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Original poster

To think ‘fag hag’ is an appalling thing to call someone?

142 replies

TimeAtTheBar · 27/08/2022 19:42

I went out to the pub last night with my husband and our friend who happens to be a gay man. We bumped into another mutual friend (also a gay man, but younger) and then another married couple I know socially. One of the couple (the one I don’t know as well) called me a fag hag. Quite nastily in my opinion, not in an affectionate way.

I know he meant because I was the only woman out with a bunch of gay men (and my husband!) but that’s just the way the evening fell, and I think it’s a wildly offensive thing to say. This is a man in his early 20s, so it’s not a throwback to when it might have been ‘acceptable’.

I’ve been ruminating on it all day, as you do. He was fucking rude, right? Not the most pressing issue ever but I’m bored and home alone so I thought I’d throw it to the vipers.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 27/08/2022 20:18

It's a gay term. It's not for you to be offended on their behalf

It's because it was on w considered offensive that it's been owned by the gay community. educalingo.com/en/dic-en/fag-hag

Rogue1001MNer · 27/08/2022 20:21

Haven't heard it outside the pages of Tales of the City.
Great books

Sometimeswinning · 27/08/2022 20:21

tobee · 27/08/2022 20:05

Yes all gay people are the same Hmm

Show quote history

The gay men I know hang out with straight women. Sounds like that's an issue you and your friends have with women.

I'm cool with being a fag hag. Well I was in 2000. Now I'd just think what a twat. I wouldn't give head space to being offended. Maybe he fancied your husband!!

Original poster
TimeAtTheBar · 27/08/2022 20:21

maddy68 · 27/08/2022 20:18

It's a gay term. It's not for you to be offended on their behalf

It's because it was on w considered offensive that it's been owned by the gay community. educalingo.com/en/dic-en/fag-hag

Er, I was offended on MY behalf.

He was implying heavily that I was a hanger on. He’s obviously a bit insecure or whatever. But it wasn’t some Big Gay Night Out that I’d crashed and that’s how he was trying to make me feel.

I did call him a godawful bitch for it though so fell right into the stereotype 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

OP posts:
CaptainFlubby · 27/08/2022 20:22

Anewdayanewdawn · 27/08/2022 19:45

It’s how many gay people
refer to straight women who hang out with grps of men. Not everyone likes a straight hanger on. You must know that?
I wouldn’t have said it to your face but probably would be thinking it…

Then you’re an absolute twat @Anewdayanewdawn

You would assume that a woman out with her friends who happen to be gay and her husband that she was a ‘hanger on’ and that they resent her being there? What sort of hidden misogyny haunts you inside?

OP it’s a shitty thing to say, repeated by wankers. Ignore it.

tobee · 27/08/2022 20:24

maddy68 · 27/08/2022 20:18

It's a gay term. It's not for you to be offended on their behalf

It's because it was on w considered offensive that it's been owned by the gay community. educalingo.com/en/dic-en/fag-hag

Who are these people who say things like this? Tell anyone what they can and can't be offended by?

Sometimeswinning · 27/08/2022 20:26

maddy68 · 27/08/2022 20:18

It's a gay term. It's not for you to be offended on their behalf

It's because it was on w considered offensive that it's been owned by the gay community. educalingo.com/en/dic-en/fag-hag

What??? It's aimed at women who hang out with gay men. It is not a gay term. It belongs to us and we can choose to be offended or not.

You don't get to decide if I'm offended or not!

SammyScrounge · 27/08/2022 20:43

Polkadotties · 27/08/2022 19:59

Its not offensive. I’ve got a friend who is straight and she has a lot of male gay friends, she refers to herself as a fag hag

She needs her consciousness raised.

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 27/08/2022 21:09

Oh gosh! I thought that they were criticising you for lighting up at first!
To be called a fag hag because you have gay friends is utterly disgusting! Irrespective of who says it.

Firty · 27/08/2022 21:20

I think I’d have laughed and said “Fag hag? How 1990s are you?!”

