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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and his car

127 replies

Deliverooaddict · 26/08/2022 17:33

We went out in his car last night and his driving was making me uncomfortable and when I asked him to slow down he wouldn’t because he was doing 70 so not doing anything wrong, then he got pissed off with me all night because I apparently don’t trust him. He’s been driving 10 years, 6 points on his licence, waiting to get done for drink driving and has had 3 accidents in the past year as well as a section 59. I’m not even exaggerating. He’s always getting posted on the local fb group.
It’s not the speed that scares me he’s just so reckless, brakes too late for my liking. He speeds everywhere and goes in between cars. He’s 39 so not a young driver and there’s no excuse for it, and it doesn’t help his car is falling apart from the accidents he’s had. The worst thing is his brother died from driving dangerously. I drive also.

So AIBU for refusing to go in the car with him again? This was the first time in nearly a month and if he won’t even slow down when I ask then I don’t know what to do. Now I’m getting the silent treatment. I am secretly hoping he loses his licence for the drink driving so I don’t have to feel anxious every time he steps foot in his car.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 26/08/2022 18:26

"So AIBU for refusing to go in the car with him again?"
YANBU. It's infrequent enough that I'd insist on doing the driving, and if he didn't like it, tough. It sounds as if he's on track to lose his licence, at which point, problem solved.

How often does he drive your child anywhere?

MintJulia · 26/08/2022 18:35

If he's prosecuted for drunk driving, with a record like that he'll probably get an 18 month ban. So you can refuse to get in a car or let him take your dd in a car for the next 18 months. If he still drives, I'd quietly call the police and tip them off.

Such stupidity, it's only a matter of time before he kills someone so you'd be doing us all (including your child) a favour if he got locked up.

billy1966 · 26/08/2022 18:43

Why are you with such scum?
Report him and keep your daughter out of his car.
Don't hesitate to report him.

girlmom21 · 26/08/2022 18:45

You're not going to refuse to get in the car with him if you let your child out with him. That's outrageous. I hope they don't come to the same end as his brother.

YelloCar · 26/08/2022 18:45

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/08/2022 18:26

"So AIBU for refusing to go in the car with him again?"
YANBU. It's infrequent enough that I'd insist on doing the driving, and if he didn't like it, tough. It sounds as if he's on track to lose his licence, at which point, problem solved.

How often does he drive your child anywhere?

If his license is revoked ‘problem solved’. Except it isn’t is it? Because there’s still this time right now where he’s a danger to everyone.

The OP knows he’s a dangerous driver. She shouldn’t sit back and wait for the issue to be dealt with for her. She should be giving him an ultimatum of “change or it’s over”.

Natty13 · 26/08/2022 18:48

Well done for letting this one spread his seed, real winner 👏

GrazingSheep · 26/08/2022 19:06

The only person I feel sorry for is your child.

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 26/08/2022 19:12

Keep a log of anything you see that isn't right with his driving, attitude etc You'll soon get a picture. He sounds incredibly selfish. Show him the log and it may sink in a little. And be thinking how you can extract yourself and your child from this mess... before he hurts or kills anyone. He sounds like an idiot, surely his brother being killed should be a massive wake up call. Shocking.

felulageller · 26/08/2022 20:18

I really hope he loses his licence.

FourChimneys · 26/08/2022 21:46

You seriously put your child in danger?

Would you let them play on a busy road? Would you let them play with matches? Would you leave them alone at home? No, because it would be dangerous and neglectful.

Can you not see that allowing your child into the car is just as bad?

It's the least of your worries but goodness knows what your neighbours think of you when your DP is known for bad driving.

Please care for your child properly. This may mean stopping being feeble about it.

Wildeheart · 26/08/2022 22:06

If my husband had 6 points in his licence, was waiting to get done for drink driving, had had 3 accidents in the past year, a section 59 warning, always been posted on our local FB group for his driving, was a reckless driver and used his brakes too late, was speeding everywhere and going in between cars - these are all your words - he would not be driving me or my child anywhere. I don’t mean to sound patronising but please, read your owns back and properly digest what you have said. If you have exaggerated and embelished, fair enough, but if all this is true you are as complicit as your partner if he has his 4th accident in the year and hurts your child. He may be giving you the silent treatment but, as harsh as it sounds, I would rather that than a dead child.
With a driving record like that you would have good reason to ask for custody to be limited so he couldn’t driver your child.

pastaandpesto · 26/08/2022 23:30

Jesus, enough of the victim blaming!

