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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I have outgrown men

580 replies

Namechanged007 · 28/08/2022 22:16

Before all the namalt brigade come along I'm well aware.

Thing is it's true I have outgrown the ridiculouness and childishness of men.

I'm married but even so I feel like I'd be better off alone most of the time. Nothing wrong with dh as such but I'm more able and stronger alone.

I have just been to the pub and all the women were complimentary of each other. Going with the flow. And enjoying themselves. The men were either grumpy or showing brovado. There was an incident on our table that involved new men intimidating each other and I just went home.

The thing is this isn't a table of young men. It's professionals and grown ups. I just cant be bothered with it.

None of the women got involved but it spoilt the night.

I told dh I don't have time for such pathetic behaviour.

It never ends. It doesn't matter how old or wise we become men seem to revert back to this strange behaviour.

I deal with it day in day out at my work and I simply can't be bothered. If I never had to see another man, mansplaining, dominating conversation, throwing their weight around, bravado, dick measuring, causing a scene in my life it would be too soon.

Absolutely done with it.

OP posts:
lissie123 · 29/08/2022 11:08

What about our sons and fathers?

Lunar270 · 29/08/2022 11:15

Revolvingwhore · 29/08/2022 10:41

Sounds like the women dragged the men along when they really didn't want to be there. This is why a lot of us don't do Enforced Couples Fun.

This is the worst thing ever. Can't stand it. Weddings, work dos.....

And why do these things often split with women talking in one group and men in the other?

Last time I did this with my wife I got stuck with two bald blokes. I've still got a full head of hair. They got talking about the transition between comb-overs and going Jason Statham 💤. I literally had nothing to add. Then investments....

I sympathise OP. I have some great mates but can't bloody stomach people talking about work and how many millions they've managed, or what Porsche they're buying next. It's tedious, insecure nonsense but often I find their wives equally irritating.

Staying indoors is the answer 😂

Afterfire · 29/08/2022 11:15

lissie123 · 29/08/2022 11:08

What about our sons and fathers?

My dad is one of the most selfish, narcissistic, useless men there is. He is a workaholic, chief executive for a large company and is good at his job but utterly selfish and shit at everything else. He’s been married 4 times. Very old fashioned, believes women should be at home etc. He is 80
however so very much in the older man’s camp - and still working full time even now.

My young son is wonderful and I love and adore him as his Mum but I can absolutely see the typical male trait of blinkered vision and selfishness etc that’s mentioned here. I still love and adore him but I wouldn’t want to be married to him!

ChrisTrepidation · 29/08/2022 11:18

YANBU x1000

Annieisalright · 29/08/2022 11:19

@5128gap

I've certainly seen the differences across generations

And older female family members have too

My mum often comments that my DH and my friends partners are all a lot better than most of the men she had to choose from when dating.

And when talking about our uni experiences and workplace experiences it varies greatly due to societal norms at the time

Younger men have never lived in a time where women weren't present in the workforce for example, whereas some older men might remember this time and their views are born from that.

My gran on the flip side also has never known of one of her friends to be married to someone who didn't abuse them, as it was more of a 'norm' in her time (she was even laughed at when trying to report my grand father to the police, and said when discussing the issue with family and friends most had the same at home so was told it was just how things were)

Peoples views on things are influenced by the generational norms they grew up with. I think it's silly for posters to claim this doesn't then transfer over to views and treatment of women.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 29/08/2022 11:25

You can't generalise like this, it's absolutely mad!

I have a wonderful DH and Son, they are both decent, honest, caring, respectable and lovely men. I also have a father and ExH, who are not so great. So, there you go, 50/50.

I have been treated badly, mostly by the women in my life, actually :

The friend who tried to seduce my first husband.
The other best friend who shagged my first husband.
The 2 close friends who didn't so much as ring me when they found out that my first marriage was ending.
The friend who attacked me, because man she liked, wanted a date with me, and not her.

Please don't try to make out that all women are saints - I have met many more unhinged women than men.

