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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ditch staying at ILs and book a hotel

337 replies

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 24/08/2022 21:39

At the ILs at the moment, arrived today, staying in their spare rooms at their insistence- we wanted to get a hotel for these 2 nights like we usually do. But ILs were quite offended at the thought of us doing that yet again and made a bit of a deal about us staying at theirs this time. So we agreed.

We have 2 DC, 5 & 9, and this house is so not a child-friendly environment. MIL is always freaking out about the kids touching the walls, fretting about them knocking over the 5,271 trinkets she has on each of the million sideboards they own, not letting us play UNO at any of the tables in case we scratch the varnished surfaces etc.

i can cope with all of that just about. But what’s really pissed me off is the fact that Ive just spent over an hour trying to get a terrified 5yo to sleep because of a stupid ‘rule’, and have just raised the white flag.

So ILs went to bed at 8pm. They don’t usually sleep so early but I suspect it’s a PA way of telling us we’ve knackered them out.

Anyway this was the same time as DS’s bedtime. Being a 5yo boy he’s terrified of the dark and at home we leave the landing light on when he’s in bed and the door ajar. Did this tonight and (Step)FIL came out and knocked the landing light off then stomped back into the bedroom. DS screamed for me, so I raced back in and comforted him. Thought SFIL probably didn’t realise that DS would be scared, so I turned it back on then realised that Thier bedroom door was open a good 2 feet. SFIL came out and said “actually the landing light has to stay off. We leave our bedroom door open in case the cat wants to come in, and the light being on is disturbing us trying to sleep.” I said oh right it’s just DS is really frightened of total dark and he said “Oh well never mind. good night” and went back to bed.

Cue an hour of me going between trying to get DS to put up with it being dark, to putting on the bedroom lamp (that has no shade, because why would it, they have 3 fucking candle extinguishers in the room but no lampshade) and that was too bright, to trying to bring in other (shaded) lamps from other rooms, which just distracted him.

After an hour of trying to calm DS down/find the right lamp that’s not too bright and not too dim, like some sort of middle aged Goldilocks, I gave up and tag teamed with DH to take over.

He’s still up there now. Can hear ILs snoring like a pair of water buffalos (so pleased they have their door open). Can’t hear DS and DH so hoping they’ve fallen asleep too.

Why the fuck did the ILs ask us so desperately to come and stay at their home if they don’t want to make any adjustments for us being here? I know it’s their house but does that mean they should make a unnecessarily unpleasant environment for your 5yo grandson, because it might otherwise upset the bloody cat?

WIBU to book a hotel room for tomorrow? Even if I just take DS - it’s been years since I’ve had a struggle to get a child to sleep like that and I really CBA to do it all over again tomorrow.

To be clear: The ILs will be extremely offended if I do this and will likely moan about the time I left them to stay in a hotel, from now until the end of time.

OP posts:
Creepymanonagoatfarm · 25/08/2022 07:55

Can't wait to see what you all get for breakfast!!

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 25/08/2022 07:57

We had a similar experience the last time we stayed with MIL and Step-FIL. It was years ago and we haven't been back since because we were made to feel so unwelcome.

MIL had begged us to stay and still grumbles that we haven't been back, so I think it is partly due to Step-FIL. He has no kids of his own and didn't come into DH and his sister's life till they were teenagers, so isn't used to young children. He's a difficult man to begin with but became an absolute nightmare when we stayed. MIL was so desperate to appease him she became a nightmare too, and it's fair to say that both of them absolutely hated having their routine disrupted.

Hope the fall out isn't too bad OP (DH was reduced to tears by his stepdad last time, and he's not the emotional sort at all!) and you enjoy a restful night tonight.

