (extremely bright) mother was actively discouraged by her school from doing the 11+. Her family were not very educated and accepted it at the time, but it makes my mum quite angry now. She doesn't know why they didn't want her to do it... the only explanation that she can come up with was that her teacher's child was in the same year and that the teacher saw my mum as competition. Seems a bit far fetched, but who knows. It certainly wasn't the case at her primary school that everyone did the exam.

@dianthus101 it was the same for her peers. They were expected to leave school as soon as possible to start earning (FIL says the same). MIL wasn’t allowed to do the training course as meant moving away and her parents wouldn’t allow her to.

Think it was probably class/social thing, grammar school wasn’t ‘for the likes of them’. Social mobility has always been a problem

I agree that people were often expected to leave school and start earning money. I don't believe the part about grammar school though because everyone took the exams at primary school and there was no reason to prevent someone going. I'm not even sure how they would be prevented from going if they did well in the exams. Most probably she didn't do well.

Her parents would have told her she wasn’t going if she had got in!

If you said that where I could hear you'd be told to fuck off!