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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable here?

114 replies

Telivania · 24/08/2022 16:31

Kitchen area has had some work done. 2 tradesmen were in the house working on it for a whole day. Obviously they had breaks in between (went for lunch, etc).

Person A and Person B are married and live together. A was the one at home while the tradies were in, while B was out at work.

A told them they were welcome to make their own drinks (tea, coffee, etc), but wouldn't personally be serving them anything.

B thinks A was rude and had no manners, as making drinks and food for tradies is basic hospitality and costs nothing.

A insists it's not about the cost, but about the principle. A refuses to act as a 'servant' to random men who are simply doing their job (and being paid a lot of money for it).

B still disagrees and thinks A was being disrespectful.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Dadaya · 24/08/2022 16:32

A was an inhospitable dick.

InsertPunHere · 24/08/2022 16:33

I think you are A and YABU.

Antarcticant · 24/08/2022 16:33

Personally, were I working in someone's house I would prefer the freedom to make my own drinks.

SoupDragon · 24/08/2022 16:33

Nothing wrong with what A did.

I'll make people a drink if I'm having one but I'll also make it clear they are welcome to make their own whenever they like.

Talipesmum · 24/08/2022 16:33

B is unreasonable. They were literally in the kitchen. Easy to make drinks for themselves. “Help yourself” is fine.

Backtoreality1 · 24/08/2022 16:35

A is absolutely right....they were in the kitchen and could help themselves. A would probably have been in the way in the kitchen making drinks while they were working anyway.

ChiefPearlClutcher · 24/08/2022 16:36

A is in the right.

I make the first cup as a welcome. Thereafter they are very welcome to help themselves, especially if it’s a job that runs over days!

Nothing to with being disrespectful or inhospitable.

FOJN · 24/08/2022 16:36

I'd make the trades people a drink if I was having one but I don't think there is anything wrong with telling them to help themselves. A and B are entitled to do things differently but as B wasn't there then I don't think they should be telling A what approach to use.

Divebar2021 · 24/08/2022 16:37

I’d probably make the first drink because that seems like the hospitable thing to do for anyone regardless of gender or trade. I would then ensure facilities were available for them to help themselves.

chillipenguin · 24/08/2022 16:37

A told them they were welcome to make their own drinks (tea, coffee, etc), but wouldn't personally be serving them anything. did A actually say this?! If A had just said help yourself to drinks whenever you like that would have been find didn't need to go on about it.

catgirl1976 · 24/08/2022 16:38

A was very rude

RosiePosie27 · 24/08/2022 16:39

I would offer a coffee / tea / biscuits and then say to help themselves to further refreshments. The whole servitude thing is a load of bull

Brefugee · 24/08/2022 16:39

A insists it's not about the cost, but about the principle. A refuses to act as a 'servant' to random men who are simply doing their job (and being paid a lot of money for it).

a is both U and a pompous twat

Flutterbybudget · 24/08/2022 16:42

It’s not about whether they CAN make their own drinks, or even whether it’s easier for them to do so. It sounds, reading the OP that A feels superior in some way to mere tradesmen, and I’d find that attitude hard to stomach.
Anyone coming into my house, gets shown the kettle, fridge, coffee and biscuits and told to help themselves, not for any reason other than a) I rarely drink anything myself during the day, and it wouldn’t enter my head to offer at regular intervals - through forgetfulness and b) my tea and coffee making skills are atrocious and they’re far better off making their own.

mondaytosunday · 24/08/2022 16:43

Really? Jeez I just finished renovating and I never make the tea unless I'm making one myself. I usually start out with an offer when I let them in the morning but after that I'm not going to be running up and down the stairs to serve them!! It's common practise (I've worked with a lot of tradesmen) to show them where the stuff is and say help yourself. In fact they often shout up to me if I want a cup if they are making one.
Y'all must have nothing better to do.
You are being unreasonable however using A and B rather than 'I' and 'my partner'.

carefullycourageous · 24/08/2022 16:47

I think both are being extreme. What I do is make the first drink, and maybe another in the middle of the day if I am doing one for myself, and also say 'help yourself' for any others.

MrsSplendiferous · 24/08/2022 16:47

I'm torn, I make them a drink whether I'm having one or not and leave everything out for them, including cold drinks, cakes and biscuits
I think it's A's attitude that's the problem rather than his actions

KrisAkabusi · 24/08/2022 16:47

If A said "they were welcome to make their own drinks (tea, coffee, etc), but wouldn't personally be serving them anything." and thought "refuses to act as a 'servant' to random men who are simply doing their job (and being paid a lot of money for it)" then A is pompous and sounds like an aresehole.

carefullycourageous · 24/08/2022 16:47

including cold drinks, cakes and biscuits oh wow, I may consider upping my game!

cariadlet · 24/08/2022 16:48

If they were working in the kitchen, I would make the first drink and then leave them to make their own so that I didn't get in their way.

If they were working elsewhere in the house, I would offer drinks roughly every hour but also let them know that they could help themselves.

The talk of "servants" makes person A sound a vile snob.

megosaurusrex · 24/08/2022 16:50

I do see it as basic hospitality to offer to serve drinks. Saying that, I wouldn't be bothered if someone just said I could help myself, I might even prefer it in a way.
Essentially it doesn't really matter that much.

Eeksilon · 24/08/2022 16:51

Omg can't believe these replies! I think you're A and bang on. I'm also betting B is a bloke 🤨 90+% of women I know would not let another woman come into the place they're working - this is key, if they were in the bathroom I might make them one when I were doing so for myself - to wait on them! Bloody ridiculous.

Was person A working from home? Not that it would change my answer just reinforce it 😂

Harridan1981 · 24/08/2022 16:54

I've always made the first drink/offer on arrival, and again just before I go out if I am going somewhere.

Other than that I leave cups etc out on the side with tea and coffee, and tell them to help themselves.

Essexgalttc · 24/08/2022 17:00

This is a difficult one because it’s not like A has told them they’re not allowed tea or coffee. I also think B is a bit harsh saying A is rude and has no manners.

However, personally I do agree with B that I would make them tea or coffee a few times in the day. If I was a builder I’d probably feel a bit uncomfortable helping myself to the kettle etc in someone’s home. I wouldn’t feel like a servant spending a minute or two making some tea and coffee during the day

It is okay that A has a different opinion to this on B I’m sure there’s others out there who do the same as A

chillipenguin · 24/08/2022 17:03

My boss doesn't make me drinks