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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and his car

127 replies

Deliverooaddict · 26/08/2022 17:33

We went out in his car last night and his driving was making me uncomfortable and when I asked him to slow down he wouldn’t because he was doing 70 so not doing anything wrong, then he got pissed off with me all night because I apparently don’t trust him. He’s been driving 10 years, 6 points on his licence, waiting to get done for drink driving and has had 3 accidents in the past year as well as a section 59. I’m not even exaggerating. He’s always getting posted on the local fb group.
It’s not the speed that scares me he’s just so reckless, brakes too late for my liking. He speeds everywhere and goes in between cars. He’s 39 so not a young driver and there’s no excuse for it, and it doesn’t help his car is falling apart from the accidents he’s had. The worst thing is his brother died from driving dangerously. I drive also.

So AIBU for refusing to go in the car with him again? This was the first time in nearly a month and if he won’t even slow down when I ask then I don’t know what to do. Now I’m getting the silent treatment. I am secretly hoping he loses his licence for the drink driving so I don’t have to feel anxious every time he steps foot in his car.

OP posts:
LividLaVidaLoca · 27/08/2022 07:12

Oh no.

I doubt you’ll come back to this thread because it appears you’re getting a pasting, but if you’re still reading I hope you’re listening.

You need to leave him, and get help on here keeping your daughter safe. It sounds like he’s the sort of man who would drive even banned, so be prepared for that.

Shade17 · 27/08/2022 08:01

If he provided a positive sample, be it in breath, blood or urine he would not be permitted to continue driving pending a court case.

Of course he would! The court hearing could be a couple of months away and only they can impose a ban of any kind.

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 27/08/2022 09:19

@Shade17, drink driving cases are, as a rule, brought to a Magistrates Court and processed exceptionally quickly, often listed fo a ' plea' hearing within days, and, unless a 'not guilty' plea is entered and it is listed for trial, a disqualification and other penalties will be imposed with immediate effect

BeBraveLittlePenguin · 27/08/2022 09:26

I had a case where the man's brother had been paralysed in an accident in part through his own shit driving. The man continued to drive like a tosser, and collided at speed with another car, killing both blameless occupants and indeed himself. His toerag family said at least he went out doing what he loved Hmm
Some people are unfortunately cunts, your DP being one of them.

Pixiedust1234 · 27/08/2022 09:41

Everyone saying that he will probably lose his licence, problem fixed. But it won't be. He's the type to carry in driving, with no insurance, and drunk. It won't stop him as its his personality. As another pp said, its arrogance, disrepect and plain nastiness. Oh...and if he does lose his licence he will lose his job. I hope you are earning enough to pay for him for years to come.

OP, go speak to a womens charity or CAB and get advice on how to protect yourself and your daughter. You need to leave. Nothing you have posted gives the suggestion his attitude or behaviour will get better. It will only get worse.

phishy · 27/08/2022 09:50

Deliverooaddict · 26/08/2022 17:36

weve been together for 3 years and have a child together it’s just his driving that’s the issue

He is giving you silent treatment and you think his driving is the only issue?

I think you’re deluding yourself. Which is fine for you but not fair to keep your poor child in this environment.

phishy · 27/08/2022 09:51

wibblywobblybits · 27/08/2022 07:10

Hahahahahahhahahahahahahahha honestly the people on this site make me howl

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Why are you howling? Are you a dog?

viques · 27/08/2022 09:55

Deliverooaddict · 26/08/2022 17:42

But if we split up he would be driving DD around all the time with drop offs pick ups etc.

Think about how you would feel standing in a coroners court and giving that as an excuse about why you let him drive your child. “ yes I knew he was a speeding drink driver who took risks in an unsafe car but he was my child’s father so I let him. ”

Original poster
Deliverooaddict · 27/08/2022 10:09

He pleaded not guilty, haven’t heard anything about a trial yet. Think it’s a little extreme people suggest I end the relationship because of this. You can’t just dump someone every time they do something you don’t like. As I said before it’s pretty much once a month and I’ve asked if I’d be unreasonable not going in his car again and suggesting I just drive as he would get upset about this. The drink driving was a one off, he rarely drinks he just went to the pub when we argued and didn’t want to pay for a taxi and someone at the the pub reported him when he left. He wasn’t like this when we met, he had a job that involved driving, I think some of this is trauma from his brother dying as it’s a big anniversary this year. His brother was on his way to pick him up and he feels guilty for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deliverooaddict · 27/08/2022 10:11

@viques what are people not getting? It’s his child so he gets 50% of the opinion on who drives DD. Women don’t control everything. Which is why I’ve asked if it’s ok if it’s only me that drives. If we separated then I wouldn’t get any say on it or be able to supervise.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deliverooaddict · 27/08/2022 10:14

2 of the accidents he’s had in the past year he was not at fault in insurance eyes. But he wound the people up by shouting abuse and driving very close to the back of them. So I would say it’s his fault. None of the accidents required medical attention

OP posts:
viques · 27/08/2022 10:15

Deliverooaddict · 27/08/2022 10:09

He pleaded not guilty, haven’t heard anything about a trial yet. Think it’s a little extreme people suggest I end the relationship because of this. You can’t just dump someone every time they do something you don’t like. As I said before it’s pretty much once a month and I’ve asked if I’d be unreasonable not going in his car again and suggesting I just drive as he would get upset about this. The drink driving was a one off, he rarely drinks he just went to the pub when we argued and didn’t want to pay for a taxi and someone at the the pub reported him when he left. He wasn’t like this when we met, he had a job that involved driving, I think some of this is trauma from his brother dying as it’s a big anniversary this year. His brother was on his way to pick him up and he feels guilty for it.

