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Original poster

Should you leave flowers in the church after wedding ceremony!

340 replies

confuseddoesntcutit · 29/08/2022 10:41

Hi all,

So I'm getting married In 2 weeks, got the florist organised and al bouquets paid for.

We have asked for x1 pedestal arrangement and 8x little posy-jar arrangements to decorate the church. These, along with some buttonholes, bridesmaids posy's and my bridal bouquet have come to almost £900.

We had arranged for the florist to aid in moving the arrangements from the church to our reception venue after the ceremony, so we can continue to enjoy them.

I had a message from a family member today to say how hurt they are, and how rude and mean it seems to be - to 'swipe' the flowers from the church straight after the ceremony not leaving any behind.

I didn't realise that this was a thing. Maybe I'm in the wrong? Can anybody please explain?

OP posts:
GruffaIo · 29/08/2022 13:14

In an Anglican church, it's generally tradition to leave them. Perhaps your relative is worried it would look disrespectful to the church to take them and they believe the family will be embarrassed in front of those in the congregation who know them? It doesn't matter if you paid privately for the flowers or not, any fee charged by the church for the vicar, choir, bells, etc. is not the true cost of such a venue and it's seen as a sign of respect to leave the the flowers. It's similarly respectful to ask the vicar to the reception.

I really don't mean to sound pious. Now you know, perhaps reconsider or find a way to leave the flowers even if the florist needs their supplies back.

gogohmm · 29/08/2022 13:15

If a florist is arranging them they are yours, if you have given the church £50 to arrange the flowers they stay in the church

MigsandTiggs · 29/08/2022 13:16

NoSquirrels · 29/08/2022 10:56

Ask the church.

Traditionally you’d leave a pedestal arrangement, yes.

Think of the church less as a ‘venue’ you are decorating and more of a community you are celebrating with - let the rest of the community enjoy your celebration.

This.

pistachi0nuts · 29/08/2022 13:16

Is it possible to take them to reception and then take them back to church- would this please everyone? I'm also of the mindset that its your money and its well within your right to do what you want to do with your flowers. The church don't do weddings for free....take the flowers! have a wonderful day x

Wombat27A · 29/08/2022 13:19

I'd ask the vicar and your mil, as it's their church and her money.

They might want them moved, so they don't have ancient ladies having to clear them.

Alternatively, have some smaller display left, if they do want some and your mil really wants the ones she's paid for.

My entire wedding cost less than that and I'm tight but communication is the way forward here as you don't want to be disrepectful. The churches round here have several weddings in a day, so I don't know what they do.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 29/08/2022 13:26

Why on earth is a relative being so ridiculous to say they’re ‘upset’ about you choosing to do as you wish with something you’ve paid for? It’s absolutely nothing to do with them. Tell them so, and then do exactly as you wish with your property.

CupcakesK · 29/08/2022 13:27

any fee charged by the church for the vicar, choir, bells, etc. is not the true cost of such a venue
Baffled by all of the people citing 'tradition' when the tradition was you got married in your local church and paid nothing for that (perhaps a small amount for extras such as choir, flowers done by church etc). The Op paid £860 for the church service - seems like the true cost to me.

Think of the church less as a ‘venue’ you are decorating and more of a community you are celebrating with - let the rest of the community enjoy your celebration.
Surely a better celebration with your community is to donate to the church to afford repairs/heating/out-reach. Let the OP enjoy their flowers on their wedding day!

Goldunicorn · 29/08/2022 13:27

WeAreTheHeroes · 29/08/2022 12:59

I think paying the fee asked by the church shows enough respect @Goldunicorn - you're implying it is only respectful to leave your flowers when this is definitely not the case and hasn't been for many years.

Nope, not implying this at all.

The range of replies here suggests the OP is perfectly within her rights to remove all the flowers she is paying for; with some others are suggesting it’s traditional to leave some or all flowers in the church. My suggestion of finding a middle ground was merely in the interests of keeping as many people happy as possible. But if that’s not a preferred solution, fair enough 🤷‍♀️

Yesthatismychildsigh · 29/08/2022 13:28

Ah, I didn’t rtft, she’s paid for them? Surely she’s paid for them for your wedding, gifts shouldn’t come with clauses, but I’d imagine it does make it more difficult.

Drivebye · 29/08/2022 13:28

Historically flowers were left however I think this was where you provided flowers and the local church flower women arrange them. Where you are paying £££ for them to be professionally done then it's up to you and, like you, I would have taken them.

You have paid the church to have your wedding there and this goes towards keeping the church going.

Christmasiscominghohoho · 29/08/2022 13:34

Most people I have known take them.
They are your flowers to take.

Roselilly36 · 29/08/2022 13:36

Never known anyone one take flowers from the church after their wedding tbh.

babyjellyfish · 29/08/2022 13:37

My suggestion of finding a middle ground was merely in the interests of keeping as many people happy as possible.

I think the happiness of the people getting married and the person who has paid for the flowers carries more weight than that of some irrelevant busybodies though.

