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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bow out of two abroad weddings!!!

103 replies

Jimjams3021 · 26/08/2022 00:35

As the title suggests.
Two abroad weddings invited to for 2023. Both rearranged from covid lockdowns. Individually these will cost in to the thousands and would be our "family holidays" if we do still go. I am not sure we can afford either let alone both.
The first wedding we originally had a plus one and an invite for our 18 month old, and the second wedding I am meant to be an usher and we have been told is child free.
The first wedding has now changed their minds to no longer have plus ones or children, due to the cost of living (made me laugh considering they are still expecting us to spend thousands to go!). But they are still planning on events in the lead up to the wedding day as well as after... all pretty over the top in my opinion. Meaning we wouldn't even be able to make a holiday out of this due to being tied into all this other stuff to do...
To add to this, we will also have our new, breastfed (probably breastfed as our first was) baby as well as our toddler.
My wife is not keen to go to either, mainly due to the excessive cost and also the stress of going on these "holidays" to destinations that don't seem to be child friendly. They are amazing locations, but both are about 2-3 hours drive from a nearest airport and are very much a couples holiday or family holiday for older children.
We can't even save much money by only going for a few days.... and the stress and amount of things we will need to take would make it almost pointless going for 4 days!
How do we bow out? Or are we being
unreasonable?
Thank you.

OP posts:
MissingGrandstand · 26/08/2022 00:47

I think it's totally reasonable not to go to the first one given they have changed plans - a simple "we are really sorry but the new arrangements simply don't work for us as a family."

For the second, if you're an usher is this someone you are particularly close to? Could you go on a family holiday somewhere closer to the airport and just you travel to the wedding for the day/two days?

Otherwise I think it's totally reasonable to turn down a wedding abroad that is no kids and give the reason that unfortunately it doesn't work for you as a parent - I got married in the U.K. and said no children and wouldn't have been offended in the slightest if people with children declined for that reason!

Marinamountainzoo · 26/08/2022 00:50

Just tell them you can't afford it. It's the truth.

SunshineDad2021 · 26/08/2022 00:55

The guy I am an usher for is an old friend, the issue is I barely see him because he always flakes on plans.
That wedding would be the wessing we go to, as baby would be 9 months and my wife has said she would be happier going then and having the children on her own for the day.
We 100% get no children at weddings, but with abroad weddings it's like asking people to spend all that money and then us not have a family holiday of our choosing, with one person having to miss out and spend the whole day alone at a hotel / air bnb with two young children that need constant supervision - it's not as if she can chill by the pool whilst they entertain themselves.

Original poster
Jimjams3021 · 26/08/2022 00:58

FYI I am SunshineDad I named change but the app obviously didn't get the memo and didn't update... brilliant!

OP posts:
Kitkatcatflap · 26/08/2022 01:01

With children that young, so far from the airport in a 'couples' type hotel, it's just not worth the hassle. For the first one they changed the rules, for the second - if it was someone very close - perhaps you could go alone.

But I agree with Marinamountainzoo above, just tell them you can't afford with it.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 26/08/2022 01:09

Just be honest. They’re having child free weddings abroad when you have very small children. They’d be a bit crazy to expect you to go tbh.

TheTeenageYears · 26/08/2022 01:25

Having got married abroad myself (more than 25 years ago), I don't think anyone who chooses that should have any expectation of anyone, including close family going. It's their choice to get married and generally speaking a cheaper option for them to do so abroad but that can't come at the expense of others. No one, least of all families, need their time or how to spend money dictated to them by others - going out to eat when you aren't really keen or can't really afford it is one thing but to go abroad to someone else's wedding is just a completely unreasonable expectation IMO.

Scottishskifun · 26/08/2022 01:32

So wedding 1: thank you for the invite unfortunately we will be unable to attend have a amazing day.

Wedding 2: thank you for wanting to include me in your special day, unfortunately I cannot leave such small children especially such a young baby and its unfair to leave my wife on her own. Looking forward to catching up when you guys get back.

BritInAus · 26/08/2022 01:40

You don't have to go to either. Be honest - sadly the changes don't work for your family anymore. People having weddings internationally are fine to do so - but they absolutely need to be realistic that this means many of their guests may not be able to (or may choose not to) attend.

Booklover3 · 26/08/2022 03:04

Just say no to both. If you aren’t particularly close to either of them, then what’s the point in spaffing money up the wall you don’t have?

LocalHobo · 26/08/2022 03:15

Can you not just send a 'With Regret' reply? Be very clear it is a no, if you start explaining your reasons the couple may offer ways to travel more cheaply, make the trip shorter etc. and the reality is, you don't want to go!
I hope you can plan a great family holiday in 2023.

Ragwort · 26/08/2022 03:17

Of course you can politely decline the invitation... there's absolutely no need to accept - or to be so worried about saying 'no thank you'.

ClaryFairchild · 26/08/2022 03:32

Why the hell would you go to all that expense and hassle for a friend who always bails on you, to the extent that you have now not seen him for ages?

