Huge row with partner, want to leave

[sameshitdifferentdayffs]

Firstly, sorry this is long.

Hoping I don’t regret posting this as my mental health is really poor at the moment and I’m not sure I’m robust enough for it, but I’m really struggling to see whether/ if I am in the wrong here, so wanted to post.

The background context is I’ve had a really long, slow recovery from severe PND over the past 16 months and still not 100% at times (PTSD, flashbacks to the birth, thoughts of being a terrible mother and better off dead, etc), and also recent family bereavement which I have not yet processed or come to terms with.

A recent argument with DP was as follows, I'm just looking for outside opinions :

I get up at 6am every morning to shower, sort my lunch, and sort my breakfast. DP needs less time than I do to get ready, his commute is significantly shorter, and he doesn’t do the nursery drop offs, so our agreement is that DP will make sure DD (16 months) is up and dressed by 6.30am_ latest as then, when I am ready, I can take over and sort her breakfast out before taking her to nursery (I do all drop offs and pick ups on way to work). I need DD to be ready to leave the house by 7.10am_ otherwise it impacts my morning and I’m late for work. DP knows this, we’ve had so many conversations about the same thing. He knows that I need her up and ready by 6.30am otherwise it makes me late.

On this particular morning I showered, dressed, had my breakfast, made my lunch etc between 6-6.30_ (as I usually do), on the understanding that DP would get DD up and dressed in time for me to take over at 6.30am_. At 6.35am_ he was still lying in bed and DD still in her cot. I went in and said “please can you get her up now, otherwise I’m going to be late”. He said yes, so I went back downstairs to finish off what I was doing. He then proceeded to go into the bathroom. I had no idea how long he was going to be and it was now approaching 6.40am_, so I went upstairs to wake DD and started to get her ready myself. He then emerges from the bathroom as I’m dressing her, saying grumpily “ I was just about to do that”. I replied “It’s fine I had to do it otherwise I’m going to be late”. He went downstairs. I followed – hurriedly as I’m now behind – and put DD in her highchair for breakfast. DP was in the kitchen. I said nothing to him, I was just focussed on getting DD sorted so I could get to work on time. I deliberately said nothing because I didn’t have the head space or emotional energy for an argument. He looked at me and said snarkily, “will you just calm down”.

Trying to remain as calm as possible, I said “Please don’t tell me to calm down. I am rushing because I am going to be late. If you helped me, I wouldn’t be stressed and rushing”. He still offered no help, and just snapped back “well I was going to get her dressed but you took over”. I replied “I don’t want to argue, I just want to get her ready as quickly as possible so I’m not late. I’ve said before that she needs to be up by 6.30 so I can get out of the house on time. She wasn’t up and it was 6.40 – so I needed to get her up myself.”

Anyway he went into a huge strop and starting muttering under his breath about how I’m “the reason this relationship is failing” and I need to “take a look at myself”. He then starts doing dramatic cuddles and goodbye kisses with DD in her highchair while I stand sobbing in the kitchen saying “I really didn’t need this argument this morning, I just wanted to get her ready. Why have you caused this argument?” He then started saying she didn’t need to be up at 6.30m and he was letting her “have a lie in”. I’ve told him time and time again that this doesn’t work because I need to be out of the house on time with her! He has the luxury of leaving the house without having to think of dropping a child off – this doesn’t impact his working day or commute in any way at all. It impacts mine. I’ve told him this so many times and he’s previously agreed to make sure she’s up on time to make my morning run more smoothly considering I have an hour commute plus the drop off, whereas he does not. If DD isn’t ready at 7.10am, he will just leave the house regardless – he won’t hang around to help me. So it doesn’t affect his morning at all. I’ll be the one stuck at home late for work, sorting her out. Yet it’s like those many conversations just never happened because he’s decided to “let her lie in”. At that point he just left for work and refused to apologise for his snarky "calm down" comment which only inflamed everything instead of helping.