For everyone saying that the OP is pretty much as guilty as her shit bag of a husband by allowing this to happen, this man is her child's father and has just as much parental authority as she does. What exactly is she supposed to do? Really? Unless the child literally never leaves her sight, she cannot prevent him from putting her in the car and driving with her?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/08/2022 23:39

I’m sorry I would break up with anyone who ever drove drunk / over the limit. It’s putting people’s lives at risk. And if he would ignore a ban that’s even worse. He’ll end up in prison if he keeps doing it.

I wouldn’t allow my child in the car with him.

PasTropCher · 26/08/2022 23:40

pastaandpesto · 26/08/2022 23:30

Jesus, enough of the victim blaming!

For everyone saying that the OP is pretty much as guilty as her shit bag of a husband by allowing this to happen, this man is her child's father and has just as much parental authority as she does. What exactly is she supposed to do? Really? Unless the child literally never leaves her sight, she cannot prevent him from putting her in the car and driving with her?

If that’s a serious question she’s supposed to leave him, and do her best to protect their child.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/08/2022 23:40

I would also be applying for contact with your child to be limited so he couldn’t drive with her in the car. Supervised if necessary, not overnight at the least, with a specific condition not to drive her - if he gets a ban that will help you to apply for this.

mrsbyers · 26/08/2022 23:42

Is he insured to drive after all those accidents ?

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 26/08/2022 23:54

Something doesn't add up here - if he has been stopped for drink driving he would have been whisked into a Magistrates Court at the earliest opportunity. If he provided a positive sample, be it in breath, blood or urine he would not be permitted to continue driving pending a court case. Are you sure that the case has not already been heard, that he is subject to a ban and is spinning you a yarn.

He also needs to be mindful that driving whilst disqualified carries a custodial penalty. This man, for the sake of EVERYONE, needs to be off the road permanently.

Ihaveanoldiphone · 26/08/2022 23:58

Sparklfairy · 26/08/2022 17:39

Just his driving ... And his arrogance, his lack of respect for your opinion or feelings, his disregard for your and others safety and of course the law... have I missed anything?

Show quote history

Yep this.

girlmom21 · 27/08/2022 04:12

pastaandpesto · 26/08/2022 23:30

Jesus, enough of the victim blaming!

For everyone saying that the OP is pretty much as guilty as her shit bag of a husband by allowing this to happen, this man is her child's father and has just as much parental authority as she does. What exactly is she supposed to do? Really? Unless the child literally never leaves her sight, she cannot prevent him from putting her in the car and driving with her?

She's not a victim. She's not protecting her child. If that was me I'd be phoning the police every time...

ZorbaTheHoarder · 27/08/2022 06:44

I think he is subconsciously trying to go the same way as his brother.

He needs to deal with that and stop endangering other people's lives.

Just tell him you are not prepared to put up with it any more - and mean it!

giveovernate · 27/08/2022 06:50

Deliverooaddict · 26/08/2022 17:42

But if we split up he would be driving DD around all the time with drop offs pick ups etc.

Not when he's banned for DD! How can you even entertain being with someone who is so dangerous to others?

Sally2791 · 27/08/2022 06:58

Please leave this excuse of a man and protect your child

Reluctantadult · 27/08/2022 07:05

I think he needs to go for some counseling or something.

giveovernate · 27/08/2022 07:07

pastaandpesto · 26/08/2022 23:30

Jesus, enough of the victim blaming!

For everyone saying that the OP is pretty much as guilty as her shit bag of a husband by allowing this to happen, this man is her child's father and has just as much parental authority as she does. What exactly is she supposed to do? Really? Unless the child literally never leaves her sight, she cannot prevent him from putting her in the car and driving with her?

OP is not a victim, his victims will be the ones he kills or harms when practising his behaviour.

wibblywobblybits · 27/08/2022 07:10

GrazingSheep · 26/08/2022 17:35

I’d dump him.

Hahahahahahhahahahahahahahha honestly the people on this site make me howl