And abroad weddings are a way of transferring wedding costs from the bride and groom to the guests. As such unless it's at a destination you particularly want to go to as a family and/or you absolutely adore and are very close to the bride and/or groom, not a chance would I pay that much for the "privilege" of attending...

Just say "sorry, the new arrangements mean we cannot make it now".

hmmmmfix · 26/08/2022 03:34

I wouldn't go to any of them in your position and wouldn't feel unreasonable in the slightest.

BluePassportsAreBollocks · 26/08/2022 03:44

What countries are they in if you don’t mind my asking?

I’m going to go slightly against the grain and say that it sounds as though you could afford one or both if you absolutely wanted to, so I’d be cautious about saying you can’t afford it (particularly if you then go and book a big family holiday together).

I think you have to ask yourself about how much the friendships mean to you. You haven’t really addressed that question, only the logistics around children (and flaky friend implies you don’t really care?)

If they’re meaningful then I would say that the solution is to go on your own to at least one… depending on “whose” friend it is. Agree taking wife and two young kids not worth it, but that doesn’t preclude a short trip for you. Honestly with best will in world she’s not the first person to have a bf baby and toddler on her own at same time and it might require a lot of TV or a few visits from friends / family but it’s not the end of the world and shouldn’t stop you going if you want to, and if the friendships are important for the long term.

If you actually don’t want go to then that’s another matter and you need to decide / excuse accordingly. If you do decline and the friendships are important then do so with a firm offer of…. But we’d like to book a date in for dinner that we can celebrate and see all your photos / hear all about it etc. (then book it).

BluePassportsAreBollocks · 26/08/2022 03:46

Sorry … particularly if you DON’T go and book a big family holiday togethe

PimlicoUK · 26/08/2022 06:03

Don't go. They decided to have weddings abroad, so they can deal with the declined invitations. It's such an imposition and I cannot believe brides and grooms still expect this of others.

Hillsidehigh · 26/08/2022 06:08

Say no and go away with your family instead

babyjellyfish · 26/08/2022 06:17

Travel abroad to attend a wedding your partner and child are not invited to?

That'd be a no. No, no, just no.

Also, as someone who got married abroad, I had one friend (whose husband and child were both invited) decline to come for cost reasons. Obviously that was her decision to make and there were no hard feelings, because I'm not an arsehole.

Even just not being able to stretch to it budget wise is a perfectly fine reason to say you can't come. But now your partner and child aren't invited, that's all the more reason not to go. What on earth are they thinking?

justfiveminutes · 26/08/2022 06:25

I would prefer to turn down both than attend one and risk the other being offended.

I'd also rather save the money in the current climate, or at least spend it on a holiday of my choice.

People getting married, especially abroad, aren't usually offended by someone politely declining with enough notice, it is fine.

The one who has changed the plans to child-free is particularly easy to decline.

The fact that you will have such young children is an easy excuse to decline with thanks.

readingismycardio · 26/08/2022 06:26

I'd never sacrifice a holiday with my own family to go to a wedding. Not a big fan of destination weddings myself, but I did like what a close friend of mine did. They got married in Italy with 20 close friends and family and paid for everyone (flights and accomodation), which I think is the only fair way to do it.

WishDragon · 26/08/2022 06:26

YANBU not to go. No-one has to go to any wedding. The circumstances don’t suit you now so just decline. Just do it very simply, not lots of excuses as someone else said as the b&g may start giving you other options. Just decline. It doesn’t work for you.

NoDairyNoProblem · 26/08/2022 06:26

BluePassportsAreBollocks · 26/08/2022 03:44

What countries are they in if you don’t mind my asking?

I’m going to go slightly against the grain and say that it sounds as though you could afford one or both if you absolutely wanted to, so I’d be cautious about saying you can’t afford it (particularly if you then go and book a big family holiday together).

I think you have to ask yourself about how much the friendships mean to you. You haven’t really addressed that question, only the logistics around children (and flaky friend implies you don’t really care?)

If they’re meaningful then I would say that the solution is to go on your own to at least one… depending on “whose” friend it is. Agree taking wife and two young kids not worth it, but that doesn’t preclude a short trip for you. Honestly with best will in world she’s not the first person to have a bf baby and toddler on her own at same time and it might require a lot of TV or a few visits from friends / family but it’s not the end of the world and shouldn’t stop you going if you want to, and if the friendships are important for the long term.

If you actually don’t want go to then that’s another matter and you need to decide / excuse accordingly. If you do decline and the friendships are important then do so with a firm offer of…. But we’d like to book a date in for dinner that we can celebrate and see all your photos / hear all about it etc. (then book it).

I completely disagree. As a family they can’t afford for one to go in a solo trip at the expense of a big family holiday is a perfectly reasonable attitude.

Whataretheodds · 26/08/2022 06:28

I love attending weddings including destination ones but if you need our permission not to go you have it. You are not being unreasonable.

wheresmymojo · 26/08/2022 06:45

I would also be No to both.

If you have a destination wedding then you have to expect that many won't be able to attend due to the cost, their circumstances or both.