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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“I love you both, I just love Daddy a bit more as he’s the best”

149 replies

StarDolphins · 28/08/2022 21:20

I know I Abu.

the title is what my 6yo DD said to me at bedtime & i just wanted to cry. I didn’t show it of course but I was like really? He hardly does anything with you.

Fun Bobby has her x2 per week - tea 1 night if he finishes work early & then Sat from 9-4. She always wants to come home rather than having a sleepover at Daddy’s but I literally do EVERYTHING for her.

i am calmer, I’m a better role model, I am her constant playmate, I literally plan every day so it’s fun. Me & my DD are loving & we both have a good, shared SOH together.

my ex does no parenting whatsoever at all but because he’s coco the clown part-time, she loves him more☹️

I know I’m being pathetic & ridiculous. I know I am. I am sensible & stable & level headed bit I just want to say to her (never would, I always agree with her how wonderful Daddy is) “he does f all apart from walking round clapping & singing “there’s only 1 <his name>“. & she thinks this is amazing.

Please can anyone tell me that at some point I might be flavour of the month?! Or just a bit of recognition for all the donkey work & dedication?

OP posts:
HyggeandTea · 28/08/2022 21:22

DD is 6. Next week she may love her teacher the best.
It's not a competition, she is a child, and I guarantee you she loves you more than all the moon and the stars x

NameChangeLifeChange · 28/08/2022 21:24

As her mum and primary care giver you are 100% her whole world and exactly who she would want when upset/scared/ill. One day when she’s older she will reflect on her relationship with each of you and realise the time, effort and love you put into her. In the long game you win 10000 x over Flowers.

eldora · 28/08/2022 21:25

She loves you more. Guaranteed.

BloodyCamping · 28/08/2022 21:25

i Suspect it’s normal for the person doing the donkey work to be taken forgranted. With time she will have more comprehension. However maybe you could have more fun at home?

MsPavlichenko · 28/08/2022 21:25

Do you ask her the question?

Londoncatshed · 28/08/2022 21:26

Pls don’t take this too seriously. Honestly, it will change over the years and then back again with a teacher and grandparent thrown in the mix.
One of my DC was a horrendous sleeper and I patiently looked after and cared for them every night. I was contacted by the school as said child had been very upset; turns out they were sad that their teacher wasn’t their mum 😬 I was not so patient that night!
Your daughter feels safe with you and it’s good she can express that she loves her Dad etc. When she feels unwell, I bet it’s you she wants.
Wait until she is a teen and tells you she can’t wait to leave home and be away from you. Honestly, parenting can be hard!

NuffSaidSam · 28/08/2022 21:27

You might have to wait until she's 30, but she will realise who has done what at some point. No-one fully appreciates their mum at age 6.

budgiegirl · 28/08/2022 21:27

She loves you. But 6 year olds are little gits sometimes. My 6yo came home after playing at her friend G's house and said to my DH "I love you daddy, but G's daddy is the best daddy in the world"

She didn't mean it, and your DD doesn't mean it either. You're her world. She doesn't doesn't always realise it!

JustLyra · 28/08/2022 21:27

You will be. It might be a while off but it’ll be there.

I split up with my ex when my girls were babies. Over the years their father was very often the favourite - even when he was being a dick.

it took his Mum (they’re NC) to point out that he was the favourite just like Alton Towers was the favourite over rhe local place they asked me to take them 2/3 times a week. He was like a big day out. A treat and a rarity. Whereas I was like their favourite homely blanket.

It takes maturity to realise that the homely blanket is fundamentally way more important in life than the rare day out.

mistermagpie · 28/08/2022 21:28

Did you ask her who she loved most?

Doremisofarsogood · 28/08/2022 21:30

Yep she'll definitely appreciate everything that you do for her. Just not now! Me and DH are together but I do 90% of everything for and with DD. She thinks Dad is be best and the most fun, basically because he just lets her game as much as she likes when he is home alone with her. I tell myself that one day she'll appreciate all the boring, mundane stuff that I've done for her!

Thefailinghousewife · 28/08/2022 21:31

Ds often says this to me as it’s a bit of a running joke in our house that I’m not his favourite parent ever (I know it’s bad when he ranks me after his dads girlfriend and I’m 4th favourite parent!) BUT, in the middle of the night when he has a nightmare he runs to me. If he fell over, he would want me. If he has a problem at school then it’s me he opens up to. So being fun is all very well and good, but when the shit hits the fan your daughter will want you by her side. Try not to take it personally (I know it’s easier said than done) Flowers

whumpthereitis · 28/08/2022 21:32

It shouldn’t matter, now or when she’s an adult. She’s got, and will have, individual relationships with you both, and she’s allowed that.

Don’t put it on her that she ‘owes’ either parent more or less love. She doesn’t. She loves you both, that’s all that matters, surely?

DustinsHat · 28/08/2022 21:32

I was a bit like this when I was a child. What i really meant was that I missed my dad, not that I loved him more. But I didn't know what I was feeling or how to express it at the time.

