To this most men genuinely don't care about using condoms?

[monsterpup]

Apologies if this is a bit TMI but it's been on my mind lately and it's not exactly the topic you bring up over coffee with your friends!

I have become single recently for the first time in a while, and for the first time in my life I've decided to stay single, date casually and just enjoy myself.

As part of this I've slept with people casually for the first time and I am truly shocked at how few men seem to actually care or even think about condoms. Obvious STI risk aside, these men have also failed to ask me if I was on birth control (I'm not!) and seemed happy to crack right on with no protection until prompted. I will point out there's been no actual complaints when I have prompted - it's been a "oh yeah, do you have one" kinda thing which also surprises me.

AIBU to think that men just don't care? Or am I going for terrible men

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One guy wants to go swinging bareback,but thinks it's fine, because he gets full STI testing once a year as part of his work's private health package. I think once a year is a long time if you're sleeping with lots of people with no barrier protection.

That's horse, stable door stuff.

If he gets HPV (one the strains with visible warts) he'll have had to go to the gum Inc and gotten the warts frozen/burned off (if thats stsn treatment now) long before then. He'll have infected everyone else he had sex with before any visible warts appear. If it's a non wart strain, he'll have passed it on, raising his sexual partners risk of HPV cancer, without anyone knowing.

If he gets HSV, he'll have already had to have gone and gotten antivirals etc and have it for life. Likewise anyone he's had sex with before symptoms of if he had mild symptoms.

If he gets clamydia, he'll have passed it on possibly without knowing.

If he gets gonorrhea, he'll have had to go and get antibiotics etc before then.

If he is not on prep and gets hiv, he won't find out til his next yearly appointment and will have passed it on to any sexual partners before then. Heis likely to have missed the window for early, preventive treatment.

Etc etc etc

This is no doubt a man in a decent job.

Yet where sex is concerned, he is mentally like a single cell organism.

I've been out of the dating scene for 10y, but that's not my experience. I do agree that they didn't necessarily prefer to do it with a condom on, but they did provide one without being asked.

*If he is not on prep and gets hiv, he won't find out til his next yearly appointment and will have passed it on to any sexual partners before then. Heis likely to have missed the window for early, preventive treatment.

Double checked and hiv pep has to be started within 72 hrs. As a man who presumably does not have penetrative sex with men, he's at a lower risk than women but there's still a risk nonetheless.

I'm fairly active on the dating/casual sex scene, maybe like 6/7 men so far this year. Not one of them has suggested a condom, I have had to insist on it every time and it's always been a reluctance. Most of them don't even have one with them. Some of them have been high earners too, but all have probably (correctly) assumed I would terminate if I fell pregnant therefore probably didn't care about condom use in a "meh, doesn't affect me if she gets pregnant, the consequences are all on her" sort of way.

Regarding the lack of feeling/sensation when wearing a condom my husband has said many times that this is overblown by men. Obviously it makes a bit of difference but he says it doesn't take away the enjoyment what so ever. Having said that, that's just the opinion of one man and I'm sure dicks have different sensitivities! It certainly is not an excuse to not wear one though, regardless.

This. You see so many men moaning about how their partner won’t have an abortion. But when they have their one chance to prevent pregnancy most men would rather risk it.

I think schools should tell boys over and over again that the pill is not 100% effective and neither are condoms so if you don’t wanna fund a baby for 18 yrs, use both.

I should add that none of them have actually complained about wearing a condom, they've just showed me they were perfectly willing to carry on without one, which as others have pointed out, makes me think they're not very picky about who they do have unprotected sex with.

The only man who has ever suggested/insisted on using condoms is my ex who I very much hoped would be "the one". I miss him

I think you're right. My bf didn't mention them but then to be fair neither did I, I am on the pill and he's snipped. He had sti tests done though and was clean.

@PearlclutchersInc I'm not on the contraceptive pill - firstly I can't be on some due to high cancer risks in my family. And secondly because I have tried so many and they give me bad side effects - migraines etc. A woman doesn't HAVE to be on the pill, the OP has said she insists on condoms!!!

I would be very tempted to wait until they’ve put it in and then say ‘oh btw I’m ovulating at the mo, I presume you’re happy to contribute if I get pregnant’ - just to see what they do!

Tbh though if a woman falls pregnant or contracts a STD because the man she was sleeping with refused to wear a condom she does bear some of the responsibility. Plenty of women willingly have sex with men who don’t wear a condom, and it’s their choice to do so.

Also, the amount of unplanned pregnancies is tiny against the number of pregnancies which are unplanned purely based on the fact that the couple haven’t used contraception properly.

IMo the key is in the word “casual.” They think it will just be a one night stand and then they’re on their way. Ultimately if you’re prepared to sleep with just anyone then you surely realise that not everyone works to your standards.

If he won’t wear a condom then don’t shag him.

In my experience yanbu. Surprised to see that's pretty universal though - I just thought id had bad luck!

At no point did I say I would sleep with "just anyone" ! And if a man were to refuse to wear a condom I wouldn't sleep with him, this hasn't happened but would be a dealbreaker for me

YANBU. My experience mirrors yours.
Even with guys that I would've put money on being a responsible confirm wearer! Get down to it, and nope. They don't even mention it....

@ChobKnees There ARE other options - the point I was trying to make is you can't do casual and rely on other people.

You should but you can't.

YANBU. Never slept with a man who cared about using condoms, it's always been on my urging that one got used. Have spoken to many female friends about this, we all have the same experience on this one. And FWIW all the men I've slept with have been well-educated, "sensible" types too, exactly the people you'd have thought the safe sex message would have got through too.

To not to FFS.

They are apparently trying to make a “pill” for men to take but it’s still years away… which it
was when I last looked several years ago.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/male-pill/

Same.
I'm lucky that the one I fell for is a stringent condom user.
It's so ATTRACTIVE that he takes care of our sexual health without being asked

They keep delaying it. They can't get test subjects because it has side effects, no worse than females contraceptive options etc.

Would any woman trust a man to take it reliably anyway (and compensate if he had a drunken binge and threw up etc).

There was a temp, reversible gel vasectony being trialled. It looked really promising but seems to have disappeared.

The bottom line is - so many men think contraception is a woman's responsibility, their body is the body that gets pregnant so theirs is the one that should be interfered with to prevent it.

They have no consequences from unplanned pregnancy in the way women do, so they have little motivation to take responsibility.

Other than being responsible, which they are not.

I know all this, but it fell on deaf ears. He is in a good job, has a degree and do on, but seems very stupid in this area - which is his choice, but then I can also choose not to sleep with him, with or without condoms. At least he does talk about it; I suspect a lot of those equally short on thinking don't even mention it.

And schools don’t even mention stis it is all gender crap and fulfilling stereotypes.

Yes they do. You’re so obsessed with the trans debate you can’t even tell fact from fiction anymore.

I wouldn't risk sitting in the same train carriage as a man who swings bareback lol.

I'm sadly not surprised to hear he has a degree etc.

(Incidentally when I checked prep & pep "rules" it seems that you have to meet criteria eg the sexual partner being known to have hiv, so he prob couldn't even avail of those anyway).

@wandum nothing like that at ds secondary so far - it’s just gender stuff.

Seems very stupid in this area ....
It can't be attributed to the thing the poster me tioned re sexual arousal (to a large degree) because this is premeditated on his behalf ..... It must be that he's a natural risk taker. Men are on average much more likely to be than women. Apparently observable even in boys.

Something we need to remember when decision making is happening with a man involved.