Who is being unreasonable here?

[Telivania]

Kitchen area has had some work done. 2 tradesmen were in the house working on it for a whole day. Obviously they had breaks in between (went for lunch, etc).

Person A and Person B are married and live together. A was the one at home while the tradies were in, while B was out at work.

A told them they were welcome to make their own drinks (tea, coffee, etc), but wouldn't personally be serving them anything.

B thinks A was rude and had no manners, as making drinks and food for tradies is basic hospitality and costs nothing.

A insists it's not about the cost, but about the principle. A refuses to act as a 'servant' to random men who are simply doing their job (and being paid a lot of money for it).

B still disagrees and thinks A was being disrespectful.

Who is BU?

So when you said A told them they were welcome to make their own drinks (tea, coffee, etc), but wouldn't personally be serving them anything

That's not what A actually told them?

Why didn't you just say A said help yourselves to drinks, everything's in that cupboard if that's actually what A said?

No of course you shouldn't, it's more that you see the normal and hospitable act of making a cuppa as servitude.
It makes it sound as though you think they are below you and you wouldn't 'lower' yourself to that.

It's the attitude I struggle with.

When I'm working in someone's home I try to keep disruption and inconvenience to them at the minimum, even if that's inconvenient to the job, not out of servitude to my paymasters but out of respect that its their home.

A is fine for a all/multi day job.
I leave them the kettle and supplies, say help yourself whenever you like. If they are only here for an hour or so, I'd ask/get one for them.

I get anxious talking to people, so having to keep asking them if they want a refill is difficult for me. I am also vulnerable to covid, so it is also safer for me if they handle things themselves and just I wash up and wipe down the kettle at the end of the day.

@IncompleteSenten I've clarified multiple times what I said and how I said it

@Surplus2requirements "It's the attitude I struggle with." And I struggle with you telling me I should be happy to serve random men food and drink in my house all day, when they had full access to food and drink themselves. Sexist.

Oh for goodness sake A needs to get a grip and stop being so dramatic!!! I suspect A is the poster.

My DH is a tradie and so I asked him would this be an issue.. he said the offer of being able to make a drink is more important than being made one! He also said it is nice if they do make one though 😉

@MissMaple82

What's dramatic about telling guests they're welcome to make as many coffees/teas/etc throughout the day as they like? 🙄

The premise I'm not happy with is my husband telling me I should've made all the teas, coffees, snacks, lunches, etc myself as it's "basic hospitality". I don't agree with that at all.

I think A is unreasonable. How difficult is it to make the odd cup of tea. It's not about being the little woman or anything (if A is a woman). If my husband was at home he would be making the drinks too. For a long term project I would invite them to make their own drinks if they wish, but would also offer when I thought about it.

I think both are fine. If A is there they make their own. b can make it for them if they so wish.

no one is wrong. It would only be wrong if B was angry with A for not doing as they would.

Why didn't you just type what you actually said in your first post rather than the ridiculous overly dramatic nonsense?

The only person overly dramatic is you 😂 I obviously didn't word it very well and I've clarified it multiple times. What's the problem?

You don't live up to your username do you?

🙄

Although I now see it's missmaple not missmarple!

When I've had tradies in I've been working from home. I've offered them a drink /biscuits first thing (I don't usually have biscuits /cake in so I specifically got them in) and told them to help themselves thereafter and give me a shout if they need anything. I don't see anything wrong with that. If I make myself a drink of course I'll offer to make them one too, but I'm working, not there to run around after tradies with a tea tray.

When I go to the office my boss doesn't follow me round with a tea tray and biscuits to make sure I feel welcome and appreciated....I was shown where the kitchen was on my first day.
Same for the tradies.

They are there to do a job and don't need to be entertained as guests. I think the British generally struggle with the concept of having people in the house to work. That's why those who have cleaners tend to have to clean before the cleaner arrives.

I would ask your DH if he would be running around after them with a pinnie on, making tea and cakes if he was at home. If he wouldn't, it's a sexist thing.