TheNoodlesIncident · 28/08/2022 21:34

She'll see through that in time though, I wouldn't worry about that. All children wise up as to who is doing the better, more involved job at parenting.

I don't know what prompted her to say that but I can understand how crushed you felt. My DS (at 5) said chirpily that he liked me OK, but he liked "Dad much better". I had to move away to the other side of the garden to regain my composure. He didn't notice, he has ASD and considering how I would feel hearing that just wasn't within the realms of his capabilities. He didn't mean to hurt me but I've never forgotten the anguish it caused. And to be very fair, his dad is very much more fun than me, so I couldn't blame him for feeling that way.

Your DD will absolutely favour her dad much less when she has the capacity to assess, which she doesn't now. ("Fun Bobby" made me laugh. Take away the alcohol and where are you, Fun Bobby?!)

yougotthelook · 28/08/2022 21:34

StarDolphins · 28/08/2022 21:20

I know I Abu.

the title is what my 6yo DD said to me at bedtime & i just wanted to cry. I didn’t show it of course but I was like really? He hardly does anything with you.

Fun Bobby has her x2 per week - tea 1 night if he finishes work early & then Sat from 9-4. She always wants to come home rather than having a sleepover at Daddy’s but I literally do EVERYTHING for her.

i am calmer, I’m a better role model, I am her constant playmate, I literally plan every day so it’s fun. Me & my DD are loving & we both have a good, shared SOH together.

my ex does no parenting whatsoever at all but because he’s coco the clown part-time, she loves him more☹️

I know I’m being pathetic & ridiculous. I know I am. I am sensible & stable & level headed bit I just want to say to her (never would, I always agree with her how wonderful Daddy is) “he does f all apart from walking round clapping & singing “there’s only 1 <his name>“. & she thinks this is amazing.

Please can anyone tell me that at some point I might be flavour of the month?! Or just a bit of recognition for all the donkey work & dedication?

My dd is 17 now and for years she was a daddy's girl.
But if she's poorly she wants me
If she's upset she wants me
If she's got a secret she wants me
Her dad is also a fun dad and she adores him.
But mums rock!
Xxx

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/08/2022 21:35

Oh they are just like this at this age - favourites swing round.

Also you are the sea she swims in, so she maybe does take it for granted a bit.

However I can assure you:

1 You are no 1 parent, he isn’t around enough for it to be otherwise

2 when she is properly sentient she will appreciate that

So he might have won a battle, but you will win the war!!! 🔫💪🥷 (only kidding (not ))

chillipenguin · 28/08/2022 21:36

You are her safe space. Her reliability. She knows you will be there whatever. She just doesn't know that this is what love is, at the moment she thinks it's who is funny.

Simonjt · 28/08/2022 21:37

My seven year old currently loves the nextdoor neighbour most as they have three dogs, a few weeks ago before they went on holiday he asked if he could move in for a bit. Before then he loved grandma the most because she let him pick a flannel from the flannel draw. Its just what they do, they often don’t tell their parents they love them as they don’t need to earn their parents love.

carefullycourageous · 28/08/2022 21:38

She doesn't love him more, she just finds him more of a novelty and less of a parent.

It is possible he asked her this question, which would be a shitty trick to pull.

J0y · 28/08/2022 21:39

eldora · 28/08/2022 21:25

She loves you more. Guaranteed.

Absolutely this, I think saying ''I love Daddy more'' is kind of like a fawn response.

Thepossibility · 28/08/2022 21:41

My brother is a single dad who literally does everything for his DD and my nieces mother is a selfish junkie. She is desperate for her mother's love so is all over her. Mummy mummy everything. I feel sorry for my DB but it is true, he is her safe space. And in a child's mind they are thinking if they just love their deadbeat parent that little bit more, then they might just step up and love them back.

PestoPasghetti · 28/08/2022 21:41

When I was about that age my mum was upset over something, so I gave her a cuddle and reassured her that I loved her almost as much as my teddies... I bet that cheered her up no end!

Your daughter loves you infinitely, but she's never known any different so just accepts it as ordinary and 'base-line'. With her dad though the love she experiences is less secure so she feels she can quantify it. I hope that makes sense!

99redballoonsgobyy · 28/08/2022 21:41

I think this is quite common that dad's are seen as the more "fun" parent as dad's mostly do get the best times. whilst mums deal with all the day to day boring stuff and like you say do everything for their kids whilst dad's just have to play with them.Even parents that are still together it's the same I've always noticed that my 2 dcs prefer their dad as I've always been the one that's seen to all their needs but dad just has to play for an hour when he gets home from work it's kinda like having an extra kid and they love it. I'm just boring old mum.
I've heard the same from other mums too so you are not alone.

carefullycourageous · 28/08/2022 21:42

And in a child's mind they are thinking if they just love their deadbeat parent that little bit more, then they might just step up and love them back. Sad This is very accurate.