I am seriously re-evaluating the relationship and I genuinely want to leave him. I have cried so much over the whole thing. I’m in a bad place mentally. All I wanted to do was get my daughter ready on time because as the person who does the drop offs before work and with an hour’s commute each way, it really impacts my day if she is not up and ready on time. He knows this. Then he tells me to “calm down” when I’m rushing because he hasn’t got her up on time. Instead of asking what he can do to help, for example.

I need some perspective here. I’m ready to walk because I’m so done.

It’s 40 mins in total, not that long for a baby to eat, dress, change and put in the seat. But it is hard working and looking after a baby, but it’s even harder when there is another adult who can help but chooses to watch you struggle and then make it your fault.

if anyone need a lie in, I bet it’s the op.

Firstly, sorry for your stress levels and PND. That must have been really hard and is no doubt still affecting you.
But my stress levels rose on behalf of your husband reading this. Am I right in thinking you have different attitudes to time management generally? I'm the kind of person who finds it really stressful when other people insist on over preparation and needing tons of time to do everything.
To me, the issue is: Would your child have been ready on time or not if you'd left him to it, regardless of how worried you were?
If yes, then you were unreasonable to take over and 'be aggy'.
If not then you have two issues, an unreliable partner and poor communication between you that is heading for a relationship breakdown.
You need to have a calm talk together about the way forward with no blame if that's at all possible.

OP,

Are you happy?
Do you feel loved and valued?

Separate to your daughter, completely, would you choose him to be the father of your child?

If your answer is No, then use that information to start planning your exit.

He reads as a selfish, snide, unhelpful man who instead of supporting you, is highly likely to be a part of your MH difficulties.

He sounds like a dismissive bully who is deeply unkind to you.

I think this morning is just another example of that.

Have you family and friends?
Can you reach out for support?

The routine seems very rigid and such an early start. Is there any way either of you can start later, reduce hours or work from home sometimes?

You could leave the baby to sleep while you have a cup of tea in bed and the day would have a more relaxing start.

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen I didn't mean PND when i was talking about him i just meant mental health struggles. It's unfair to assume men just deal with potentially nearly seeing their partners die giving birth to their children. And i also raised concern about the OPs support

Why doesn’t the male partner wake up the baby, change her, feed her breakfast and drop her at the nursery? This kid belongs to both partners why can’t he do that and then have the OP pick her up from nursery and feed her when she gets home? That would be a balanced situation (specially if she’s suffering from PND). Why is all the brunt of baby responsibilities falling all on her?

?

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen also postnatal just means after birth. So i don't see why it can't refer to male conditions

OP, if you are really dreading what would happen if you left him to get baby to nursery, there is something really wrong here. He needs a firm talking to - mine knows that he cannot pull any crap about how his job is more important than mine, although he does earn more. Does he pull his weight domestically? If not, start cutting back on things that impact him. Are you expected to sort out his family’s gifts? Stop that. Do his laundry? Leave it. I appreciate that you’re struggling and upset but he needs to be made to accept that he has to work with you in the morning because your job counts.

I couldn't cope with this kind situation, I m sensitive to stuff like this though. Maybe why Ive spent most of my life single!

I always think when you are in a relationship you should be team and lifting each other up and supporting each other. Obviously you will still argue sometimes and annoy each other, but overall your life should be better. It sounds like he is immature and a little selfish.

But only you know what your relationship is like and if your life would be better off without him.

Oh, and OP, whatever you do DO NOT have another baby with him. One is tough but doable. Chasing two in opposite directions to get them out of the door at 7am will be a killer and it will still all be on you.

Lots of issues...not least that he's laying the blame all on you for the relationship issues.

Sorry OP. But it's time for a sit down, and a clear discussion of why this isn't working for you. No tears, not upset - just this changes now and lay it out.

Hope you’re okay OP💐

Are you able to speak to your GP and get a sick note for a couple of weeks. You need some support and a break.

Obviously it’s not a long term solution but right now, you seem totally at breaking point.