I think women are inclined to not be so bothered about dating, if they find themselves single, at say, 50 + : sex drive is (maybe) reduced due to menopause, they don't need to find a man to get them pregnant, because they have already had their kids (or decided not to have kids), they are more likely to be financially stable, so don't need a second income coming in, and also don't want to risk joining their finances with another person at this point...... there are a good number of reasons why a middle aged women, won't be as bothered about finding a mate, as a woman in her 20's, who doesn't have much choice, if she wants to start a family and have the whole white picket fence fantasy.

As for saying that we don't need men at all - how ridiculous! There are thousands of jobs that women choose not to do, that we rely on men to do :

99% of Vehicle technicians, mechanics and electricians are men
99% of Carpenters and joiners are men
98% of Plumbers and heating and ventilating engineers are men
98% of Electricians and electrical fitters are men
98% of Metal working production and maintenance fitters are men
97% of Mobile machine drivers and operatives are men
97% of Large goods vehicle drivers are men
97% of Fork-lift truck drivers are men
96% of Glaziers, window fabricators and fitters are men
96% of Floorers and wall tilers are men
96% of Electrical and electronics technicians are men
95% of Construction workers are men
95% of Taxi drivers are men
95% of Train drivers are men
92% of Fire service officers are men
91% of Window cleaners are men
90% of Aircraft pilots and flight engineers are men
90% of Butchers are men

I could go on, and on. Most women, (myself included) could not turn our hand to ultra heavy lifting work, or bricklaying, or working in the sewers, but guess what, it magically gets done - by men.

Of course, you don't have to date men, you don't have to even like men - but to write them off as "not required" is so preposterous, as to be laughable.

Men and women bring their own qualities to the table. It wasn't that long ago, where you could see that more easily at home - the symbiotic relationship, between a man and a woman - him going out to do a heavy grafting job, her keeping the home fires burning, and caring for the children. Things aren't really like that any more, and divorce rates are through the roof - is that a good thing (women can leave), or a bad thing because the symbiotic element is crumbling? I don't know. I do know that I like the fact that if my car breaks, I can ask my DH to look at it for me. I like the fact that if there's a noise in the night, I have my DH here, who is 6ft 3, and could get in between me and any intruder. I don't mind the fact that his fingers are so chunky that he can't sew, so if he needs a button sewed on I'm happy to do him that favour.

Regards this quote from a PP :

Today at an event sat next to my OH four times I thought he had finished talking. So I started to say something to the woman opposite, four times he started up again like a chainsaw. In the end I just rolled my eyes and shrugged making a chatting endlessly sign with my hand

If a man came on here, and said that about his wife, there would be hell to pay.

millymog11 · 29/08/2022 11:27

OP YANBU.

MorrisZapp · 29/08/2022 11:33

Women who want to be parents broadly need men.

Older men who want to fully participate in society broadly need women.

I see this all the time in my job. Women who are widowed, separated or single in later life often thrive and have time to support others too. The opposite is true of men. After their wife dies (or their mother, if they're single) their connection to the world withers and they fail to care for themselves.

Of course this is a huge generalisation, my own father being an anomaly who is extremely good at caring for himself and others, as well as having many outside interests. But broadly, I could write the script as soon as I hear 'widowed'.

SunnyD44 · 29/08/2022 11:35

Just be single then.

I actually think you are surrounded by the wrong men.

The pub incident sounds strange - most men are very laid back and get on easily with other men.
It’s often women who struggle with these things more than men.

These men just sound childish and petty.

Are you happy in your marriage or is that a stupid question?

I think if you were around different men you would feel very different.

SunnyD44 · 29/08/2022 11:38

I see this all the time in my job. Women who are widowed, separated or single in later life often thrive and have time to support others too. The opposite is true of men. After their wife dies (or their mother, if they're single) their connection to the world withers and they fail to care for themselves.

Is this because they’ve been mothered by their own mums and then mothered by their wives once they’re married?

