Bow out of two abroad weddings!!!

[Jimjams3021]

As the title suggests.
Two abroad weddings invited to for 2023. Both rearranged from covid lockdowns. Individually these will cost in to the thousands and would be our "family holidays" if we do still go. I am not sure we can afford either let alone both.
The first wedding we originally had a plus one and an invite for our 18 month old, and the second wedding I am meant to be an usher and we have been told is child free.
The first wedding has now changed their minds to no longer have plus ones or children, due to the cost of living (made me laugh considering they are still expecting us to spend thousands to go!). But they are still planning on events in the lead up to the wedding day as well as after... all pretty over the top in my opinion. Meaning we wouldn't even be able to make a holiday out of this due to being tied into all this other stuff to do...
To add to this, we will also have our new, breastfed (probably breastfed as our first was) baby as well as our toddler.
My wife is not keen to go to either, mainly due to the excessive cost and also the stress of going on these "holidays" to destinations that don't seem to be child friendly. They are amazing locations, but both are about 2-3 hours drive from a nearest airport and are very much a couples holiday or family holiday for older children.
We can't even save much money by only going for a few days.... and the stress and amount of things we will need to take would make it almost pointless going for 4 days!
How do we bow out? Or are we being
unreasonable?
Thank you.

You are providing loads of notice, so they can invite someone to replace you or adjust plans. I wouldn’t feel even a tiny bit guilty about declining politely, I’d probably send a card saying something along the lines, “we are very disappointed to let you know we are not going to be able to make it over to your wedding next year because we have realised we can’t make plans work with family commitments and budget. We hope you have a wonderful day and would love to catch up and celebrate with you when you’re back in England and live vicariously through all the photos/videos!” Then a few days later follow up with a phone call to check there are no ruffled feathers.

I would never assume anyone can make it to a destination wedding, but other people can be more unreasonable, so it may dent the friendship but in the current circumstances the best thing is to pull out early so the impact is limited.

Under original plans I would have gone to the one where the family were invited, to turn it into our family holiday. However since it's changed, I'd decline the invitations because I couldn't afford to go abroad twice, let alone three times in a year, including taking my family away. It wouldn't be fair on my family, to spend money travelling if it meant no family holiday. I'd message both, " Thank you for the new invitation, unfortunately I cannot attend this time due to the high rise in cost of living. I hope you have wonderful wedding." People who organise weddings abroad, have to remember that not everyone is going to be able to afford it. So they have to expect declinations. I honestly don't think they'll be bothered about you declining. You're more worried than they are. As long as they have their siblings and parents they won't care about friends.

I am not going to a family member's wedding abroad next year and DS is invited. It will be too expensive and I would rather take my holiday with my DH and DS where we want to go.

I’d never waste family holiday time attending other people’s weddings abroad unless it was my own adult DC.

On formal replies there’s no requirement to say why you can’t go.

Jimmy and Henrietta JimJam regret that they are unable to accept
the kind invitation [of Mr and Mrs Russell Hobbs]*
to the wedding of [their son] Malcom and Miss Theresa Green on Saturday, the 27th September.

Yours sincerely,

Jimmy JimJam

*If applicable

Why should you have to spend money on others though?!

Have a destination wedding if you want one but don't be annoyed when people don't want to go

This. Entirely perfect answer. Friendships come and go. It doesn't matter if you have been friends for most of your life, or for a few years, they don't have to last forever. If the couples don't have children yet then their lives are vastly different to your current situation and they can't really have any idea of the logistics and cost involved in schlepping about the world with small people. If the friendship ends you can be reasonably sure that one day , when they are tired and up to their armpits in baby stuff, they will look back and realise how unreasonable they were .

'I'm really sorry but our circumstances mean we are no longer able to come to your wedding. We send you all our love and look forward to celebrating with you at another time.'

@WimpoleHat has the perfect response.

*Scottishskifun
So wedding 1: thank you for the invite unfortunately we will be unable to attend have a amazing day.

Wedding 2: thank you for wanting to include me in your special day, unfortunately I cannot leave such small children especially such a young baby and its unfair to leave my wife on her own. Looking forward to catching up when you guys get back.

Absolutely this response ⬆️ It’s polite, truthful and to the point.*

As someone pointed out it's an invitation not a summons.

Things have changed. You now have two tiny children. That is reason enough. Follow that up with the rising cost of living never mind travelling abroad for a wedding.

You don't want to go to these weddings and that is totally reasonable. Time to be a grown up and politely decline.

