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Original poster

To think ‘fag hag’ is an appalling thing to call someone?

142 replies

TimeAtTheBar · 27/08/2022 19:42

I went out to the pub last night with my husband and our friend who happens to be a gay man. We bumped into another mutual friend (also a gay man, but younger) and then another married couple I know socially. One of the couple (the one I don’t know as well) called me a fag hag. Quite nastily in my opinion, not in an affectionate way.

I know he meant because I was the only woman out with a bunch of gay men (and my husband!) but that’s just the way the evening fell, and I think it’s a wildly offensive thing to say. This is a man in his early 20s, so it’s not a throwback to when it might have been ‘acceptable’.

I’ve been ruminating on it all day, as you do. He was fucking rude, right? Not the most pressing issue ever but I’m bored and home alone so I thought I’d throw it to the vipers.

OP posts:
BrownStripePJ · 28/08/2022 10:06

Were there 3 gay male couples with you and one of the gay guys said it?

Or was it 2 gay couples 2 straight and the straight guy said it?

MRex · 28/08/2022 10:10

Offence is based on intent. If he intended to be rude, then it was rude.

I wouldn't mind it said affectionately by a genuine friend, I would object to the youngster being rude.

maddy68 · 28/08/2022 10:13

The gay community has used the offensive terms given to them , queer, fag, etc etc and reclaimed them so they own them.

It is not meant offensively it's the opposite

For example. My friend is running an event next week called "queer bash"

It's reclaiming all those horrible terms and making it positive

Original poster
TimeAtTheBar · 28/08/2022 10:15

BrownStripePJ · 28/08/2022 10:06

Were there 3 gay male couples with you and one of the gay guys said it?

Or was it 2 gay couples 2 straight and the straight guy said it?

Me and DH

Friend 1 (long-standing friendship, he’s long term single and we spend a lot of time together). We were on a planned night out.

Friend 2 (newer friendship, met through doing the same line of work, also single). We met in his pub and he finished early to join us.

Friends 3&4 (married MM couple, I know one much more than the other, don’t really socialise with them) literally said hello at the bar and carried on a conversation, the younger husband who I know less said the comment.

Pure coincidence that all are gay, I have lots and lots of friends of both sexes and all orientations.

OP posts:
CaptainFlubby · 28/08/2022 10:21

maddy68 · 28/08/2022 10:13

The gay community has used the offensive terms given to them , queer, fag, etc etc and reclaimed them so they own them.

It is not meant offensively it's the opposite

For example. My friend is running an event next week called "queer bash"

It's reclaiming all those horrible terms and making it positive

Calling a woman a ‘fag hag’ is not reclaiming the phrase and making it positive for the gay community.

CaptainFlubby · 28/08/2022 10:24

maddy68 · 28/08/2022 10:13

The gay community has used the offensive terms given to them , queer, fag, etc etc and reclaimed them so they own them.

It is not meant offensively it's the opposite

For example. My friend is running an event next week called "queer bash"

It's reclaiming all those horrible terms and making it positive

Also ‘hag’ is traditionally a term used to offend women. Old hag has been used for hundreds of years against women. It relates to witch accusations, insulting older women etc. It has deep rooted misogyny. Stop trying to defend it on behalf of the gay community, it’s not acceptable.

Procrastination4 · 28/08/2022 11:35

gatehouseoffleet · 27/08/2022 20:00

I thought this was completely different - ie an unattractive woman with a fag hanging out of her mouth!

I did as well! I never used the phrase though.

Upsidedownagain · 28/08/2022 11:41

Any kind of label is demeaning (except as a joke which it is not clear this was intended to be) as it dehumanises the person. It's irrelevant to OP whether other posters have gay male friends who call them by this term. This guy is only an acquaintance and there ws no need to label her as anything. She should have been treated as a person. ( Would it be ok to call someone a fat bitch or stupid woman or refer to their race in a derogatory way etc?). I teach primary and I often tell kids that they should not use rude words or labels about each other.

Yes the word "queer" has been reclaimed but there are lots of other words for all kinds of groups of people that haven't. Plus as a straight woman I would stick to using the term "gay" rather than "queer" unless I knew the person was fine with it.

