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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ditch staying at ILs and book a hotel

337 replies

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 24/08/2022 21:39

At the ILs at the moment, arrived today, staying in their spare rooms at their insistence- we wanted to get a hotel for these 2 nights like we usually do. But ILs were quite offended at the thought of us doing that yet again and made a bit of a deal about us staying at theirs this time. So we agreed.

We have 2 DC, 5 & 9, and this house is so not a child-friendly environment. MIL is always freaking out about the kids touching the walls, fretting about them knocking over the 5,271 trinkets she has on each of the million sideboards they own, not letting us play UNO at any of the tables in case we scratch the varnished surfaces etc.

i can cope with all of that just about. But what’s really pissed me off is the fact that Ive just spent over an hour trying to get a terrified 5yo to sleep because of a stupid ‘rule’, and have just raised the white flag.

So ILs went to bed at 8pm. They don’t usually sleep so early but I suspect it’s a PA way of telling us we’ve knackered them out.

Anyway this was the same time as DS’s bedtime. Being a 5yo boy he’s terrified of the dark and at home we leave the landing light on when he’s in bed and the door ajar. Did this tonight and (Step)FIL came out and knocked the landing light off then stomped back into the bedroom. DS screamed for me, so I raced back in and comforted him. Thought SFIL probably didn’t realise that DS would be scared, so I turned it back on then realised that Thier bedroom door was open a good 2 feet. SFIL came out and said “actually the landing light has to stay off. We leave our bedroom door open in case the cat wants to come in, and the light being on is disturbing us trying to sleep.” I said oh right it’s just DS is really frightened of total dark and he said “Oh well never mind. good night” and went back to bed.

Cue an hour of me going between trying to get DS to put up with it being dark, to putting on the bedroom lamp (that has no shade, because why would it, they have 3 fucking candle extinguishers in the room but no lampshade) and that was too bright, to trying to bring in other (shaded) lamps from other rooms, which just distracted him.

After an hour of trying to calm DS down/find the right lamp that’s not too bright and not too dim, like some sort of middle aged Goldilocks, I gave up and tag teamed with DH to take over.

He’s still up there now. Can hear ILs snoring like a pair of water buffalos (so pleased they have their door open). Can’t hear DS and DH so hoping they’ve fallen asleep too.

Why the fuck did the ILs ask us so desperately to come and stay at their home if they don’t want to make any adjustments for us being here? I know it’s their house but does that mean they should make a unnecessarily unpleasant environment for your 5yo grandson, because it might otherwise upset the bloody cat?

WIBU to book a hotel room for tomorrow? Even if I just take DS - it’s been years since I’ve had a struggle to get a child to sleep like that and I really CBA to do it all over again tomorrow.

To be clear: The ILs will be extremely offended if I do this and will likely moan about the time I left them to stay in a hotel, from now until the end of time.

OP posts:
StressfulBedtimes · 25/08/2022 10:41

😮she said what?! I’m surprised you could hold your tongue at that, what a vile bitch!
I’d never go back

StillGoingStrongToday · 25/08/2022 10:42

I’d have responded to the comment about hurting children by saying that no, I didn’t understand it, but do understand why people will ship their mothers off to the sort of care home you see on Panorama the second they get the chance.

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 25/08/2022 10:44

Why are you enabling them? Book the hotel and go. Text them with a meeting place for tomorrow

NotSorry · 25/08/2022 10:48

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 25/08/2022 10:44

Why are you enabling them? Book the hotel and go. Text them with a meeting place for tomorrow

She’s not enabling them, if you read all her posts she’s already done that and told them she’s going

lisavanderpumpscloset · 25/08/2022 10:52

"MIL piped up and said “You can understand why people want to hurt children can’t you”

I know this is by the bay and from your posts, probably doesn't need saying because you sound like a fantastic mum.

But please don't ever leave your kids with this woman.

She's batshit.

Pemba · 25/08/2022 10:53

The comment about hurting children was not funny, it was pretty vile. I wouldn't return.

Your poor DH, what sort of childhood did he have? This must be so upsetting for him.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 25/08/2022 11:06

Good God, as a GP of young children myself, I’d say go to a hotel and tell them very plainly - but as calmly as possible - why.
Utterly mean and unreasonable behaviour, IMO.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/08/2022 11:14

You totally did the right thing and after the way they have behaved, the name calling and the last comment - don't have a seconds guilt for escaping.

As for all that telling you not to go out but keep two active children indoors in the Bargain Hunt house all day... words fail me.

missingeu · 25/08/2022 11:15

Well done on booking hotel room.

We had similar with my parents when our kids were young, they had lots of rules, comments about our parenting, rude to DH. It was the worst week. They had a house in aboard.

I remember the joy DH and I had when we left. I felt very disappointed in my parents and still do.

We never went back, never did holiday again with my parents again. They would moan about it and I would shrug my shoulders and walk away.

hoorayandupsherises · 25/08/2022 11:18

Ah, the people who don't want you to stay, but want you to be the unreasonable ones for "refusing to stay" and not them for "not having you".