DillDanding · 29/08/2022 13:37

I think the flowers should remain.

Brigante9 · 29/08/2022 13:43

Do what you like if you’re paying (or your mil is, she can take them) I’d want to give the posies to nominated people. Sod ‘tradition’, which is purely peer pressure from dead people.

Tanith · 29/08/2022 13:45

"Whilst I agree that it's common practice for the flowers to be mostly left, saying they should be left for the Church service on the Sunday is batshit. Some Saturdays in the year they have no wedding(s.) How on EARTH do the poor Churchgoers cope with no pretty flowers to look at then?"

We arrange the flowers each week, sometimes there's a rota of flower arrangers; sometimes there is just one flower arranger. I've done it both ways - I was sole flower arranger for one church when I first started arranging.
Usually, we're given a certain amount to use for flowers, or we might have donations from people's gardens, or we might pay for them ourselves.
The church I arrange for at the moment has an account with a nearby market stall with a limit, or someone might donate them to us.

The reason for using the wedding flowers is that most flower arrangers do the arrangements on the Friday or Saturday, when most weddings are scheduled. We can't get into the church to arrange the week's flowers if there's a wedding on.
So the wedding party usually leaves the flowers in place for us instead (and most ask the church flower arrangers to do them anyway).

As I mentioned earlier, once the Sunday service is over, the flowers are often distributed to those who need them. A bigger church or Cathedral that works throughout the week will probably have the flowers left in place until the next arrangement is scheduled.

MumW · 29/08/2022 13:47

I'd have thought leaving the pedestal but taking the poses for the tables/gifting to relatives would be acceptable.

babyjellyfish · 29/08/2022 13:48

Sod ‘tradition’, which is purely peer pressure from dead people.

This.

babyjellyfish · 29/08/2022 13:50

The reason for using the wedding flowers is that most flower arrangers do the arrangements on the Friday or Saturday, when most weddings are scheduled. We can't get into the church to arrange the week's flowers if there's a wedding on.

You could after the wedding, or before the Sunday morning service. If someone has paid nearly a grand to use the church, the church can find a different time to arrange the flowers.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 29/08/2022 13:52

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 29/08/2022 13:05

@DobbyTheHouseElk

I can see why your relative is hurt. It’s not very Christian to take all the flowers. Assuming you are marrying on a sat. The church will be bare for the Sunday service.

That's a pretty odd response. Confused Whilst I agree that it's common practice for the flowers to be mostly left, saying they should be left for the Church service on the Sunday is batshit. Some Saturdays in the year they have no wedding(s.) How on EARTH do the poor Churchgoers cope with no pretty flowers to look at then? Shock

Show quote history

The church flowers are done by the ladies in the parish who volunteer to do them. As I said further down.

I don’t know why you think my response is odd. I’m only trying to explain what the relative will be thinking in an old fashioned, church community sense. Not my view. But I do understand the church community and how unintended upset is caused.

PuzzledObserver · 29/08/2022 13:53

Traditions vary from place to place. Clear communication is key, and I would say it was not your responsibility to know the local custom, but theirs to tell you.

When we got married, we were not hugely bothered about having flowers as we didn’t do the whole matching colour scheme thing. We had asked the church flower ladies to do some bigger displays than they would normally do for Sunday and we covered the cost.

As it turned out, there was a funeral the day before our wedding - all involved active church members. The funeral family approached us via the flower ladies and asked about colours, so they ended up just paying for the coffin arrangement int the same colours as the pedestal arrangements we paid for - Autumn colours, as it was an October wedding and I wore gold.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 29/08/2022 13:57

CupcakesK · 29/08/2022 13:04

It’s not very Christian to take all the flowers.

It's not very Christian to demand flowers, paid for and arranged by someone else, be left to be enjoyed by people not connected to the wedding

Thats not what I said. That’s what the relative thinks.

The church ladies would have done the flowers, probably for free, probably not to OP’s taste as they usually are elderly. They do the flowers every week. I know the dramas that are caused in churches. I have a relative who is one of those ladies. You could write a book on it.

DaffodilGreen · 29/08/2022 13:57

@confuseddoesntcutit if the church is special to you, speak to them and ask them what they’d prefer. They might be grateful for you to leave them. They might have plans afterwards and prefer you take them with you.

Just have the discussion and then you’ll attach no bad feelings towards of guilt towards the day/memories of the church.

KettrickenSmiled · 29/08/2022 13:58

I had a message from a family member today to say how hurt they are, and how rude and mean it seems to be - to 'swipe' the flowers from the church

Are they insane?
Who did they think paid for the flowers?
And why is it such a crime to move them to the reception, to be enjoyed by you & all your guests?

When you came back from honeymoon, did this relative castigate you about how hurt they are that you rudely 'swiped' your husband from the reception?

Floralnomad · 29/08/2022 13:58

@confuseddoesntcutit would it be possible to do some posy arrangements for the ends of the pews and then just leave them . You may even be able to do that yourself / get a friend to make it a bit cheaper .