Bow out of two abroad weddings!!!

[Jimjams3021]

As the title suggests.
Two abroad weddings invited to for 2023. Both rearranged from covid lockdowns. Individually these will cost in to the thousands and would be our "family holidays" if we do still go. I am not sure we can afford either let alone both.
The first wedding we originally had a plus one and an invite for our 18 month old, and the second wedding I am meant to be an usher and we have been told is child free.
The first wedding has now changed their minds to no longer have plus ones or children, due to the cost of living (made me laugh considering they are still expecting us to spend thousands to go!). But they are still planning on events in the lead up to the wedding day as well as after... all pretty over the top in my opinion. Meaning we wouldn't even be able to make a holiday out of this due to being tied into all this other stuff to do...
To add to this, we will also have our new, breastfed (probably breastfed as our first was) baby as well as our toddler.
My wife is not keen to go to either, mainly due to the excessive cost and also the stress of going on these "holidays" to destinations that don't seem to be child friendly. They are amazing locations, but both are about 2-3 hours drive from a nearest airport and are very much a couples holiday or family holiday for older children.
We can't even save much money by only going for a few days.... and the stress and amount of things we will need to take would make it almost pointless going for 4 days!
How do we bow out? Or are we being
unreasonable?
Thank you.

But long weekend in Dominican Republic doesn't really work? Prague it would.

I've just returned from a close family members destination wedding, trust me I'd give both weddings a miss if I were you and I'd give childcare as the reason.
We spent an absolute fortune, were in the middle of nowhere not near anyone else, spent €200 just to hire a car, couldn't have a few drinks when we met up pre and post wedding due to having to drive back, lots of family drama involved, complete nightmare.
Never going to a destination wedding ever again, people are entitled to have the wedding of their dreams but they need to realise that it doesn't work for all their guests especially if they exclude children.
My advice is to bow out

Bail out of first.

Attend the second one by yourself.

Just politely decline both, no reason necessary.

We pushed the boat out to go to a very close family wedding abroad - had a toddler only, no newborn, staying on site of wedding and the relative paid for our accommodation. It was a beautiful wedding, I am so glad we were there... but it was still one of the most stressful few days. Toddler was terrible twos and a poor sleeper, no barrier to the pool so on constant watch, flights delayed etc. no way would I do this with a newborn as well.

(I also say this as someone who was sacked as a bridesmaid for a different wedding as I couldn't attend an elaborate hen do 8 hours drive away a few weeks post partum with a breastfed newborn)

Politely decline, they will show you what kind of friend they are with their reaction.

Could you attend the second on your own? Would you want to?

@shedwithivy the second one you mention about being sacked as bridesmaid, we think that's the level of reaction the first couple with have. It's been very bridezilla from what we understand from others, and we arent even in the wedding party!

All the more reason to decline frankly. You can’t be bullied into it.

They can have whatever batshit reaction they want, that's a them problem not a you problem. They're the ones who have decided your partner and child are no longer welcome.

I’m going to go slightly against the grain and say that it sounds as though you could afford one or both if you absolutely wanted to, so I’d be cautious about saying you can’t afford it (particularly if you then go and book a big family holiday together).

You don't owe anyone an explanation about your personal financial situation. "I can't afford it" doesn't necessarily have to mean "I don't have enough in my bank account to cover this". It could easily mean "I can't afford it without having to sacrifice other things that I'm not prepared to sacrifice". In this case, to go to a destination wedding alone at the expense of having a family holiday with your own DP and DC. They don't need the details and it's absolutely none of the B&G's business how OP spends his money. There is no way I would go to a wedding abroad alone if it meant not having a family holiday and I would be pissed off if my DP did the same.

The first wedding has now changed their minds to no longer have plus ones or children, due to the cost of living (made me laugh considering they are still expecting us to spend thousands to go!).

That’s your answer to that one: “Please don’t worry about the change of plans; we quite understand how difficult everything is for everyone these days. Unfortunately, though, for similar reasons - and because the arrival of DC2 means we can’t really make this work for us - we are now regretfully going to have to decline. Wishing you the most wonderful day and look forward to hearing all about it!”

You don't owe anyone an explanation about your personal financial situation. "I can't afford it" doesn't necessarily have to mean "I don't have enough in my bank account to cover this". It could easily mean "I can't afford it without having to sacrifice other things that I'm not prepared to sacrifice".

It can - but, equally, it’s often taken to mean “you’re not a priority and I don’t want to spend my money on that/you”. So it can often cause offence/ruffled feathers in a way that “can’t leave the kids” really can’t.

We love travel and holidays but when ours babies and preschoolers we stayed in England. Too hard and no fun! We went alone to friends overseas weddings one weekend Dh in Ireland I was in Italy dd1 with GPS!

Say no to both, do it now.

I someone chooses to get married abroad and then child free on top of mitt hey cannot expect that everyone they want will be there.

any person that must be there you would make sure they could make it either by paying for flights accommodation or both, others if they are not in that list there should be a level of expectance that they may not be able to make it.

Absolutely this response ⬆️ It’s polite, truthful and to the point.

I'd decline both invitations due to changed circumstances

Why are you so nervous about declining? Destination weddings are pure indulgence for the bride and groom ... I've (politely) turned down two overseas weddings (& a few in this country) .... no hard feelings. If the B & G are going to fall out with you because you've declined then they aren't very good friends in the first place.

You don't owe the bride and groom 'an explanation' just politely thank them for the invitation but regret you will be able to attend.

I prefer child-free weddings, but abroad ones are a right pain. When we had 1 child, we managed to go to a Cypriot one, but otherwise (we now have 3), the person who's friend/relative went or we declined.

I don't see any problem with declining now - wedding one is child-free and therefore doesn't work and you accepted wedding 2 and now have 2 children. Things change. But, I'dd call your friends, rather than texting to explain.

Unless these were my siblings (who wouldn't behave like this) I would consider going to either of these ridiculous weddings

Sack them both off. Not worth the hassle!

I wouldn't go to either of them. Croatia is quite cheap however they changed the game plan so to speak and you are no longer child free.

YANBU. Circumstances have changed for you and I think that if you tell them now, that's plenty of notice.

Tis an invitation not a three line whip. "Thank you for the invitation to your wedding. We hope you have a glorious time. We are unable to come but look forward to catching up/seeing the photos etc"

With weddings abroad the b&g take pot luck on who can afford/be arsed to go.