Not quite the same description of his behaviour that you gave in your opening post.

Str8talker · 27/08/2022 10:17

You reap what you sow, OP. Have a nice life...

IncompleteSenten · 27/08/2022 10:17

Yanbu to refuse to be driven by him again.

You aren't asking for or open to opinions beyond that so I won't waste your or my time beyond saying I hope he ultimately faces serious consequences for his behaviours.

PrinceOfPegging · 27/08/2022 10:20

viques · 27/08/2022 10:15

Not quite the same description of his behaviour that you gave in your opening post.

Show quote history

Correct. OP is minimising his behaviour because she wants to bury her head in the sand about the safety concerns raised about her DD.

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 27/08/2022 10:21

YellowTreeHouse · 26/08/2022 17:40

Then you are an irresponsible mother.

You know he doesn’t driver safely and that he is putting your child at risk, yet you allow it anyway.

You are neglecting her basic need: safety.

Show quote history

This, absolutely. Dump the idiot. With a bit of luck if he has an accident, he'll hurt himself, not somebody else. Hell would freeze over before I'd allow my child in the car with him.

balalake · 27/08/2022 10:22

Never go in a car with him driving again, ever. The court case may be a while away, and the law fails massively by allowing him to continue driving or making sure the hearing is in a very short space of time.

I'm sorry your child has a dad who is so uncaring about himself and others.

hewouldwouldnthe · 27/08/2022 10:29

If he's being done for drink driving he will definitely lose his licence with the 6 existing points. Very rarely make exceptions. So it won't be an issue soon. Report him if he offends again when banned.

bloodyunicorns · 27/08/2022 10:39

Deliverooaddict · 26/08/2022 17:36

weve been together for 3 years and have a child together it’s just his driving that’s the issue

But it's not. It's his attitude, his lack of respect for everyone else, not caring if he kills someone's, his own ego and arrogance.

I'd dump him.

He sounds fucking awful.

bloodyunicorns · 27/08/2022 10:40

And I bet the driving isn't the only issue. He sounds so angry. Terrifying. Is he safe to be around you and your dc??

You sound like you're in denial, op.

Whammyyammy · 27/08/2022 11:41

Deliverooaddict · 26/08/2022 17:36

weve been together for 3 years and have a child together it’s just his driving that’s the issue

Not his driving, its his attitude. He's awaiting prosecution for drink driving, what an absolute arsehole. Whilst he was pissed and driving his car he could of killed someone.

Hopefully the ban is long and the fune massive.

Whammyyammy · 27/08/2022 11:45

Deliverooaddict · 26/08/2022 17:49

I am hoping he loses his licence as that’s the best possible outcome but sadly I’m not sure that would even stop him driving. He works an hours drive away. His brother literally died and he doesn’t take this stuff seriously still.

Well WHEN he loses his license, as he will, he'll also lose his job 👌. Hopefully this absolutely loser makes some life changing decisions... but I doubt it. Hope he keeps driving and ends up in prison .

Drink drivers are ticking time bombs

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/08/2022 12:20

Deliverooaddict · 27/08/2022 10:14

2 of the accidents he’s had in the past year he was not at fault in insurance eyes. But he wound the people up by shouting abuse and driving very close to the back of them. So I would say it’s his fault. None of the accidents required medical attention

"not at fault in insurance eyes" - but at fault in reality due to his "shouting abuse and driving very close to the back of them". He caused these accidents through his attitude and anger. Have you ever talked to him about it, asked what was going through his head that led to him behaving in that way?

"He wasn’t like this when we met, he had a job that involved driving, I think some of this is trauma from his brother dying as it’s a big anniversary this year. His brother was on his way to pick him up and he feels guilty for it."

"The worst thing is his brother died from driving dangerously."

I really am wondering what's going on in his head. Does he think he 'owes' his brother to also die from driving dangerously? You said earlier that "it’s just his driving that’s the issue", so you're not seeing this attitude / anger in the rest of your life together? I'm honestly starting to think that he needs some real help, like counselling. But first, I think he has to acknowledge, to HIMSELF, that he has issues with being behind the wheel of a car. And until he deals with HIS issues, I would refuse to be driven by him and yes, no matter how many arguments it causes I would refuse to allow him to drive my daughter at all.

1FootInTheRave · 27/08/2022 12:52

He is hideous.

And you are failing your daughter.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 27/08/2022 13:25

Deliverooaddict · 27/08/2022 10:09

He pleaded not guilty, haven’t heard anything about a trial yet. Think it’s a little extreme people suggest I end the relationship because of this. You can’t just dump someone every time they do something you don’t like. As I said before it’s pretty much once a month and I’ve asked if I’d be unreasonable not going in his car again and suggesting I just drive as he would get upset about this. The drink driving was a one off, he rarely drinks he just went to the pub when we argued and didn’t want to pay for a taxi and someone at the the pub reported him when he left. He wasn’t like this when we met, he had a job that involved driving, I think some of this is trauma from his brother dying as it’s a big anniversary this year. His brother was on his way to pick him up and he feels guilty for it.

Forgetting to replace the cap on the toothpaste or wearing socks two days in a row is "something you don't like".

Dangerous and/or drink driving and the fact he will put your DC in danger whilst ignoring your concerns on this? Bit different IMO.