AIBU to expect my daughter to finish eating her meal on time.

[A12326]

AIBU?

My daughter is 5 years old. And lately my patience with her is running low since I am pregnant and she just started school.

Today, she just got back from school and I served her meal, chicken and pasta and sat her on her little table to eat food. The food has been cut for her to eat it easily so it is not on big chunks and pieces. She sits down. But proceeds to do ANYTHING but eat. She's watching cartoons (fine with me as long as she eats) playing with her toys and standing up to talk to us instead of eating. The thing is she ASKED for her food. She came and asked me for cookies but I told her not until after dinner so I know she was hungry. I served her at 4:30 it is now 5:55 and she still is eating.

Her dad is now mad at me because I told her finish eating in an angry tone, and pulled her table in front of me to make sure she is eating. In the process her food slipped and fell all over the floor which I cleaned. My husband is now acting as if I'm the AH for doing that. When he was the one in charge of watching her eat her meal while I took a nap. Now, I did ask after waking up if she had finished her meal. He said she was eating, turns out she was not but as usual he was not paying attention.

So. Am I being unreasonable?

It’s rare I say this but you aren’t doing a good job here.

Actually OP is doing a great job. She took on board advice and is making good changes. Worth reading her update.

DH doesn't eat with us during the week because he's not physically present and we don't have a teleport.

I sometimes don't eat with DC (but I still sit with them) because it's nice to eat with DH instead sometimes, but that means waiting until 9-10pm.

4.30 sounds quite early to eat her dinner? Was she just not hungry yet? Was she over tired having recently gone back to school? My little girl struggles to eat when she's tired even if she's hungry, I just make allowances and help her so she eats and I don't start getting wound up.

If it's any consolation by the time she is 37 the singing will have stopped.

(My DD was the same as yours is now)

What struck me is you expect her to eat in a way that you don't

Your main meal is lunch, with a snack later at night

Why can't she do the same?

It sounds like you're setting her up to fail but having the TV around while she is eating

How late is your evening sandwich that she can't have a sandwich then too?

surely it’s better if she sits at the normal table and you sit with her, and have a chat about her day whilst she eats? Of course she’s distracted by TV and toys.

The whole eating thing with a first child can be very stressful.

Mine was.

After much upset and worry about how much was being eaten, professional advice told me to not put too much on the plate as they could always have more, and that children in homes will not go hungry when food is being regularly provided, so stop stressing about amounts.

A childs stomach is about the size of their fist, so actually very small, and quick to fill.

Best of luck.

We eat dinner together as a family 3/4 times a week, breakfast daily, but honestly when I've just walked through the door from my work at 5:30 I don't want my dinner immediately and ds is hungry at 5/5:30. On those days I still sit at the table with DS with a drink or something and have a chat about his day. He's actually a really good eater, but we never have TV on and always eat at the table in the dining room or he gets distracted. I hope the change of plan goes well for you

Don't have the tv on for a start! Even adults shouldn’t really eat dinner in front of the tv. It doesn’t encourage mindful eating (enjoying food / eating until full rather than over eating / etc)

Five year olds have little tummies. When mine were that age, they often couldn’t finish their dinner in one sitting and would have the rest as a sort of “supper” after bath. Some might not tolerate that, but it meant all their dinner got eaten and they weren’t asking for toast etc.

Also - it’s so much better (as lots of other posters have said) to eat together as a family. DH and I shifted our eating to earlier (which we could do as DH starts work early and is home by 5/6), which I infinitely preferred and I still eat dinner pretty early.

(And I agree with another PP - mine were / still are massive breakfast eaters and got most of their calories then as less as the day went on.)

Why is she still sitting at a little table to eat at 5? Don't you sit down together to eat away from toys and tv? Children learn by example. At 5 she should be cutting up her own food. How does she manage at school? Sometimes children think they're hungry but actually need a drink. Plus if she's had a cooked meal at school she might not want to eat another cooked meal at home. Something like scrambled eggs or a sandwich is fine.

One of those TV “experts”, I think it might have been super nanny, did an experiment with one family who were struggling with food.. She put a meal in front of the mum and then started badgering her with the same comments she had observed mum using towards the daughter, when she was trying to eat. That was the moment it clicked for mum! She couldn’t eat under stress either (our bodies kick into fight or flight response, and appetite flees, some of us are more sensitive to this than others). I’m not saying it to judge.. I struggled massively with food with my first.. but it was really a light bulb moment about creating pleasant family mealtime atmospheres.
I definitely agree with trying a snack after school and dinner later. Also serving family style, and allowing her to serve herself. And the division of responsibility as per PP. Good luck!

Can I add that I was always made to eat everything on my plate and was applauded for being able to put away big portions etc. As an adult I have real trouble stopping eating when I am full so have a tenancy to over eat and struggle to keep my weight in check. Give her a set time to eat but don't force her to eat all of it.

@A12326 We eat at seperate dinner times because I eat much earlier with my husband while she is at school.

It’s time to change your routine. Have your lunch at 12/1pm and then your dinner later. Also, 4:30pm is way too early for dinner. She’s probably not hungry.

It’s normal to have your evening meal between 5:30-8pm. Sit down and eat together, preferably a similar meal. Your dd's current dinner time sounds like it’s an awful atmosphere. I’m not surprised she doesn’t feel comfortable to eat.

Also serving family style, and allowing her to serve herself

Great point! We did this too. As soon as they were hold enough to use a serving spoon, they served themselves how ever much of whatever was on offer. No pressure to eat a bit of everything or clear their plate as we figured they know how hungry they are and it’s time for them to learn to match up levels of hunger with amount of food they take. The only rule we had is you must take and eat 1 spoon of something that grows (pulse/vegetable) at every meal. Because a couple of our DC were tending towards being cheese and carb junkies.

I wouldn’t enjoy eating alone. Can’t you eat with her?

To be fair, I'm in my 40s and if I'm sat in front of a telly I will take over an hour to finish a meal.

Make sure the tv is off when she's eating. That's half your problem.

We have the TV on but all eat together about 6:30
DS 5 has a lunch box when he comes home from school to put him on

You should really be eating with her, with no distractions. Standing up to play with toys is leaving the family table so she's not going to get away with that if you're eating together. You're not modeling what you want to see. It's also an odd time for a meal, not a problem as long as it's part of a regular routine.

This isn't unusual, my oldest is 4 and she's been like this most evenings for the past 2 years. We all eat at the same table and turn the TV off, which helps. And lately, we've turned it into a game. We basically pretend her food is really gross things, like spaghetti is worms and bolognese is soil, and we tell her not to eat it! She thinks it's hilarious and eats it all up. Get's a bit tedious, but whatever works.

My DD once took 3 and half hours to eat a bowl of cereal!

bring able to self-entertain for that length of time is a huge upside!!!

My children love having a snack straight after school. I remember the excitement of getting home after school and having a snack years ago. I personally would have let her have a cookie and then served dinner a bit later, all sitting around the table. This is what we do. Maybe others are different.

YABVU. By letting her watch tv you’re making it clear that the meal isn’t the priority, just something to pick at while otherwise distracted. You’re sending her that message and then being confused when she doesn’t sit and focus on eating.

meals at the table, together, no technology!

I’m glad you’re looking at other ways of doing this.

Have to say, I feel a bit sad for your daughter. When do you spend time with her? She comes home and you’re working (can’t be helped, I know), but then she eats dinner alone and you go for a nap.

It definitely sounds like she needs more interaction.

OP this worked brilliantly for my kids. & for us as a family- you might find it useful

www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/how-to-feed/the-division-of-responsibility-in-feeding/