So they don’t actually know how to do anything for themselves because they’ve allowed themselves to be babied.

AllAloneInThisHouse · 29/08/2022 11:39

For all of those women who can’t wait their husbands to die so you can be single!

Can you do everyone a favour?
Dump them!
That way for those of us (check my username) who’d like to have a relationship, could have more fish in the pool.

I mean it wouldn’t be a big deal to get that divorce for such a strong, independent, capable women, right?

EmmaH2022 · 29/08/2022 11:39

Witchcraftandhokum · 29/08/2022 10:52

You need to chose the men in your life better. I have both male and female friends including my male best friend. None of them behave like that, they'd get short shrift if they did, and in my experience some women are just as awful.

But aren't a lot of us here talking about the men we see generally, out in the world? We wouldn't befriend someone who behaved in some of the ways we have described.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 29/08/2022 11:44

I am old and can tell you that old men are the worst. Maybe they have become more twatish as they age or maybe they started out as twats, either way they are twats well worth avoiding.

Scianel · 29/08/2022 11:44

I don't think men improve with age. There's a nasty whiff of entitlement from the men in their late 40s who were my sweet, geeky uni friends once upon a time.
The ones that go odd are more tolerable.

milkyaqua · 29/08/2022 11:46

E. Jean Carroll's humorous book "What Do We Need Men For?: A Modest Proposal" is worth a read.

SunnyD44 · 29/08/2022 11:52

I am old and can tell you that old men are the worst. Maybe they have become more twatish as they age or maybe they started out as twats, either way they are twats well worth avoiding.

Without sounding ageist is this because the older generation put up with a lot more crap from men?

I hate some men and it’s depressing watching the news and it is always men who commit these awful crimes.

I feel sorry that my daughter has to grown up in a world where men are such a problem.

But I know it’s not all men and I have many male friends who I like more than my female friends.

In my relationships I have dealt with bad men but I do not put up with that now as I made a choice not to.

arrghhh · 29/08/2022 12:08

I'm 30. I find men to be all the same, predictable, boring, and selfish. I feel like recently I have 'the ick' for all men. I just feel so disgusted and fed up by them.

ShinyS1 · 29/08/2022 12:26

Afterfire · 29/08/2022 09:49

I feel this way. I think it’s definitely a menopause thing. When we’re younger we have oestrogen and it makes us feel nuturing and caring and we turn a blind eye to all this shit, even sometimes thinking it’s funny or endearing. Then when our oestrogen drops its like a curtain falling and you see men for what they really are, particularly older men who haven’t been pulled up on things in the way younger men have.

I always think it’s very telling that most older women choose not to remarry and want to live alone if they find themselves single again after 55 plus whereas men tend to make it a priority to find someone again.

This 100%. Men and relationships were so important to me, even though the men had major flaws, I excused them. Now at the age of 50 I see them (the ones I know) for what they really are, overgrown sulky toddlers.

Not saying women are perfect, mind, they're not, including me.

PaperMonster · 29/08/2022 12:29

Am with you.

wb3 · 29/08/2022 12:41

Men don't owe you a relationship.

If you can't find one you like that's your problem not theirs.

I don't like dogs; I don't have dog. Pretty simple really.

BiasedBinding · 29/08/2022 12:44

wb3 · 29/08/2022 12:41

Men don't owe you a relationship.

If you can't find one you like that's your problem not theirs.

I don't like dogs; I don't have dog. Pretty simple really.

She’s married Confused

no one who is agreeing with the OP is looking for a man, they are saying they are very happy without, just like you and your lack of dog

wb3 · 29/08/2022 12:45

The ladies doth protest too much.

BiasedBinding · 29/08/2022 12:46

Which ladies?

BiasedBinding · 29/08/2022 12:46

Maybe you are protesting too much about the dog thing, or is it just women who don’t know their own minds?

ideasmirrour · 29/08/2022 12:47

Oh dear, has a link to this thread got on some kind of incel / MGTOW board? 😂

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