WimpoleHat · 25/08/2022 07:59

This is a typical British problem, I think - we all find it hard to be direct and everyone wants to avoid confrontation. Sounds like the in laws find your parenting style a bit difficult and they’re not used to kids zipping around the house. And you’re uncomfortable doing what you’d do with your own family (“Mum - we really don’t want to be cooped up here all day, so we are going to the park/farm/pool - if you don’t fancy it, we’ll see you later”). Your DH is doing the typical conflict avoidant man thing. So now you’re (understandably) at the end of your tether, but the in laws are going to think you’re rude as whatnot when you decamp to a hotel.

That said - you really do have my sympathy. Just make sure your DH is fully involved in all this, then it can’t be put down to you…..

DaisyArtichoke7 · 25/08/2022 08:22

Just go and buy one of those low energy plug in night lights for your son’s room.

RosalindFranklinsphoto · 25/08/2022 08:35

I refused to stay at the in-laws after a session that sounds just like that! Premier Inn every time since! @eurochick I suspect it was a typo but my cats are defo our overloads!

hesbeen2021 · 25/08/2022 08:46

This post got me thinking about our twice a year visits to expil when the children were small.
PIL would insist on us staying but weren't really into any compromise with having young children in the home. Mine were well behaved on the whole and we would remind them not to go running around or touching things and, usually, all was fine. The children knew that it wouldn't be the same as at home, they didn't have their toys, they may well feel a bit bored but it was only a few days a couple of times a year.
However PIL wouldn't adjust any of their day to day rituals, the bloody noisy radio would go on at 6am every single day and woke us every single day ( they were in their 70's/ 80's and retired for years), breakfast was at 8am on the dot, coffee 11am, lunch 1pm, afternoon tea 4pm and dinner 7pm. One of my children was unwell throughout her childhood, didn't sleep or eat well and we would try to catch up with sleep when we could. PIL wouldn't adjust their bloody salads and cold meat meals or provide a chunk of bread and cheese. Shopping was on shopping day only and I'm pretty sure they didn't buy anything extra for our stays and so we had to bring snacks, bread etc with us. PIL would plan every trip to the nth degree but not take into account that a baby may be napping or need feeding etc.
I think what I'm trying to say is that staying with people needs both sides to adjust and compromise for a few days
Your PIL could manage a couple of disturbed nights or wear eye things ( can't remember the name!) and your family ritual of Uno before bed could actually be missed for a couple of days
I think compromise needs to happen

harriethoyle · 25/08/2022 08:50

Lollypop701 · 25/08/2022 07:43

Just visualise the hotel… sitting on the big bed in pjs playing uno, sleeping children, go to Tescos and get the individual bottles of wine and some snacks to have whilst kids sleep. A lovely child accepting play area with lots of walls to touch. When do you check in!!!!

Wrong @Lollypop701 .@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet doesn't need individual bottles of wine - she needs a couple of gigantic ones and make sure they're screw tops!🍷(or even better, poppy corks! 🍾)

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 25/08/2022 08:53

Op was playing uno not karaoke..

Novum · 25/08/2022 08:55

It does seem slightly mad not to use a night light for your 5 year old and take it with you. That said, I think you're justified in telling the in-laws that it obviously worries them having children round their trinkets and furniture so it's better all round if you move out.

Mouthfulofquiz · 25/08/2022 09:05

Just keep focussing on the squishy bed and lovely pillows! Good luck with the packing and leaving.

heldinadream · 25/08/2022 09:13

I sense the telling of the in-laws as to the impending plan to leave is not going well...

Booklover3 · 25/08/2022 09:44

What’s a pillow menu?

memyselfi · 25/08/2022 09:49

I wouldn't be able to stand the tension , I honestly think I'd rather speak up and risk a row than have all the PA nastiness.
Could some clear and direct conversation maybe clear the air ?
They must have wanted you there initially , in what way has it gone wrong in their eyes ?
Nightmare for you OP. Not long to go Wink

RayneDance · 25/08/2022 09:51

Goodness op!

It's so stressful isn't it!!
What an absolute pain in the arse.