Mossygreenchypre · 28/08/2022 11:55

Don't let his comment spoil the rest of your weekend by overthinking his remark.
Some people just love to score points by making others feel uncomfortable, then pass it off as a joke.
If he's on the peripheral of your social circle then hopefully you won't meet up too often, otherwise looks like you just met a new frenemy.

juice92 · 28/08/2022 21:23

I am affectionately called this by many of my gay friends and always have. I wouldn't be offended, but then I didn't hear the tone it was said etc

DinosaurDuvet · 28/08/2022 21:27

i am a self confessed faghag, I’ve only ever heard being used in an affectionate & joking way

bellac11 · 28/08/2022 21:31

Anewdayanewdawn · 27/08/2022 19:45

It’s how many gay people
refer to straight women who hang out with grps of men. Not everyone likes a straight hanger on. You must know that?
I wouldn’t have said it to your face but probably would be thinking it…

A straight hanger on??

Are we defining people by their sexuality now and deciding that a person cant be friends or have a night out with another person due to their sexuality?

gatehouseoffleet · 28/08/2022 22:11

Sounds like it. Can you imagine the reaction if you said gay men shouldn't hang around with straight people?

I had genuinely never heard the expression. I think it's rude and sexist and shouldn't be used. And I think the OP was right to find it offensive.

Anewdayanewdawn · 28/08/2022 22:15

‘Sounds like it. Can you imagine the reaction if you said gay men shouldn't hang around with straight people?’

well, maybe everyone in a group of girls out for the night would prefer that there wasn’t a guy hanging out with them- it changes the dynamic… and that works both ways…

Sometimeswinning · 28/08/2022 23:15

Anewdayanewdawn · 28/08/2022 22:15

‘Sounds like it. Can you imagine the reaction if you said gay men shouldn't hang around with straight people?’

well, maybe everyone in a group of girls out for the night would prefer that there wasn’t a guy hanging out with them- it changes the dynamic… and that works both ways…

Nope. Never had an issue with it.

Not one of my friends would want you to be with us. That's not because you're gay or a man. Your personality is vile. Your opinion of women is offensive.

I'm just glad the men in my life are lovely and choose us everytime! I will be asking them what they think of your comments though.

Trying20 · 28/08/2022 23:25

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FiveDollarMilkshake · 28/08/2022 23:38

Anewdayanewdawn · 28/08/2022 22:15

‘Sounds like it. Can you imagine the reaction if you said gay men shouldn't hang around with straight people?’

well, maybe everyone in a group of girls out for the night would prefer that there wasn’t a guy hanging out with them- it changes the dynamic… and that works both ways…

And here you are still banging on about the OP being out with a group of gay men and “spoiling the dynamic” when that’s clearly not what happened.

Do you have problems in comprehension or are you deliberately misunderstanding what happened on this night out?

Sometimeswinning · 28/08/2022 23:42

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Might or might not what? Hang out with him? I don't think either of us are devastated 🤣 Suprised anyone needed to point this out! He's vile.

Trying20 · 28/08/2022 23:42

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Sometimeswinning · 28/08/2022 23:52

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Why am I vile? Because I don't think we should judge each others sexuality when choosing our friendship

You don't like me because I disagree with you. I'm devastated at someone I don't know not liking me 🤣 (That was a reflection of your comment above, incase you needed it)

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 28/08/2022 23:57

Don't take any notice, these are just words. I think a lot of people are overly sensitive of what others think or imply. Who gives a damn?

Trying20 · 28/08/2022 23:59

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Sometimeswinning · 29/08/2022 00:10

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Nope. Just you and your vile mate.

You quoted and went after me! So thats a bit unfair.

Im just going to assume you have an issue with women. Jealousy. Anger. Its always one of those. Either way, I agree we're done. I certainly won't wish you a good evening 🤣

Trying20 · 29/08/2022 00:18

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Sometimeswinning · 29/08/2022 00:40

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I don't think you see the irony/double standard of your post.

You didn't choose the person saying women were fag hags. You didn't choose the person saying women need to know their place. You also didn't choose anyone else replying. You chose me.

Most of us function throughout a day and night hanging out with hetro/gay/trans and not alienate anyone or bitch about them. So I'm not sure what you're defending. But carry on.