But yeah it’s very rude. Even in the 90s I thought it was misogynistic, has overtones of women not knowing their place and not being cool enough to hang with the gay guys 🙄

Don’t care whose slang it is or how affectionately some mean it, there’s never a good time to call a woman a hag of any kind.

gatehouseoffleet · 27/08/2022 21:27

But yeah it’s very rude. Even in the 90s I thought it was misogynistic, has overtones of women not knowing their place and not being cool enough to hang with the gay guys

isn't everything always about women not knowing their place!

flawlessfilter · 27/08/2022 21:32

OP if he’s insulting you then he probably doesn’t like you. And that’s fine. We all meet people at some point that dislike us for little or no reason.

What’s not fine is him making it obvious when he could just be civil and limit his interaction with you. It’s pathetic so don’t let him live in your head rent free.

Next time I saw him I’d be like “Hellloooo it’s your favourite fag hag again”

hangrylady · 27/08/2022 21:33

Bit retro, but I don't think it's an insult, or it never used to be anyway!

Thingstodotoday · 27/08/2022 21:42

StridTheKiller · 27/08/2022 20:01

Yet God help you if you say something offensive to a LGBQT.

What the fuck are you on about? 🙄 A (should be “an” thicko) LGBQT (sic) what?

Upsidedownagain · 27/08/2022 21:42

Not an insult maybe but I think it is intended to be somewhat derogatory. I see it as a woman who is a bit pathetic for hanging out with men who won't be interested in her. So I can understand you being upset OP. And even if I'm wrong, the guy clearly intended it to be rude, rather than funny. It's an attempt to make you feel out of place and uncomfortable.

FOJN · 27/08/2022 21:42

I haven't heard it used since before this arsehole was born.

If I'm understanding some posters correctly it's OK for a gay man to use the word fag because he's reclaimed a derogatory term and then he gets a free pass on calling a woman a hag.

Used on their own both of those words would be considered insulting but apparently it's fine when they're used together by a gay man to insult a woman but she's unreasonable for feeling offended by an intentional insult.

OK then.

Women know your place.

Hillrunning · 27/08/2022 21:42

Anewdayanewdawn · 27/08/2022 19:45

It’s how many gay people
refer to straight women who hang out with grps of men. Not everyone likes a straight hanger on. You must know that?
I wouldn’t have said it to your face but probably would be thinking it…

Would you also have had a problem with the OPs husband who was also hanging out with a predominantly guy group? Do straight men get called fag hag or is there an equivalent term?

OP I would have been insulted. It has undertones of suggesting you are friends with the group purely because they are gay rather than you liking them as friends. Which is both insulting to you and them!

Upsidedownagain · 27/08/2022 21:49

From wikipedia:

fag hag is, in gay slang, a woman who associates either mostly or exclusively with gay and bisexual men. The phrase originated in gay male culture in the United States and was historically an insult.[1] Some women who associate with gay men object to being called fag hags while others embrace the term

AgeofAdelaide · 27/08/2022 21:50

Retro! Not okay anymore but maybe they didn’t know?

KimberleyClark · 27/08/2022 21:54

gatehouseoffleet · 27/08/2022 20:00

I thought this was completely different - ie an unattractive woman with a fag hanging out of her mouth!

That’s what I thought too.

Anewdayanewdawn · 27/08/2022 21:56

Look, if the shoe fits… it’s not a big deal, most of my gay male friends have a hag or two in tow.

ImBoilingJackie · 27/08/2022 21:57

Years ago I used to work with a woman who labelled herself a 'fag hag'. She only fancied gay men and used to try to flirt with them. Over and over again. She knew full well they would not be romantically interested in her. Then she'd broken-heartedly sob over her coffee at break time. And move on to the next unattainable male.

Anewdayanewdawn · 27/08/2022 21:58

It’s a bit 90s though… remember My Best Friends Wedding when it was so cool and trendy to have a Gay BFF. The most annoying thing about some fag hags is that they often have a completely different attitude towards gay women.

FiveDollarMilkshake · 27/08/2022 21:59

He sounds rude and misogynistic OP.

Don’t put up with that if he ever tries it again. Yes you were obviously cramping his style by being out with the men even if one of them was your husband! He tried to make you feel like you didn’t belong, that’s unpleasant of him.

Butchyrestingface · 27/08/2022 22:04

Only people I've ever heard used this term were gay men referring to women who have gay male friends. They used it in a jokey way (or so I thought).

But you were there and only you know how it was said.