Am I the only person that would never say 'help yourself' to trades people?! I don't want them rifling through my cupboards or making their own drinks on my worktops, always messy buggers!

Also if they are not working in the kitchen I wouldn't expect them to be traipsing round the house. It helps that I have a dog that I'd keep in there and say 'don't go in the kitchen or let the dog out' (he'd only lick them to death but they don't know that).

I always make them one on arrival and maybe offer 2-3 throughout the day, but would never ever suggest they help themselves. They're doing a job, not setting up house.

Thankfully our last builders obviously learnt if they want more than 2-3 teas to bring their own flasks for the day.

ALL tradespeople are “messy buggers”??

presumably it’s different if you’ve got someone working on your garden / loft extension vs fitting a new kitchen though

That wasn't my question.

I know you clarified it.

I'm asking why you put it that way in the first place. It made A sound like a massive wanker and it wasn't actually what they'd said even though you said it's what they told the workmen.

I let them bring their own drinks or sit in their van or whatever.

God, I'm glad I'm not a trades person and have to deal with you!

They're all messy buggers? How would you know that?

"Rifling" through your cupboard, or you just leave stuff out.

Are they allowed to wee and poo in your house, or do they bring a camping toilet?

I'm a female trade. It's not sexist. Both men and women do me tea through the day (honestly more often than not unwelcome tea- once on arrival and again if you bother us and interrupt our workspace to make your own- which is irritating because our insurance means we should down tools whilst your there, but at the same time is entirely fair as our workspace is your HOME)

I'd not make my own tea. I neither have the time nor the belief in people that they mean it when they say it (years ago I did- but I have then been called a slacker for doing so, and worse, later someone tried to charge us 25p a tea bag, £1 for milk, rental of the mugs and then cleaning charges, wanting £10 off their invoice- I don't set the price, British Gas do, what your saying is you want me and my mate to stump £5 for the privilege of working for you!)

Sorry but those examples are not fair to the majority of us! I make first cup of day, then it's very clear that they help themselves, I'll joke about them having a nice biscuit, they'll be shown where everything is!

I have never found that they've not helped themselves as "instructed".

I've had two extensions, loads of different trades and not once have I found them not having a drink etc.

OP is a massive wanker, she's just been back tracking since. What's the point of asking AIBU, since she clearly believes she is right

YABU for saying ‘tradies’.

A is BU in my opinion. I’d always offer drinks and snacks to anyone working in my house. If I’m putting the kettle on for myself, to me it’s just normal to offer anyone else a cuppa as well. I would probably also show them where everything was so they could make their own teas/coffees in between, but I’d still offer whenever I was making one and I’d probably put biscuits and some packets of crisps on the side for them for whenever they wanted them.

I’m not saying this is some kind of formal obligation, but I was brought up to be nice to people and to me, that’s just being nice. If I’m in the office I’ll say “Anyone want a cuppa?” to my colleagues when I put the kettle on so it seems natural to me to do the same to anyone working in my home.

When discussing this with other people I have noticed quite a divide between people who have, or could easily have, family and mates who are tradespeople and people who think anyone with a van is a different species from them and would faint at the notion of a relative doing manual work. The former just treat people working in their house like they’d treat anyone else, while the latter treat tradespeople as some sort of ‘other’ who can’t be trusted with the nicer mugs, and consider it beneath themselves to serve a tray of teas to them.

Lollol- you are entirely right! I didn't make it clear that the first one is the only one expected/ hoped for! All trades are grateful and once you've done the one- effectively show and tell, you are right! Help yourself after that point is appreciated and my post is overly salty. Even if you offer none it's fine and you aren't a bad person- whereas my examples are. It's fine not to even offer help yourself! It's certainly not something trades should judge their customers on! People are busy, shy, different, and varied. Not bad customers which is what I've described. Those are different things. It's been a long day for me, and I shouldn't let a few negative experiences overshadow the overwhelming positive experiences we get. The vast vast majority are wonderful and indeed, meeting people is the best part of the job in many ways