My view is that a short spell of him having pressure to get to work on time having responsibility of childcare drop off and pick up is needed.

Tell him that You could also loose your job if you are constantly late and that you lack the resilience right now to deal with that stress given your mental health.

you will be taking child in for 3 days a week. You will do this by yourself with no help form him. It means 3 days a week you will need to get up even earlier and then get yourself ready, then wake child. He can deal with just himself. The other 2 days he is equally responsible entirely complete with allowing enough time for detour. Say it is not negotiable but it can be reviewed in 4 weeks time to see if that improves your situation with stress and risk to work.

do not give him an option. In the first week leave the house before him on his days so he can’t dump on you. He will get angry but that’s becuase you are forcing a change on him and he is reacting to not being in control. Stick to your guns. The more you step in to bail him out the more he will abdicate more and more regarding parenting and domestic work

right now you are enabling him with saying you do the childcare. Unfortunately becuase maternity leave is long in uk, many mums get into routine with their child doing all the work. And picking up a lot of domestics chores that used to be shared pre baby. A lot of new mums feel guilty that “dad” goes out to work and they’re at home so pick up a load to feel they’re contributing. You need to break this mould now. You need to stop being 90 or 100% repsonsisiblty for sorting your child out. It has to be 50;50 .

if he has simply never had to get himself and child ready in morning and get himself to work, he has no appreciation of what it involves and potential stress. He HAS to experience that . Once you dump more on him for him to be solely responsible for without your help at all, he will realise he’s cut his nose off to spite himself and been a dick . He’ll probably be more conducive then to working as a proper parenting partnership

If he fumes he walks out and refuses to speak to me for his knows how long. Ignores calls and texts and gives no indication of when he might be back. It sends my anxiety sky high. I want to avoid him doing this to me.

The important question here is who brings home more money?

1. Just give her a banana or something for first breakfast. Think how else you can make your life easier - make your lunch and breakfast the night before, for example.

1. Split the drop offs. The parent dropping off is responsible for getting DD ready that morning on time. Suggest he does 2 you do 3.

1. If he continues to be an arse, leave him.

I really am 😞

’calm down’ ha! I’d like to know one situation in which saying this has actually helped 😆

YANBU of course. I would be hopping mad too. Unfortunately while you take full responsibility for drop off and pick up there are no consequences for your DP. So the tight time window is not meaningful to him. What’s ten minutes difference? It’s not good for you to do all the leg work with nursery - it takes extra time for handovers plus I would not have liked to let my partner do them all as then you don’t get an insight in to your child’s day, where they have etc etc. I think you need to get him to start doing at least some even though it might seem counterintuitive based on location.

Sorry there are so many replies and I'm a bit overwhelmed by how many there are. I haven't been able to read them all fully. I'm just trying to catch up.

This is good.

Or could you trial him dropping her off and you picking up? That feels much fairer to you, regardless of the detour he needs. He just needs to get up earlier.

But if logistics are the red herring and he's actually being a totally unsupportive shit then option 3, above.

So the tight time window is not meaningful to him. What’s ten minutes difference?

That's exactly how he thinks. It means nothing to him because it doesn't impact his day.

Sorry OP but your more recent posts about him storming off and refusing to be in contact don't sound good. It doesn't sound like this is working.

What would splitting up look like? What is your financial/housing situation?

Elmore · Today 12:26
The important question here is who brings home more money?

why?

You're suffering from PND, you have a job, a baby to take care, no support network and you're in an abusive relationship. I'm impressed you're able to get out of bed at all. I would go mental.

Those saying split the drop offs, he will refuse to do this because he has set shift start times. Most days it's 7.30/7.45.
Earliest drop off at nursery is 7.30 when it opens. The nursery is 30-40 mins from his work. He would be at least 20-30 mins late for his shift and get in trouble at work, and this would be all my fault.

He'd tell me I should be doing them all because l have flexible start times. Which i do. But as I said already, I have to make up the time if I start later, and I have no leeway for this as I need to get to nursery on time for pick up.