I know these people. Well done on masterminding an escape, OP. Send DH for the suitcases ...

REP22 · 25/08/2022 11:24

Good for you @LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet (I do LOVE your username), I'm glad you are getting yourselves out of there. I really sympathise with you, especially having gone into the situation knowing what was likely but trying to do it their way to be nice.

The comments made are particularly grim. I can't understand people who think such things are acceptable, particularly directed towards children (whether related or not). I once had to ask my DPs not to threaten their 3yo grandson with a beating from a kitchen implement for not wanting to leave his colouring book to come to the dinner-table (one incident among many). That might have been the way they raised me, but I'm afraid that I couldn't agree that it was either funny or appropriate for the GCs.

I bet even the poor cat feels put-upon.

I hope you have a fantastic time at the Premier Inn, with as much noisy Uno with all the lights on as you can manage! (Have you discovered Skip-Bo? It's a similar card game from the Uno people and equally essential in our house).

Very best wishes to you. x

MeridianB · 25/08/2022 11:37

So you weren't allowed to go out, but not allowed to play a card game. Monitored for moving around a house stuffed with tat and then given zero support for a scared 5yo child that night.

This would be enough to leave for the hotel.

But the revolting 'nancy boy' jibe and then “You can understand why people want to hurt children can’t you” would mean no more visits to them ever and a long hard think before they visit you.

Dreadful people. Your DH owes you and the children an apology and a big treat.

Festoonlights · 25/08/2022 11:44

Send dh back for the suitcases and you and dc can settle in at the hotel and have a rest.
I would never stay there again!
Not sure if I could face seeing them this evening. Is MIL going to carp on about the hotel?
You have my sympathy. We always keep a light on for our dc too. Night lights aren’t bright enough for some children - ours included.

Youaremysunshine14 · 25/08/2022 11:45

StillGoingStrongToday · 25/08/2022 10:42

I’d have responded to the comment about hurting children by saying that no, I didn’t understand it, but do understand why people will ship their mothers off to the sort of care home you see on Panorama the second they get the chance.

This ^. Fight vile with vile.

billy1966 · 25/08/2022 11:46

Send your husband in for the suitcases and never agree to this again.

They sound awful.

keeprunning55 · 25/08/2022 11:46

Go! Make it clear why-politely, and never go there again!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/08/2022 11:52

What a vile comment to make about hurting children.

Really glad your DH backed you up. Send him back for the suitcases and you can take the kids for some ice-cream or something and meet at the hotel.

Never ever stay there again. She sounds like a manipulative shrew. Personally, I would not even bother meeting up with them again outside the house either; she will still have a cat's bum mouth (love that saying).

Enjoy the hotel and have a glass of wine when you get there!

deeperthanallroses · 25/08/2022 11:54

Wow. Don’t you have a sore throat coming on? Best to stay at the hotel and let Dh take the kids back for mil to do some more active disapproving. She sounds horrible!!

mamabear715 · 25/08/2022 11:54

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet
Have you started looking at care homes for them yet? That's what I would have been doing while the water buffaloes snored.. :-) Ooh I am NASTY!!
Enjoy the hotel & peace, perfect PEACE..

Christmasiscominghohoho · 25/08/2022 12:02

I would of just left the light on and said they can close there door 😂

StillGoingStrongToday · 25/08/2022 12:04

Now that the OP’s getting sorted, it’s time to bring up the real issue here, which is why people change their homes into some sort of chapel of tat, with every surface covered with bric-a-brac.

I cannot comprehend the mindset that will put out doilies, frogs made with pebbles from Rhyl, horse brasses, creepy figurines and, worst of all, a shepherdess doll with a crocheted skirt that goes over a toilet roll.

This sort of shit needs to stop.

Chillow · 25/08/2022 12:04

I still sleep with a night light on (childhood trauma).

Whilst PIL sound awful and I'm glad you've left, I would never expect hosts to leave the landing light on and would have taken a small nightlight with me. There some fab ones on Amazon and they have adjustable dimness too. There are even USB chargeable ones if there is no socket in the room.

Spohn · 25/08/2022 12:04

‘You can understand why people hurt children, can’t you’
Keep your kids away from this scum. Obviously. Her son can see her if he feels the need, but that sentence alone should be a done deal.

RudsyFarmer · 25/08/2022 12:05

I honestly think they had an idea of what hosting you would be like. They had an idea of how the grandchildren would behave. The reality is that this isn’t working for you so you grab a hotel room for this evening.

StoppinBy · 25/08/2022 12:07

OMGoodness, I am so sorry that you are going through this, I have to admit that I laughed my head off as I read your post out loud to my husband because this is my life with his parents too, I could have written your post word for word....

I feel ya!

Honestly, go to the hotel (tonight if your sons not asleep would be fine) as if your inlaws are like mine, whether you go or stay they are gonna bitch about it either way.

Good Luck!!

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