In this situation your ultimate responsibility is to your OH and your young family and not to the people getting married. However Bridzilla.

Anyone having their wedding abroad should have zero expectation of compulsory attendance. End of.

I would just reply to both saying 'Unfortunately, we cannot attend, we hope you have a lovely wedding' - don't explain just leave it at that.

If they come back and ask why, just say:

Wedding no. 1 - We cannot afford it and we don't have childcare.

Wedding no. 2 - We cannot afford it.

Do it ASAP - today would be perfect due to energy price cap news.

You will probably not be the only ones saying no - unless you are the only ones in the friendship groups with children - but TBH they need this as a reality check to show family usurps friends

Who TAF is the 1% who said YABU?

FGS, do not tell these people that you can't afford it. Your financial situation is none of their business and they don't really care anyway. Just politely decline. This really isn't complicated.

Just say thanks but we will not be attending. Don’t let them guilt you into going when it doesn’t work for your family

Of course you’re not being unreasonable.
given today’s price cap announcement, you won’t be the only ones.

I love a destination wedding, its s great way to see parts of the world that I might not have seen, but admit its not always easy with a young family

Not sure if this is just very localised to me and my friends, but I’ve never seen in real life people get so worked up about attending a wedding. If you can’t go, don’t! I’ve turned down weddings abroad and in the UK due to having a baby and didn’t feel guilty and wasn’t made to. People are entitled to the wedding they want, it’s their day and they are paying for it. They’re not entitled to expect people to attend. I’m not sure if I just have very understanding family and friends (well they wouldn’t be my friend otherwise), but this really seems to be an ‘only on mumsnet’ issue!

Just politely decline. I love a destination wedding and had one myself (Portugal) but it was 15 years ago and times felt different. We also invited whole families (children) and set up child friendly activities. I would not have been offended if someone said they weren't able to go due to cost or childcare issues.

Decline. Various good replies upthread. I declined a cousin's wedding abroad, where children were seated in a separate room for the meal because the flight would have been horrendous, my DC were toddler age and would have been upset by the separate meal in a strange place without anyone they knew, and with the expense of the whole thing on top, it seemed ridiculous to pay that much to attend something we'd all loathe.

You don't owe anyone an explanation about your personal financial situation. "I can't afford it" doesn't necessarily have to mean "I don't have enough in my bank account to cover this". It could easily mean "I can't afford it without having to sacrifice other things that I'm not prepared to sacrifice"

Or "I don't want to spend loads of money to have a crap time" which is also perfectly valid.

Most definitely not unreasonable to decline both.

When planning a foreign wedding you have to expect that some guests cannot or do not want to pay huge sums to attend, especially in the current economic circumstances.
Other complications such as time off from work, children and child minding throw other spanners into the works.
If getting there and enjoying the event are made difficult by 'no kids' policies etc. then it has to be expected that those 'with kids' might not attend.
Make you apologies and bow out gracefully, it's an invite after all, not a summons!

Perfectly fine to gracefully bow out of both. Invite not summons, as they say.

Just turn down both and say that you can none longer afford it. They must realise that many people are struggling!

"First wedding are friends of both of ours we've known for about 8 years, second wedding is a friend of mine who I do count as a close friend even though we don't see each other much. One wedding is in Croatia and the other is Dominican Republic..."

"The guy I am an usher for is an old friend, the issue is I barely see him because he always flakes on plans."

First wedding is simpler to back out of and several people have already suggested excellent wordings for your 'with regrets' to them. Tough shit if they get pissy about it, that reflects on their sense of entitlement and not on you.

Second wedding - give yourself a shake. You're confusing a friend from your past, with a current good friend. He "always flakes on plans", or to put it another way - he backs out of stuff he's agreed to do. So why are you so reluctant to treat him as he treats you? Have a good ponder about your friendship, because I think you're seeing it with the rosy glow we often have when thinking back to our youth, our heyday, our fond memories. He's not an actual friend, he's someone you were friends with 'back in the day'. So, as with the first wedding - use the suggested messages to back out of usherdom and decline the invite.

All this

Make you own holiday plans with your family. I wouldn't spend my time or family money on people who gave no consideration to anyone but themselves.

I'd just say no. Expensive, child free weddings aren't an option right now. Hope they have a great day and you look forward to seeing the photos.
Unless it's a local wedding and I wouldn't be staying overnight, I declined all child free invitations when DD was small. Their choice, my choice. I haven't lost any friends over it!