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Original poster

Bow out of two abroad weddings!!!

103 replies

Jimjams3021 · 26/08/2022 00:35

As the title suggests.
Two abroad weddings invited to for 2023. Both rearranged from covid lockdowns. Individually these will cost in to the thousands and would be our "family holidays" if we do still go. I am not sure we can afford either let alone both.
The first wedding we originally had a plus one and an invite for our 18 month old, and the second wedding I am meant to be an usher and we have been told is child free.
The first wedding has now changed their minds to no longer have plus ones or children, due to the cost of living (made me laugh considering they are still expecting us to spend thousands to go!). But they are still planning on events in the lead up to the wedding day as well as after... all pretty over the top in my opinion. Meaning we wouldn't even be able to make a holiday out of this due to being tied into all this other stuff to do...
To add to this, we will also have our new, breastfed (probably breastfed as our first was) baby as well as our toddler.
My wife is not keen to go to either, mainly due to the excessive cost and also the stress of going on these "holidays" to destinations that don't seem to be child friendly. They are amazing locations, but both are about 2-3 hours drive from a nearest airport and are very much a couples holiday or family holiday for older children.
We can't even save much money by only going for a few days.... and the stress and amount of things we will need to take would make it almost pointless going for 4 days!
How do we bow out? Or are we being
unreasonable?
Thank you.

OP posts:
HelebethH · 26/08/2022 06:58

It's a wedding invite not an order! Of course you can decline to go.

Itwasntright · 26/08/2022 07:02

I wouldn't attend either wedding and i wouldn't feel the slightest bit bad about turning down the invites.

chillipenguin · 26/08/2022 07:08

I would pull out now.

neverbeenskiing · 26/08/2022 07:08

I wouldn't attend either and I love a wedding! I would give the same response for both "I'm sorry it's just not feasible for us at the moment for financial and childcare reasons." I am very sure you won't be the only one, if you insist on getting married abroad and not including DC a lot of people simply won't be able to make that work.

pilates · 26/08/2022 07:16

I would decline both.

Cocopogo · 26/08/2022 07:25

They are not that bothered about people being there otherwise they wouldn’t be doing it abroad.

Original poster
Jimjams3021 · 26/08/2022 07:26

Thanks all.

First wedding are friends of both of ours we've known for about 8 years, second wedding is a friend of mine who I do count as a close friend even though we don't see each other much. One wedding is in Croatia and the other is Dominican Republic...

Re my wife coping - that isn't the question she is more than capable of coping it's the principle of spending all that money for the hassle, stress and then her sitting in a hotel on her own with two infants. She has already suggested staying home but how is that fair.

OP posts:
Beelezebub · 26/08/2022 07:27

Bloody hell, don’t go to either of them! If they can cite the cost of living crisis so can you!

Snowiscold · 26/08/2022 07:28

don’t go to either

Flubadubba · 26/08/2022 07:30

I had a destination wedding, and it's part and par el if having it that you understand that some people just won't be able to make it (distance,cost etc). If they are even half way reasonable, they will understand.

RaininSummer · 26/08/2022 07:31

I would think it was very easy to send a nice message or call them to say that these expensive and impractical plans won't work for you but please have a lovely day and show us some pictures later.

Flubadubba · 26/08/2022 07:31

Flubadubba · 26/08/2022 07:30

I had a destination wedding, and it's part and par el if having it that you understand that some people just won't be able to make it (distance,cost etc). If they are even half way reasonable, they will understand.

My best friend didn't come to ours as he couldn't get time off. Another friend was heavily pregnant. We are still friends :)

picklemewalnuts · 26/08/2022 07:34

Dear Bill and Nora,

Sarah and I wish you all the best for a long and happy marriage. The turmoil of the last few years and changes in our circumstances mean that we won't, unfortunately, be able to come. I'm sure it will be a wonderful occasion and we would have loved to be there. Very young children and the current financial climate make it impossible.