I do feel for mil, if she is so different at yours then ask her to yours next time.
Definitely push the "oh we can see we are driving you mad" theroy....i'e getting out as a favour to them.
The stress of trying to keep two young children entertained in a house where you can't touch the wall's?

I've never heard of this? What's it's for?

Trying to get out and being deliberately kept in?? No!!

It's the phrasing of "actually that light"... actually!!

So ,so rude.

Good luck op with premier Inn!

Hymnulop · 25/08/2022 10:04

Just buy a nightlight?! This is specifically what they're designed for. Can't believe you haven't done that already for other nights away and also for when you're at home, I couldn't sleep with the landing light on either.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 25/08/2022 10:21

Shouldn't dgps specifically be 'designed' to care about their dgc?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 25/08/2022 10:23

The deed has been done, and we are now seeking sanctuary in a skate park!

DH agreed its the best way forwards. Telling them came at the right time as DS (who is an a foul mood after a struggling to get to sleep) had a sulk about how he didn’t like his top and he wanted to wear one we’d left at home. Not his finest hour but he’s a tired 5yo who’s been on summer holidays for too long.

MIL piped up and said “You can understand why people want to hurt children can’t you”.

No you vile cow I can’t. At that point DH said that we’ve booked a hotel as DS really needs a light on and he thinks the kids are a bit much for them both anyway.

It wasn’t a shouting match but the cats bum mouths said it all. “Well thats a silly idea….we are absolutely fine with the children…I’m sure we have a nightlight somewhere…really what an overreaction…and such a waste of money! Why pay when you get free bed and board”

DH just said kept repeating that it’s much easier for us to be out from under their feet etc as the children are a lot to handle.

So we’ve come to a skate park just the 4 of us. I don’t think I can bear to go back but we need to for the suitcases.

OP posts:
StillGoingStrongToday · 25/08/2022 10:24

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 25/08/2022 03:13

@StillGoingStrongToday

calm down Doris!

your post is weird. No one needs to be touching the walls, why would they?

Do you have plastic covers on your floral sofas too, and a little box of shoe covers and masks for guests to wear?

You do understand don’t you that I structure children not to touch the walls is a bit strange?

lamaze1 · 25/08/2022 10:28

What have I just read?!

"MIL piped up and said “You can understand why people want to hurt children can’t you”."

Honestly I'd not go again. Don't ever leave them in their care (not saying you would).

What did your DH say other than you're going to a hotel?

StillGoingStrongToday · 25/08/2022 10:29

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 25/08/2022 07:35

Bloody DH is still asleep I can’t tell him to tell them.

Meanwhile I’m suffering PA aggressive comments like “Do they normally sleep in til this time?”. It’s 7.30am.

I think that I’d have used that as the jumping-off point for the conversation about leaving; explaining that you are supposed to be having a break, and that their constantly rude comments and behaviour don’t let you do that.

My in-laws are the same age as yours, and although they are becoming a bit set in their ways your posts have made me realize how hard they work to make me and the children feel at home and welcome there.

This must be so disappointing for you.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 25/08/2022 10:30

@lamaze1 i know, in light of what’s happened in the last week in this country I thought that was so inappropriate. She’s trying to be funny.

DH didn’t say more than that. No point, she just will think we are snowflake parents or similar DM nonsense.

OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 25/08/2022 10:35

What misery. Don't ever get guilted into staying there again. Is your DH the scapegoat and sibling the golden child by chance?

ValerieDoonican · 25/08/2022 10:35

Jesus. She so obviously hates having you there! What an absolutely awful thing to say.

I hope they never expect the "darling" dgcs to come and stay unaccompanied. I sense they may be disappointed by your answer...

newbiename · 25/08/2022 10:36

Enjoy the hotel. Although I think I'd have just gone home.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 25/08/2022 10:39

When you are plumping up your lovely hotel pillow later imagine shoving it over her face op!! Nobody will judge you!