We look forward to catching up with you after the wedding. Much love, Sarah and Jim.

Donotgogentle · 26/08/2022 07:37

Blame the baby! When these weddings were originally scheduled you didn’t have DC2. It’s too much everything - annual leave, money, hassle, burden on your DW.

FlorianImogen · 26/08/2022 07:38

Personally I would bow out, and to add, I think people who choose to have weddings overseas and expect people to attend, are living in fantasy land. Nothing is cheap any longer and it's a struggle for most people to get by day to day let alone spend money on a destination wedding.

Abraxan · 26/08/2022 07:39

Destination weddings are lovely for the couple.

However, when choosing a destination wedding you have to accept that many people, including close family and friends, may not come. And it's very very important that the couples accept that and don't feel aggrieved or upset with anyone who chooses not to come, regardless of their reasons. This is even note so if there are restrictions on the event such as no children.

No wedding, except your own perhaps, should come before a family holiday where all are included. As you say, spending all that money for one of you to attend just isn't fair, especially if it's at the expense of you all being able to go away together.

Just decline and don't go to either.

BronzeSage · 26/08/2022 07:39

Don't go if you'd rather not. Weddings abroad are ridiculously indulgent in these straitened times and don't work for many invitees.

goldfinchonthelawn · 26/08/2022 07:39

I definitely would bw out. And I'd be honest, and say that it's no longer possible for you to come as the sky rocketing cost of living means you don't have that disposable income available any more.

I don't understand weddings abroad unless one of the betrothed is from that country and has most of their family and friends there, or the couple work in that country. They seem the height of self-importance, to assume that everyone you know wants to give up their holiday time and money to attend a wedding instead of having a proper break of their choice at a convenient time.

Tollystar · 26/08/2022 07:40

It's not clear from your post - have you already formally accepted the invitations and now want to bail out? Or are you still at the responding to invites stage?

PurpleDaisies · 26/08/2022 07:41

She has already suggested staying home but how is that fair.

If you wanted to go alone and she’s telling you to go, that could be an option. I went alone to an abroad wedding a few years ago.

It’s fine to decline for any reason though. I’d be wary of saying the children in case they change their mind and say it’s fine to bring them.

Wearefoooked22 · 26/08/2022 07:43

we are in a similar predicament,sil is getting married abroad next year,due to the cost of living and the new gas/electric rises we can’t afford it but she expect’s everyone to prioritise going to her wedding!

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 26/08/2022 07:45

Just don't go. Life is VERY different now from pre covid days and I'd be surprised if you were the only ones dropping out. Dropping out of the child free one is a no brainer anyway and the cost of living makes the other impossible.

Original poster
Jimjams3021 · 26/08/2022 07:45

@Tollystar the first wedding invite was accepted before the birth of our first. They changed the plus one and invite for infants / children about 2 months ago and we haven't confirmed back yet about stoll attending. Fortunately we already had a refund from when this was rearranged due to covid so we arent still tied in to the flights and accommodation, which would need to change now anyway.

The second is more tricky as I did accept without even thinking anything through. The stag do for that is also abroad and coating a fortune, which I have declined.

OP posts:
Russell19 · 26/08/2022 07:45

I was also wondering if you have already accepted the invites?

Decline first, go on your own to second. Id be telling my husband to go for long weekend etc if he was in this situation. Im sure your wife will be fine at home.

Stravaig · 26/08/2022 07:48

They're invitations, not summons. Just decline, with regret if you wish. No explanations needed. I wouldn't offer any.

The only acceptable destination wedding is one where the bride and groom are genuinely wealthy enough to bear the entire costs for everyone throughout. And even then, it's still an invitation, because they're requesting your time away from work and life commitments, and the inconvenience of travel away from home.

People who genuinely want their family and friends present at a special celebration go out of their way to make it easily accessible to most guests, offer help to those travelling a long way, and understand if they can't.

All of the above held true before the cost of living crisis. Wtf are they thinking now?

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